After 6 years hubby now wants children

LegacyUser

Going un-reg for this one. I read this thread yesterday and felt so sorry for both the OP and his girlfriend. It's a no-win situation. Went to bed last night to be told by my husband that he does, in fact, want children.

We're together six years, married three and children were never on the cards for us. He knew that all along and always said he was happy with that. But it turns out he's not. So now, even though we both love eachother to bits, the relationship is over. I can't have a baby I don't want just to keep him, and he can't suppress the paternal instinct he's spent 6 trying to convince himself he didn't have.

Any other relationship issue, I would say we could work through, but there are no grey areas here. As someone already said, you can't compromise and have half a baby. We'll try counselling, but again, what can they really say?

I'm sitting here in work in a total daze. I think it would be easier if there had been a big blazing row and I could walk out hating him.

Taltos

OP - I have given you your own thread to prevent the other one being inadvertently hijacked - and also because your story is a little different.

Hope you get some helpful advice, however if you wish this thread closed just let us know.

Taltos

I am a friend

Is it that you can't have kids or don't want to? Had you both agreed that you would not have kids?

Am sorry this is happening to you op. Hugs

ash23

Pretty much the same advice as was on the other thread. it's a lose/lose situation unfortunately and a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Sorry to hear it OP. I feel for both you and your husband.

Distorted

Sorry to hear this OP. It must feel like your husband values your ability to reproduce higher than you as a person, and if he can't respect your choice of what to do with your own body, then I'd walk too. Be true to yourself.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Is it that you can't have kids or don't want to? Had you both agreed that you would not have kids?

I don't want them. I never have and I was always completely upfront and honest about it with him. Many's the conversation we had about it before we got married, as I didn't want him going into it thinking I'd change my mind a few years down the line.

He agreed that he was happy with that and, as stupid and naive as it probably sounds to someone on the outside looking in, I believed him.

My sister is already researching counselling services, and obviously I'm not going to let my marriage end without attending someone, but realistically, what are they going to say? "I counsel you to want children?"

I'm nearly looking forward to the anger with him kicking in, because I just feel so lost at the moment.

seenitall

Ouch, OP sorry to read your post.

It actually is the same situation as in the other thread, the marriage cert notwithstanding. One party changes their mind about something so huge that it is clearly a dealbreaker, and suddenly an otherwise good relationship becomes untenable. I really feel for both couples.

I do think it is a good idea for the two of you to go to counselling together, it will help you work through this change as best you can, and part ways as amicably as possible. As you rightly note, OP, I wouldn't hold out for more than that out of it, but even that would be a good result in these circumstances.

All the best.

bronte

UnReg82 wrote: »

I don't want them. I never have and I was always completely upfront and honest about it with him. Many's the conversation we had about it before we got married, as I didn't want him going into it thinking I'd change my mind a few years down the line.

He agreed that he was happy with that and, as stupid and naive as it probably sounds to someone on the outside looking in, I believed him.

My sister is already researching counselling services, and obviously I'm not going to let my marriage end without attending someone, but realistically, what are they going to say? "I counsel you to want children?"

I'm nearly looking forward to the anger with him kicking in, because I just feel so lost at the moment.

Bloody hell you poor thing.
Honestly, moving on is the best course of action as horrible as that is. I had similar happen minus the marriage and over less time and yes it takes a while for the anger to kick in. But it will. Then you come out the other side.
I'm really sorry you've been hit with this.

ash23

Counselling can't do any harm, whatever good it might do. As with the other thread, it's hard when someone changes their mind about something and you can feel very mislead, however what someone wants and their priorities often change as they get older. What I felt was important when I was in my last relationship and what I value now has totally changed.
Sometimes people are lucky and the person they are with changes and grows with them as opposed to against them. And sometime you get the sh!t end of the stick and it all falls assunder.

LegacyUser

UnReg82 wrote: »

He agreed that he was happy with that and, as stupid and naive as it probably sounds to someone on the outside looking in, I believed him.

OP, you don't sound stupid or naive. You have to take someone you love and trust at their word. He may well have believed it too.

I'm so sorry to hear about what's happened and I hope you can both move on somehow and find happiness. But there's no sense in blaming yourself.

Sleepy

OP, there's no more point in you getting angry at your husband for wanting children as there is in him getting angry at you for not wanting them. If he's spent 6 years trying to convince himself that his life would be complete without children when he clearly wants them very much, I'd take that to mean that he loves you a hell of a lot but the instinct to reproduce has worn down his attempts to fight it.

Yes, it must hurt an awful lot to be in this position but what's done is done and there doesn't seem to have been any harmful intent here (unless he was swapping your birth control for smarties or the like). As you say, counselling is unlikely to save your marriage (unless your objection to children is to do with pregnancy and childbirth rather than raising them and a "half-way" agreement of adoption / surrogate mother can be reached) but it could at least save an amicable relationship and help prevent the hurt of an angry / spiteful divorce where the only winners will be the lawyers.

LostGirly

OP I don't believe you sound stupid in the very same way as I believe that your husband didn't lie to you. Maybe he didn't want kids but now as he has gotten older has decided that yes he does. I know that for years I didn't want them and now can't wait. People are allowed and do change their minds. It's a terrible situation to be in and yes you should go to counselling even just to address the reasons why each of you think what you do but I can't see things changing.

Please make sure neither of you are forced into a decision here just to ensure you can stay together as you will end up resenting each other further down the line. I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this.