Husband too accomodating.

LegacyUser

I'm getting sick and tired of my husband bending over backwards for his mates and family without it ever being reciprocated. It came to a head this weekend, a couple he knows stayed with us for a night, we had a nice breakfast for them, etc and not a word of thanks for the bed or the hospitality-they asked himself when I was in the loo if they could stay again for a night next week and he said no problem. So I flipped.

I know this might sound trivial but here's a few examples of his genersoity:
Gave up and entire Saturday to help a friend and his wife move house, they didn't have a van or car so he spent the day shuttling back and forth with their stuff. When we were moving, they simply said they wouldn't be able to help. We never got a bottle of wine etc as a thanks, something I'd always do if someone gave me a hand with something for a whole day. I thought this was so cheeky, he spent a fortune on petrol too.
Helped his parents with a lot of heavy gardening stuff, they have the money to hire someone to do it but would rather my husband do it to "save a few bob" as they put it, but couldn't help us when we needed a hand with something. His brother is able to get away with saying no "Because he's useless" but my husband gets a job every time we visit because they know he'll put out all the stops.
Often makes arrangments with his friends where HE has to to all the travelling, ie they want to meet in a pub that suits them, but when he asks them to head out our way they don't bother, it's always on their turf.


I feel he's just too generous for his own good and 99% of the time its NEVER reciprocated. I know you can't be adding up who does what all the time, but I feel like every time we go to meet with his friends or family, we're nearly waiting for the favour to come up. He will say "Its nice to be good to people" but I'm sick of pointing out that HE (and I) are the ones doing all the giving, while when WE need help people are mysteriously unable to reciprocate. Please help me deal with this.

I am a friend

Well he can't suddenly be like this - did you less like this before you married??

It also seems like it's him doing most of the slogging so effectively it's his choice. I would ask him however not to invite people to stay without talking to you first.

You are lucky he is such a nice guy and is happy to take care of his parents - it's a good sign for his treatment of you in the future.

LegacyUser

How irritating OP.

It's all very well him being a doormat for other people if it just affects *him* but unfortunately now that he is married it affects BOTH of you. He has no business inviting people in on top of you to stay without running it past you first. The world is FULL of takers and there will be an endless supply of people ready and willing to take advantage of his passive nature.

I love my own space and at weekends the last thing you want when you are trying to unwind is a load of freeloaders plonking themselves on top of you. You will have to sit him down and explain that you value your privacy and that BOTH of you decide whether to invite guests or accept invitations miles away that suck up the whole weekend.

He is probably a pushover and so you will have to give him a few stock phrases to use when people put him on the spot. (which they will quite sneakily, notice how the freeloading couple waited until you were in the loo) He should learn to say 'I'm not sure if that will be possible next weekend, we''ll let you know' etc

Some people are space invaders. They don't care that they are overstaying their welcome. People like these are cheeky enough to ask, incredibly RUDE ! Well then they should be tough enough to be told NO.

lazygal

It's not just about him anymore, it's about the two of them as a couple. I'm not sure about other people but me and my husband often have a lot of catching up on chores, DIY and other stuff to do at weekends. My in laws ask us over for dinner every single week (husband used to go every weekend to see them before we got married) but he's had to adapt that, as we might have to do something in the house, see my parents or simply have some "us time".

If the help was being reciprocated I would understand, but I can totally understand why a person would be annoyed to see their partner constantly helping others, only to be told "Nah, sorry mate we can't" when he needs a hand. My husband really got tired of constantly being the reliable friend and sibling, he spent half his time either giving someone a dig out or going out of his way for them.


Once you're married its not just your time any more, you are a unit. I have changed a lot in terms of how I divide my time since meeting and marrying my husband, I don't do some things as much as when I was a free agent because it's not just my life, we're sharing a life, and our time/home/goodwill.

floorpie

I don't get the problem with helping his parents. That seems like fairly basic interaction that most people partake in. It seems like there's more to the 'parent' story there, with you pointing out that they can afford x and y, and disliking their other son, but anyway.

You're probably going to get lots of people saying "but you should be happy that you've got such a kind husband". Well just for people's interest, there's research showing that, although people do prefer kind partners, they do not prefer that this kindness is directed inappropriately, or in other words, they prefer it when this kindness is directed towards themself. And then half like it when it's at family/friends, and then actively dislike it when it's directed anywhere else i.e. it's a turn off. e.g. http://www.ehbonline.org/article/S1090-5138(09)00061-0/abstract
So i'm just saying that because, no matter what people say here to disagree with you, you're taking a reasonable enough point of view, and one which people will tend to share with you about their own partners even if they don't admit it here.

Another thing, i'm not big into PUA (pick up artist :S) literature etc, but i saw a list one time of ways to be an 'alpha male' (yes i know but bear with me..). One of the rules was, 'alpha males' (even the phrase is making me cringe) tend to bring people to their own turf, e.g. if they want a drink they'll get everyone to come to their house or local or whatever. Now i wasn't trying to put the list into practice to become some sort of super alpha male, but it made me wonder at who in my friends list acted like that, because i always thought we'd be fairly fair about sharing effort. Well i quickly found out that one or two of them just wont take part in plans that don't suit them as much as possible. So to be honest, it really made me wonder about the friendships. Maybe it's masochistic but i'd probably now put this into practice now and then, purposely, just to test the waters, because frankly i don't feel that a friend who never makes much of an effort is much of a friend to begin with.

Eh and by the way, the whole idea of 'alpha' animals etc has been discredited so don't take what i'm saying there as some sort of put-down to your partner, some people are just dicks about plans and possibly aren't worth the effort.

Mighty_Mouse

not a word of thanks for the bed or the hospitality

Personally, I like people around. The more the merrier. It’s life. We’re social animals. I find the alternative approach of shutting out the world horrible, wanting silence, alone time, negative and unrewarding.

ave up and entire Saturday to help a friend and his wife move house, they didn't have a van or car so he spent the day shuttling back and forth with their stuff

he spent a fortune on petrol too.

He should of asked for petrol money but maybe these are close personal friends who he’s knows are broke? Maybe they offered, he refused and cannot tell you?
Are the people he helps really so ignorant as to never say thanks? Or is your opinion is skewed?
Anyways, he’s a grown man, surely the decision what he does with his spare time is his own?

Helped his parents

This is where you lose me. You cannot argue with a man helping his parents. I don't care what the circumstances are. Pointing to their wealth & comparing his efforts to his brother is low.
The logic being that a son can’t help his parents unless he’s rewarded sufficiently or unless he’s brother puts in the same effort?

Often makes arrangements with his friends where HE has to to all the travelling, ie they want to meet in a pub that suits them,

Let me tell you a secret. Men decide in the taxi where they are going to be drinking. Asking your male friends early in the week or organise themselves to drink closer to you because the wife is making your life hell is akin to public self-castration.
I really feel for your husband.

I know you can't be adding up who does what all the time, but I feel like every time we go to meet with his friends or family, we're nearly waiting for the favour to come up. He will say "Its nice to be good to people"

If the risk for being a decent, generous, giving human being is the odd person takes advantage, then so be it. Your husband has judged these people worthy of his time & efforts. End of.
You haven’t said he puts other people before his own family so he obviously finds the time to manage everything. It’s just his nature to want to help people without expecting anything in return.
You’re essentially attacking his basic "goodness".
Belittling him as naive. Why don't you just admire it as an essential part of who he is?

Taltos

Floorpie - welcome to PI/RI.
If you have not already done so please review our charter.

Posting links is not permitted and is generally frowned upon in this forum.

Taltos

floorpie

Taltos wrote: »

Floorpie - welcome to PI/RI.
If you have not already done so please review our charter.

Posting links is not permitted and is generally frowned upon in this forum.

Taltos

I don't see anything in there about posting links...? However i did notice the ban on PUA stuff, just to clarify, i wasn't advocating the usage of any sort of 'technique', but apologies anyway.