Friend is Depressed

Pearlring

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry for the rant but i need to know has anyone been in this delimea before.
My best friend since i was about 4 [now both in our mid 20's] has gone through some very rough years -family issues, two sudden deaths. She has a disorder which makes her very overweight [she eats hardly nothing - and everything is always healthy!] She met a guy a year ago and now they are engaged - dont know if she actually loves him or is it simply because she is afraid she wont find no one else. [i cant stand him but thats a different story]
I have pleeded with her all along to go and talk to someone professional about it - she ticks every depression symptom in the book - even the suicidal ones unfortunately.
Im at my wits end and just want to know what to do - she wont take my advice and says she wont talk to me no more if i dont drop the issue.
Her family has no idea nor has her boyfriend that she is like this.
i dont want to have to walk away from her but now i dont know what else to do...........advice please if you have any.

Abi

Pearlring wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry for the rant but i need to know has anyone been in this delimea before.
My best friend since i was about 4 [now both in our mid 20's] has gone through some very rough years -family issues, two sudden deaths. She has a disorder which makes her very overweight [she eats hardly nothing - and everything is always healthy!] She met a guy a year ago and now they are engaged - dont know if she actually loves him or is it simply because she is afraid she wont find no one else. [i cant stand him but thats a different story]
I have pleeded with her all along to go and talk to someone professional about it - she ticks every depression symptom in the book - even the suicidal ones unfortunately.
Im at my wits end and just want to know what to do - she wont take my advice and says she wont talk to me no more if i dont drop the issue.
Her family has no idea nor has her boyfriend that she is like this.
i dont want to have to walk away from her but now i dont know what else to do...........advice please if you have any.

What you've written is a bit cryptic, so it's kind of difficult to be of much help to you. You will have to be a bit clearer on the matter, because all I've gotten is that you're dead against her fiance. Why is that?

Just because she's been through / going through depression, it doesn't mean she's hastily choosing him because she feels she won't do any better. He may well be supporting her through it, while you undoubtedly are coming off as the jealous friend.


Even a little detail / background to this, and we may be able to throw in our tuppence worth. At present, it's just one hazy side to the story.

Pearlring

As i stated the fiancee matter is a different story. And as i stated the financee had no idea that she was depressed as i asked him did he notice it three days ago. Since i mentioned it, he has copped on to a lot of things looking back over the past year i.e. crying over anything, mood swings, sudden illness, sleeping a lot during the day, making excuses for not going to work.


How out of interest am i coming across as the jealous friend???????????

Abi

Pearlring wrote: »

As i stated the fiancee matter is a different story. And as i stated the financee had no idea that she was depressed as i asked him did he notice it three days ago. Since i mentioned it, he has copped on to a lot of things looking back over the past year i.e. crying over anything, mood swings, sudden illness, sleeping a lot during the day, making excuses for not going to work.


How out of interest am i coming across as the jealous friend???????????

All I'm saying is, your post wasn't extremely clear. You said you didn't like him, but "thats another story", so that was baseless as far as the reader is concerned, unless you gave some kind of indication why. He has begun noticing these symptoms himself you said. The only reason I'm needling you on that issue is, he will be the one spending most of the time with her I assume. It would be useful if you do have concerns about her, to join forces with him and help to motivate her to do something about her depression. If he's not an option, have you considered talking to her family and asking them to get through to her?

You've expressed your concerns to her on numerous occasions, and she's told you to drop the subject. Do you have any idea why?


I'm just trying to read between the lines here OP.

Pearlring

Ive spoke to her Family about it 2 years ago and again a year ago it didnt do any good tho.
He isnt going to be much help as he feels its 'her issue'

She says she doesnt want to talk to anyone that she's better off alone.

Abi

Pearlring wrote: »

Ive spoke to her Family about it 2 years ago and again a year ago it didnt do any good tho.
He isnt going to be much help as he feels its 'her issue'

Well first off, thats not good enough from him, nor is it from her family. What did her family say about it when you talked to them?

She says she doesnt want to talk to anyone that she's better off alone.

Alone alone, or without any counseling. Sorry for all the questions, but I'm trying to grasp whats happening PR.

qwertytlk

Hi, iv read all your posts here on this subject and in my opinion there isnt much you can do if your friend doesnt want to talk about her issues or seek help. My advice would be to talk to her once more. See if u can get her to open up. Suggest counselling or a support group-depending on what the issue is. Or try get her to see her GP. Offer to accompany her if she feels she cant do it along. After this if she still wont discuss it or agree to get help then just make it clear that you will be there for her if she ever needs to talk, or is feeling low. And that you will support her in seeking prodessional help when she is ready. Be her friend.... Because short of forcing her to get help this is all you can realistically do.
Hope this helps. Good luck

Pearlring

Hi all

Thanks for the advice.
@ Abi - he is no support at all to her - this is why i cant stand the guy - he moved in to where she lives after 2 months [didnt offer rent, to help with bills nothing, demands dinner be ready every evening for him cause he 'works hard' sitting on a chair all day! he puts her down a nice bit too even in front of me] she desevers better but believes that no one else would want her. He moved out after i had a go at him for not helping out and moved back with his parents and now stays at her's the weekend - they had an engagement party which she paid for and i helped out - he didnt put his hand in his pocket once and moaned there wasnt enough food. my blood boils when i think how useless he is.
As for her family she only has her mother who is quite old and well she thinks she's fine as again she puts on a front when she is around her. When i spoke with her mother before and asked her to suss out the issue she said straight out 'Pearlring thinks you have depression, sort yourself out.' suttle eh!

She feels like she did 4 years ago that if she ignores it or doesnt talk about it - it will automatically fix itself!

She has become a lot worse which is why i cant turn a blind eye anymore and to be honest its starting to get to me a lot - my boyfriend says he can see i am worry and i'm always checking my phone to see if she has got in touch or worried about what she will do to herself as she thinks we're better off without her. If something happens her i will feel like i didnt do enough.

maxwell smart

Can you get her to speak to the family doctor?

Depression comes in many forms. Just be careful you dont overstep your friendship.

Abi

Pearlring wrote: »

Hi all

Thanks for the advice.
@ Abi - he is no support at all to her - this is why i cant stand the guy - he moved in to where she lives after 2 months [didnt offer rent, to help with bills nothing, demands dinner be ready every evening for him cause he 'works hard' sitting on a chair all day! he puts her down a nice bit too even in front of me] she desevers better but believes that no one else would want her. He moved out after i had a go at him for not helping out and moved back with his parents and now stays at her's the weekend - they had an engagement party which she paid for and i helped out - he didnt put his hand in his pocket once and moaned there wasnt enough food. my blood boils when i think how useless he is.
As for her family she only has her mother who is quite old and well she thinks she's fine as again she puts on a front when she is around her. When i spoke with her mother before and asked her to suss out the issue she said straight out 'Pearlring thinks you have depression, sort yourself out.' suttle eh!

She feels like she did 4 years ago that if she ignores it or doesnt talk about it - it will automatically fix itself!

She has become a lot worse which is why i cant turn a blind eye anymore and to be honest its starting to get to me a lot - my boyfriend says he can see i am worry and i'm always checking my phone to see if she has got in touch or worried about what she will do to herself as she thinks we're better off without her. If something happens her i will feel like i didnt do enough.

You've done plenty for her, and you still are, you're a good friend. I don't know, something just isn't sitting right. I think if I was very depressed and suicidal, an engagement party would have been the last thing on my mind.


I'm really stumped here. has she no siblings or anything?

Pearlring

No she has no brothers or sisters.

No she wont talk to no one.
Some symptoms of depression are

• Lasting sadness and anxiety
• Lethargy
• Difficulties with focus or concentration
• Sleeplessness or over sleeping
• Disinterest in once favoured activities
• Feelings of guilt or despair
• Pains or bodily ailments that are not due an injury or illness
• Thoughts of death or suicidal thoughts

She ticks every one of them at least 4/5 a day!

she keeps putting on this front of being cheerful yet i get texts and phone calls when she's alone and she is crying and telling me people are better off without her and how does he love me etc. I just dont know what to say to her no more and to be honest am starting to get sick of it after 4 years. she'll ring me when she knows im at an event or out for dinner or out for the night and thats it im just worried about her for rest of night.
I'm starting to just give up and get annoyed with her aswell.

qwertytlk

Pearlring wrote: »

she keeps putting on this front of being cheerful yet i get texts and phone calls when she's alone and she is crying and telling me people are better off without her and how does he love me etc. I just dont know what to say to her no more and to be honest am starting to get sick of it after 4 years. she'll ring me when she knows im at an event or out for dinner or out for the night and thats it im just worried about her for rest of night.
I'm starting to just give up and get annoyed with her aswell.

wow... I dont mean to be so blunt, but after reading that.... Well are you sure she is not just a sympathy seeker? Like ringing you when she knos your out? And that you wll be worrying? If i am right and she is attention seeking then it really fits with alot of what you said because before you said that above , the whole thing just didnt seem right. I have a feeling she may be really playing on your good and caring nature. And perhaps her family know she is like this and thats why there not tsking more of an interest?!

sarahbro

I went thru the exact same thing with a girl in school 7 years so. i went running when the calls and the texts came. I rang ambulances when she "OD'd" (was no attempt!). I ran rings round her to keep her safe. but when i did crap in the leaving and she got her million points, college she wanted and a brilliant life for herself she wasn't to be found. and when my life was falling to pieces she didn't want yo know.

My advice to you may sound harsh but - walk away. ignore the texts and the calls. you'll find she will do nothing at all. you've done more than enough

pheasant tail

[QUOTE=
My advice to you may sound harsh but - walk away. ignore the texts and the calls. you'll find she will do nothing at all. you've done more than enough[/QUOTE]


I think thats the worst advice ever.just because your friend did that doesnt mean the OPs friend is like that,such shyt!!
Pearlring i know you must be sick of it,dont shut her out totally,be there for her,but take a step back,like if your on a night out and she rings,dont answer,ring her the next day and say you missed the call or something and you will find she will probably be okay anyway,people like that often just ring for a rant at times,all the best

Overheal

pheasant tail wrote: »

I think thats the worst advice ever.just because your friend did that doesnt mean the OPs friend is like that,such shyt!!

I happen to agree though. Having been through rough patches myself, and having nobody to talk to really, it was a trial by fire, but a necessary and life-changing experience.

Some people are just stuck in their either self-pity mode or this weird cycle of behavior where they basically seek love and attention from other people through sympathy or pity or some combination of both. Just to get their ego boost. In psychology I believe a remotely similar concept is called learned helplessness. It's very similar to a child who will cry to get attention but will stop if nobody is around to hear it cry, or if it's clear that nobody cares to respond to it.

Similarly I think the best thing you can do for your friend is give her a good shoving off and let her learn how to swim. You don't have to cut the girl out of your life but definitely quite patronizing her. She'll soon get the message that she will need to figure **** out for herself, or sink.

KathleenMcCabe

Depression can strike anyone and turn the nicest most positive people into negative people who push those who love them away and isolate themselves. It's a big part of depression.

If you can get your friend to talk to them www.pieta.ie are a wonderful group of people who offer a free service. Initial consultation and afterwards, follow up sessions. Any little helps. The first visit takes around 15mins. Maybe she'll go for that? I am one of those who isolates themselves and have recently turned to pieta house. I still have a long way to go but don't regret it one bit.

Hope she feels better soon.