New country - no friends

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

hope someone can give me some advice. I moved to a new country almost two years ago now to be with my boyfriend. I dont regret moving over here - i love him and i have a secure enough job which i probably wouldnt have back home

I do get homesick sometimes, which is natural, but its made harder by the fact that i dont have one real friend here (apart from my boyfriend). It took me a while to find work, and i assumed once i had, id make friends with my workmates. This hasnt been the case - its not that they arent nice people, but we have nothing in common. They're a bit older, have families - different stages of life i guess.

I moved straight in with my boyf when i got here, so never got to do the whole staying in hostels, meeting other travellers etc. My boyf friends are his friends...he is really good at asking me to hang out with them, but i dont want to be a nuisance and constantly tag along.

People will tell me to join clubs, i know, but im so nervous of doing that all by myself. Im a pretty shy person, and i dont know how to go up to a group of people and start talking. The thoughts of turning up to a club all by myself and standing alone awkwardly while everyone else chats away fills with me dread - it would be so humiliating. But i know i have to do something - two years and still not one person to call a friend...thats pretty humiliating in itself. My boyf went away for a couple of weeks in the summer, and during that time, the only people i had any contact with were the cashiers at the supermarket. Depressing

I read the travel section here sometimes and so many irish people abroad seem to have made such a success of their new lives. I dont even need a big group of friends, im much happier with one or two people i can rely on.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

I know the feeling - I've also moved abroad, but I did it alone. It can sometimes play on your mind that everyone else is making a big success of it and ur not - but start talking to ppl, and u'll soon find out that nearly everyone has that same insecurity about failing....they also probably share that feeling of being scared, alone and not having a network of friends to rely on.

and there's the key. listen to ur own words ' The thoughts of turning up to a club all by myself and standing alone awkwardly while everyone else chats away fills with me dread - it would be so humiliating. But i know i have to do something - two years and still not one person to call a friend...thats pretty humiliating in itself. '

so what's the worst of those two scenarios? the second, really not having anyone. So go to the club, realise that others are there for the same thing and start chatting. U say u never got to stay in hostels etc - most ppl in hostels are just passing thru, u didnt miss out on anything except a few great parties and making contacts in other countries in case u visit....most likely, they wont be staying in ur country so they couldnt become the friends u want. even if they are, u might not end up staying friends.

join sports clubs, start langauge exchanges, even go to a bar on ur own, or go to a hostel and hang out there one weekend and u'll have a few parties and meet ppl. There's usually clubs or events that are held for foreigners so start looking for websites/forums. i know it's hard, but u have to push urself to get what u want - and once u start it'll get easier.

also, have u thought about moving out? i've seen a lot of couples that have done the same, move to a place and live together, spend all their time together and it can be detrimental to ur social life....how can u make friends if ur not around new ppl?

beks101

Hi OP,

I think it would be a good idea for you to reach out to the Irish expat community where you are - you'll probably find a group of like-minded individuals there.

I live in Toronto, came here with friends, but the Irish community is so big and getting bigger by the minute that it's very easy to meet people similar to ourselves and I'd have made more new Irish than Canadian friends in the time I've been here. Over here, things like SWAP events (the company that most people get their visa through), nights out in Irish pubs, table quizzes, Irish clubs (there's a GAA team here for example) - the most enlightening thing I've discovered since emigrating is how homely these places can feel and how welcoming and forthcoming other Irish emigrants are when you're abroad, so maybe it's worth your while looking down this route. Find out where the Irish people are (and I've no doubt there's a community where you are - you can't get away from us these days!)

I feel for you though - I know how isolating it can be to be so far from home and feel like you have no-one to talk to. But you are most certainly not alone and it's just a temporary problem - you just need to get a little proactive and productive about meeting people. And don't be afraid to express your feelings to your boyfriend about this one - after all, you moved to be with him - and he may be a bit more conscious of introducing you to new people, etc if he knows that you're struggling a little.

Best of luck OP, I hope you find what you're looking for x

username123

NeedAFriend wrote: »

People will tell me to join clubs, i know, but im so nervous of doing that all by myself. Im a pretty shy person, and i dont know how to go up to a group of people and start talking. The thoughts of turning up to a club all by myself and standing alone awkwardly while everyone else chats away fills with me dread - it would be so humiliating.

Usually in clubs, when people see a new person they are straight over to say hello with a bit of natural curiosity.

You dont go to a club and end up standing awkwardly while everyone else chats away - and lets face it - if that happened, its not the kind of club youd ever want to go back to anyway!!

Its only the first few seconds of actually walking in alone thats hard, I can promise you that as soon as you get there, people will start talking to you.

You could try a class rather than a club, like a cookery class, or a sports class - that way, you have something to be doing, but there tends to be a bit of banter before, after, and during the class.
I did swimming lessons a few years ago and it WAS awkward for the first minute. Then someone said to me 'oh I hope its not hard this week' and I said 'this is my first time, how hard is it usually' and next thing we were chatting away and then it was easy.

So join something and dont worry about that first minute - it passes in a minute!!

dr.bollocko

beks101 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I think it would be a good idea for you to reach out to the Irish expat community where you are - you'll probably find a group of like-minded individuals there.

+1 big time. If there is an ex-pat community they tend to be very helpful / friendly. Perhaps you could try and socialise more with work colleagues also? Good luck in any case.

tallaghtmick

What country are you in O.P

LegacyUser

Op here,

thanks for the replies - I really appreciate it.

tallaghtmick wrote: »

What country are you in O.P

Im in Canada..vancouver to be specific, so i really don't have any excuse at all - same language and Ireland is not exactly miles apart culturally from Canada either.
Things should be easy for me here.

beks101 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I think it would be a good idea for you to reach out to the Irish expat community where you are - you'll probably find a group of like-minded individuals there.

You're right, the ex-pat group thing i should look into. Again, the fear of joining a group on my own is what has been holding me back on that front. Also, Im not so much into the whole pub culture that you find back home - from your experience, is there a mix of people at these things?

I guess it comes down to confidence. I know myself im not going to make any friends sitting at home on my own. Reading through everyones responses sort of makes me feel like I can do it if i really want it…and i really do, so thanks for the moral support. I suppose if i do go to some club and totally make a fool of myself, I can just leave safe in the knowledge i probably wont see these people ever again, right lol

tallaghtmick

NeedAFriend wrote: »

Op here,

thanks for the replies - I really appreciate it.



Im in Canada..vancouver to be specific, so i really don't have any excuse at all - same language and Ireland is not exactly miles apart culturally from Canada either.
Things should be easy for me here.



You're right, the ex-pat group thing i should look into. Again, the fear of joining a group on my own is what has been holding me back on that front. Also, Im not so much into the whole pub culture that you find back home - from your experience, is there a mix of people at these things?

I guess it comes down to confidence. I know myself im not going to make any friends sitting at home on my own. Reading through everyones responses sort of makes me feel like I can do it if i really want it…and i really do, so thanks for the moral support. I suppose if i do go to some club and totally make a fool of myself, I can just leave safe in the knowledge i probably wont see these people ever again, right lol

Wow Ive loads of friends over in Canada everyone seems so friendly they have all integrated too.

zxcvbnm1

Go to meetup.com and go to one of the events organised.

I know when i moved city i actually just organised an event. And bizzarrely enough, when you are organising these you are forced to come out of your shell a bit more (at least i did anyway)
Had i just been attending i would have shyed into the background a bit more i reckon.

By the very nature of these events, most people don't know anyone - otherwise they woudl be out with their own friends !

Can you not get your bf to attend with you at the bneginning?

wildlifeman

I know lots of Irish in Vancouver. Particularly around Dunbar area. they would hook you up with activities no problem. they love to meet new people coming over. you probably just need to talk to the right people. i would recomend going to a few irish pubs and check out the notice boards or have a drink and when you hear a local accent ask about stuff too.

Venus_Rus84

Hey OP,

When I first moved to Brisbane, I felt exactly the same as you (except I didn't have a b/f so I was completely alone). It's hard to find a group of solid girlfriends who you can meet up with for coffee, go shopping, go for drinks etc.

If there is an ex-pat community they tend to be very helpful / friendly.

This isn't always true. There is a huge ex-pat "community" in Australia (and in Canadian cities too if what I've heard is true) but sometimes thats the problem. If you're in a place where there aren't alot of Irish people, then when two Irish people meet each other there can be instant bonding - something immediately in common. But if your in a place where there are loads of Irish (possibly like Vancouver), then you being Irish isn't as big a deal to other Irish people. When the "community" gets so big, it can cease to exist I think.

At least, thats how I found it a bit in Brisbane. Initially, I found it hard to integrate with the ex-pat community. It especially didnt help seeing/hearing Irish people around the place all seemingly having the best time ever - it really made me wonder if there was something wrong with me that I wasn't fitting in. In the end, it was fine cause once I made a few friend, going out and meeting other people became easier. But making those initial few friends was hard!!

Also, at times I found some Irish people tended to be a bit clannish, especially the girls. Not always of course, but quite often I found they stuck to the group they were travelling with. The ex-pat community can also be very transient, living in a city for weeks at a time before moving on. When you are living in a place permanently, that can make making permanent friends very tough.

Sorry if the above is a bit off-topic. What I'm trying to say is, I totally understand how you can be feeling lonely over there - and despite the presence of a large Irish community, it can be hard to initially crack into! One poster has mentioned joining meetup.com and thats exactly what I did. I met a great bunch of (mainly English) girls who were living abroad for various reasons and didnt have a very wide social circle - same as me basically! I also changed my living circumstances so I was in a more social household and living with people who were similar to me (living in a new country) - tho with your boyfriend that may not be possible for you.

In your case, I think the internet is your best bet for meeting people. A quick search on the net and I came across the following link - scroll down and theres even a section for women new to vancouver - good luck!!

http://www.newcomersclub.com/Canada/bc.html#Vancouver

durdur

Hi OP,

I am also in Vancouver..It can be hard here to meet people alright..I joined meetup.com and got involved in volunteering etc when first arrived and it took some time but finally have a nice social circle here.

Please send me a PM and I would love to meet up for a beer:)

D