Is this my battle? And should I walk away?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I very much need some unbiased feedback here. I have no idea what to do or what is right in this situation...

I am a 32 year woman seeing a man in his forties. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months.

The problem is his adult daughter has approached me and told me she doesn't want us seeing each other because:

1) he is making a show of her and himself because of the age gap between him and me
and
2) She feels replaced by me.

I'm quite annoyed with her for a number of reasons... why isn't she pleased for her father to be happy? And more importantly how could she feel replaced by me? He certainly doesn't treat me like his daughter...does she feel like a partner figure in his life? She has her own steady co-habiting relationship so I cannot understand her issue.

I don't want to talk to him about it. I feel that if his daughter is going to cause trouble like this it's probably better to end it because no matter what happens when / if I talk to him about this it'll have to cause some kind of conflict.

I will not be responsible for causing conflict between them.

Am I wrong to be annoyed with her for putting me in this position? Or am I the unreasonable one?

All advice and viewpoints greatly appreciated.
Thanks guys

Elmidena

There's a lot missing here.

It'd be very unreasonable if the daughter's mother died or left him and it was just the dad and daughter then; of course she'd feel ousted and undervalued if suddenly her assistance wasn't needed, even if they don't live together.

You don't want to cause conflict, now why exactly is walking away acceptable as you don't want to be the one blamed for trouble between them? No doubt the father would say how upset he was to the daughter and she'd possibly say what she'd said to you. This would cause trouble and nobody would be happy at the end of the day. If you want to walk away then fine, just don't cite other people as the reason or trying to look considerate, because it won't seem that way; you'll look a stuck up cow who's only after #1 most likely.

You have every right to be annoyed at her saying that, but maybe she thought her father was having a midlife crisis and it'd blow over, six months on it didn't. If you like the guy stay with him and talk to him or the daughter (the truth will out eventually) and if you don't then leave. She doesn't control his life, and it is hard for her with age similarity etc but he's free to love whoever he wants (once it's legal). Say you break up, the daughter wins. This will probably go on for any of his relationships until someone mans up and talks about her insecurity. But it's up to you if he's worth holding on to, and if the baggage is worth it.

I am a friend

Are you happy and is he happy? If so, why would you let someone come between you?

LegacyUser

Elmidina - why should she take it out on me if her father undervalues her? surely that'll be the same regardless of who he is in a relationship and has nothing to do with me - is this not a personal issue she needs to deal with? she is an adult afterall and so imo should take responsibility for how she feels instead of blaming me or her father or any circumstances. I'm throwing that out there - feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable. That's what I'm on here to figure out.

Her mother is alive and in a solid relationship for a long time and they all have an amicable relationship.

I am a friend - Yes - that's the ideal. But does that apply even if they someone is his daughter?

As it's only 6 months in I really don't want to go through this with her or him if it's going to end up splitting us up anyway either because his daughter demands it or the conflict causes it....I know thats worst case scenario but my past experience is that I make too many allowances for baggage in all my relationships - friends, family and partner. My initial reaction when she spoke to me was to walk away from him but its not easy because I have strong feelings for him...so when I thought about it I wondered whether it would do any good? Is she going to be like this if he meets someone else...unless she picks someone else for him... or does she just want him to be single forever more?

My honest feelings about her are that she's spoilt, selfish and immature about this. She is in a LT relationship herself. I'm so annoyed she felt it was ok to interfere and if she feels she "owns" her father like that what chance does our relationship have?

I'm very annoyed so I can't see this thing clearly and I really appreciated your responses.

Miss Fluff

I don't understand why you would contemplate walking away. If you make each other happy then you need to reassure his daughter and discuss her fears directly with her.

You have expressly said she has two main issues. The first one relates to the age gap and her evident immaturity. There is nothing you can do re the years between you so that's her tough luck and perhaps with a bit more maturity/experience on her part the (I presume 10/15) years between you will just be a non-issue.

On the second issue, you do have some influence here. In fact your input is absolutely essential. The girl has expressed how she feels sidelined, probably quite jealous and hurt and that you're ultimately seeking to replace her. This is something you're going to need to discuss with her at length and why she a. feels like this and b. what you can do to make it better.

I'm not for a moment suggesting you pander to her but if you love your partner then you will be keen to make sure his daughter is happy too - she's an integral part of his life so if you can iron out the creases now it will make life so much easier.

I'd only walk away from this if I didn't love him and didn't think the relationship was worth investing in.

Morbert

annoyed&unsure wrote: »

I will not be responsible for causing conflict between them.

You are not. She is.

Taltos

Actually I can understand the daughter totally - I have seen it before.
I do not get though your reaction?

Why would you even consider keeping this from your OH?
It really doesn't matter what the daughter said to you - this is a conversation she needs to have with her father. Actually this is quite cunning of her - she is relying on your guilt to force your hand.

No matter what - the relationship that your OH has with his daughter or doesn't really is outside of your control. I have seen a situation like this only once before - where 2 sisters made their fathers life hell. You know what - he went ahead and saw the woman they objected to regardless, having sacrificed so much of his own life for them he realised he deserved to be happy too. Your OH's daughter needs to realise that her father likewise deserves to be happy - and if that is with you then brilliant.

Next time she comes to you with something like this - you need to end the conversation immediately - tell her that while you care she needs to discuss this with her dad and you will hear no more on it.

Now - go talk to the man - he is not a child needing to be coddled - but clearly he needs to learn how his daugher is feeling so he can reassure her.

Remember - never let anyone else dictate who you can or cannot see or be involved with.

Kadongy

I've seen this too. When I saw it the children's concerns were clearly more to do with finances than with emotions. The "replacing her" comment is really bizarre. I would suspect it indicates financial concerns. Can only really imagine her saying something that weird if she was thinking about what she didnt want to say too directly - and was less aware of what she was saying would sound like...

I am a friend

She is a grown up so she should not be interfering.

A fabulous girl I know met a widower with a number of grown up kids (20/30's) when she was in her late 30's and she fell in love with him and he her. His 'kids' who have since married themselves, have created so so so many problems over the years that she has had her heart broken within this relationship. I blame him for not standing up to his kids and I strongly recommend that you talk to your oh about this and both of you face the problem together. If he nips it in the bud early then it can be solved but if he doesn't even know that there is a problem then the daughter will continue to chip away at you. Present a united front.

She is probably worried he will have more kids with you and her inheritance will be affected - some people are that greedy!!!

jimmycrackcorm

Op, simply tell her to talk to her father about this instead. If she brings it up with you again then offer to get the three if you together to discuss it.

That won't happen because the daughter knows she is in the wrong otherwise she'd have approached her father instead, but if it did, then completely direct any discussion between them. It's their issue, not yours.

iguana

Kadongy wrote: »

The "replacing her" comment is really bizarre.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that as the OP is 32 she fears her father may start a second family?

LegacyUser

Thank you all.

It's got nothing to do with her fearing he'll start another family. He's already done that with his ex. She has a 12 year old half sister.

Anyway it seems it has more to do with that relationship than anything to do with me...that relationship harmed her and her fathers relationship and then they become very close after the break-up he relied on her heavily throughout the split.

So she came to me instead of him in the hope that I'd walk away as she doesn't trust him not to throw her aside this time either.

All in all the last couple of days have shown him up to be unreliable - it seems he needs to grow a pair...

I'm hurt & angry & very confused. I'm not sure what is actually going on here at all...with any of them.

I am a friend

This is what happened to my friend - her oh had no balls... He wasted years of her life and her chance of having kids with his false belief and false promises that he could stand up to his adult kids..

LegacyUser

I am a friend - I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad I came on here to ask advice. It's certainly making me think.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Just goes to show you - age and experience have nothing to do with anything - it's all to do with the kind of person you are...

There's a lot of baggage here so both my OH and his daughter(s) have experienced a lot. Surely that should make them wise, strong, mature? Not in this case. What they've experienced together should have created a solid relationship between them but instead of that all that's happened is insecurity and covert nonsense. Hasn't done them any good from what I can see. His 12 year old has more sense than the other 2 put together.

so angry - I feel so foolish...I thought he was one of the good guys. My head is wrecked...