Issue with a friend

LegacyUser

So, I'm going to start with saying I am a person who genuinely hates upsetting someone, and in turn dislikes having people upset with me.

The other night I was at a friends party. We were all sitting around chatting. One of the girls commented on my dress, how much she liked it. I did the usual Irish girl thing saying "What? This old thing?" Then one of the other girls said they loved my hair and I should wear it up more often, and once again I said something to the effect of "God, I didn't know what to do with it, just threw it up." One particular friend made a passing remark, something along the lines of "Oh yeah, sure, you made no effort at all," sarcastically. This is not the first time she has made a comment like this.

Last year, I stayed over at her place with a few of the girls, and all of us were chatting away in our p.j.'s. I got up to make some tea and she said, "Jesus Christ, your bottoms don't fit you, would you ever go away and put on some weight!" I took offence to this and made quite a snappy remark back saying "I wouldn't comment on anyone else's weight, so would you mind not commenting on mine!" Some of the girls gave out to her for it.
Now what annoys me is the fact that she sucks up to all my other friends, telling them constantly how beautiful they look or how something really suits them. Most of my friends are very good looking girls, so I don't think its the case that she is jealous of me for my looks or anything, I definitely wouldn't rate amongst some of my friends.

I remember one day going on a girlie trip to a make-up/hair course. I volunteered to have my hair done by the lady so she could show us different looks. She did this 'up do'. Some of the girls said were saying that it really suited me and looked great. I overheard her saying to one of my friends, "Oh God, of course she would have to get her hair done nicely before a night out!"

At the party the other night, I passed her fiancé. I remarked on how his pose was funny, he was leaning against a door with his arm resting against it, almost like he was flirting with every passer by, (sorry, can't describe it well) he joked back. I said "Don't think **** will like her fiancé flirting with every passer by!" Three or four of our friends were with us when all of this banter was going on, and we were all laughing. One of the lads said, "Well **** if she (me) starts flirting back you may have to throw that engagement ring away!" Now at this point I walked away and pretended I didn't hear all this. Now, she was in the room at the time, so could have overheard, and now I'm worried that she thinks I was flirting with him. I feel like she takes exception to whatever I say or do. I know my other female friends joke in the same way with her fiancé as I do, we have been good friends for years.
Later on that night, she got a bit sick and I took her to the bathroom to make sure she was ok. I told her fiancé to go and look after her. Later on I saw her talking to him and looking upset. I am just worried it was because of me.

So, this is my dilemma. I texted her today about an idea for a gift we are buying a friend. She replied quite coldly saying she knows what the friend wants but thanks. I replied saying something like, "oh sorry, I was no help." She didn't respond again.

My problem is, I really don't know what I have done wrong. What way should I go about things to make things right? Am I best to just leave it til she gets over whatever issues she has with me? Or do I just ring her up and ask her why she seems to be quite cold to me lately? Btw, I have been friends with this girl for over 10 years, we aren't best friends but still would be close. It seems like these things have only started happening in the last 2 years. Sorry if this has sent you into a deep sleep, its just I'm worried I have upset her.
Thanks.

shinikins

It sounds to me like she is jealous of you. You don't have to be the prettiest girl in the room for someone to be envious of you. She may be envious of the fact that you dress well, or are popular, who knows?! I've found that people are jealous of the most inane things, I once had a friend comment that she was envious of the fact that I always look confident and walk into a room with my head held high. The truth of the matter is I am quite shy, especially when I'm faced with a new situation so I tend to take a deep breath and walk purposefully to where I'm going as a defense mechanism. It shocked me that she felt like that, especially as the truth is the polar opposite.

If it were me in your shoes I would probably say it to her, "whats going on XXX? You seem to be upset with me recently and I don't know what I've done?" That way you give her the opportunity to clear the air, and she is aware that she is being catty to you.

Janet1986

+ 1 on the jealousy.

I don't know what you look like but i reckon you are better looking then she is and men would find you more attractive than her and this is the problem.

This girl is probably insecure when you are around her because she compares herself with you, e.g she's thinner than me, she can throw anything and still look good.

Just blank her when you meet your friends and she is there, act like she is not there! She won't be long asking you did she do something wrong (or bitch about you, why is so and so ignoring me etc)

curlzy

Hey OP,

I always find it quite tiring and annoying when someone can't take a compliment. Like when your hair was complimented and you said "ah I just threw it up" or when your dress was complimented "ah this old thing". That annoys the cr*p outta me, it always sounds like the person is looking for more compliments through reassurance. Could it be that maybe? Just looking at it from another persective, I really do find it irritating when a person can't just say "thanks" when complimented. Other than that I can't really see a reason for her to annoyed.

Best of luck.

solovely

Sometimes people just wind each other up and annoy each other for tiny reasons which can seem totally crazy to others. So, it could be as Curlyz says, that your false modesty is annoying her, or it could be as the others have suggested, that she is jealous of you.

Either way, in life, we are always going to come across people, who for some reason or other, and either temporarily or permanently decide to take a dislike to us. It stinks, it's a horrible feeling, and it's even worse when you like the person yourself, or if you have low self esteem. In this case, you don't seem to be particularly close to the girl or have low self esteem, so if possible, just put it down to a life experience and move on with your other friends, who are obviously nice, decent people like you, and just hope your other "friend" grows out of her phase.

I've gone through what you describe here from both sides (had friends turn off me and give me silent treatment for no reason I could see, but also have found friends irritating for no good reason either) so it goes in swings and roundabouts. I've found that making a big deal out of it or getting really hurt by it just prolongs things and make a bigger deal.

By not making a big fuss of this girl as others have suggested - not outright ignoring her, but not making any effort with her either, she will either get over it, or continue with her pettiness and lose you as a friend.

Try not to be so sensitive if you can be. You will meet lots more people like her throughout the course of your life. If she's the first like this that you've met, you've been extremely lucky til now!!

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for all the replies. The resounding response is that she is jealous of me, for what I don't know. As I have said before, I'm definitely not the prettiest girl in the group. In fact we spend most of our time complimenting three of the girls in particular because they never fail to impress us! Just don't get why she has targeted me as a person she dislikes.

I can take compliments, I do say thanks after each one but I don't actually get why people compliment me when I have made little effort, and so usually respond with something like "Really? You think? I was feeling very dodgy in this outfit" or something similar. Sometimes I wonder why one of my friends could be overwhelmed with compliments and they respond in the same way, and then why I do she picks up on it and almost makes out like I'm fishing for them.

I don't see her enough quite honestly for me to cause such dislike. I might see her once a month. We might chat once a fortnight, but with her wedding coming up soon I will be seeing alot more of her, and really don't want to be the reason why she is upset. Want to get along with her because I like her, I have shared things with her about loss of family members because she was the only one that understands having gone through similar experiences. Basically, I don't want to lose her because deep down I believe I can rectify any issues she has with me.

Once again, I can honestly say I have never done anything to p*ss her off, other than just being me, and that is what is so upsetting.
Thanks for all the replies.

discus

Just say thanks in future. As curlzy has posted, it does get quite tiring.

rebel10

The op has said that she does say thanks after being complimented but generally doesn't sometimes get why she is being complimented, which is fine, sometimes I don't too, and would probably respond in the same way. If it is too much of an effort to compliment someone and get some kind of a response, why bother?
Op, my opinion is that this friend, for whatever reason has a bone to pick with you, and has decided to be sheepish about it as such, and not come out straight with it. Instead she is one of these girls that behaves in a fairly childish manner rather than just saying whatever she needs to say. I find these girls are much more 'tiring' than any girl who comments on a compliment I have given them.:rolleyes:
I would send a text saying, "All ok? You don't seem yourself lately?" Then if she chooses to ignore the issues she has with you, you know in all honesty what kind of a 'friend' you are dealing with. You can continue on in the pretence that nothing is really going on, but because you have posted here all that is, I genuinely think you are better off not choosing to ignore it and just finally get it out in the open. Hope this helps:)

Big Bag of Chips

She may not just like you. If she always seemed to like you and now doesn't the best you can do is ask her.

Nobody here can guess why. We can offer suggestions from she's jealous, to you're annoying, but none of us know. Heck! You don't know, and you're the only dealing with her!!

So either you ask her, or you continue to pretend not to notice....

what should i do

what should i do wrote: »

"Oh yeah, sure, you made no effort at all," sarcastically.
"Jesus Christ, your bottoms don't fit you, would you ever go away and put on some weight!" I took offence to this and made quite a snappy remark back saying "I wouldn't comment on anyone else's weight, so would you mind not commenting on mine!"

I wouldn't see her behaviour here as being that bad.

Later on I saw her talking to him and looking upset. I am just worried it was because of me.

It's 99% certainly not about you. She was drunk and upset and talking to her fiance, I'd doubt it had anything to do with a small thing like that that happened earlier.

I really don't know what I have done wrong. What way should I go about things to make things right?

I doubt you've done anything wrong. I'd guess she just doesn't like you right now. And her behaviour does seem to be more along the lines of avoiding you, keeping her distance from you and passing casual annoyed comments rather than actually being angry with you or trying to upset you.

Give her space. Leave her alone and ignore her. If she decides she's ready to be pally with you again, it's up to her to mend bridges. You can't please all of the people all of the time, and trying will only annoy people.

Big Bag of Chips

Another thing to consider is that if you really don't like upsetting people, and don't like people to be upset at you.. then maybe you come across as a bit false and too nice? "Too sweet to be wholesome" type of thing?

This could annoy her about you.. not saying it's reasonable or acceptable on her part but it could be another reason.

I wouldn't be too quick to jump on the "she's jealous of you" explanation, as the only explanation. Plenty of people annoy me for various, small reasons. Jealousy doesn't come into it!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She may not just like you. If she always seemed to like you and now doesn't the best you can do is ask her.

Nobody here can guess why. We can offer suggestions from she's jealous, to you're annoying, but none of us know. Heck! You don't know, and you're the only dealing with her!!

So either you ask her, or you continue to pretend not to notice....

Thanks for the reply. I don't think I was asking how you think I may have annoyed her, I was more or less just venting and giving you some background. I was just asking what I should do to make things good again.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Another thing to consider is that if you really don't like upsetting people, and don't like people to be upset at you.. then maybe you come across as a bit false and too nice? "Too sweet to be wholesome" type of thing?

This could annoy her about you.. not saying it's reasonable or acceptable on her part but it could be another reason.

I wouldn't be too quick to jump on the "she's jealous of you" explanation, as the only explanation. Plenty of people annoy me for various, small reasons. Jealousy doesn't come into it!

I don't think anyone genuinely feels good about upsetting people, no? Is that being false? I kind of think that if that is her issue, which I don't believe it is, because I am quite straight and tell her all the time if she has upset me, then I would just give up on her. As you said, it would be unreasonable if I were like that, but I'm not.
Plenty of people annoy me too, but generally, if they are people I am somewhat close to and tend to spend time with, I usually tell them why so I don't get so bitter. I just wish she would do the same is all.
Anyway, have been talking to another friend about this. She said she has noticed the way she has been acting around me in recent weeks. She said that on her way home in the taxi with her the other night she drunkenly told her that "****(me) hated her". My friend asked her why she thought this and she just said never mind and chose to ignore it. The only way I can work my head around this is that perhaps because I have told her to stop picking at things I have said or did in the past, she has decided that, childishly, I have taken a dislike to her. Anyway, I have decided that I am kind of sick of tip toeing around the issue and am just going to get over it, she can bring up whatever issue she has with me when we meet again and if she doesn't then suppose it is her problem and not really mine.

true-or-false wrote: »

I wouldn't see her behaviour here as being that bad.

It's 99% certainly not about you. She was drunk and upset and talking to her fiance, I'd doubt it had anything to do with a small thing like that that happened earlier.

I doubt you've done anything wrong. I'd guess she just doesn't like you right now. And her behaviour does seem to be more along the lines of avoiding you, keeping her distance from you and passing casual annoyed comments rather than actually being angry with you or trying to upset you.

Give her space. Leave her alone and ignore her. If she decides she's ready to be pally with you again, it's up to her to mend bridges. You can't please all of the people all of the time, and trying will only annoy people.

You see, what I have wrote here is a brief summary of things she has said to me to upset me. I know, as someone reading this, you may not think it is that bad. But to me I feel a bit bullied being honest. It seems like whenever she has an audience she just thinks its acceptable to make comments about how I look or what I say. My friend, last night, told me she had wished that sometimes she had told her to cop on everytime she has said something to me because she wasn't aware of how bad it has got. Also, I would never comment on anybody's weight and assume that was perfectly reasonable.

Big Bag of Chips

Well the next time she says something why not just turn it back to her. Not aggressively or looking for a row just something like... why do you think that? why would you say that? Etc..

I know people in general don't like upsetting people or having people upset with them... but then some people like a bit of drama. And if she thinks you are "too nice" and generally don't get involved in dramas, this could easily piss her off.

Do you know what I mean?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well the next time she says something why not just turn it back to her. Not aggressively or looking for a row just something like... why do you think that? why would you say that? Etc..

I know people in general don't like upsetting people or having people upset with them... but then some people like a bit of drama. And if she thinks you are "too nice" and generally don't get involved in dramas, this could easily piss her off.

Do you know what I mean?

Thanks. Yes, maybe I should be more aggressive, but then I have always felt that I have stood my ground and been fairly quick to stand up to her. I really don't want the drama, but just want to be able to understand what it is I have done wrong in her eyes. I really don't think it is because I am "too nice", I'm most certainly not, I might be looking like I'm trying to come across as innocent and sweet here, but I'm definitely not. I just don't go out of my way to offend people, especially friends. I'm not one to sit on the fence either, and would be considered fairly straight and vocal when it comes to things that I disagree with. But I wouldn't want to upset a friend personally in doing so, if that makes sense.

I think I am definitely over-thinking this issue. She obviously isn't, otherwise she would have probably raised the problem before now. I think I just need to relax about it, and whatever happens, happens. Thanks Big Bag of Chips.

CarMe

You really are over thinking this, none of it sounds like any big deal maybe you're just a bit paranoid or perhaps you just get the vibe that she doesn't like you or you irritate her. Don't give it any more thought just be happy in yourself.

Danniboo

OP,

The way you say oh I would never comment on anyones weight, what if someone said you lost weight is that acceptable? Also, have you lost a great deal of weight recently? Not trying to be harsh, but you seem to be point blanking refusing to accept that maybe you have done something to upset this girl. For example you say "what I have done wrong, in her eyes". Unless you are genuinely willing to sit down and take on board what this girl has to say and willing to reciprocate then I think it's pointless. Not sure what the age groups involved are, but it all sounds a bit fickle to me as far as friendships are concerned. I've had friends for over 15 years and it's not all "you look great sweety, lets do lunch" etc. We openly say we annoy the hell out of each other some times, i've habits that drives them mad and vice versa. But we're open about it and come straight out and say it. If we have a problem its voiced, dealt with and then forgotten about. That's true friendship OP.

beagle001

Op never mind that friend they have issues with themselves and are clearly jealous of you and your looks.
If you have it flaunt it,not your problem if this friend cannot handlef the attention you get.
It's nice when people compliment you,enjoy this as it's not forever and forget about that begrudging friend.
I could tell you a few one liners to put her back in her box but what's the point you would be only joining her negative mentality.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

OP,

The way you say oh I would never comment on anyones weight, what if someone said you lost weight is that acceptable? Also, have you lost a great deal of weight recently? Not trying to be harsh, but you seem to be point blanking refusing to accept that maybe you have done something to upset this girl. For example you say "what I have done wrong, in her eyes". Unless you are genuinely willing to sit down and take on board what this girl has to say and willing to reciprocate then I think it's pointless. Not sure what the age groups involved are, but it all sounds a bit fickle to me as far as friendships are concerned. I've had friends for over 15 years and it's not all "you look great sweety, lets do lunch" etc. We openly say we annoy the hell out of each other some times, i've habits that drives them mad and vice versa. But we're open about it and come straight out and say it. If we have a problem its voiced, dealt with and then forgotten about. That's true friendship OP.

If I knew that someone would be happy that I commented on the fact that they have lost/put on weight, then sure. No, haven't lost weight. Have always had a small frame, which I am extremely insecure about, everyone that knows me knows this about me. I have made serious efforts in the past to put on weight but can't. I'm a size 8, not unhealthy, but would still prefer to be a bigger size, but that is just a side issue. I don't moan about it, but all my friends are aware of it. I think it is pretty heartless to comment on something that someone you are supposed to care about is extremely insecure about.
She is 30, I am 27. As I have said before, we aren't best friends, but we have shared a huge amount of life experiences with one another. My father died of cancer 4 years ago, her mother died the following year, and in that time, we helped each other enormously to come to terms with our losses. We certainly don't have the, "you look great sweety, lets do lunch", relationship that you have spoken about. My friendships are something I value and hold dear to me, and this is why I am so cut up about this. Every one of my friends is very vocal when they are upset or annoyed by one another, including me, as I have said. I don't think it is as easy, in some situations, to say "Hey ****, I'm annoyed with you, lets just sort it out." I have a feeling this is alot deeper than this, and am worried about her is all. For my own sanity, I have decided to stop thinking this one over until she approaches me, she obviously isn't ready.
Also, I'm certainly not claiming I am a saint and that I have not done anything in the past to upset her, and I certainly haven't refused this point blank as far as I am aware. What I am saying is that I have no idea of what I have done, nor do I expect you to guess. I was just unsure as to how I should approach the situation. Now I know, thanks to the replies.

I am a friend

I think you should ask her.

Danniboo

what should i do wrote: »

If I knew that someone would be happy that I commented on the fact that they have lost/put on weight, then sure. No, haven't lost weight. Have always had a small frame, which I am extremely insecure about, everyone that knows me knows this about me. I have made serious efforts in the past to put on weight but can't. I'm a size 8, not unhealthy, but would still prefer to be a bigger size, but that is just a side issue. I don't moan about it, but all my friends are aware of it. I think it is pretty heartless to comment on something that someone you are supposed to care about is extremely insecure about.
She is 30, I am 27. As I have said before, we aren't best friends, but we have shared a huge amount of life experiences with one another. My father died of cancer 4 years ago, her mother died the following year, and in that time, we helped each other enormously to come to terms with our losses. We certainly don't have the, "you look great sweety, lets do lunch", relationship that you have spoken about. My friendships are something I value and hold dear to me, and this is why I am so cut up about this. Every one of my friends is very vocal when they are upset or annoyed by one another, including me, as I have said. I don't think it is as easy, in some situations, to say "Hey ****, I'm annoyed with you, lets just sort it out." I have a feeling this is alot deeper than this, and am worried about her is all. For my own sanity, I have decided to stop thinking this one over until she approaches me, she obviously isn't ready.
Also, I'm certainly not claiming I am a saint and that I have not done anything in the past to upset her, and I certainly haven't refused this point blank as far as I am aware. What I am saying is that I have no idea of what I have done, nor do I expect you to guess. I was just unsure as to how I should approach the situation. Now I know, thanks to the replies.

Yeah it is pretty heartless, but there's plenty of people like that out there. Either have it out with her if the friendship means a lot to you or distance yourself from her.

ILikeBananas

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I always find it quite tiring and annoying when someone can't take a compliment. Like when your hair was complimented and you said "ah I just threw it up" or when your dress was complimented "ah this old thing". That annoys the cr*p outta me, it always sounds like the person is looking for more compliments through reassurance. Could it be that maybe? Just looking at it from another persective, I really do find it irritating when a person can't just say "thanks" when complimented. Other than that I can't really see a reason for her to annoyed.

Best of luck.

Irish people, in general, are terrible at receiving compliments.

rebel10

ILikeBananas wrote: »

Irish people, in general, are terrible at receiving compliments.

+1. I think its because we are so quick to judge and begrudge others. People here are so self aware, to the point where they are almost afraid of being labelled as confident!