Marraige Problems

LegacyUser

I don't know what to do, I am recently married and i am not sure I made the right decision. We have a child together and are together a long time but ately it is like all I can see are his flws, he is very negative, he has put on weight has some gross personal habits etc. These things never used to bother me but I am finding it hard to get past them, our sex life is infrequent because i just don't want to sleep with him.
I find our relationship unequal, I do all the housework/cooking, he does very little. He goes out with friends and gets incredibly drunk and then dies all the next day.
I did want to ttc but he keeps putting it off even though he knew how much I wanted another child, it is like he gets the final say on everything, however if you were to ask him he would say differently. I feel like I am not enough and I wonder how on earth we got to this stage, married with a kid and a mortgage. I don't know what to do, he is currently really annoyed with me because it has been over a week since we have slept together and I have turned him down twice, I dread it now as I feel like I just have to do it to keep the peace. My life has fallen apart a bit lately and I am so unsure of all of my feelings that I don't know if I am being unreasonable or he is. I don't know what to do or even how to approach him. Am so tired of feeling like this and just want some time out on my own, does anyone have any advice?

coolcat63

Why on earth are you trying for another child with a man you don't want to be with? Please think before bringing another baby into (what is likely to be) a broken relationship...

LegacyUser

I am the op, I know what you think but this relationship used to be good and it was in the good times that I wanted to ttc, I think you will see I used the past tense. I am just very confused at the moment so being able to post here is an outlet and hopefully someone can give a little advice.

dr.bollocko

As it stands you have decided to share your life and raise a child with this man. It would be unfair to you to remain in a situation where you are clearly so unhappy.

It would be unfair on him, however, to keep this to yourself and let these feelings fester. If he loves you he should want to please you and vice versa. It is only through an open dialogue with him that you can improve things.

By all means writing down your thoughts on here is going to be beneficial in realising how you feel. However the next step is to explain this to him in as calm and caring a manner as you can muster and give him a chance to realise how his behaviour makes you feel and change it.

Delancey

Sorry but I must ask : What does ttc refer to

Silverfish

Trying to conceive, I would assume.

OP, please can you avoid using abbreviations like this, it makes it harder for people to give you advice to help. Thank you.

Neyite

Delancey wrote: »

Sorry but I must ask : What does ttc refer to

short for trying to concieve.

maxwell smart

Op

How long have you felt like this. Do you think he could change his ways if you gave him a "heads up" as it were?

You say your life has fallen apart recently, is this separate to you relationship issues? Could they be affecting your judgement.

Only you can decide if its worth telling him what you feel and how he needs to change to make it work. Give him the chance at least. Lots of people never get the chance to change.

LegacyUser

maxwell smart wrote: »

Op

How long have you felt like this. Do you think he could change his ways if you gave him a "heads up" as it were?

You say your life has fallen apart recently, is this separate to you relationship issues? Could they be affecting your judgement.

Only you can decide if its worth telling him what you feel and how he needs to change to make it work. Give him the chance at least. Lots of people never get the chance to change.

I have felt like this on and off for a while now. I am going to sit him down for a chat tomorrow evening, I am also going to chat to a counsellor about other issues today. I just feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and feel unable to make decisions about anything. Thanks for your feedback, apologies for the abbreviation and just to be clear, a new baby is not on the horizon now.

Miss Fluff

Have you actually tried talking to him about how you are feeling?

prinz

Marraigeissues wrote: »

I don't know what to do, I am recently married and i am not sure I made the right decision. We have a child together and are together a long time but ately it is like all I can see are his flaws..

I'd say that of you are only recently married it's only natural that your mind starts playing tricks to some degree and that you start paying attention to the little things that went unnoticed before. After any major reevaluation of your relationship or status I think it's natural that you, for a period anyway, start looking at each in a new, different, slightly more cynical light. You say you've been together a long time, but it's only after your recent marriage that you see the flaws more and more. Just sounds like the rose tinted specs have slipped slightly. Are you/were you nervous of getting married before hand? Averse to commitment?

Marraigeissues wrote: »

he is very negative, he has put on weight has some gross personal habits etc. These things never used to bother me but I am finding it hard to get past them, our sex life is infrequent because i just don't want to sleep with him...

Two issues here. Firstly he shouldn't be 'gross'. However you say you are only recently focusing on these flaws. Have they always been there? Have you discussed them with him before? What do you think has changed that stops you from over-looking these things like you did in the past?

Secondly while you might not feel like sleeping with him, withholding sex and intimacy from your husband might actually be affecting him and making his negativity and personal habits worse.

Marraigeissues wrote: »

I find our relationship unequal, I do all the housework/cooking, he does very little. He goes out with friends and gets incredibly drunk and then dies all the next day.

No offence, but did this not come up before you got married? He sounds immature tbh. Both of you should be shouldering a load. Have you discussed these problems with him.

Marraigeissues wrote: »

I did want to ttc but he keeps putting it off even though he knew how much I wanted another child, it is like he gets the final say on everything, however if you were to ask him he would say differently..

A second child isn't going to improve matters any more than the first one did.

Marraigeissues wrote: »

I feel like I am not enough and I wonder how on earth we got to this stage, married with a kid and a mortgage...

You, and he, made it get to this stage. It's didn't 'just happen'. It's not fate. You both built the foundations your relationship is on now.

Marraigeissues wrote: »

I don't know what to do, he is currently really annoyed with me because it has been over a week since we have slept together and I have turned him down twice, I dread it now as I feel like I just have to do it to keep the peace.

Really annoyed because he hasn't had sex in a week? Perhaps he needs to get over himself slightly but at the same time you turning down sex to get back at him is a part of the vicious downward spiral.

Marraigeissues wrote: »

My life has fallen apart a bit lately and I am so unsure of all of my feelings that I don't know if I am being unreasonable or he is. I don't know what to do or even how to approach him. Am so tired of feeling like this and just want some time out on my own, does anyone have any advice?

Tbh it sounds like you are both going through a tough time. He seems to be acting like a spoiled kid, then you get angry and resentful, and round and round it goes.

Advice is this, if you want things to improve you have to approach him. Try to communicate. If that doesn't work consider an outside counselling service. Remember though that marriage doesn't just require hardwork when things are rubbish and falling to pieces. Marriage/a child is not supposed to work like superglue on your relationship and then you can both go back to how it was before and everything will be great. The flaws you have mentioned were there before. They should have been dealt with before, but it's not too late. A successful relationship takes a lot of work and effort from both sides, and not just when times are tought but also when they are good.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the candid response, I really do not know how we got here. He is just gone out the door after another row, I am currently looking for work and am finding a good job hard to find, we started rowing about it and he told me to go F off after I told him to stop speaking to me like I am a fool. I give up, he can be so lovely but has a short temper and will easily tell me to F off or to go F myself, I just cannot keep fighting with him all the time. I certainly am not happy at the moment however I am in such a muddle I don't know how to take on trying to fix this. The counsellor has suggested bringing him in for a session in a few weeks which i will do, in the meantime I feel like I need a break from him. Am going to talk to him tonight and move into the spare room for a bit, I need some space to think.

Boskowski

Well for starters, row or no row, that is no way to speak to your partner. I can't say it has never happened ever between my gf and myself but once a row reached the stage where 'f urself' was said we both felt horrible. Thankfully this hasn't happened in years.
This has to stop. If there is this little respect permanently and either you or him or even both of you don't feel terrible about it, it doesn't look good.