Not up to bf's mom's standards

LegacyUser

I'm feeling rather depressed about my boyfriend's mom- I did everything I could to make a good impression on her, and personality-wise we seem to get along great, but she is constantly making statements about how pretty the local girls are (I'm not living in Ireland at the moment, and my boyfriend and his mom are natives of this country) and in particular how gorgeous their figures are. We go to the beach together (just me and her) while my boyfriend is at work, and she keeps loudly admiring them when she's around me, and boasting about how men come from all kinds of countries to marry one. And it's true- the vast majority are impossibly thin with fantastic figures.

I just feel so depressed and bad about myself, and really feel like I'm not meeting her expectations at all. She's told me that her daughter (who is much thinner than me) needs to lose weight, and I am starting to feel like she doesn't think that I deserve her son. When my boyfriend and I got dressed up for my birthday, she took a photo and spent ages telling him how handsome he looked without ever saying anything at all to me (I know he's her son, but I was just kinda standing there feeling awkward). At one point she told me that you can't decide who your children choose, and that if that's who they want, that's who they want, and I just feel so dejected. Like a runners-up prize.

What should I do?

Big Bag of Chips

What should you do? Ignore her.

Really.

Your only other option is to stand up for yourself against her, but I don't really know what you could even say to someone so shallow and obsessed with appearance.

Ignore her, and stop putting yourself in her company so much. Limit your time with her and you will limit the amount of upsetting things she can say to you.

x Purple Pawprints x

I agree with Big Bag of Chips, you should ignore her and try to reduce the amount of time you spend with her.

shannie

Honestly, there's two people in a relationship and his mom is not one of them. If she's putting you down then limit the time you spend with her as much as possible. I also higly recommend saying it to your boyfriend, just bring it up mid conversation maybe say something like "yours moms always admiring other girls, i think she would like for you to get a new girlfriend" and just see what he says.. dont sound to upset but at least get the point across

Sleepy

Loving her son does not mean you have to love her.

Wompa1

Where is this amazing place where the women are unbelievable?

Maybe she's got some axe to grind with Irish people...I've travelled quite a bit for work over the last few years and was suprised at some of the opinions on Irish people.

Taltos

Another way to look at this is that no-one will be good enough for her son. It doesn't really matter that you are Irish - all that matters to her is that you are not one of her hand-picked local girls.
Who knows maybe this is just her way of being racist and letting you know she considers no-one from outside her area/country to be good enough for her little boy.

However - at the end of the day - what does it really matter what she thinks. The big thing is here that her son chose you. The best thing you can do is just to ignore her and to show that her comments are just water off a ducks back. She is being childish so react as you would to a child seeking attention - ignore them....

LegacyUser

Many thanks for all the advice!

Ignoring her isn't really an option ATM since I'm living in their home and because her son is at work for a lot of the day, and sometimes at nights, it's just me and her alone together :S

I don't think she has something against Irish people in general- I'm the first Irish person she's ever met. But she definitely thinks that Russian women are much more attractive overall. Which is true overall, but it's hardly pleasant for me to hear all the time. It's almost always weight related, and at size 8/10 I would be chubbier than the national standards for girls my age (20) here.

I'm worried about mentioning it to my bf, as in the past whenever anyone in his family has acted any bit inappropriately to me or said anything, he's gone way over the top in his reaction towards them and caused even more problems. Thing is, I'm not even sure if she realises she's doing it, or is just venting her personal disappointment with the situation and I just happen to be the only one there for her to say it to.

This may have something to do with her lack of a husband- she's really dependent on her oldest son, and knows that when he finishes there, he will leave to come back with me, and she's not impressed. Although there's still a sense of "you're leaving me... for that?"

Wompa1

Dejected wrote: »

Many thanks for all the advice!

Ignoring her isn't really an option ATM since I'm living in their home and because her son is at work for a lot of the day, and sometimes at nights, it's just me and her alone together :S

I don't think she has something against Irish people in general- I'm the first Irish person she's ever met. But she definitely thinks that Russian women are much more attractive overall. Which is true overall, but it's hardly pleasant for me to hear all the time. It's almost always weight related, and at size 8/10 I would be chubbier than the national standards for girls my age (20) here.

I'm worried about mentioning it to my bf, as in the past whenever anyone in his family has acted any bit inappropriately to me or said anything, he's gone way over the top in his reaction towards them and caused even more problems. Thing is, I'm not even sure if she realises she's doing it, or is just venting her personal disappointment with the situation and I just happen to be the only one there for her to say it to.

This may have something to do with her lack of a husband- she's really dependent on her oldest son, and knows that when he finishes there, he will leave to come back with me, and she's not impressed. Although there's still a sense of "you're leaving me... for that?"

Can you get up and move out with or without your b/f?

Big Bag of Chips

It is possible she doesn't realise what she is saying is affecting you that badly.

Next time she comments about how gorgeous they are, just say "yeah, us Irish are SO ugly." If she doesn't react to that then you just have to accept that she has no cop on. Then you can silently laugh to yourself whenever she says something.

Any chance of moving out, as Wompa suggested?

Pebbles68

I lived in the south of France for 5 years and i know how obsessed the locals were about their figures. Anything bigger than a size 8 was considered obese. I was considered huge as a size 12. I suspect your bf's mother is from a similar culture and has spent her whole life like this. I'd laugh it off with a reply such as "isn't it lucky for me that (boyfriend) likes big boobs". That should shut her up. And if it doesn't, stop going to the beach with her.

LegacyUser

I wish I could move out, but funds are very low :S I guess it's best to see this as a non-permanent situation, but still- I don't like the idea of having this kind of behaviour going on between us.

I really like that suggestion Bag Of Chips :P It might be the best way of making her realise what she's saying is wrong without it being a big deal

Many thanks!