Relationship with a previously abused partner

madmac187

Hi all, I'm an Irish guy living in Australia and have been seeing a girl now for the last 2 months. I really like her perhaps and more to be honest. We are having some problems. She is having difficulty letting her guard down. She is afraid of being hurt again as had been hurt badly in a previous relationships, physical and sexual abuse from both ex partner and step father.

We have talked tried to talk about it but it only happens right after a fight about something. The problem is that because every man in her life whether it be a partner or father figure has hurt her so badly she finds it difficult to drop her guard. She does have really good days and bad ones too. It's like torture to me to see her so unhappy and I hate it so much, because it makes me cry at times too. I just can't understand how someone can hurt someone you are meant to love like that.

We haven't had sex yet because she wanted to leave it off for a bit, then out the blue when I was incredible hurt after a fall. Since then I have tried, but she never wanted to. I'm not putting any pressure on her about it either because it will come when it comes.

She has a daughter from a relationship. I have met her and spent time with her on a regular basis, the three of us and I really like that and so do they.

Friends have told me to let it go because it's too much hassle and all that, but I really enjoy being around her, think about her when shes not with me and wait to hear from her in the mornings when I'm getting up. I really like spending time with her daughter aswell, it doesn't bother me at all, as it may bother others.

Has anyone any advice that you can give me on how I can help her deal with the problems highlighted. Is it just a case of be there when she needs me or how do I help her?

Ickle Magoo

I'm not sure you can really do anything other than be patient and understanding...but she also has to want to solve the issues she has around relationships for herself. Would she consider counselling or speaking to a support group about her experiences?

I appreciate you really like her and want to do the right thing - but that has to go both ways for a relationship to work...and if there are issues from her past causing problems for your relationship already, then she really needs to deal with them in order to move on.

All the best you. :cool:

LegacyUser

Obviously you know this girl and can read all the real-life cues that we can't over here on the internet. But here's my 2 cents.
You present this girl as someone who has been very abused and is vulnerable. I'm sure she is, but:

When someone is very guarded and slow to commit, they may just be slow to commit to YOU. There is a dialogue that goes like 'I don't want to be hurt again so you have to stay right where I want you until I'm ready.' That can be genuine or convenient.

Oprah culture gives us all a great get-out clause.

Also, be aware of your own motives. Alot of people all 'fixers'. For men in particular, being 'the knight in shining armor' to the vulnerable woman is a very instinctive role. But not all women are really that vulnerable (even if they believe themselves to be) and if she is that vulnerable, treating her like she's made of glass might not necessarily be what she really needs. And being the knight in shining armour for someone else is a great way to avoid your own issues with your own life. It's also a great way to not get your own needs met.

It sounds like this woman very much sees herself as a victim. Are you sure this is the kind of woman you want to get involved with? A lot of people suffer abuse. But is she letting the abuse define her? Why is it that every man she's been involved with has abused her? Because the odds of meeting all these abusers are not that high. Now she may be genuinely unlucky, or may have been repeatedly playing out a dynamic learned from childhood with one partner after another. Some victims seek new abusers and others create them. To your knowledge, has she addressed these issues? Or identified them?

You seem to be prepared to take on quite a lot here. But the relationships that work tend to be equal partnerships. Of course, 2 months is very early to judge and you're obviously falling in love here. I would say be careful that your needs are getting met - that's your responsibility, and right now, it's your only responsibility.
You ask: should you try to help or be there when she needs you? I would say be there when she needs you. And try to not do too much running. Most people, no matter what damage they've seen in their past, are capable of making a healthy choice for their own future if it's on offer - and if they can earn it rather than it being too easily available. If she's not meeting you half way within a few weeks, take a step back, because otherwise you could be setting up an unhealthy dynamic for your own relationship with her where you do all the work and she gets to play victim while you get to be victim.

Also she will have more confidence in you if you're clear on your own needs and boundaries. In fact, try to meet her like an equal, the same as you would anyone else.

BTW I'm speaking as a woman who has given a fair few knights in shining armour the runaround while untangling my own messy head. :-)

Best of luck.

madmac187

We have had a few barneys about things and little things and one in particular major thing. I think it's worth sticking it out. As previous poster mentioned, I am falling in love with her and I am very mindful of my needs as the girl I'm seeing has noticed of late because she has changed in terms of showing affection and saying how she feels. Myself, I don't think of me being a knight in shining armour, have to have confidence in myself and love for myself for that, something I don't, something also the girl I'm seeing has noticed about me and said it to me. But thats one of my own things that I deal with in my own way.

I have been with some really nice people in my life and some terrible ones aswell but I think that I have learned myself and I have grown from that, to accept things in relationships. The sex part 2 years ago would have been a deal breaker for me. Now, I just really enjoy her company and really love being around her and it doesn't matter doing what. I know i sound like a sap but thats it. I know she is very slow to open up to me. She is afraid that I will finish it or get sick of her, as she said to me, but my only reply to her is that I am happy with her because she makes me happy, thats it, nothing more nothing less.

Her friend is staying with her for a bit and is leaving soon. In the last 2 weeks we haven't spent that much time with each other, I have branched out a bit and hung out with people from work and that and some of my roommates friends. (Something that got me in a bit of trouble because her boss saw me with another girl talking and naturally thought the worst and said it to her and had to explain myself) Other than that all is good, well I think so anyway.