How do you actually "get over" someone?

LegacyUser

Am begining to think that I have a real problem here....... 15 (yes 15) years ago I met the most fantastic man in the whole world.

If you asked me why he was so fantastic, I dont think I could give a definative answer... but to me he was (and still is) everything.

We went out with each other on and off for 4 years (more off than on tbh). He worked abroad a lot and for personal reasons I could never go with him.

In 2000, we finally spoke and agreed that we should both move on with our lives because the distance was just too great and there was no future in the odd phonecall and visit.

So we both moved on, both met other people and settled down. He travelled the world drifting from one relationship to the next and I met somebody, settled down and had a child.

he was never far from my mind.... I found myself thinking about him more and more as the years went by.

Anyway after a miserable couple of years I left my childs father and started to reconnect with old friends (something which I had lost over the years). Within a couple of weeks I found my old flame on facebook and we have been great friends ever since. We chat a lot and have met a few times over the past 2 years.

The feelings I had 15 years ago are still the same. I can honestly hand on heart say that I have never loved anyone like I love him -- but I cant tell him this as we are friends now and i cant ruin that.

But he still lives abroad and has been offered a fantastic job in Australia. I know that the world is a much smaller place now, but Australia is so final.... its just too far, and I know that I need to to let him go and let me move on, but I cant find the feelings to do that. 15 years is such a long time to feel the way I do. For my own sanity I need to get closure, I need him to walk away and never contact me again but it breaks my heart to even contemplate that. I tried it, it doesnt work

Please, how do I get over him

regress

Cut contact

Ande1975

regress wrote: »

Cut contact

That's a bit much....

OP a few questions. Is he far from you now? Is he with someone?
If he's not with someone why not tell him how you feel?
Have you seen him in person since?
I think you need to find out if your feelings are reciprocated before letting him head off.
You have nothing to lose...
Don't regret what you do, regret what you don't do...

Ham Sambo

Send him a copy of the your post that you written in here and see what happens. That way you will know for sure.

tawnyowl

Ande1975 wrote: »

That's a bit much....

OP a few questions. Is he far from you now? Is he with someone?
If he's not with someone why not tell him how you feel?
Have you seen him in person since?
I think you need to find out if your feelings are reciprocated before letting him head off.
You have nothing to lose...
Don't regret what you do, regret what you don't do...

The OP has already asked how to get over him. Sadly, I think cutting contact, either gradually or quickly, is the way to do it.

Firetrap

I think his going to Australia is bothering you because it's a prick to the unreality bubble you've encased yourself in and you know it's a turning point. You'll not be able to contact him the way you were because of the time difference. So against your will, you'll be slowly weaned off him. You'll not be hearing from him so often so hopefully that will cause him to drift away a bit in your head.

I am a friend

How do you get over him? You make a conscious decision to do so. Up to
Now you have chosen to hang on to him in any manner possible and this has stopped you moving on. You need to stop contacting him and recognise that life is keeping you on different paths. The only one you are hurting by this self imposed misery is yourself.

Humria

Our memories can be notoriously unreliable and I think you have built up this fantasy of the guy. My guess would be it's been a coping mechanism for you. The relationship you have described does not sound stable and is it possible you are viewing it (and him) with rose tinted glasses? I agree with some of the other posters- let go of him. I would hazard a guess that no one, not even the man himself, would match-up to the image you have crafted in your mind. It's only when you let go of the fantasy that you will create the space to met a real, genuine partner.

LegacyUser

First off, can you talk plainly to him? He's going to Australia, the links to your life and circle are not that close. You could have 'the chat' and not have to see him ever again if it was humiliating.
But, when you think of having the chat, does it feel cringey or inappropriate? If it does, then this could be a clue that the signals he is sending out are not intimate ones.

Stranger things have happened than a pair of exes getting back together. You did have a relationship, even if it wasn't stable. But the fact that in all those years he hasn't really settled with anyone would suggest that he's not the settling type. Also, it doesn't matter what personal qualities he that make him wonderful if he's not prepared to build a life with you. He may be hot, but there are many different kinds of hotness, not just one guy on one pedastal. Maybe you're blind to some other men because of him.

There's no point anyone here saying time heals in this case cause time hasn't healed. You need to have faith that there is someone out there who will be mad about you and make this guy look... wishy washy? Cause that's what longterm non-committal types sometimes are.
Unfortunately you are still single, but that can change at any time and the solution is probably in your future, not your past. So you need to keep working on that future i.e. meeting new people. Some real love would probably make you forget him pretty fast.

But maybe it's worth a shot? There's nothing wrong with asking for what you want. Just keep it brief and dignified.

niallers1

The best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else..

Kadongy

It sounds a lot more like infatuation than love.
To get over him you need to realise this and cop on.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I honestly don't think you can be in real and true love. It just wouldn't make any sense, unless he has a time machine he's not the guy you went out with anymore as we all change as we get older. So you're basically in love and pining for a fantasy. Going from your post you really should be old enough to not engage in that kind of nonsense, you're wrecking your own head. He's been travelling the world and never managed to settle, that is not someone you want to be in a relationship with, especially when you have a child. So yeah not to be harsh but you need to wake up and cop on and stop putting this guy that you really don't know on a pedastal because if you don't you're going to miss out on the right guy when he comes along. There's a book that Sunflower (another poster) always recommends for woman who continuously fall for emotionally unavailable men, I'd say if you look through some other posts you'll see her refer to it, I think it's called "women that love too much" but by all accounts I think it would be useful in your situation.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks to everyone who posted. I know all these answers before I wrote the question but I guess I was just looking for someone to say that I was right, that it was real and not to give up - but realistically I know that will never happen.

I think I will keep away when he comes home in a few weeks because its not going to do me any good. I need closure on this and he is not going to give it to me so I have to give it to myself. By seeing him then, I am only dragging it out further and letting these feelings stay. He isnt the settling type and I cant be the travelling type so I guess I have to cop myself on and remember that.

Thanks for all your views, it has helped me to realise I have to close this chapter. Its sad its really is, but I cant move on unless I do this now.

Thank you all

I am a friend

OP the important thing to remember is that you cant move on and meeting someone new while you are looking backwards... A clean cut will leave you open to meet someone who is the settling kind... Best of luck

Taltos

Niallers1 - that response is not appropriate for this forum.

If you have not already done so please review our charter and ensure future replies are constructive and mature.

Taltos

Jess16

I don't think chats, meet-ups and an intermittent relationship with someone that spans 15 years is infatuation at all. Infatuation would imply that your feelings are based on nothing but they clearly have some substance behind them.

There is a lot of uncertainty within the relationship or lack of that you have with this man and understandably that's what's confusing you. However, what you do know is that being with you isn't a priority for him, never has been and therefore probably never will be and for me, knowing that would be confirmation enough for moving on.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, if you really want to get over him then you need to cut contact, but you already know that and have probably known it for years.

That being said, if I were in your position I'd have to talk to him about how i felt. You say he'll always travel etc but until you sit down and talk to him you'll never know.