Who am I?

klay100

Hey Guys,
So recently I broke up with my girlfriend of a couple of years because I was cheating on her with a guy. I felt it was the right thing to do by telling her eventhough I probably should have told her a few years ago that I was also attracted to guys. Just to add to the complication we are also a million miles from home having spent the last while travelling around the world together and setting up house at the other side of the world.
After I told her, I moved out the next day and not having many people to call on, I ended up moving in with the guy I had been cheating on her with, which in hindsight I probably should'nt have done, so soon but at the time I (unreasonably) felt like I didnt have any other option. I needed comfort and was feeling well down about life and didnt want to be on my own.
I did go see a couple of rooms for myself afterwards but on entering them I got a huge fit of nerves and felt like getting sick in their front rooms so I hastily made a retreat.
At the moment Im still living with my bf who is a really great guy and have stopped looking for alternative accomodation.
I told my parents about what I had done and was told initially that I wasnt welcome at home anymore, and they were none too supportive.
At the moment I find my moods and thoughts changing rapidly, sometimes I'm real happy with my new bf and at other times I feel real bad about cheating on my ex, and wanting to get back with her, have a normal life,buy a house,mortgage,dog,kids etc. although this probably isn't really any option anymore after what I've done.
It seems like everyday I have an alternative desire.Am I gay or bi or str8 or just curious and confuse? How can I figure out who I am or what I want for definite? Now Im afraid that I may again hurt people that are close to me, If I dont figure this out. Will I forever be in this place of emotional turmoil? Will I forever think that the grass is greener at the other side? Will I ever be happy with what Ive got and always want what I cant have?
Ive chatted with guys at gay bars and clubs and have heard of guys who are married with kids etc. who still hook with guys from time to time....I really dont want to be one of these guys, eventhough they have the best of both worlds,to me it just seems wrong and I've learnt my lesson about cheating.
I miss my ex a lot and think about her everyday, I know shes going through hell right now too as the guy who was meant to be there for her has let her down and betrayed her.I feel real guilty sometimes when I go places with my bf because I feel I should be there with her.
Although theres probably no chance of reconciliation I still hold out a little hope (I'm probably a little delusional).
How can I figure out what I want and how to be happy without hurting anyone else?

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
I'd appreciate anyones comments and advice.

checkcheek

klay100 wrote: »

have a normal life,buy a house,mortgage,dog,kids etc. although this probably isn't really any option anymore after what I've done.

Hate to break it too you but you can still have a mortage( )

You can still buy a house

You can still have a dog

and still have kids

& have a normal life.

Being gay straight or bisexual or transgender or whatever you are doesnt stop you from doing any of those things. Look on the bright side.

Life is way way way too short to be worry about anything. If your happy with a man then your happy with a man, if your happy with a woman your happy with a woman.

Just think positive and keep going, cause time aint gonna stop and everyone will just motor on.

Sorry if it all seems negetive or mean, but its just a bit to think about:):):)

Aard

klay100 wrote: »

[...]
Ive chatted with guys at gay bars and clubs and have heard of guys who are married with kids etc. who still hook with guys from time to time....I really dont want to be one of these guys, eventhough they have the best of both worlds, [...]

And the worst of both worlds too fwiw.

klay100

wrote:

Life is way way way too short to be worry about anything. If your happy with a man then your happy with a man, if your happy with a woman your happy with a woman.

Just think positive and keep going, cause time aint gonna stop and everyone will just motor on.

Sorry if it all seems negetive or mean, but its just a bit to think about:):):)

Okay I get you on the whole try to be positive thing. Easier said than done at the moment mind.

I am happy with my man but at the same time I wonder what if I would be happier with a girl, although conversely when I was with my gf I would wonder would I be happier with a man.

Why cant I just be happy with what I have?
Does anyone else ever feel like that?
Can I just take some wonder drug that makes me stop wondering?
hmmmm

dreamer_ire

No wonder drug, but you could take some time away from both of them and get some clear head time. It's amazing what being on your own allows you to understand.

Without seeming harsh though you do need to make a decision one way or the other... it's not fair on your current partner. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you knew he was thinking about his ex, and often wondering whether he would be happier with him/her?

klay100

No wonder drug, but you could take some time away from both of them and get some clear head time. It's amazing what being on your own allows you to understand.

Yea that could seem like a good idea, but Im afraid to do it. Im not sure why though.Im stubborn and maybe im trying to prove a point. Maybe its because Im afraid I'll miss him too much, maybe its coz I don't want to have to go through another breakup again so soon, maybe its coz I'm afraid of being lonely and on my own.I do love him and would do anything for him, its just occasionally I get this feeling of guilt and misery when I think about my ex and think that I want to make it all better.

Without seeming harsh though you do need to make a decision one way or the other... it's not fair on your current partner. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you knew he was thinking about his ex, and often wondering whether he would be happier with him/her?

Im pretty sure he does think about his ex's. He seems to have quiet a few,many of whom are still friends and I've meet some of them. I initially did feel jealous but I guess I got over it. Everyones got a past.

Klingon Hamlet

Who do you love more? Forget their genders/sexualities? Which one are you madly in love with? Stay with that person.

klay100

Who do you love more?

How do you measure love?
Don't really have the option to choose anymore. Would you get back with someone who cheated on you?
Is it possible to love two people at the same time of different gender?

checkcheek

I think its a case of always thinking the "grass is greener on the other side".




I know its easier said then done to think positive but keep thinking negetive and thats all that will happen

DubArk

You come across as someone who is very young and (please don’t take offence) immature, at this very juncture in your life.
I don’t know how you could even conceive that you could go back to your ex, having cheated on her with this guy! I don’t think you love either of these people and it’s a case of; if you were with her it would seem to be convenient and you’d FIT IN. Been with him is the sexual rush and the rebel in you.
Neither of these people should be your partner. You need to find yourself and answer your own question first before you can bring anything concrete into a serious loving relationship!! Till then I would move out and find you own place and independence.
That is when you will find out “Who am I?”

klay100

DubArk wrote: »

You come across as someone who is very young and (please don’t take offence) immature, at this very juncture in your life.
I don’t know how you could even conceive that you could go back to your ex, having cheated on her with this guy! I don’t think you love either of these people and it’s a case of; if you were with her it would seem to be convenient and you’d FIT IN. Been with him is the sexual rush and the rebel in you.
Neither of these people should be your partner. You need to find yourself and answer your own question first before you can bring anything concrete into a serious loving relationship!! Till then I would move out and find you own place and independence.
That is when you will find out “Who am I?”

Im not that young,wish I was, I'll be hitting 30 soon enough. Debatable whether or not im immature. Realistically I know that I cant get back with my ex but sometimes I wonder if I put in a lot of effort maybe we could get back together, deluded I know but its one of "what ifs" going on in my head. It probably is about convenience and fitting in,back to my "normal" life so to speak.

If I was on own how would I go about "finding myself"?. As it stands when Im on my own I just feel depressed, thinking about things too much. As most of my friends were both mine and my ex's friend I've kind of being putting distance between myself and them as I'm sure they don't hold me in high regard after what I've done, so I kinda feel like I don't have too many people to talk to about it.

I know in my head that I should move out for a while until I get my head sorted out but I cant bring myself to do it, fear of missing my bf, fear of moving into a house with strangers who may or may not be tolerant of gay/bi/confused people. I think I'd probably just lock myself into my room and possibly fall into a deep depressing hole.

On a further note I spent the whole day in the country with my bf and had a great day with him. Not a bit relevant but Im just in the mood for sharing.

I really appreciate your responses,don't know why I cant/dont take peoples advice to move out on my own, but for me, somehow it doesnt seem like an option.

floggg

Well if you don't want to move out alone then maybe it's not the best option. You know yourself what you are alike alone and in company better than us.

What I would say is that I get the impression when you mention getting back with GF it's because of guilt and/or for reasons of convenience or fitting in, not because you truly love her.

Yet you have mentioned loving your bf a few times.

If that's the case, maybe you are just scared of what staying with the bf means. I don't think you have worked out that bit. I'd certainly rule out going through a phase if you say you are in love. Whether you are bi or gay I don't know.

What I do know is that I certainly go through phases of doubt and/or guilt about being gay myself. Sometimes I think am I making a mistake and would I not be happy with a wife and kids. I think it's just fear though. I know in my heart I'm gay.

I wouldn't feel too guilty about what happened with your gf. I don't know how long she over lapped with your bf, but it's a tough process for anybody to deal with. Ok, cheating was wrong, but I'm sure you didn't set out to hurt her and sexuality can be a very hard thing to come to terms with. You did the right thing by her in the end, even if others might not see it that way.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

DubArk

My partner had a GF before he met me, there may have been an overlap.
She (the GF) hated/hates the ground I walk on. He was very confused when we first met. She kept telling him; it was a phase he was going through and I wanted him to commit to been either Gay or Bi! In actual fact we (me and her) were just been assh*oles and just thinking of ourselves. We caused him awful distress and he was very vulnerable back then and very confused.
To this day I have never asked him again to choose or pigeon hole himself.
You don’t always have to put a name on it.

Beruthiel

klay100 wrote: »

If I was on own how would I go about "finding myself"?

When you are with another person, your time and mind can be taken up with that.
Alone, you have time to focus on yourself and how you would like to spend your time, and with whom.
You would eventually find things you like to do and happiness in that.
After a certain amount of time alone, you would realise that in order to be happy, you don't need a partner. That you can live alone quite well. That is a discovery in itself.
It can strengthen your character.
It can allow you to understand that feeling fear and conquering it, does not kill you. It makes you stronger.
Also, it can tend to help you come to terms with who you wish to be with in the future.

klay100

Beruthiel wrote: »

When you are with another person, your time and mind can be taken up with that.
Alone, you have time to focus on yourself and how you would like to spend your time, and with whom.
You would eventually find things you like to do and happiness in that.
After a certain amount of time alone, you would realise that in order to be happy, you don't need a partner. That you can live alone quite well. That is a discovery in itself.
It can strengthen your character.
It can allow you to understand that feeling fear and conquering it, does not kill you. It makes you stronger.
Also, it can tend to help you come to terms with who you wish to be with in the future.

That makes a lot of sense.Lots of food for thought.
Still have a fear of being miserable,lonely and depressed mind.
I think focusing on myself would/could drive me nuts though.
Maybe I am weak,what if I cant conquer that fear....
I'd love to say that Im going to take your advice but...............