Toxic relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm going unreg for this as I don't want to be recognised. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and we live together. I moved to a new town for a new job and I met him within a week. I had been single for a long time because of travelling etc (I'm 29) and had longed to meet someone and thought my prayers had been answered.
We moved in together after about 6 months, it's his house. He is in arrears in his mortgage and I was there most of the time so seemed logical but now I look back and it was too soon. He is the type of guy that gets so excited about something and it has to happen NOW.
I had some insecurity and jealousy issues that I have been to counselling to deal with. To be fair I am sure I wrecked his head at times but I have now dealt with them and still working on it every day. You see he was 2 years out of a 5 year relationship when I met him, he did a lot in those 2 years which he told me about i.e. being with 18 year olds (he's 35), threesomes, dating lots of women etc and it tormented me for ages.
Now that I have dealt with them he is angry with me for being able to get over it 'over night' as he says, it was far from that it took a lot of work on my part.
He says he is depressed but won't seek help. He has stomach problems and says it's my fault for causing him stress. He blames me for so much. I can't talk to him anymore, he shouts at me or over me. I seem to spend a lot of time crying. The closeness is gone, there's a distance between us. When he gets angry, I also believe he has anger issues, he calls me horrible things, fat, ugly, bitch, cnut....he apologises and says he didn't mean it but he was angry.
I do so much for him, cleaning, cooking, washing, lend him money if he needs it (I have a good job, he was unemployed for about 6months and just back working) but yet he'l focus on stuff I don't do.

My job is stressful and in the evening I'll come home and change into a hoodie or something but I dress well going to work and going out etc and I get attention from men. He'll say I'm slobby or whatever yet this man has put on 2 stone.

Last night I asked him for a kiss and he was eating a bowl of cereal, he sighed and said 'Jesus you pick your times'. It just seems like it is such an effort for him to be nice to me. He snaps at everyone by the way, when he's stresssed everyone knows about it.

I am an intelligent woman and if my friend came to me and told me I'd say get out but I love him. I know he can be so sweet and caring and he knows me like noone else does. I don't have the guts to leave but I'm so unhappy. He broke my phone during a fight and then went to smash his own phone but stopped and said he'll need it for ringing people for sex. I know if we broke up he'd be out that weekend with someone else while I'm in bed heartbroken. We've built a home in the house.

I'd miss him so much, thoughts of being without him hurt so much I can't breathe, I don't want to be without him or lonely. I'm nearly 30. It has taken me so long to find him but I don't want to be with someone cos I'm afraid I won't find anyone else.

My head is dizzy, I'm absolutely drained. How do you leave when you love someone? He blames for me everything, he says he loves me the same as always and more but resents me.

I have given up a lot for him but because I love him. I'd never begrudge him anything or resent him.

Please help. I'm crying as I write this. I'm absolutely devastated

BraziliaNZ

ok snap out of it and look at this objectively. It sounds like an absolute nightmare, maybe he's not that bad a guy but together you two are a total disaster. You just have to leave and accept that you can't be with him, stop all contact, and in time you'll move on and be able to look back and see how terrible it is. This is just not normal or in the least bit healthy. Wouldn't you agree?

Miss Fluff

Tiredandemotional wrote: »

I don't want to be without him or lonely. I'm nearly 30. It has taken me so long to find him but I don't want to be with someone cos I'm afraid I won't find anyone else.

But that is precisely why you're with him isn't it? It can't be because he is kind to you. Respects you. Shows you every day he loves you and how lucky he is to have you in his life is it? Because he doesn't actually do any of that does he?

From your post it's obvious that he doesn't really love in the way that he should - if he did he wouldn't abuse you and call you names and make you so unhappy.

Get out while you still can. I appreciate that he says he "loves" you but talk is so cheap, I always go by actions and this man has done nothing to demonstrate that he really cares. Arrange to get all your stuff together and move back home/in with some mates before looking for new accommodation and starting a new life. This man will only drag you down so get out now before you get in any deeper.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I get that you're scared of being alone and looking for someone new but in fairness that's no reason to stay with your BF. Your relationship sounds very very very unhealthy. Get your stuff together and leave, it's unsalvagable at this stage. Gather whatever self respect and dignity you have left and get out of that nightmare.

Best of luck.

seenitall

Hi OP,

you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Once you recognise this truth instead of trying to dodge it in the name of love, all the good stuff will follow from that acknowledgment.

The sad part is, though, that, judging by your post, it may take a long long while for you to get there, and there will be lots more loneliness, unhappiness and heartache on the way. 'Tis a life of an enabler.

I really hope that you wake up to the reality of your life before it completely consumes you and leaves you unable to get away from it.

The best of luck to you.

thefeatheredcat

Tiredandemotional wrote: »

Now that I have dealt with them he is angry with me for being able to get over it 'over night' as he says, it was far from that it took a lot of work on my part.
He says he is depressed but won't seek help. He has stomach problems and says it's my fault for causing him stress. He blames me for so much. I can't talk to him anymore, he shouts at me or over me. I seem to spend a lot of time crying. The closeness is gone, there's a distance between us. When he gets angry, I also believe he has anger issues, he calls me horrible things, fat, ugly, bitch, cnut....he apologises and says he didn't mean it but he was angry.
I do so much for him, cleaning, cooking, washing, lend him money if he needs it (I have a good job, he was unemployed for about 6months and just back working) but yet he'l focus on stuff I don't do.

OP, Re-read what you posted, just this block.

Ask yourself what do you think about what you wrote and what does that describe to you?

He is taking out everything on you. you are his punchbag for everything that is wrong with his life. He started by making you unhappy with you being fully aware of his single time and it made you insecure. It gave you issues. 1 point to him, 0 point to you. But you did the right thing, dealt with them. 1 point to you. Even score. Then you get through them, worked through them 1 point to him, 2 points for you. Can you see where I am going with this?

You have gotten yourself to a point of success....and you would be happy, with a high self esteem, high self-worth, with optimism, with great goals in life, ambition and indeed you are a success in what you have achieved for yourself.

Every effort that you have made for yourself, makes you stronger. and he is not willing to have that happen, as much as your post describes, of someone who sounds like they are deeply bitter within themselves, jealous of the fact that you have resolved your issues, and will do anything to make you feel bad about yourself.

Nothing that you have described is your fault. The fault, if you like, lies with your boyfriend, with his attitude, with his behaviour, with his verbal abuse towards you...

You may very well love him, nobody can question your love towards him. But his actions are not loving actions, his words are not loving words.

You deserve better OP, you really do. I'm the same age as you, and I wouldn't settle for a toxic relationship and I'm not worried about being alone or lonely. I'm always told "I'm young, you have plenty of time" by older people, and yes that is true. So why should you settle? Why should you settle for someone who is adamant about not getting help for themselves, and only seeks to take out their own unhappiness on you, someone who loves them?

If you stay with him, long term, and accept his behaviour under the guise of love, whatever self-worth and self-esteem you have will only be a shadow of what you started out with. Ask yourself, is it worth trading in my self esteem, my self worth, my happiness, for someone like this?

Kadongy

He doesn't care about you. He abuses you. Time, energy, emotion you put into him and the relationship are all a waste. You recognise this already I think, but are so drained you feel unable to really face it.

Exercise self-respect and leave him, and cut him away completely. It is not as hard as it seems. It is the realtionship that makes you feel unable.

neuro-praxis

Just another point to add to the already very good advice here - physically abusive partners usually begin with both emotional abuse and the smashing of personal items. The next step is, if he hasn't already done this, physical abuse of you.

I would get out before you become even more trapped.

You can definitely be happy on your own and you can definitely meet someone else. Your relationship sounds like a nightmare.

Firetrap

The one that leapt outstanding me from the screen was desperation. You had and have a terror of being left on the shelf. Sunflower came up with a good word. Clutched. This guy came along, you thought he was an escape from the horror that is spinsterhood and you latched onto him.

There is nothing healthy about your relationship. He is abusive to you, plain and simple, and you're accepting it because your self worth and self definition are so wrapped up in being with him.

I strongly suggest you talk to a trusted friend or family member because you do need help. You know in your heart and soul that this is all wrong but I'm not sure you have the stomach to leave. A chat with a counsellor wouldn't do you any harm either. You've got issues that go beyond the current bind you're in.

Susie_Q

Totally agree with what Sunflower and Firetrap said above. This relationship is very unhealthy and seemingly premised on your total fear of being alone. That is no way to build a relationship.

By the way, if a man I was with ever called me a bitch or a ****, I would be out the door quicker than he could apologise. No one should ever ever accept that kind of abuse.

midlandsmissus

Hi hun if there's one good thing about being through it myself, is that I can advise other people:

Firstly: it's NOT YOUR FAULT,

Abusers wear down your self esteem to an extent where you think you deserve it, that because you are so rubbish you deserve the abuse he is giving you. It's not true, you deserve better and you need to tell yourself that.

It is his problem: he is the abuser, however you must accept your responsibility in this: you are the enabler, by staying with him you are damaging yourself, and yes damaging him too, because he is not learning that his behaviour is wrong. And I am not blaming you here, you're human, I have done it myself, and learned from it, and moved past it.

You need to be strong and leave him, and get counselling to repair your damaged self esteem. He will also need counselling to change his toxic behaviour before he can have a healthy relationship but he needs to come to that realisation himself.

I am now in a loving, caring relationship and it is out there for you too . It is not love you have at the minute, love is never hurting each other. Try to see this. Good luck.

Wurly

wow. there is just no excuse for this. Please get out. Don't think, just go.

Neyite

Wow. I think he might be my ex - they sound so alike. I had exactly what you did, and more, and finally I got sense and left him. I did it despite still loving him, and y'know what? not only did I survive, I thrived.

Is it your age thats stopping you from doing the right thing? I was like you, panicked at the thought of my biological clock and not wanting to start from scratch, but I knew in my heart and soul I did not want this man as the father of my children, despite being as broody as anything. One day I was making dinner or something, and he was critisising me from his usual spot on the couch, and said something like "you're doing it wrong, the water goes in first then the pasta, you stupid c**t" and he laughed at me. Now I had been called everything by that stage, and well used to the C**t insult, but something in me snapped - I had visions of a gorgeous toddler laughing and calling mammy a C**t along with his dad, and I knew I could not have the life I wanted with him, no matter how I tried.

We had other, bigger rows, but that little "affectionate" comment was always at the back of my mind and a physical incident happened, and my mother marched me off to a womens refuge to speak to a counsellor there. I will be eternally grateful to my mother, and the refuge for seeing what I could not see.

So we split - I think he had women lined up before I had even moved out fully, and it hurt, but I got counselling which helped me so much. Not long after that I met the wonderful man I am with now, and its a relationship that could not be more different - we have never ever name called, or let a disagreement escalate into shouting, insults or breaking things. Its a gentle, loving relationship full of respect, affection and laughter. After 2 years of trying for a baby, I finally got pregnant, and am 8 weeks along with twins, I will be turning 37 when they are born. To say I am over the moon would be a massive understatement, and I am proof you can begin again in your thirties and build an amazing life for yourself and your future.

Someone told me when I was hurting during the split that "The best revenge is your own happiness", and now I really understand what she means. I came across my ex on facebook recently and he hasnt changed a bit. Still angry, still derogatory towards women. He would crave what I have now, but it eludes him.

Ring a refuge and ask to speak to someone. You are deeply unhappy, and dont deserve it. Take the steps to be happy..

LegacyUser

OP I am also 29(and single) and can't fathom why you would choose to stay in this relationship a minute longer. Just get out now while the going is good and count your lucky stars that you havn't had children or gotten a mortgage with this sad excuse for a man. I would imagine he has already dented your self confidence, he will chip away at you for years and years.

While I'l admit that I would like to be in a relationship, I REFUSE to jump into one/stay in a wrong one because of my age. Lots of women seem to get a mad panic on when heading towards 30 but it is just another year. Do you really want to stay with someone who has no drive but is happy for you to work your a$$ off and then come home and wait on him hand and foot and get insulted? I would go as far as to say you should pack in your job and move away altogether and just start afresh somewhere. In your own words you call this relationship toxic-not the stuff of dreams. You would be far better off single than with this guy. Please don't waste any more time with him.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

think i could have written your post word for word... firstly i want to send you some hugs, you've reached the point where you have realised this relationship isnt right, the very step of having written this and reached out.

i was in the same type of relationship and stayed for six years, i got so used to the name calling/shouting/belittling/mood swings it didnt even bother me by the end. What made me leave? i realised that if we had kids together he would do the same to them and i'd rather be childless that having a daughter or son subjected to that, i couldn't protect any child from that behaviour. it was hard to leave, i used to think i couldnt survive without him, but i did, and since then, not one person has shouted at me or called me names which has given me a great sense of peace.

i know its an easy thing to say but dont be scared, take courage, gather your friends and family around you for support and dont give up on your happiness over this man, he isnt worth it. this type of love is twisted and demeaning - it can do you no good. i know you love him, but without sounding cliched, love yourself more and leave while you still can.

LegacyUser

I just left my girlfriend of 4 years. I'm 36.

I had to leave. I did so because it got to a stage that everything I did was wrong. As soon as I fixed one problem another appeared. The worst thing was the relationship brought out a side to me that I hated. It began a year into the relationship - one day a row took place & she literally went on at me for over an hour saying more & more. Eventually I snapped and said something really hurtful to her and not true. I was out of line and it broke my heart that the only way I could stop her was to say something hurtful. I had about 5 previous girlfriends & never rowed like that. I was scared what it brought out in me - it wasn't her fault, it was both of us together.

We tried to make it work for ages but it didn't. I'm not blaming her, not blaming me, we were not a good fit. Things would be great until her moods changed and I'd feel so let down. She would row with me and I'd hit back with something not nice and not true. Why do that to each other? I loved her, still do but when rows descend to that it's not worth it. I'd have done anything for her & often did. But then rows would start & that was not fair.

My heart is broken because I have lost the love of my life but if I end up rowing with her all the time I'm not enhancing her life. All I want is for her to be happy and much as it sickens me to think of her with someone else, I really do hope she will be happy.

Toxic relationship, not good.

ManOfMystery

Tiredandemotional wrote: »

I don't want to be without him or lonely. I'm nearly 30. It has taken me so long to find him but I don't want to be with someone cos I'm afraid I won't find anyone else.

OP

I read this type of post on here a lot, and it always puzzles me. Just what is so bad about being on your own? Surely it's better to be single and content (for now) rather than being in this relationship and being totally unhappy?

I'm in a relationship, but I've also had fairly long single periods and they weren't lonely - if anything, I probably saw my friends more and socialised more in bars/etc when I was single! There doesn't have to be a stigma about not having a partner.

Bear in mind, whilst you are in this toxic relationship you are effectively 'off the market' so your chances of getting what you want - meeting someone you can be happy with, and who treats you right - are reducing as time goes on. Don't waste any more time on this man who treats you like a piece of dirt, you're worth much more than that.

xXLaneyXx

I have given up a lot for him but because I love him. I'd never begrudge him anything or resent him.[/QUOTE]
OP - You've given up alot for him, but what has he given up for you??
I was in a similar situation to this a couple of months ago. I continued in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for over 3 years. I constantly found excuses for my ex and tried to brush everything under the carpet for a long time until one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I too loved him dearly even after the way he had treated me so badly ,and I found it quite hard to cope on my own for a while but I knew I had to do it because I deserved to have a better life because I too had given up so much just to please him and keep him happy. My ex left me with no confidence, no self esteem and a shadow of my former self. He constantly berated me on a daily basis and everything was "my" fault just like your situation.
But now with the help of some counselling, good friends and family I have moved on. I'm 27, and I too felt like time was running out to find a serious committed relationship and thats maybe why I put up with the torture for so long, but I can truthfully say that even though It was one of the hardest things I have ever done it was the best decision I could of made. I'm happy again, and I'm happy on my own. I no longer have to live up to someone elses expectations and put up with their abusive ways. I have a new house, a really good job and have since been promoted. Everything is beginning to fall into place and it will for you to.
Don't let someone drain the life from you like it was done to me. You can and will be happy again and will find someone who will love, adore and appreciate you for the person you are.

irishgal2012

I agree with what all the others are saying,walk away and dont look back! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years and it wore me down....eventually I couldnt take it any more as I knew I could never have a family with him-and although it was very hard to walk away, I did it and it was honestly the best thing ive ever done. I met my now husband a year later and things couldnt be more different, i dread to think what could have been if I hadnt had the strength to leave my ex when I did...