Cold Feet or Cold Relationship

LegacyUser

Going unreg here. I'm due to get married in a couple of months (I'm the bride). I been having doubts for a while but left things in case I was just hormonal, etc. But now I'm terrified that we are making a huge mistake. I wonder if we are only still together cos of habit - we are together years and years. We're not really intimate anymore and when we are its just functional. I know that you don't have butterflies etc after this many years but surely we should at least still fancy each other. I think that if we didn't live together then we wouldn't even arrange to meet up. We are like two housemates who sleep (sleep being the operative word) in the same bed. Am I just having the usual pre-wedding jitters or is it more? On and off we have the whole conversation about putting the effort in and spending some quality time together but it never actually happens. I'm so afraid of telling him how I feel, breaking his heart and then realising that I really do want to be with him forever and its too late. But I'm equally terrified that I'm going to walk up that aisle and say my vows when I know that I don't want to be there. I keep thinking that he must feel this way too deep down but then again he didn't have to propose to me - as in I wasn't putting any pressure on him although he might have felt it from friends/family expectations. I can't bear the thought of hurting him but I can't continue like this - I'm a mess. I know I have to talk to him but I just don't know how he's going to take it.

Miss Fluff

desperateforadvice wrote: »

I'm so afraid of telling him how I feel, breaking his heart and then realising that I really do want to be with him forever and its too late.

It doesn't have to be like that necessarily. But you do have to talk to him about how you are feeling. And as soon as possible about your doubts, your fears, your reservations. One thing that can't happen is you walking up the aisle when you know you don't want to and then bitterly regretting it.

You know I wouldn't be all that amazed if he feels the same, he may actually be relieved that you've been brave enough to have what is going to be a very painful and tough discussion.

From your post it seems evident that there is little love between you and rather than "living" together you are merely existing. How very sad. While it is still within your grasp to change things and not let this snowball any further, you need to tell him exactly how you feel. Not to do so would be terribly unfair on both of you.

I really hope it works out for you hon x

qwertytlk

You must have some idea how he feels? I mean is it a case that he loves you more than you love him. Or i should say is he more 'in' love. You know these chats you have had about making more of an effort etc? Well who has brought this up? If you both did make more of an effort and spiced up the physical side of your relationship then do you think that you would be happier? Maybe broach the subject with him, try and gauge how he feels and bring up some of your concerns and see how he reacts. Because if you feel like this now, and you marry him, you will probably be desperatley unhappy and also it will be alot harder and hurt alot more if you are married.. So you are better to deal with it now. As you said, you dont want to hurt him but imo he would be alot more hurt if you got married and then decided you had made a mistake. Can you imagine your lfe without him, i mean properly imagine living your life without being in a realtionship/married to this guy? Im asking because for me, if i could imagine happily living my life without my partner then think i would know that the relationship was in trouble and it was time to do some serious damage control or call it a day. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I am a friend

Op I have been in the corner you are in and I know the sheer panic of it. I made my decision based on the fact that my rational mind didn't want a life without sex and I figured if we were not doing it before we married then what would it be like in 20 years. The lack of sex had the result of a lack of communication between us as well. The thing that made us a couple was not happening in the relationship do what were we?? I really felt do lonely even when he was there... That says a lot I think

I found myself getting attracted to someone else in work and knew I had to leave my ex. It was hard but it's the best thing I ever did - for both of us.

I think the fact that you didn't want to get married etc says a lot. At minimum now you need to postpone the wedding by talking to your oh. In fairness to him he deserves more than walking up the aisle with someone who doesn't really feel in love with him. I know there are 2 sides to every story but we are only dealing with yours here.

trio

Well I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet.

Certainly you have to decide to make an effort and see if that does improve things. Cos it sounds right now like you both only give it lipservice, and you owe it to both of you to see if all you both need is that bit of effort.

Definately you both need one-on-one pre-marriage counselling, I think that's a given. But the good news is that it is normal to have pre-marriage counselling, so hopefully introducing the topic won't be too much of a shock for him.

I would NOT marry without several sessions. It doesn't sound like a good idea at all. But you may find that those sessions are incredibly helpful, and put the focus back re-finding a romantic relationship.