How do i let him down gently?

LegacyUser

So basically i was introduced to this guy 6 weeks ago through a mutual friend and we've been seeing eachother for the last month. He's everything you could ask for in a man, kind, sweet, says all the right things to make me feel like a million dollars with a heart of gold. The only thing that's missing is 'spark'. I didn't think much of it at the start because in previous relationships the spark took some time to ignite so i decided to give it time and see if something could grow out of it, but it hasn't. He asked me to move in with him already and i told him i wasn't anywhere ready for that but he still talks about it. I've told him things are moving too fast but he doesn't seem to want to slow things down. He seems to be more into the relationship than i am and i know i just have to be honest with him. I was just out of a 7 year relationship 2 months before meeting him and thought i was ready for something new but my conscience is telling me different. He's been hurt before and the last thing i want to do is hurt him again but if i let things continue while i'm feeling like this i'd just be leading him on and he doesn't deserve that. So i guess i'm looking for some way to soften the blow...if such a thing exists?

starlit

Unregistered112 wrote: »

So basically i was introduced to this guy 6 weeks ago through a mutual friend and we've been seeing eachother for the last month. He's everything you could ask for in a man, kind, sweet, says all the right things to make me feel like a million dollars with a heart of gold. The only thing that's missing is 'spark'. I didn't think much of it at the start because in previous relationships the spark took some time to ignite so i decided to give it time and see if something could grow out of it, but it hasn't. He asked me to move in with him already and i told him i wasn't anywhere ready for that but he still talks about it. I've told him things are moving too fast but he doesn't seem to want to slow things down. He seems to be more into the relationship than i am and i know i just have to be honest with him. I was just out of a 7 year relationship 2 months before meeting him and thought i was ready for something new but my conscience is telling me different. He's been hurt before and the last thing i want to do is hurt him again but if i let things continue while i'm feeling like this i'd just be leading him on and he doesn't deserve that. So i guess i'm looking for some way to soften the blow...if such a thing exists?

Hey OP, its obvious your relationship with him is only friendship when ye click but don't have the spark!

The best way to let him down gently is to be honest with him tell him the truth of how you feel. He be very understanding if he is told the truth. Though he may not like it but think the whole moving into getting thing is a bit rash and a bit of a rush when he asked when you yourself state there is no spark between ye! Go with your gut when you feel like this. Its often right!

Don't think there is anyway easy way to soften the blow like! The only way to do that in a friendly approach is to tell him the truth and let him move on its the only way he can heal from the hurt. If he can't take it its his loss, he just have to learn to move on! Its very much one sided regarding the spark but there is no reason why ye can't just be friends like? Tough love and all that like!

Miss Fluff

Unregistered112 wrote: »

He asked me to move in with him already

Eh ok.....:eek:

This on it's own makes it perfectly clear that he's WAY more emotionally invested in this than you are. He's taking this seriously and you wanting to "soften the blow" is not going to work.

Subtlety is not really the order of the day here, you're going to have to be kind but very firm and clear that it won't be going any further. Tell him that a. you're not ready but also b/ the chemistry just isn't there for you. No false hope or lets me friends line. He sounds pretty intense and while I get you don't want to hurt him you also don't want him to think he's still in with a chance.

Emme

OP, it's best to let this good guy go and find somebody who appreciates and deserves him. Guys like him are very rare which you will no doubt find out in the future if you dump him. Also you don't want to hang on any longer and hurt him which may sour him for the next girl he meets.

It's a pity you met him so soon after splitting up from your 7 year relationship. Lots of women haven't even had a relationship in 7 years! If you were single for a year or so you would really appreciate this guy.

Maybe you should take 6 months to a year to clear your head from the 7 year relationship before dating anybody else.

I personally think chemistry is overrated, if a guy is kind and decent that should be enough for anyone.

dsmythy

Emme wrote: »

I personally think chemistry is overrated, if a guy is kind and decent that should be enough for anyone.

So despite having little sexual attraction to him she should stick it out?

As already said OP the truth is the best way to deal with it. After a while he will appreciate you said it to him upfront.

Emme

dsmythy wrote: »

So despite having little sexual attraction to him she should stick it out?

No, he's a decent guy and he deserves somebody who really wants to be with him.

Chemistry is more important for some people than others in a relationship. I think idealists need chemistry while the more pragmatic of us can love somebody when there isn't much chemistry but everything else is there.

Miss Fluff

Emme wrote: »

Chemistry is more important for some people than others in a relationship. I think idealists need chemistry while the more pragmatic of us can love somebody when there isn't much chemistry but everything else is there.

You cannot be serious. Idealists need chemistry? Don't you mean realists need chemistry. How can you possibly hope for a sustainable and happy relationship without chemistry? To my mind, if there's no chemistry then there's nothing there. The relationship is nothing more than a farce and shouldn't be anything more than a friendship.

Mighty_Mouse

I was just out of a 7 year relationship 2 months before meeting him and thought i was ready for something new but my conscience is telling me different.

He's head-over-heals, you're just beginning to come out of your shell after a lt relationship. Both positions are understandable but incompatabile.
If he can't understand being told "slow down", then so be it.
Trust your instincts.
Do it face to face.
It's never easy.

beks101

Emme wrote: »

. I think idealists need chemistry while the more pragmatic of us can love somebody when there isn't much chemistry but everything else is there.

That's called 'settling.'

OP, I've very recently been in the same predicament - just last week I ended it with a guy for the same reason. On paper, everything was right, but my gut was telling me it was wrong. I didn't enjoy the physical stuff at all, although I could have chatted to him all night long. If it's not there, it's not there, and it's neither of your fault.

Just be honest with him. End it with integrity and treat him in the way that you would like to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. Nobody wants to hear that they're not setting someone's world on fire, especially from someone they are crazy about, but rejection is just a part of life that everyone has to face at some stage. Don't draw it out by sugar-coating it and giving him false hope - just explain to him that it doesn't feel right to you and you're not able to give him what he wants.

Kadongy

You make him sound like a looney. I would wonder what his side of the story is.

dixiefly

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Eh ok.....:eek:

This on it's own makes it perfectly clear that he's WAY more emotionally invested in this than you are. He's taking this seriously and you wanting to "soften the blow" is not going to work.

That surprised me also and I would suggest that his intensity has contributed to the OP's reaction in the opposite way.You should explain exactly as you have explained here.

Perhaps meet him at a reduced frequency etc for a few weeks and make a final decision then.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

No, he's a decent guy and he deserves somebody who really wants to be with him.

Chemistry is more important for some people than others in a relationship. I think idealists need chemistry while the more pragmatic of us can love somebody when there isn't much chemistry but everything else is there.

this is very harsh, to be fair the op knows exactly how great this guy is, she has told us all.

she just doesnt feel it, for whatever reasons, maybe she would never feel it, maybe the timing isnt right. but for whatever reasons, the 'feeling' just isnt there.

just tell him op, be honest, even if he is full on its early days and he will be fine. maybe he may even be a good friend.
at the end of the day, he isnt for you, whatever the reason.

dont settle. and dont allow him to think that you want the same as him.
nip it in the bud, now.

definately best in the long run. he will eventually see that too

sharper

bubblypop wrote: »

she just doesnt feel it, for whatever reasons

When people say they're not feeling the chemistry despite someone being good on paper it makes me wonder about what it is they want and whether they actually know. There must be something about this guy or what he lacks that puts the OP off and it would probably be good for her own sake to figure out what.

I think where Emme was going wasn't "settling" per se but making a conscious decision to decide what you want and then making it work with someone that ticks those boxes. People seem to give each other very little opportunity to make an impression possibly with the expectation that someone is going to just show up in their life and make them swoon.

Tuesday_Girl

sharper wrote: »

When people say they're not feeling the chemistry despite someone being good on paper it makes me wonder about what it is they want and whether they actually know. There must be something about this guy or what he lacks that puts the OP off and it would probably be good for her own sake to figure out what.

I think where Emme was going wasn't "settling" per se but making a conscious decision to decide what you want and then making it work with someone that ticks those boxes. People seem to give each other very little opportunity to make an impression possibly with the expectation that someone is going to just show up in their life and make them swoon.

They want to feel an attraction to the person they are dating.

sharper

Razzle wrote: »

They want to feel an attraction to the person they are dating.

Yes I understand that. The point I was making though is when someone has all the qualities they believe they're attracted to but they're still not attracted to them then they're lacking in their own self-awareness. I'm suggesting the OP should at least try to nail down what the issue is so she knows better in the future what she wants and what she likes.

MintyDoris

If the spark isn't there you may as well just add another friend to your friends list on facebook!

OP, if it's not there for you, it's not there for you. His good points make him a person that someone would be lucky to have but for you, it doesnt light your fire and that's ok.

Be honest and if he is smart he will take what you have to say on board and learn from it. He may have a little emotional maturing to do and what you have to say and how you say it may help him, in the long run, to do that for himself

Miss Fluff

sharper wrote: »

Yes I understand that. The point I was making though is when someone has all the qualities they believe they're attracted to but they're still not attracted to them then they're lacking in their own self-awareness.

On the contrary I'd say! I've met a few men along the way who have ticked a veritable myriad of "boxes" but if it's not there, it's not there. I agree that love can grow and some mind-blowing relationships and encounters can be slow-burners but you can't FORCE yourself into fancying someone. I'd attribute this perception to honed self-awarness and being brave enough to not fit a square peg into a round hole if you'll excuse the expression. Or as someone else said "settling"...

OP if it's not there it's not there, don't feel bad or feel like you ought to fancy someone because they are the first relatively decent chap you've met in a while. There will be more, and there will be more with the added bonus of really fancying them rotten too

sharper

Miss Fluff wrote: »

On the contrary I'd say! I've met a few men along the way who have ticked a veritable myriad of "boxes" but if it's not there, it's not there.

I think I'm failing to communicate precisely what I'm saying The "it" you're talking about is something real. If someone "ticks all the boxes" but "it" isn't there the list of boxes isn't complete.

People often act as if attraction is a mystical force thrust upon them (I often see people talk about being "unlucky" in terms of the type of person they're attracted to for example). You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, nor should you, but you can try to better understand what does or does not attract you.

Changing what you're attracted to is possible and I'd disagree that it's necessarily settling. People have to balance their priorities for what they want out of life so if you crave a stable family life but are constantly attracted to unstable bad boy bikers at least one of those desires has to go. If you seriously compromise what you want just you can have someone/anyone then sure it's settling.

Even outside of the attraction issue the OP's relationship seems awfully mismatched. He's moving much faster than she's comfortable with, possibly because he senses her lack of interest and is trying to grasp the relationship even harder.

Kadongy

sunflower27 wrote: »

What has she said that makes him sound like a loony? All I can see is the fact he is driving the relationship along at break-neck speed and she doesn't want to move in with him. After less than two months, I don't blame her.

ok "looney" was too strong.
But he sounds odd - because he is so serious and moving so fast with someone who says there is no chemistry.
So he's either pretty odd, or the OP is misleading him.

it may just be as simple as the op hasnt completely gotten over her previous relationship.
7 years i think she said? well it will take a while, even if it was the right thing to do it takes a while to get back to 'normal' if you like, and maybe she just needs time to herself, enjoying life and meeting people.

maybe if she met this guy in a years time things might be different but she didnt, she met him 6 weeks ago, she doesnt feel it now. thats the important thing, not why.

if you dont feel it, you dont feel it, no point pretending to yourself and its not fair on others to keep them hanging on while you decide whether or not you 'feel' it or not.
thats like having someone on the backburner, not fair to anyone!