Am I shallow? Did I make a mistake?

LegacyUser

How important is that 'spark'? How important is instant sexual attraction, on meeting a guy/girl, for there to be romantic potential?

I'm asking because of a guy I met about a month ago online. We exchanged messages, then swapped numbers, texted, a few phone calls and then met in person.

Got on like a house on fire. We have lots in common, similar degrees, work in the same industry, same sense of humour etc. He's very very cute, but here's the issue for me...and please go easy on me, if I could control the way I feel, I totally would, believe me...but he's really really short and it's not something I can get passed. I'm five feet nothing myself, so maybe I'm not 'entitled' to this 'discrimination' or whatever it is...but I've always gone for guys that are notably taller than me, bigger than me, not on a par. It's a dimension that's important to me in a relationship. This guy is eye level and quite short for a guy, something that wasn't mentioned in his dating profile.

Nonetheless, we had a great night, drinks were flowing, he walked me home and made a move on me at the end of the night. I felt nothing, except a desire to wrap it up as quickly as possible. He was really forward and told me he wanted to see me again, and part of me (the part that is sick of missing a55holes that just happen to be my version of 'hot') decided to give him a chance, he was so nice, respectful, attentive, smart, funny and assertive in a great way.

Anyway, roll on date two last week...same thing. Loads of banter, interesting conversation, I really hit it off with this guy on that level, but just no desire whatsoever to get physical with him. Which made the inevitable end of the night uncomfortable...very forward again, more kissing, expressed a keen interest in date number 3.

I felt like crap when I got home, because I felt like I was leading this guy on by letting him kiss me, knowing how into me he was, and being really really unsure about my feelings for him.

We were due to go on date number three this week, but today I could take it no more and ended it. Sent him a text saying how much I've enjoyed myself, but that I don't see anything there beyond friendship. He was very civil and upfront in his response, said he felt differently and doesn't like wasting time, so a friendship probably isn't on the cards, which is fair enough.

Except that now I am totally second guessing myself and wondering if I've ruined something potentially fantastic because of something utterly superficial. I've met so many 'hot' guys who have treated me like crap over the years and I am just so untrusting of my own instincts when it comes to men...but in my love life I've always worked on the belief that the physical thing, the 'spark' or sexual attraction or desire to jump their bones...should come first, and everything builds around that. There was such a distinct lack of it from my end with this guy that I just felt in my gut that it would never be anything other than a friendship. But we got on so well, our personalities clicked so well that now I'm wondering if I have it completely aRseways? Could something have grown there? Should I have waited to see?

Has anyone felt like this before and what did you do? Have I jumped the gun too soon??

(sorry for the essay)

I am a friend

It depends in the person - the spark can come for me once I get to know the person. It seems, for you, it doesn't and there is nothing wring with that.

Did you make a mistake? Probably not as you didnt fancy him so move on and keep going.

dsmythy

If you get on great with someone but you're not attracted to them then they are your friend. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems you two would have been really good friends. But as he's not looking for a friend then it was never going to work.

Who knows, had you met each other in college or work etc and spent longer getting to know each other,without the pressure of "dates" the attraction may have grown for you. But you met on a dating site, which means the people on there are looking for "instant gratification" in the form of romance... not friendship.

It's not your fault. He wants something more definite more quickly.. that's not his fault either.

Move on. Someone else will suit you.

Miss Fluff

Stop second guessing yourself and go with your gut. The attraction wasn't there.

All I'd say is that if you do feel you were a little hasty then learn from it and next time maybe give it more of a chance.

Tbh I think you can tell an awful lot from a kiss. You had a snogging session with him and felt nothing so I'd let that be my guide.

Tuesday_Girl

I was in the same situation recently, we had two dates and I called it off before date 3. We got on great and he was a really good guy, we had more in common that I've had with anyone for years and he was really kind, a gentlemen, etc. He ticked all the boxes and on paper we were a great match but I just felt nothing physically, funnily enough he was quite short too (shorter than he said on his profile) but for me the issue was just a compete lack of attraction, we kissed at the end of each date but it did nothing for me whereas he was apparently blown away by it. I couldn't go through that a third time and give him false hope so I finished it.

I felt bad that it hadn't worked out because I really wanted it to but I do believe that there has to be a spark there for the beginning and that's the downside of internet dating for me. It's happened several times now that I've met very nice guys but there was no chemistry at all, so for now I'm back to looking for someone in real life where I know right away if i fancy them or feel a spark and can then see if the rest fits. I'll try that for a bit and see how it goes.

So yes, I think you did the right thing by ending it. It might seem superficial to not like short guys but you can't help what you go for.

spinandscribble

I think you did the right thing by calling it a day. Holding on to him "incase" you suddenly feel something would be selfish if you ask me. if your gut is telling you no I think you did the right thing.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I feel a bit better about it today. I knew in my gut that it wasn't right - I mean, even mid-kiss it just felt all wrong. I think I just freaked out after the fact because I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence when it comes to my judgement on men recently, I've just been falling for the wrong ones and I'm sort of tired of that. But then you really can't help who you're attracted to and that's pretty much the main ingredient when it comes to romance. It was becoming a bit of a chore with this guy.

Thanks again for the reassurance! Onwards and upwards I guess...

starlit

I think a spark is important but not the be it and end all that can evaporate after a while and fade but if you click with him then its possible it could grow into something more if ye get on very well. Love comes after the getting to know you part but I guess if you aren't attracted to someone or not fancy them and just like them maybe ye are better off as friends if you think it go nowhere.

If you think you can get past that in the hope you will fancy him gradually and eventually and give it a go and give him a chance no harm trying it out and experiencing something different from the guy you normally go for otherwise you won't know who you are more drawn to and you pick out the genuine guys that way. You need to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince! I have seen it happen!

Ye can always be friends surely if you think that you haven't an attraction and ye just click maybe after time ye might get together but once in the friend-zone there is no going back!?

Go with your gut instinct it never fails, I went against it and came back to haunt me cause I didn't trust the guy I still went out with him and regret it so go with your gut not your head or your heart unless they all agree! Good luck OP!