Choosing Friends

Justask

Do you think you can stop your child from being friends with another child?

I remember when I was a kd my parents would forbid me hanging out with a certain girl but as teenagers do the more they forbid it the more I did it :rolleyes: Looking back now I can see why my parents did this, this girl did end up going down a not so nice road

So how do you go about making them see that its not a good idea? Anyone every gone through this?

Jesus teenagers would make you go bald with worry :rolleyes:

Moonbeam

No is my answer but what I would do is encourage time with that friend to be spent in your house or at organised events so that you can control it better with out them feeling like you are trying to stop them having friends!!!
I hope I will have taught my kids to think for themselves by then and be able to say no as well as they can now!!

Justask

Its only one lad, but myself and a couple of other parent have noticed that because he is let say 'wild' seems to be attractive to the other kids.

Daisy M

You would probably be better off pointing out the negative results that could come from this lads behaviour rather than stopping them been friends.
Having said that I think any parent would move heaven and earth to stop their child remaining friends with someone who could threaten their wellbeen ie if they had a friend who was putting pressure on them to take part in something like joyriding/drugs ect.
Chat with your child and let him/her know what you will and won't tolerate, and if they choose to be friends with this person fair enough (as long as behaviour is'nt too bad) but that if they are involved in anything you frown on there will be hell to pay.

Justask

is mise astra wrote: »

You would probably be better off pointing out the negative results that could come from this lads behaviour rather than stopping them been friends.
Having said that I think any parent would move heaven and earth to stop their child remaining friends with someone who could threaten their wellbeen ie if they had a friend who was putting pressure on them to take part in something like joyriding/drugs ect.

Its a tough one (I think) If you forbid them they will want to do it more. If you direct them and point out the negatives your just a 'nagging mother and hasnt a clue'
We all bring our kids up to know when to say 'No' but peer presure does excist.
This kid has already had the Garda speak to his parents over a couple of things he has done.

Fittle

I tend to point stuff out to my fella - for example 'Johnny always seems to shout at you, why do you think that is...' or 'Do you think Paul is a bit aggressive' (names have been changed to protect the identities of Johnny & Paul;))...I find he figures it out for himself quite soon after I point stuff out for him...
When he was younger, of course it was easier to ensure that he didn't play with kids who weren't treating him well, but I find as he's gotten older,he's quite good at picking out the good kids from the not so good.

ash23

I think you can steer but not forbid. One girl my little one plays with is a bit wild and does some bold things.
I've explained to my daughter (lets call the child Mary)
"If Mary and you are seen running away after Mary does something bad, what does it look like?". She realises that it looks like she's done the bad thing too.
For my older neice (teen) i pointed out that if someone has a rep for sleeping around or taking drugs or stealing, and she hangs out with that person, she will get the same rep, even though she isn't doing those things.

AvaKinder

When I was a teenager, one of my friends mothers thought that I was a 'bad influence' on her because her daughter came home late/smelling of smoke a few times from hanging out with me. We were around 13/14. What her mother had failed to discover was that her daughter was drinking, smoking, dating much older men and dabbling in drugs, and I did none of these things.

I was always a bit intimidated by my friend who seemed much more mature and was actually quite wild, but much more talented at hiding these things from her parents, whereas I always told my mam everything I got up to.

I'm not saying that it's anything like your situation OP, but it bears in mind that the stories you hear/what you see may be fairly different from the realities of their friendship.

Justask

AvaKinder wrote: »

When I was a teenager, one of my friends mothers thought that I was a 'bad influence' on her because her daughter came home late/smelling of smoke a few times from hanging out with me. We were around 13/14. What her mother had failed to discover was that her daughter was drinking, smoking, dating much older men and dabbling in drugs, and I did none of these things.

I was always a bit intimidated by my friend who seemed much more mature and was actually quite wild, but much more talented at hiding these things from her parents, whereas I always told my mam everything I got up to.

I'm not saying that it's anything like your situation OP, but it bears in mind that the stories you hear/what you see may be fairly different from the realities of their friendship.

Totally agree with you here, my parent thought I was a saint :rolleyes:

And Im also aware of what my son is capable of, as is every teenager. Just seeing how others deal with this.

KittyeeTrix

It's a tough one to deal with because you really cannot be with your teenager when they go to school, town trips etc.

I think the best thing to do is just be quietly advising them in their ear but not be prohibitive with them as we all know from our own experience that teens will in most cases do the opposite of what we want them to do.

From personal experience my eldest son who is now in Leaving Cert started to hang out in 1st year with another lad. After a few weeks I asked how this other lad was getting on and my son said he wasn't hanging out with him anymore. When asked Why?, he said because he was a tool who kept disrupting the class and that he couldn't be bothered with him!!!!:D

Needless to say I was delighted....

The Princess Bride

I agree with FluffyOrganic.
It's difficult to watch when you know some of their 'friends' are unsuitable.
I prefer to have their pals over to hang out here,where I can discreetly keep an eye on everything.
Am lucky in so far as after a few months of being in their company,both at school and out of it- both my teenagers saw some of their 'friends' true worth.

Sometimes,they need to come to their own conclusions with out us stepping in- when my oldest started second level,she was invited to hang out with a girl (my gut told me no,my brain agreed based on a lot of knowledge about said family) but I said yes,knowing I was only a phone call and 3km away-- collected her that evening and all was ok.

Following day,daughter announced that even though she'd been made welcome etc.....she realised that she had absolutely nothing in common with this girl,and just didn't want to have anything more to do with her,and was grateful I'd let her make her own decision!!!!Wasn't I relieved I hadn't ranted the way I'd really wanted to.

Yes,Justask,raising teenagers is hard work.Give me a dozen colicky nasally babies with diarrhoea any day-and I'd mind them all blindfolded.

Soccer Mom

msthe80s wrote: »

I agree with FluffyOrganic.
It's difficult to watch when you know some of their 'friends' are unsuitable.
I prefer to have their pals over to hang out here,where I can discreetly keep an eye on everything.

Sorry to bump this thread, but a couple of things have been bothering me of late regarding my son's friends, although he's not in his teens yet. I thought it tied in here, because I'm honestly shocked at some of the stuff that I catch hearing from these boys mouths. My son is nine, and the friends in question are 8, which is even more shocking to me.

I may very well be out of the loop on all this; but if I was caught saying the things these boys mouths I'd have been beheaded (and I'm in my early thirties). With the bad weather these boys have been spending a little bit of time in my house, which I don't mind so long as they aren't messing.

So a couple of things here; one of the boys said to my son at the front door, unaware that I was in earshot that there were two dogs on the park having sex, while laughing his ass off. I was oblivious as to what that was till I was about 12, maybe I was a late one? is it time I have some kind of a talk with him about this? He didn't seem to be altogether confused by what the boy said, just embaressed.

One of the other boys called his brother a 'prick' while he was in the house, and I ordered him home straight away. I've never allowed my kids to use bad language, and I'm appalled by some of the stuff I'm hearing. Another one I've over heard shouting during a football game 'cunt' and told another boy to 'go fuck himself'.



Was I brought up wrapped in cotton wool or what?