Cheated on.. and lying to my children??

LegacyUser

My husband of 10 years (partner of more) cheated on me. I had my suspicions, but I actually had to basically catch him in the act to force him to admit it. I have ended the relationship, and now he wants me to lie to our kids (ages 15, 13 11) about why we have separated. I have never ever lied to my children-when someone is ill, or dies or has problems I have never sugar coated it. I speak to them like adults and hope this will give them an understanding of life, and how it's sometimes harsh. I fully intended to tell our kids that dad met someone else and mom cannot forgive an affair so we have to live apart. He, his family and some friends have called me and called to my house basically accusing me of child abuse and calling me spiteful b***h and will call social services. I am not spiteful -I only want to tell my kids the truth because I encourage them to be honest and value honesty myself. I have raised them in such a way that they understand honesty and I don't want them to be 16, 18 and have to sit down and explained I lied for years. Is this reasonable??

I am a friend

Sorry to hear about your troubles...

I can see why you would want to do this but don't think it's right bringing kids into their parents relationship no matter how much it affects them.

The micro details of his affair can be explained at a macro level to them I.e. Mam and dad don't love each other anymore - they don't need to know why.

As for the yobbo's calling up your door, tell them to get lost.

m'lady

From someone who lived through their parents separation, and was aware of all the details, and at the age of 31 it still gets to me, I would advise you to seriously think about discussing your husbands affair with your children. Personally I cannot see what good will come out of it apart from them turning against their father? Deal with your marriage problems with your husband, and only your husband, and allow your kids..be exactly that.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Contessa Raven

I was 13/14 when my parents split up due to an affair that my mother had. I don't think you should lie to your children. My parents told me the reason they split up and while I was devastated at the time, I look back and I am glad that they were honest enough to tell me. I think it saved me alot of confusion and questions in the long run.

The children may be angry with their father for a while but if communication is kept open between you and them and them and their father then it will pass.

Your ex is the one who is in the wrong here. Don't let him manipulate you any further by covering for him. The children will find out someday anyway. If they find out ten years from now, they may be more angry that the true reason was kept from them.

IrishEyes19

Your husband has no case here in terms of calling social services, he is embarassed and knows he is in the wrong and therefore is using petty threats to frighten you into keeping silent.

You can of course tell your children, but tread carefully, tell them the absolute truth but be aware of the fact that despite everything he is still their father. I obviously dont know all the details, but if he has been a good father to them, there is no need to poison them against him. Not saying you would, but seperations and divorce down the line can be bitter and kids can get put in the middle. The affair is going to be tough enough on them to grasp, so although there is nothing to justify his actions, if he has been a good father, his relationship with the kids should remain as unaltered as they can be in such situations.

How you are going to do this without doing that, I dont know. But I would keep in mind. Also ignore what his friends and family are saying, Im sure he has told them some other alternative story to why you are splitting up. But that is his problem, not yours. Your kids are your main interest here, and you have done everything right so far. best of luck

Taltos

My sister went through something similar. Her ex made loads of allegations, from having a brain tumor, to her being mentally disturbed all the way to her having a lesbian affair with her best friend.

I am going to tell you what I told her - do whatever you can to protect yourself.
Seek legal advice, be honest (100%) with your solicitor.

In terms of your children - this must be a rotten time for them - they have seen their family disintegrate and they are on the verge of being adults so hormones are probably raging. If it was me - I think I would tell them. I would attempt to sit down with your ex and calmly explain that the reason you have both split is because your Ex has met someone else and it has nothing to do with them.

However - it sounds like you can't do this - so you are going to have to play both sides here - reinforce to them that their father loves them, but for whatever reason he no longer sees a life with you, and that while he has left the family home he has not left their lives.

I am a friend

One is the on verge of adulthood - the youngest is only 11.....

Stench Blossoms

Have they asked yet why you are seperated?

If they ask tell them the truth but don't tell them otherwise.

I was 17 and my sister was 8 when my mother told me my father was cheating and we both still resent her for it.

fungun

I think there is a little bit of naivete in some responses here in terms of the reality of the situation. I have seen this happen. Ideally, telling them would be great. But the problem is that unless you can agree with your ex what is going to be said, then you and your ex are going to be saying different things. From the sounds of the guy, if you tell them the truth and your ex does not want you to, it will end up that when he spends time with them he will tell 'his side' of the story and basically bad-mouth you - then from wanting to be honest with your children, suddenly they are in a really awkward situation not knowing who to believe and who to trust and slap bang in the middle of the situation, the worst place for them to be.

I think if you are thinking of the kids, you need to put your pride aside and try to compromise with your ex on what to say...maybe something like mum and dad dont love each other any more and your dad met someone else? I dont know. The social services thing is rubbish, ignore it - again from some communication with your ex, his family must stop that kind of harassment. I guess it comes down to whether you will be able tohave an amicable reln with your ex - if so, then work this stuff out. If not, your kids will be in the middle of it whether you like it or not.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think it's really unfair to drag your kids opinion of their father into the failure of your marriage for whatever reason...

As hard as it is I think you need to swallow your pride, accept that it takes two to make a marriage worth leaving and try as best you can to make a united parental front even if you can't make a partnership any more. Whatever issues you have had or are having are not the kids fault and they shouldn't be punished for it.

Unfortunately unhappy marriages and falling out of love are a part of life - I think your job now is to try to make the transition as smooth as possible. Deliberately being divisive and setting you up as the victim and your husband as the cause of all their confusion and hurt isn't fair on anyone but you - and that's just malicious and spiteful. It would be much fairer to say that your marriage broke down, you stopped loving each other and he found someone else he wanted to be with so you can't live together.

I think you need to separate the feelings of bitterness and resentment you have for your husband from the job you both have of protecting your kids from feeling any of this is their fault. Remember they will feel they have a responsibility to protect you or be angry with their father out of a sense of duty to you - not because they hate him or are hurt the way you are. I understand that you want to tell them the truth or at least you don't want to lie to them - but keep in mind that damaging the relationship they have with their father hurts them, not just him.

All the best you, its a horrible catch22 situation to be in.

LegacyUser

OP I think you are getting a hard time here. Kids aren't stupid and at age 11, 13 and 15 they are well able to understand and process the truth. They will resent being lied to.

Unfortunately OP is in the horrible position of having to deal with the mess her ex H caused the whole family. It is not OP's doing that she has to take their innocence and tell them this hurtful thing. She had nothing to do with it. It is the exH's who has put them in this position.

He had an affair and wouldn't admit to it. He sounds like a horrible selfish man and you only have to look at his families actions to understand where he got his sense of entitlement. HE is the one who made this mess. OP is having to suck a lot up. But on top of everything he is trrying to bully her into lying for him and his family is helping him. There is no fair play going on there. The children need to be aware of the bones of the story. Imagine how humiliated they would be if their friends all knew and they were the last to know. These things get around school and the school gates like wildfire.

The children are at an age where they are not stupid. If they are told something vague like Mammy and Daddy don't love each other any more they will hate OP for throwing Daddy out for no reason. It's the Father who should have to explain the truth to them. There is no happy ending here but I do think the children deserve some version of the truth. Yes they will be hurt but that is outside OP's control.

In my opinion lying and deceit only causes more hurt in the long run.

Sleepy

A lie of omission would be my choice of action here OP.

Ickle's advice above is good, and from personal experience of parents separating for the same reason, you risk not only turning your children against their father in the short to medium term but also of damaging your relationship with them as they get old enough to realise your version of the story is only one side of it and start to feel as if you poisoned their relationship with their father out of resentment / anger / jealousy.

LegacyUser

Hi, Op here, thanks for the replies,. We have only just split up so the kids do not know. Their dad would be away a lot anyway with work and is away now. He said if we get back together me telling them is pointless. I have stated that that will not happen but he just ignores it and fully intends to come back into the house when his trip is over. While I want to tell the kids honestly, I cannot yet tell them the whole story as I don't know it - i.e. that we will live apart if he just shows up and refuses to leave. I am adamant that our relationship is over but I have no legal basis to keep him out of the house. I want to give them the whole story - such as where dad will live, when they will see dad etc and be able to answer their questions but since I don't know this I am reluctant to say anything

Ickle Magoo

I think maybe taking some time to come to terms with the huge changes in your life would be best at the moment, I imagine it must all feel very raw...have you discussed your legal standing with a solicitor? That and starting legal proceedings is probably going to be your next move, especially if he isn't taking you considering the marriage over seriously.

There are some contact numbers Here that might help.

All the very best.

LegacyUser

Yes, I have in a way. My friend is a solicitor and has discussed this with me:

He is fully entitled to remain in the house. (I cannot leave as I do not have the money to rent a three- four bed house in the vicinity of the schools. As it is a joint mortgage, I would still have to pay my half and then my rent - we are jointly and separably liable and I do not want to fall into arrears).

I can apply for a judicial separation after a year (I think? I can't remember the time frames) even if he doesn't leave - once I can show we have being living separate lives.

I just need to hope he leaves, but the court can make a property adjustment order and may give me the home, give him the home, sell it etc.

I fully intend to proceed with the legal route as soon as possible as I know he will otherwise think he can do what he likes

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

My husband of 10 years (partner of more) cheated on me.

I'm sorry that you have been betrayed like this. No doubt this is a very difficult time for both you and your husband, and your kids will experience a lot of grief also as a result of the events that have unfolded.

I say that it is difficult for your husband because it is difficult for him, regardless of the fact that it was his own actions which led to this situation. That he may shoulder the blame does not make it easier on him in any way. In fairness, trying to sort out blame issues in situations like this is counter-productive and subjective; we do not know what was going on in the relationship at the time, nor do we need to know.

Imagine for a moment that your post here was not anonymous, and that your husband read it and responded to it. What would his posts say? Might they say that you had hardened your heart towards him long before he cheated? Might he say that he had been trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage and had no option but to find some comfort in the arms of another? What might readers here think? Would we begin to doubt the honesty of you both? Might we wonder whether the whole situation would have been avoided if the two of you had worked together to protect the marriage?

I'm not suggesting any of this is true, I just want to illustrate how easily a different perspective might change our perceptions of who was in the right & wrong in this case.

This is how it could be for your children. Your husband did not cheat on them, he cheated on you, and yet his relationship with them is going to be damaged. Yes, it's a consequence of his own actions, but once you go down the road of involving your children in your adult relationship the reality is that your husband will feel the need to defend himself to them, and in doing so he will invariably paint a picture of you which attempts to spread the "blame" in the children's eyes. The blame game serves nobody in this instance, but hurts many.

If it were me in your position I would simply tell the children that the relationship between you and your husband is not working, and you do not love each other the way you once did. Reinforce the message that you both love them every bit as much as you always did. This is really the only important message they need to hear.

You have been hurt by your husband's actions. The children are being hurt by the consequences of those actions, and by the decision you have both taken to separate. Trying to "be honest" with the children might in fact simply drag them into a mud-slinging match between yourself and your husband which would be even more confusing and hurtful to them. Children get over a separation, but a nasty separation takes a lot longer to get over.

So agree with your husband the message to be given to your kids, and make sure it is the same message from both of you. Don't be drawn into discussions with your kids about the "why" this is happening. In time they may come to realise what has happened and they will not begrudge the fact that you did not tell them the whole story.


Be at peace,

Z

Peanut2011

OP, what you are looking to do is not in their benefit. If you tell your kids that way, that will drive divide between you, your kids and your husband. Do you want them to hate one of you?

Would you feel ok if he said to them why he went and cheated?

There is time and place for everything, burdening your kids that young with this stuff will only make their life more difficult than it has to be.

I really hope you can wake up and see what you are doing wrong here before the harm is done.

Beruthiel

Zen65 wrote: »

If it were me in your position I would simply tell the children that the relationship between you and your husband is not working, and you do not love each other the way you once did. Reinforce the message that you both love them every bit as much as you always did. This is really the only important message they need to hear.

OP, this is what I did when I split from my daughters father.

If there is one piece of advice I would give you here, it is that you do not take out how you feel about him on your children. Do not use them as a weapon.
Yes, your children deserve to know the truth. But you are not lying to them by omitting the truth of his affair.
For them to know this will not make the split any easier on them and why would you want your children to resent their father?
He maybe a lousy husband, but is he a lousy father?

If he loves them, and they he, do not damage that at this point in their lives if you can manage it.
Later, as they become adults and ask questions, you can answer honestly. Most likely they will work it out themselves.

Though you may be very upset with their father, do your best to be consistent parents.

Best of luck, the next few months won't be easy, keep your chin up.

i reckon m going against most of the advice here BUT if your kids ask i would advise telling them.
not details obviously but i would say that daddy has a new girlfriend, or had a girlfriend. maybe not to the 11 year old, however the older kids will tell them!!

im a product of a broken home and a father that had many many affairs.
he also had other kids that i have never met and unlikely to ever meet.

i didnt find out the truth about what happened till i was an adult and to be honest i felt angry that i was left in the dark for so long, and that he just cruised along like he was blameless.

it felt like i didnt have the details and i couldnt trust my father as he wasnt the man i always thought growing up.
it did cause problems.
i do believe honesty is the best policy. dont blame him or badmouth him in the way you say it, but if they want to know tell them. let them know you both love them.

why should you cover for him? surely he can explain his own behaviour to his own kids? if he is a good father he will continue to be and your kids arent going to suddenly hate him overnight.

curlzy

Hey OP
Your husband sounds like a right scumbag. Go to a solicitor, get YOUR family and friends support and get strong because he certainly sounds emotionally abusive. Tell your children the truth, that you and their Dad are splitting up because you don't love each other any more and that you will both see them regularly and that they are still the most important thing in the world to you. If your husband didn't sound like the scumbag that he is I would tell you not to tell them about the affair until they ask but as he sounds almost sociopathic I would get in there first with the truth, that their dad has met someone else and that you need to split up. I'm sure he'll come up with some crazy lies about you if you don't. OP yeah your kids come first but you're not a martyr, you need to look after yourself so that you'll be able to care for them. Of course you can get him out of the house, luckily for you the Family Law in this country is hugely sexist against men, you got the ovaries, so you hold all the cards. Get to a solicitor.

Best of luck.


DISCLAIMER: I don't agree with sexist family laws, but as this is RI/PI I think it's in the OP's interest to know she holds all the cards.

BoardsMember

This is good advice...

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP
Tell your children the truth, that you and their Dad are splitting up because you don't love each other any more and that you will both see them regularly and that they are still the most important thing in the world to you.

This is not..

curlzy wrote: »

If your husband didn't sound like the scumbag that he is I would tell you not to tell them about the affair until they ask but as he sounds almost sociopathic I would get in there first with the truth

Tell him that you are prepared to tell them that you split up because you dont love each other any more, but that if he tries to deviate from this reason when he talks to them that you will tell them everything, and remind him that if this happens that you can make life very difficult for him indeed, so he needs to play ball.

Ickle Magoo

BoardsMember, It is for the OP to decide what advice to take on board or what to ignore, posters should be offering their own helpful, civil, constructive advice, not critiquing or flaming the advice other posters have offered.

If you have an issue with a post or poster then use the report function.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

Smashhits

Hi OP
I've read all the replies on this and I agree with most.

I was, only last year, in the same position and I did tell my children (then 11 & 17) why the separation happened.

I didn't tell them in graphic detail but explained that as we were arguing all the time that dad was going to move out to make life easier, until we sorted out our differences. As it turned out the kids (they're not as thick as we make out) had suspicions.

When he finally admitted the cheating I told the kids that there was another person involved. I wouldn't badmouth (still don't) him to them. They will make their own minds up about their father in the future, I was very hurt by his deceit but decided to be the best mum to my kids that I could.
I don't like lies, no matter how small so I would always go with honesty being the best policy.

Get yourself some legal advice, tell his cronies keep their nose out of your business. Look after yourself and your kids OP. They need the status quo to remain the same as best you can.

ash23

OP I was in the same boat a few years ago. my partner of 5 years cheated on me. However, I didn't find out until he left me for her. Initially I told my daughter nothing of the affair. She was only 6 (not his).
However it backfired on me because it looked like I was leaving him (as he made us move out) and she was very very angry with me even though I was telling her it was both of us etc etc.
Anyway, I had to tell her when she came home from his house one day absolutely in bits and refused to say anything.
It turned out that he had stuck a photo of him and his new girlfriend kissing on the fridge. My daughter had seen it and was so upset as she didn't know how to deal with it. Bearing in mind she was only gone 6 and we had only moved out a week before.
I had to tell her I knew about the girl and as a result she twigged it had been going on before we split.
It didn't really affect her opinion of him. However it helped her to understand what had happened.

But every child is different and you know your own kids best. And you will just have to read the situation when you tell them about the breakup and see how to handle it and what responses to give.

dearg lady

Smashhits wrote: »

Hi OP
I've read all the replies on this and I agree with most.

I was, only last year, in the same position and I did tell my children (then 11 & 17) why the separation happened.

I didn't tell them in graphic detail but explained that as we were arguing all the time that dad was going to move out to make life easier, until we sorted out our differences. As it turned out the kids (they're not as thick as we make out) had suspicions.

When he finally admitted the cheating I told the kids that there was another person involved. I wouldn't badmouth (still don't) him to them. They will make their own minds up about their father in the future, I was very hurt by his deceit but decided to be the best mum to my kids that I could.
I don't like lies, no matter how small so I would always go with honesty being the best policy.

Get yourself some legal advice, tell his cronies keep their nose out of your business. Look after yourself and your kids OP. They need the status quo to remain the same as best you can.

+1 I think it's important to tell the kids the truth but not to badmouth your ex...as difficult as that might be... tell them in a matter of fact way, don't try to influence their opinion of their father.
From my personal experience, badmouthing, and too much information is a bad thing, but given brief details of the facts is fine.

nicechick!

unregistered wrote: »

My husband of 10 years (partner of more) cheated on me. I had my suspicions, but I actually had to basically catch him in the act to force him to admit it. I have ended the relationship, and now he wants me to lie to our kids (ages 15, 13 11) about why we have separated. I have never ever lied to my children-when someone is ill, or dies or has problems I have never sugar coated it. I speak to them like adults and hope this will give them an understanding of life, and how it's sometimes harsh. I fully intended to tell our kids that dad met someone else and mom cannot forgive an affair so we have to live apart. He, his family and some friends have called me and called to my house basically accusing me of child abuse and calling me spiteful b***h and will call social services. I am not spiteful -I only want to tell my kids the truth because I encourage them to be honest and value honesty myself. I have raised them in such a way that they understand honesty and I don't want them to be 16, 18 and have to sit down and explained I lied for years. Is this reasonable??

There is a time and place to tell your children personally regardless of your personnel hurt he there father has caused he is there father. I don't you would like your children to have to distrust or even dislike there father though he has upset you he is and I assume will still have an influence/involvement in there future.

Though its very admirable that you have open honest relationship with your children I think this is in fact your personnel business between you and there father, he hurt you directly by his actions but that is your romantic relationship not the parenting role.

He and his friends & family are being a tad bit over dramatic in this and tell them to butt out! it is between you and there father to resolve though its important to talk to talk to your children I don't think telling them that he was ehh with some other chick is the way to go

up for anything

nicechick! wrote: »

he hurt you directly by his actions but that is your romantic relationship not the parenting role.

That is not true. When deciding to start and affair and carry it on he put his own want and needs before his role as as a father. If he took his responsibilities as a parent seriously he would have thought twice before beginning something which would, if found out, inevitably have serious repercussions for them and if he still wanted to break up his marriage he should have gone about it in an open and honest manner for their sakes. It would have been difficult but not half as difficult as the position he has placed the OP in.

Honesty is the best policy with children. You don't have to give them the nitty gritty affair details but in my opinion they should know it happened and it is because you can't stay with him because of it due to broken trust if that is the case. His family sound like complete low lifes and you should take nothing they say into account when making your decision about what to tell them. It does sound though like your husband will do his best to place the blame on you regardless of what you tell them.

It might be an idea to get in contact with some counselling groups and ask them for ideas on to broach it with them and what terms to couch it in. The ones I know of are Rainbows for the 11 year old and Teen Between for the older children.

Abi

up for anything wrote: »

That is not true. When deciding to start and affair and carry it on he put his own want and needs before his role as as a father.

Couldn't agree more with this. If the OP's husband didn't feel the same way about her, he should have left first then moved on. He did it arse about face, without considering the effect it could have on his children. These things have a way of outing themselves regardless, and by covering up the fact that he cheated on his wife, it's reinforcing that behaviour. What he did is wrong, and the children must understand this.


If I were the OP I would tell him that it's not acceptable, and that they should sit down together with the children and explain things, though regardless of the change they both love them, and are there for them. If they show some unity on the matter, it may help the children to process it, and that nobody is being blamed. Children will always look for a reason why, they're not babies, they need some (truthful) version of what has happened.


As for the people calling in, well they need to be told to fuck right off, and to stay out of your business.