How to be happy with my weight?

LegacyUser

I was out the other night with my friend we''ll call him Dan. I live far from the city centre and was meant to stay at my friend lets call him Liam's house, however Liam was getting cosy with a girl and I didn't want to intrude so asked Dan could i stay in his house and he said yes. It ended up being just me and him and we had a great time and to be honest i thought, as I have always had a soft spot for him, that something might happen.

Fast forward to the end of then night. Dan met a girl on the street and it became obvious that my presence wasn't required so i went to Liam's house who wasn't home yet to sleep in my car forgetting Dan had my car keys! Got all the way back down to the part of town he was in and called him and he let me wait 15 mins before coming to meet me to give me my keys, holding the hand of this girl as we went.

What has this got to do with my weight? Well for me everything. I feel that if i was slim and really pretty this kind of crap wouldn't happen to me, no way would he have let me go without making certain i had a place to stay and maybe it would have been me he was kissing and not her. I blame my weight for everything. I am at weight watchers and and am losing weight slowly however part of me doesn't want to lose the weight as i want to meet a guy who likes me exactly the way that i am now. I feel that when i do lose the weight, i will resent male attention as i didn't get it at 17st 7lbs (5'11 so i carry it pretty well).

I have seen girls bigger than me who have boyfriends and look so happy so i know it's not my weight. I think it's my thoughts, that i am too fat to find a guy or be treated decently by my guy friends. I would love to be happy in my skin, exactly the way that i am, lose weight slowly and feel good about it.

How do i stop focusing on my weight as being this big barrier to living a full life (which it is not in reality) and get the hell on with it? How do i diminish my issues with my body, which is in full working order, a blessing and something to be proud of?

G-Money

OP I am male, a similar height to you and a similar weight. I too have occasionally thought I would like girls to like me as I am now and while some have, the truth is that I don't like me how I am now.

I can understand why you might resent guys for liking the thin you versus the bigger you, but that's not really fair on people who never met you when you were bigger. They might have liked you bigger, they might not, but to a certain extent it's a futile exercise as you can't really reprimand new people for things other people did or didn't do, in the past.

I'm not a doctor but I'm going to assume your weight and height ratio are not the best. I'm basing this on what I know my own BMI and everything to be. So while it would be great if guys fell at your feet like you are now, you probably need to lose weight for your own health first of all.

I always think my own weight is a barrier to things; girls liking me, being able to do certain things - an example being that I turned down a couple of chances to go go-karting as I was afraid I'd either be too big for the race suits and/or I wouldn't be able to fit comfortably in the kart.

I would focus on that first, rather than sentencing any future guys to pay for the sins of those who overlooked you when you were bigger.

All the best OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I read your story and it made me quite mad. How could friends do that. So what if he was getting cosy with a girl on the street. He said you could stay at his. Friends don't do that to eachother.

Anyway about your weight, if it has always been an issue then keep up the dieting. slimming down is hard work but once you've done it your confidence. But don't do it for male attention. do it for yourself. MAke it a goal and a sense of achievement. Weightwatchers is fine but you need an exercise routine and keep it going. It may take two years to slim down but it'll be worth it. Maybe join or set up a walking club. low intensity excercise over long periods is the key to losing weight.

You probably say that you will resent male attention but no. you'll have an insight into men that a lot of girls who have been slim and grabbing male attention their whole lives.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your messages. My weight has been a problem for quite sometime now and i think that i have become quietly confident that i will be able to lose it. I have set myself small goals and already lost 10lbs so far. I know how you feel about not doing things because you are bigger like the karting. I have stopped myself doing so many things over the years due to my body issues and I am tired of it.

I was so insulted with how Dan treated me that night and i guess that i shouldn't blame it on my looks, but i guess it's just easier for me to boil it down to that rather than the fact that maybe my friendship isn't as important to him.


I watch how men act around my slimmer and prettier friends and frankly i'm jealous! I don't need every guy to fancy me, just one, however finding that one guy has proved difficult i think mostly because of the energy i give off because i am so unhappy with my weight.

I know I will get there eventually but the loneliness is difficult. My last boyfriend adored me and i was even bigger then so i guess there's your proof, it's not all guys, just the shallow ones like Dan.


Do you think guys sometimes put more sway into what their friends think of the girl they are with than what they think of the girl themselves?

Zen65

weightyissues wrote: »

I watch how men act around my slimmer and prettier friends and frankly i'm jealous! I don't need every guy to fancy me, just one, however finding that one guy has proved difficult i think mostly because of the energy i give off because i am so unhappy with my weight.

Many of my friends growing up were more attractive than me, more manly than me, more silver-tongued than me and, most tellingly, braver than me when it came to the game of love. There are two ways you can react to this, one being to seethe quietly with jealousy, the other being to try copy some aspects of their habits.... specifically those habits which make them successful.

For me, it was copying their bravery which made the difference. Everything else just fell into place once I ditched the fear of taking the initiative.

The problem with the quiet seething jealousy is that although you don't think you're being obvious about it the reality is that others see it. Bitterness of any type seeps out of us through our body language, our words, and our choices.

Op, you attribute your unhappiness to your weight, even though in your post you mention how heavier girls have boyfriends, and your own ex-boyfriend from a time when you were heavier.

I blame my weight for everything

I have seen girls bigger than me who have boyfriends and look so happy so i know it's not my weight.

It's not your weight that is the problem, it's you.

That might sound harsh, but I certainly don't mean it that way. I say "it's you" because reading your posts I can feel the palpable bitterness in your tone and in your analysis of the events around you. I imagine if you were telling me the story in a cafe I'd see your teeth grit occasionally as you think about the fun these other people are having, and how awfully you've been treated.

From what I'm reading, you're treating yourself badly. That is the start and end of your problems. There may be some other bits in the middle that are not about how you are treating yourself, but most people cope with the same setbacks without turning bitter.

Somewhere in your head there is a sane spot which recognises that you are a good person and deserving of love, just as you hinted in your post:

...however part of me doesn't want to lose the weight as i want to meet a guy who likes me exactly the way that i am now. I feel that when i do lose the weight, i will resent male attention as i didn't get it at 17st 7lbs ...

You know you're worth it then. Yet even now, knowing that you can lose the weight, you are envisioning yourself carrying the resentment you feel now into your future. That resentment is far more off-putting than your weight, so you need to ditch it just as fast as you ditch the pounds at Weightwatchers.

So here's my diet plan for you, I hope you take some of it to heart:

• Keep losing the weight. Although it's not the problem for others it is a problem for you, both in terms of your health (17st is too heavy for 5'11") and your self-image.
• Make sure that your lifestyle change which is driving this weight loss includes plenty of physical activity appropriate for your age & fitness.
• Do make sure not to lose too much weight, it's equally unhealthy. Don't get carried away just because you think you can!!
• Each day, count the number of negative things you think about yourself and others. Keep track with a diary
• Also keep track of the positive things you think about yourself and others.
• At the end of each week count the number of positive and negative thoughts you've had. If the ratio is less than 2 (good) to 1 (bad) then start positive affirmation techniques each morning when you wake up.
• Keep repeating the re-affirmation techniques each morning, and if necessary each lunchtime and evening until you find yourself believing in a practical way that you are a really good, interesting, beautiful person. It's not enough to simply know it in a academic way - you need to believe it and live it!
• In tandem with your diet, review your wardrobe. As your body changes shape your clothes will no longer be flattering to your figure, so some investment in new clothes is inevitable. Buy clothes that emphasise your slimmer waistline.
• Don't be afraid to buy clothes that show your curves!! Most men* would agree that Nigella Lawson is one of the most attractive women on TV, yet she's not a skinny woman by any means.
• Ask trusted friends about your style of clothing. Consider a "personal shopper" in some of the bigger retail stores (many provide the service for free)
• Include a review of your hair and make-up regimes. If you want to change inside, changing outside is often a good start.

It may sound dreadfully trite to say it, but learning to love yourself is the best way to encourage others to see what's so lovable about you.


Be at peace,

Z

* or maybe it's just me that thinks it?

TL;DR? - Ditch the bitterness, it's dragging you down.

C-J

Op i don't know a single girl whos happy with their weight, whether they be 20 stone or 7 stone. My best friend Joe has a girlfriend is very heavy for height, but I have never seen a couple so much in love. It's all down to positive thinking and your attitude. You sound like a beautiful person so keep pluggin away at the diet and exercise and hopefully your confidence will soar as you begin to see results and you can see how beautiful you are. Believe me I've had my own issues with weight, I'm still battling to get up to a normal weight after years of being underweight and doing so much damage to myself by not eating enough and general body dysmorphia. Stay healthy and sensible and I guarantee you'll see results x i wish you all the best x