mother and daughter relationship

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Going unreg for this one. Thanks to all who read this, it's a long one.

So a bit of background: My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I was at least 12 years old (if not earlier). It was around the age of 12 that my parents split up (for various reasons, my dad was unfaithful etc). Over the years I have tried numerous times to support my mum in "getting off the drink" however this has never been successful and through alot of counselling I have since learned that I will never influence her decisions and cannot stop her drinking. She has put me and my siblings through alot over the years (if I went into all the bits and pieces I'd end up writing a book). Suffice to say these experiences were very traumatic - pretending to OD and being taken to hospital, pretending to throw herself out a window etc. It got so bad that during my levaing cert exams I had to moce in with my uncle (my mum's brother) because I couldn't cope with her behaviour.

Fastforward to now and I am in my early twenties, moved away and went to college, got my degree and and now professionally working in the area that I studied. I also have a great boyfriend and great friends. Throughout my mum's alcoholism I always spoke with her and tried to have a relationship with her but about 6 months ago things came to a head - I went to my hometown to visit and found her there drunk (not unusual) and saying she wanted to die. After this, I told her it was her last chance with me to clean up her act (oh the number of times this was said before) and she promised to do so (again I can't sount how many times she has said this). She didn't keep her word so I have completely cut contact with her. I am also attending counselling again because I found this very difficult.

It is important to say that I have an older sister, not living in the country and a younger brother, living with my mum.

I'm really not looking for sympathy here, I would just like to know if anyone else has experienced similar things to this and did they cut contact? My sister (and her boyfriend) are really judgemental of all that I have done, as are some of my friends. Now I know I shouldn't let what other people think bother me but it does. Can anyone suggest how I can explain it to them properly (without the gorey details) as I just want people to understand that I'm not a bad person. Anyone with similar expereinces are welcome.

Thanks

LegacyUser

Sorry, I just wanted to state that when I described the last time I went home and my mum said "she wanted to die" this was a threat that carried no weight - she was not suicidal and was drunk at the time. Just incase people think I wasn't concerned or didn't take the appropriate action.

OP.

meganj

Op, I’m afraid I have no direct experience of what your going through but I do know what it’s like to cut a parent out of your life.

You’ve made a good decision to go back to counseling, have you discussed you wanting to cut contact with your Mother? He/She might be able to discuss the options with you, mediation, family therapy, or just cutting the cord.

The thing that really stuck me was that people have been judgmental about you reaching this decision, well feck them. This is about you, it is your decision. You have tried to be supportive to your mother and from the sounds of it it comes at great cost to you. People will always have an opinion, for most people they can’t imagine putting themselves in the position of cutting a prent out of their lives and so probably think you are being ‘trigger happy’ or over-reacting. You’re not.

The only person who is in a position to understand where you’re coming from and what it has taken to make this decision is you. If any of your friends, sister, whoever has a problem with that, tell them to walk a mile in your shoes and then see what they would do.

Growing up with a parent who is an addict you learn to be the carer and to put your own needs well down the list of priorities. Right now you need to start looking after yourself, if this is what you need to do to survive then do it. Don’t let anyone else’s opinion color your experiences.

If you feel you need to explain to people why you have made this decision (and IMHO you most certainly do not need to explain anything to anyone) then I would simply say why you reached that decision concisely, clearly and only once. If they continue to bring it up or are critical of your actions then simply say I’m sorry but this is my decision, my life, and my happiness at stake, so unless you want to go back in time and live my life for me keep your mouth shut.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

I've been exactly where you are & fair play to you for making such a hard decision, it's not easy to do or follow through with.

My experience with people like your sister who have an addict in the family but have nicely taken themselves out of the equation as helper monkeys (and not judging anyone who does this, I don't think anyone should have to go through the misery an alcoholic or addict in the family can cause) by moving away or otherwise absenting themselves is that they can be very judgey & p1ssy when the support system they thought they had left in place gets up and says 'no more'. I honestly wouldn't discuss it any further with her than 'You know how bad Mam is now, you know that nothing we've done has helped her. I've tried & she doesn't want my help she just wants me to stick around while she drinks herself into the ground. If you want to deal with that then I won't get in your way but I can't do it anymore'. She lives abroad, she's removed from the situation and she can't ask you to remain in it.

Unfortunately people who haven't lived with an addict or otherwise had personal experience with addiction tend not to have a clue about it. You probably will get a lot of friends raising eyebrows and asking 'would you not try get her into rehab or something' like you've never thought of or tried such a thing I don't think anyone who hasn't had that sick feeling in their stomach when they realised that someone who is supposed to be sober and has only recently been bawling their eyes out to you telling you they'd "do anything to make it up to you & they'll be a different person now & everything will be ok" is drunk, again, and they really aren't going to stop can properly understand why you'd have to remove a parent/sibling/friend from your life.

The best I came up with to explain to people around me was that my sibling didn't want to get better at the moment & that I had indeed done everything and anything that they might suggest in order to help them get better to the point that my mental health was being affected and I could no longer support them without ending up very unwell myself. And then change the subject. If they really do judge you for what you've had to do then they're not particularly good friends in the first place.

Keep an eye out for your brother now, with your sister abroad & you no longer in contact with your mam you don't want him to feel like he's on his own

Miss Fluff

You'll find that oftentimes professionals who specialise in addiction and addiction therapy suggest that loved ones sometimes have to completely wash their hands of the person with the addiction. Or that they have to reach rock bottom. If it feels right then it's right.

How very dare anyone cast aspertions or judge you on how you've dealt with this. You've evidently put up with years of sh1t so I wouldn't give two hoots what people say. Also, if your older sister is that genuinely concerned for your mother's welfare perhaps suggest to her that she demonstrate such by relocating back to Ireland? :rolleyes:

It's time for you to think of yourself hon. Keep the lines of communication open insofar as perhaps write your Mother a letter telling her that you love her and need her to seek treatment but that she needs to do that for herself. Then work on your own life and your own happiness, your Mother's situation is evidence in itself that we really are responsible for ourselves.

Beruthiel

meganj wrote: »

If you feel you need to explain to people why you have made this decision (and IMHO you most certainly do not need to explain anything to anyone) then I would simply say why you reached that decision concisely, clearly and only once. If they continue to bring it up or are critical of your actions then simply say I’m sorry but this is my decision, my life, and my happiness at stake, so unless you want to go back in time and live my life for me keep your mouth shut.

OP, I have no direct experience on what your life was like, but it was no way for a parent to bring up a child.
How you decide to deal with it now is your business.
You owe this woman nothing for the way she treated you and as megan said above, make your decision and tell people to back off and keep their opinions to themselves. You're not interested.

You need to look to the future and your happiness.
What you don't need to be worrying about is what other people think of your decision. Time you stopped caring about that.

I find, when I come to a decision, one that's right for me, I don't give a toss what people think of it. It's my life and I'll do what's necessary in order to make it a happy one.
Be confident. Best of luck.

greengirl31

OP, I've been there and done that and to say it's horrible is an understatement. My mum and dad split up and her drinking got worse and worse. I was the oldest and lived with my mum through alot of this and while it would break my heart to see her not being able to string a sentence together after 6/7 o'clock in the evening and to hear her sobbing cause everything in her life was sh1t. It never occurred to her that the drink was causing (or a huge contributor) to this misery and that she had a family around her that loved her. She'd have the odd moment that she'd open up to me - sober - and say she was giving up the drink and I'd tell her I'd help her in any way I could. She would give it up for a while but within a few weeks something trivial would happen and she'd be off for her bottle again.

I stopped trying to persuade her to give it up years ago cause she just wasn't interested, she always had an excuse not to but really she didn't want to. She is the type too that the more she's told she can't do something, the more she'll dig her heels in and do it anyway. So I backed off !! I moved out a couple of years ago and my sister moved back in. Her and my brother used to ring me telling me what a state Mam was in and how worried they were about her (I got none of these phone calls when I was living with her making sure that she actually had something to eat every day) and what were "WE" going to do about it. The fact was, there was nothing we could do, she had to do it by herself - or make the decision to do something herself.

Then a couple of weeks ago, there was a bit of a breakthrough. It seemed like any normal Sunday but something seemed to snap inside my mum and she had decided she'd reached the infamous "rock bottom". She actually admitted that she was an alcoholic and that she needed help - something she'd never done before. She came to me with this first and I told her that we'd help her in any way we could but she would have to get some sort of professional help because we weren't fully equipped to deal with this. So she took herself off to an Aware meeting (history of depression also) and my brother got her a list of AA meetings in the area and she's been going to them for a week or so now. It's still early days yet but we're all so proud of her as I'm can only imagine how difficult this is for her.

Anyway, I suppose my advice to you is casually distance yourself from your Mum and the drinking. If your mum is sober in the mornings, or early in the day, perhaps give her a call once or twice a week to see how she is but don't focus on the drinking - in fact don't mention it at all. And as for other people, including your own family, you don't have to answer to them. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and know you've done all you can- which you have. If your mum ever decides to give up well then you can all rally around her then but until she decides she wants to get better there's nothing anyone can do for her. I've never been myself but perhaps attending some of the alanon meetings might help you (and your siblings)

Good luck and don't be hard on yourself
A

curlzy

Hey OP,

My mam is an alcoholic, a violent one at that but thankfully for me, she's also a very strong woman and has been in recovery and alcohol free for 22 years. I've memories of when she drank and they're very dark and nasty memories but she kicked it and I've way more brilliant memories than bad ones. I've spoken at length about alcoholism with her and I've had friends go through similar things as you and got advise for them from her.

This is what she says: You can't cure an alcoholic EVER, you can't trust an active alcoholic EVER, you should never sacrifice yourself or your happiness for an alcoholic, they won't thank you for it. If they continue to drink (with all that that entails) you need to remove yourself. Go to Alanon, it's a support group for people copping with alcoholic family members/partners etc. That's advise from a recovered alcoholic so I feel it's pertinent.

With regards to the judgemental people that feel you should be around a toxic person that's wrought distruction on your life thusfar, this is what you should say to them "Go F*CK yourself":mad::mad::mad: Honestly OP, those people are total tools. If it was your father and he was sexually abusing you would they tell you you have to stay in contact? Well how the f*ck is emotional abuse any less? And threatening to kill herself for attention IS emotional abuse. Seriously OP, I've very angry on your behalf. Please remember you have nothing to feel guilty about, she does. She's negatively impacted your life for years and you're supposed to forgive and forget because you came from her vagina?????? Cop bloody on those people! So yeah I wouldn't put up with that from anyone. From now on if someone starts that tell them to mind their own ****ing business, jesus the neck of some people!!!

Sorry lost the run of myself there:o So yeah to sum up, you are completely and 100% in the right to remove yourself from a toxic situation. I think there's a good book on that called "toxic parents" or something along those lines that could be good. Try to get to an alanon meeting, they're a wonderful source of support.

The very best of luck OP.

nicechick!

unreg1212 wrote: »

Hi guys,

Going unreg for this one. Thanks to all who read this, it's a long one.

So a bit of background: My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I was at least 12 years old (if not earlier). It was around the age of 12 that my parents split up (for various reasons, my dad was unfaithful etc). Over the years I have tried numerous times to support my mum in "getting off the drink" however this has never been successful and through alot of counselling I have since learned that I will never influence her decisions and cannot stop her drinking. She has put me and my siblings through alot over the years (if I went into all the bits and pieces I'd end up writing a book). Suffice to say these experiences were very traumatic - pretending to OD and being taken to hospital, pretending to throw herself out a window etc. It got so bad that during my levaing cert exams I had to moce in with my uncle (my mum's brother) because I couldn't cope with her behaviour.

Fastforward to now and I am in my early twenties, moved away and went to college, got my degree and and now professionally working in the area that I studied. I also have a great boyfriend and great friends. Throughout my mum's alcoholism I always spoke with her and tried to have a relationship with her but about 6 months ago things came to a head - I went to my hometown to visit and found her there drunk (not unusual) and saying she wanted to die. After this, I told her it was her last chance with me to clean up her act (oh the number of times this was said before) and she promised to do so (again I can't sount how many times she has said this). She didn't keep her word so I have completely cut contact with her. I am also attending counselling again because I found this very difficult.

It is important to say that I have an older sister, not living in the country and a younger brother, living with my mum.

I'm really not looking for sympathy here, I would just like to know if anyone else has experienced similar things to this and did they cut contact? My sister (and her boyfriend) are really judgemental of all that I have done, as are some of my friends. Now I know I shouldn't let what other people think bother me but it does. Can anyone suggest how I can explain it to them properly (without the gorey details) as I just want people to understand that I'm not a bad person. Anyone with similar expereinces are welcome.

Thanks

No one understands unless faced with the situation coming from personal experience for the sake of my own personnel well being I have completely stopped trying to help my brother who has a serious problem with addiction, oddly I have never come across anyone who has judged me on this basis alone. I didn't cut all contact however I gave up on the guilt, concern, worry driving myself demented over his issues!

You are not answerable to your sister nor do you have to give an explanation she is very quick to judge you but yet she has completed removed herself from the situation with your mother (and leaving the responsibility of caring/minding her to you)! You are in fact not a bad person you remind me of myself sick and tired of the same old excuse, the same old threats at a huge personnel cost to you!

Counselling is great keep it up! Good luck

Ham Sambo

My God you poor thing. I have to admire you for what you have achieved for yourself in life considering what a struggle you went through to get there, Well done to you!.
Like some of the other posters have said you have to draw a line somewhere in all of this and get on with your own life. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks so much to you all for your support. In reply to some of your statements, I have been discussing my decision to cut my mum off with my counsellor and she's offered me some very good advice - it's something that I'll continue to work on in my sessions. I also do try to keep in contact with my brother through text and phonecalls, and anytime I'm home I meet up with him - he's very reluctant to talk about anything yet but I hope with time he'll understand that I'm still here for him even though I'm not in Mum's life.

Curlzy, this advice really struck me, I'm so thankful to you for posting it:

You can't cure an alcoholic EVER, you can't trust an active alcoholic EVER, you should never sacrifice yourself or your happiness for an alcoholic, they won't thank you for it. If they continue to drink (with all that that entails) you need to remove yourself.

I've been second guessing my decision to cut contact for so long but as it so happens something happened this week to make me remember just how twisted my mother can be when she's actively drinking. My grandad (my dad's dad) suddenly passed away at the weekend leaving us all very upset. All my mum could do was ring me *drunk* and give out to me for not staying in the house with her while I was at home attending the funeral. She then proceeded to tell me that I wasn't allowed to sit with the family during the actual funeral in the chapel (even though this has nothing to do with her as she is my dads ex wife - I think she was just trying to get a reaction from me). I've just had enough now, regardless of what people think anymore I'm not contacting her again while she's drinking/actively an alcoholic.

All I can say is thanks so much for all your support guys! It's good to know that I'm not being selfish and that I'm entitled to make these decisions. It's tough but I feel like I'm finally doing things for me and not everyone else. Thanks xx