Cannot get along with father

38141

I've been having trouble with my father for the past 10 years or so, ('tis a long time to be sure!) and matters are quickly coming to a head now because I'm living at home, unemployed, in my early 30s(male) and he wants me out of the house. I can't get on with him because he's a chancer/liar and I have no respect for him. I find him very 'economical with the truth', and is inclined to say whatever is required in order to achieve his desired outcome from the situation. I've called him a chancer on numerous occasions and I'm just not cut from the same cloth at all. I cannot stand lies, big or small, from anyone.

One way or another, I'll soon be leaving the house, even though my mother doesn't really want me (especially not on bad terms). I don't really want to stay here because I may have somewhere else to go. What I realise now is that if I do leave, without resolving the conflict, I will probably have the baggage to bear in the distant land where I'm headed. It isn't down the road I'll be headed at all, it's quite a ways longer than that, almost to the other side of the world.

I'm basically trying to work out a way of sorting this out to the point where I can get on with my life and try to make something with it before it's too late.

Taltos

Maybe one approach to take is to take the higher road here.

1. Accept that he is not going to change. Now that means accepting all that is he - and all of the disappointments that brings as a result.
2. Focus on one or two good things - loves your mum or bought you that toy car when you were 3 (even if he appropriated it..).

Now - go to him - just tell him you love him and that you will miss both of your parents while you are away.
Acknowledge to him that you know it was tough for him and your mum to support you over the last while but that you really appreciate all of the extra efforts they have gone to over the last few years.

Now - who knows he might respond in kind - but if he doesn't - if he tries to needle you - look above - accept it as him being him and not being able to change....
Remember - just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you don't love them...

Best of luck though with your move - hope you find a way to work it out until you go.

LegacyUser

To be honest I wouldn't expect anything from your father. Just make sure you leave on good terms. Even if he is a bad'un, a liar, a cheat, etc. etc. he is still your dad and you are still his son. Even if he doesn't give anything in return, take the high ground, shake his hand, and wish him well. Don't apologise for anything. But make a point of leaving him on good terms. Seriously. You'll appreciate it on your deathbed. Life is too bloody short.

I say this as a guy who lost his dad when he was working in New Zealand for a year. And we left on very bad terms. He haunts me every day.

Ham Sambo

I agree with the rest of the posters, Some times the older generation don't know how to show any affection to their families, but it doesent mean that they don't love them. Not all families are 'lovey dovey' to each other (Hugs kisses etc), I think it has got to the stage where your 'ol man' has to keep this up because he doesen't know how to stop it. But you are his son and he is your father, sit him down some evening and explain this to him. they say you should never go to bed on an argument.

38141

Notworthit wrote: »

make a point of leaving him on good terms. Seriously. You'll appreciate it on your deathbed. Life is too bloody short.

I say this as a guy who lost his dad when he was working in New Zealand for a year. And we left on very bad terms. He haunts me every day.

I am thinking and feeling like I should just walk out and not even say where it is I'm headed - that would be the best way of telling them how I feel. I've already been told by him to get out, threatened to call gardai, etc.

Basically what I'm doing in his eyes is turning my mum (ie his wife) against him. He's been responding in kind by turning her against me, saying I'm a bully, etc.

I want to walk out and say 'thanks for nothing you c***'.

"And don't ever send me an email again by the way - I came back with the intention of sorting this out and youre totally impossible'.

Taltos

What will doing that gain you?
Short term - yes you may feel great - but later - when he dies or you are on the other side of the world - little words like that can haunt you.

Would you not be better off leaving as you plan - but at least in your own head trying to make peace.
"I'm leaving for XYZ, sorry we never learnt to get along Dad. Mum I'll miss you loads."
And if he starts anything - pretty much guaranteed. - Don't rise to it - let him get it off his chest and then
"Is that all you can say for the last time you see me? I had really hoped we could find some way to get along but clearly having a relationship with me doesn't matter as much to you as I had hope it would. No matter what I do care for you. Bye".

Basically adopt the higher ground here. If your dad cannot be the adult - then you have to assume that role.

38141

Taltos wrote: »

What will doing that gain you?
Short term - yes you may feel great - but later - when he dies or you are on the other side of the world - little words like that can haunt you.

Would you not be better off leaving as you plan - but at least in your own head trying to make peace.
"I'm leaving for XYZ, sorry we never learnt to get along Dad. Mum I'll miss you loads."
And if he starts anything - pretty much guaranteed. - Don't rise to it - let him get it off his chest and then
"Is that all you can say for the last time you see me? I had really hoped we could find some way to get along but clearly having a relationship with me doesn't matter as much to you as I had hope it would. No matter what I do care for you. Bye".

Basically adopt the higher ground here. If your dad cannot be the adult - then you have to assume that role.

I'm adopting the higher ground by leaving anyway.

The only thing is it will inevitably occupy my mind and probably negatively affect my mood after leaving, unless I can sort it out. But the way I would see it, that would be a fake fix. I want to get him back because he's wronging me.

loloray

38141 wrote: »

I want to get him back because he's wronging me.

Now, OP, maybe there's a load you're leaving out, but this seems totally vindictave.

You're not a teenager, you're in your thirties ffs. What are you doing sponging off your parents, destroying your parents' marriage, and complaining about the very person who is supporting you. If he's thought about calling the gardaí on you, it doesn't seem as if you're being a very good boy at all.

If you don't like it, get out, but you shouldn't have gone there in the first place, and you certainly don't have to make things ever worse once you're gone.

38141 wrote: »

I'm adopting the higher ground by leaving anyway.

???? Are you for real? You're living in HIS house, what's the 'lower ground' alternative - you live there forever, or HE leaves?!