Blew it but never knew it

Mickjg

Hey everyone,

Bit of background will be needed on this one. I moved to Chicago last year for college. Made great friends who lived on my floor in my apartment building (a college run building). There were several attractive girls, but there was this one whom caught my attention when I first met her. I had been in her apartment meeting her room mates and she had already gone to bed but when she heard a "foreign" guy was in the room she got up and came out and met me. After I found out she had a boyfriend of five years I never tried anything on.

The two of us went on to become very good friends, had lots of deep conversations, were there for each other when we were upset over something or needed someone to talk to. Many times I was there for her when she struggled with different things. We would go grocery shopping on Fridays, or go out to this or that. We were very close.

Things could be rocky at times, and we could get mad at each other. Sometimes I would accidently say something that would upset her but would never intend to.

Well she moved back to her home state and decided not to come back.

I found out about two weeks ago that she liked me. Really like me. Ready to leave her boy friend of five years, had a "hard time dealing with it" liked me. Truth is I liked her very much also. Yet, I had absolutely no idea at the time. If only she had said something I would have jumped all over it. We would have made a great couple. But I never got the message and she returned home. I feel awful. Her friend told me that she liked me and was very surprised when I told her I had no idea. This makes me think that maybe my friend thought I knew how she felt but chose to ignore it, and my fear is that anything I did to upset her amplified that. Looking back, I can now see that there were times when she was reaching out and I wasn't noticing.

Things would be so different if we had gotten together. She had a hard time dealing with being away from home, but the truth is she didn't really have that many friends, nowhere to really live, a difficult relationship with her mother and was unsure about her boyfriend (he had cheated in the past). Here, she would have me and so many great friends. Her course didn't work out for her and she decided not to continue at our college.

I really want to say something to her about it, but I was warned against doing that cause it could upset her and make her second guess her decision. In the end I want what's best for her; I just feel that the current situation isn't the best for her future.

Should I leave it be and support her in any way I can or let her know that I'm sorry I didn't pick up on her feelings?

Sigh. Thanks folks.

(sorry about the length!)

beks101

As it stands this is all second-hand information. You're not going to get the full picture without talking to your friend. If her feelings were/are that strong, why didn't she say anything or at least give you a hint, especially if she knew there was a chance she wouldn't be coming back to college?

To get any sort of insight into this I'd suggest you just contact her and mention what you've just heard. How far away is she and is there a chance you'll be seeing her soon? I really think it's one of those things that needs to be done face-to-face, it's too big a risk to do it via email/facebook etc, where the tone can be so easily misinterpreted.

Pick up the phone!

kylith

If she liked you so much then she could have left her boyfriend and been with you, but she didn't. I know that if I were that head-over-heels with someone I would end it with my BF on principal because it wouldn't be fair to him. Forget about her.

LegacyUser

You should tell her how you feel, OP. This is something that could play on your mind for a very long time. Whereas if you tell her and it doesn't work out, at least you have the benefit of closure. And what's life without taking risks? To avoid confusion, you should tell her everything that you've told us - you're not a bitter clingy ****, you want the best for her and at the end of the day you accept her decision. Maybe you could even show her this thread! Good luck

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

If she liked you so much then she could have left her boyfriend and been with you, but she didn't. I know that if I were that head-over-heels with someone I would end it with my BF on principal because it wouldn't be fair to him. Forget about her.

You're assuming a lot about her when you don't know her context. Breaking up can be complicated for a number of reasons. For example, how do you know she wasn't financially dependent on this guy? Maybe her family put pressure on her to stay with him? Also, sometimes people simply fall out of love with someone over time and develop strong feelings for another. Relationships are not so black and white - they emerge and develop with time and circumstances.

gmac102

Mickjg wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Bit of background will be needed on this one. I moved to Chicago last year for college. Made great friends who lived on my floor in my apartment building (a college run building). There were several attractive girls, but there was this one whom caught my attention when I first met her. I had been in her apartment meeting her room mates and she had already gone to bed but when she heard a "foreign" guy was in the room she got up and came out and met me. After I found out she had a boyfriend of five years I never tried anything on.

The two of us went on to become very good friends, had lots of deep conversations, were there for each other when we were upset over something or needed someone to talk to. Many times I was there for her when she struggled with different things. We would go grocery shopping on Fridays, or go out to this or that. We were very close.

Things could be rocky at times, and we could get mad at each other. Sometimes I would accidently say something that would upset her but would never intend to.

Well she moved back to her home state and decided not to come back.

I found out about two weeks ago that she liked me. Really like me. Ready to leave her boy friend of five years, had a "hard time dealing with it" liked me. Truth is I liked her very much also. Yet, I had absolutely no idea at the time. If only she had said something I would have jumped all over it. We would have made a great couple. But I never got the message and she returned home. I feel awful. Her friend told me that she liked me and was very surprised when I told her I had no idea. This makes me think that maybe my friend thought I knew how she felt but chose to ignore it, and my fear is that anything I did to upset her amplified that. Looking back, I can now see that there were times when she was reaching out and I wasn't noticing.

Things would be so different if we had gotten together. She had a hard time dealing with being away from home, but the truth is she didn't really have that many friends, nowhere to really live, a difficult relationship with her mother and was unsure about her boyfriend (he had cheated in the past). Here, she would have me and so many great friends. Her course didn't work out for her and she decided not to continue at our college.

I really want to say something to her about it, but I was warned against doing that cause it could upset her and make her second guess her decision. In the end I want what's best for her; I just feel that the current situation isn't the best for her future.

Should I leave it be and support her in any way I can or let her know that I'm sorry I didn't pick up on her feelings?

Sigh. Thanks folks.


Tell her, you dont want to be old and full of regrets! Life is too short not to follow your heart

kylith

indie90 wrote: »

You're assuming a lot about her when you don't know her context. Breaking up can be complicated for a number of reasons. For example, how do you know she wasn't financially dependent on this guy? Maybe her family put pressure on her to stay with him? Also, sometimes people simply fall out of love with someone over time and develop strong feelings for another. Relationships are not so black and white - they emerge and develop with time and circumstances.

That's a lot of suppositions your making yourself. The facts are that she allegedly liked the OP, gave no sign of it, then moved away. If she didn't tell him and moved to another state then she can't have been that mad about him. If she was mad about him but stringing along another guy for his money/familial duty/boredom then she's a wagon and the OP is better off without her.

We all have "What would have happened if I'd told them?" moments, but unless the OP is going to drop his life and move possibly thousands of miles for a girl who may or may not have fancied him then he's better off writing the whole thing off and getting on with his life instead of moping around.