Theres this girl...but she cant trust me.

DangerMouse27

Hi guys, long time member here.

Well i guess im looking for some advice on how to procede. Theres this girl, and im in love with her, i mean deep stuff but she does not trust me to not break her heart.

We started off a few years ago but we never could get a serious run going. I either was too detached or she was to really give something a serious go. But we became great friends who fancied and loved each other.
Over the course of a few years we saw other people, kept out of contact and re emerged still in love.
Im a guy so yeah ive done stupid things. I broke it up with her a little too quickly before, when talking would have solved everything.

We were just friends about six months ago, just hellos and the odd tea and il admit kiss, but i fell for her again and she for me. She said she still felt she could not trust me again and i thought that was fair enough. I tried to show her for 6 months that i could be trusted but i wanted her to make her own mind up.

It finally culminated in a nite club chat where she tried to kiss me and i said that i wanted everything and not just the kiss. The house, the dog, the mortgage, i wanted it all. She still felt that she could not trust me so i said, that had to be that and we agreed it would be, no more tea no more chats. Literally 5 mins later, a girl approached me and we got chatting. No kissing, just talking..i'm being honest. Two days later Girl A wanted me back. She had not known of Girl B but felt from my dog and house words that i was more mature.

Lets not joke around, i was crazy about Girl A, like tongue out of my face crazy but i felt that she had her chance,i had asked her for six months and she had said no.

We lost touch a little after that for a few weeks. Girl B was not Girl A so nothing much happened with her.
When i next met Girl A, we vibed like never before. She kissed me..proper kissed and told me she did love me. We floated around each other and then i got anchored, i fell again. It was always going to be that way, one of us 100% and the other 50/50.

She feels now that she just cant trust me. She loves me..i know that...shes told me. Ive committed myself in all but ring and bended knee. Will i ask her properly? How else can i get this girl to trust me? Il be asking with no ring, just a promise.
If i dont, we could lose each other for good.

IrishEyes19

She sounds like a complete headwreak and is using the excuse of "not trusting you" to keep you going around in circles.
People all make mistakes when they are young, ie, go out with different people, break hearts, get their own heart broken. But it appears by your post anyway, that you have your head straight and are completely ready to commit to this girl properly, so I dont understand what her issues are since you have admitted to her that you love her and she has to.
It sounds to me like commitment isnt her first priority but she does have feelings, however it isnt right for her to be stringing you along everytime. I would give a final ultimatim to her and if she choses to continue this round about manner, break contact completely.
I understand that right now she is the only girl for you, but you dont deserve to be kept hanging on either.
Love is never simple, that's a fact. But its not supposed to be a headwreck either, you havent mentioned that careers, money, baggage, ie kids, ex's are in the way, therefore I dont see why she cant give it a shot. We all have to risk getting hurt sometimes, it happens to the best of us. But if I loved someone coming from my perspective as a girl, nothing would stop me from being with that person, so for that reason I dont understand her motives. Best of luck.

Ham Sambo

Switch on your printer, print off a copy of this post and show it to her, it seems that you have done most of your talking in here instead of with her. If that doesent work then it's time to move on, best of luck.

DangerMouse27

Thanks IrishEyes. Yeah you are probably right, i guess it will come to that but who knows. The days of the week are named differently because they are not all the same.

HamSambo. We talk, a lot..like most people do. My first port of call was to her to tell her how i felt. Il leave the printer on standby just for the now.

IrishEyes19

DangerMouse27 wrote: »

Thanks IrishEyes. Yeah you are probably right, i guess it will come to that but who knows. The days of the week are named differently because they are not all the same.

HamSambo. We talk, a lot..like most people do. My first port of call was to her to tell her how i felt. Il leave the printer on standby just for the now.

It's tough going, but there are people in the world, OP, who will keep a saga going on and on if they could get away with it. I just think from the perspective of someone whose been in a relationship 100 percent and the other 50, it's utterly devestating at the end of the day when nothing has changed or progressed. Mentally exhausting is the only word that comes to mind and I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on it either.
I really dont believe the whole trust issue she says she has. It's a lame excuse not to commit. And to be honest sitting around waiting to see what happens is giving her the indication that you are in the palm of her hand. Im not trying of course to make her out to be a devil in this, only you know this girl properly, but shouldnt you be happy, I mean what love interest, or friend, or on and off girlfriend for want of a better word makes someone suffer like this, a good person would let that person go and not keep re-appearing when they know how that person feels and what they want. Just some food for thought here.

Elmidena

Losing each other for good would probably be healthier for both of you if it came to it, rather than this imbalanced relationship. Marriage does not a relationship save; it doesn't mean anything in terms of trust etc and if it ends there's a lot more expense and legal difficulties potentially.

I think you've been more than fair pandering to her over the years, and though she's interested in you as you've "matured"--she hasn't. Will she trust you five years from now? Ten? Do you want to spend that time thinking "I'm deeply in love with this girl but she doesn't trust me". This could mean never being able to do anything by yourself, her being paranoid about who you text or email or whatever, it might be even more of a headwreck.

Having said that, all is not lost. If you outright tell her how much her words have wounded you, she might be able to realise that she's protecting herself at the cost of hurting you and driving you away--if she loves you she will not want those things.

Do you think it's really love from her side OP? Or just ego stroking that someone has been there for years and will always stick around and jump when she says how high? I think the hot and cold behaviour between ye is something you need to sort otherwise at least one of you will have a very unhappy future as long as you're together.

I do appreciate that you love her, but in order for someone else to love you you have to love yourself. I'm sorry but staying with her while this malarky is going on doesn't sound like you are respecting your true value. You are a great person by the sounds of it and I wish you all the happiness in the world

booboo88

Have to agree with previous posters, if someone doesn't trust you, they dont love you.
I hate to say it but I think she wants to have the chase, but for it to lead to nothing and no relationship. Shes using trust issues as a ploy, but theyre her issues, not yours.

DangerMouse27

I always imagined that trust issues could be sorted out by...'Hey there, trust me!'
'Yeah no worries..done.'

I am glad i did put a bit huge effort into trying to regain that trust or otherwise i would never have known.
Its been a tough conundrum for me and her too i guess. And i know she does love me, its the one constant i can be sure of.

But: above posters. It just seems like thats just a word that she is using to block it off,maybe it is her own insecurities.
And also any posters that think i just gave up..i didnt. I did try to regain that trust.

beks101

What exactly is your sin here? Breaking it off with her 'a little too quickly' the first time ye were going out? Or is it something deeper?

Because I'm failing to understand why she is drawing this out and making you jump through hoops to 'win her trust' again, unless it's all a big ego game for her. It must be nice to have someone chasing after you, declaring their undying love for you at every opportunity.

I dunno OP, just don't make a fool of yourself here. There really is only so much you can do, and this is a 50/50 thing. You can only meet her halfway. You've made your feelings more than clear by now, on several occasions, the rest is really up to her. Let her come to you. I would even suggesting toning it down and stepping back for a while. Give her space and let her come to her own decision. 'If you love somebody, set them free' and all that. Let her know that you're there, but you can only do so much and wait so long. If she comes to you, great. If not, there's your answer.

But I think you've done enough chasing and enough proclaiming. It's her call now.

kylith

If you really, really, feel you have to, ask her if she wants a relationship - yes or no. No humming and hawing. If she says yes then great, if she says no then leave it at that. No more kissing, cups of tea or anything else.

If she says no but wants to keep everything else then it'd sound like she's using you as an ego boost and has no real feelings for you at all.

Red Hand

Find someone who actually likes you. When people come out with "I need trust" or "I'm confused", even after a couple of years of knowing each other, then there is something not quite right.

I'm sure when she finds someone who she really likes, she won't be confused or have trust issues. You are just an ego boost to her. Find someone who actually likes you as much as you like them.

DangerMouse27

beks101... Yeah i did break it off a little too quickly.


Thanks guys...sometimes its hard to see the wood from the trees when you feel your in the middle of the forest.
I am going to step back. The thing is, i am pretty level headed throughout this. So its best if i step back before i do get too in deep.