He's cheating. please help

LegacyUser

My future husband may be cheating

There have been warning signs for a longgg time but i guess I chose to ignore them.

Now I can't stop thinking about it.

How could he? Why? What's wrong with me?

I need to fix this.

Things got stale between us but he is the man of my dreams. I know everyone will say forget him, dump him, move on, but that's not what I want and my choice should be number 1 as I am the person being cheated on.

I've tried things already, i bought loads of sexy under clothes last week and tried them on saturday night but he just barely acknowledged me. I felt like an idiot lying there sexy and it seemed like a drag, like I had put him out by making him come see me after being away with work for the past 2 weeks. He shouldve been all over me but he barely saw me when he entered the house.

This hurts.

How can I fix this? Please don't tell me I can't.

I've already booked us three little holidays to try and spice things up, i'm willing to give this my all I just don't know how to get him to do the same???? Its like he just doesnt care either way.

Neyite

I'm sorry, I know you want to give it your all, but you can only ever give 50% in a relationship, the other 50% has to come from him.

Nothing you do apart from dumping him will stop him from cheating, and even then he will only learn to hide his tracks better. You have tried sexy underwear and holidays but its not working. Its not working because he wants to cheat. Neither you nor the other woman are number 1 here and never will be. He will always put himself as number 1. Even if he gives up this particular woman, there will always be more.

He cheats because there are no consequences, no risks, nothing to lose - he is not gonna lose you by the sounds of things so why should he stop? If you are not prepared to dump him and find a man who worships the ground you walk on (and they do exist!) then you are going to have to learn to live with it.

catch me if you can

The person who cares the least holds the balance of power in a bad relationship. If your adamant you want to stay with him start caring less. stop booking holidays and degrading yourself.
i really think though that you should leave him. all your headed for by the sounds of it , is being jilted at the altar. im sorry for you and i know its an awful thing to be going through.

LegacyUser

I know I should end it but i can't bare my life without him.

I'm thinking maybe if I end things for a while or threaten ending it this might be enough for him to wake up and see what he is doing to me, I have been to quite on the whole thing up to now. I guess I just couldn't face it.

I've been totally trusting of him and i feel stung. Like maybe if I had checked his texts two or 3 years ago this wouldnt be happening. When he started getting late night texts and being secretive with his phone i should have thought into it and realised something had changed but instead i respected his privacy, but maybe I should be fishing to see who she is? I have a good idea as they work together.

musicinyou

op,

something tells me that no matter what advice you get here is just not going to be enough! i say that because of the severe panic in your text!

i feel pretty aweful for your situation i honestly do! i fell even worse that your prepared to accept what he is doing! if he is at all doing anything.

i think you just need to have it out with him! ask him if hes cheating, youl know if he is lying by his response! after that its up to you weather you take pride in yourself and walk or hang about and wait for him to degrade further.

if i have him summed up right, and you threaten to end things! this could be what he actually wants!!

personly speaking, you have to make a stand! its about respect and respect for oneself more than anything,

Bless your soul op, i hope this nightmare ends soon for you

Smashhits

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear about what's happening to you OP.
Please don't go fishing for information on this woman, your gripe is with your OH. All this will do is upset you even more and give your partner more fuel to fight you with.

I totally understand where you're coming from as the same happened to me. He cheated with someone and I tried everything in my power to fix our relationship. I knew at the start I was wasting my energy and avoiding the inevitable but still tried to fix things for nearly 10 months.

In the end I decided to end it and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but as others said you can't fix this on your own.

He has to be as committed to the relationship as you are!

Why have you been quiet about him getting late night texts and being secretive? No offence but to me this is accepting his behaviour and giving him a free reign to treat you any way he sees fit.

Get yourself out of the house, move in with a friend/family member for a few days. You need to be out of the situation so you can see things clearer.

Cancel/change the bookings on your holidays or bring a girlfriend instead.

Neyite

Going on for years??
I think you need to gather your evidence and confront him. I know you want to fix this, but really he sounds like he is not bothered - is it possible he is doing this to get you to break up with him so he doesnt look like the 'bad guy' jilting his fiancee who is planning their wedding?

The thing is OP, do you want this for life? - can you look at him hand on heart at the altar and listen to him say his vows knowing they mean little to him? can you marry a man who lies so easily over such a prolonged period of time? can you spend a lifetime wondering if he is checking out your friend, your cousin, your colleague?

you can walk away now, and make a fresh start, but its far harder when there is legal commitments and /or children. Right now your relationship is broken and he cant be arsed fixing it. You can leave for a short while, but something tells me that wont 'teach' him. You deserve better. You deserve a man you can trust.

John Mason

err.............does he know you know ?

OP,

you deserve so much more but you are not going to listen to anyone here so can you i suggest you go and see a counsellor and work your self-esteem.

he is never going to stop cheating

he is with you because you are safe and he gets no grief from you. Do you do everything for this person? cook, cleaning, shopping etc - if so, why would he want to leave?

he is single with a live in maid

nicechick!

sad girl anon wrote: »

My future husband may be cheating

There have been warning signs for a longgg time but i guess I chose to ignore them.

Now I can't stop thinking about it.

How could he? Why? What's wrong with me?

I need to fix this.

Things got stale between us but he is the man of my dreams. I know everyone will say forget him, dump him, move on, but that's not what I want and my choice should be number 1 as I am the person being cheated on.

I've tried things already, i bought loads of sexy under clothes last week and tried them on saturday night but he just barely acknowledged me. I felt like an idiot lying there sexy and it seemed like a drag, like I had put him out by making him come see me after being away with work for the past 2 weeks. He shouldve been all over me but he barely saw me when he entered the house.

This hurts.

How can I fix this? Please don't tell me I can't.

I've already booked us three little holidays to try and spice things up, i'm willing to give this my all I just don't know how to get him to do the same???? Its like he just doesnt care either way.

Have you ever confronted him about his behavior? You seem to have done or tryed loads of ''fixing'' but have you ever actually discussed the situation with him

A0

For me cheating is a turn off, even if I was with the woman of my life / dreams and if she was cheating, she'd be dumped.
In your case, I'd make the hell of a mess, confront him and dump him like a s h i t e. You've done a lot of nice things for him, too many... how can you still like him or respect him if he's disrespecting you?

Chinafoot

Have you even spoken to him about your concerns? Are you 100% sure he's playing away?

A0 wrote: »

how can you still like him or respect him if he's disrespecting you?

Simple. The OP has no respect for herself.

I'm not saying that to be mean, OP, but it is most definitely true if you are sure your partner is cheating on you. You can't stand the thought of not having this man in your life. This man who you suspect of playing away (for a very long time it would seem), who ignores your attempts to spice up your relationship, who barely looks at you when he comes home after 2 weeks away.

Ask yourself what he's bringing to your relationship? Why do you want to be with him? Does he make you happy? Do you feel loved? Secure? Respected?

Be honest with yourself hun. Do you worry that you can't do any better? That you don't deserve to be with someone who loves you, respects you and acknowledges all you bring to the relationship? Do you think that this is your only chance at marriage? Kids? Is it really worth sacrificing love and happiness just so you don't have to be alone for a while?

If you continue on the path you're on (again all of this is based on him actually being a cheat) then you might aswell get used to what you're feeling now. As Neyite and irishbird said this man has no reason to stop. You are putting up with really shítty behaviour, bending over backwards for him and he still gets to do whatever he wants.

I'd sincerely suggest you talk to someone close to you and try to get some support. Perhaps consider counselling to sort out your esteem problems. You deserve to be in a healthy, loving and equal relationship. Don't be a doormat.

IrishEyes19

Dont know really what to say to this. You say dont tell me to leave him, dont tell me to leave him. But then in a heatbeat you say how awful you feel that despite his cheating, he barely acknowledges you when you make an effort.

Is that a marriage and is that the signs of a man who deserves you. I know you love him and I dont doubt that. But you cant win someone back by you dressing up sexier or buying him gifts. It may make him "happy" for a little while, but the problems that exist are going to still remain there despite that. Love isnt something you can purchase, it develops over time and if its meant to be, it sustains throughout bad times.

This person has already humiliated you by cheating on you and turning his back on your efforts to keep the marriage going. How much more are you willing to take before he could very much up and leave, it could very well happen and you will be left very hurt as you are now.
You need to confront him at least and find out what is happening and where you can go from this. But degrading yourself by making yourself a sex object to him and trying to turn him on is not the way to go. You are a good woman by the sound of it, with a mind of your own, and a personality that he obviously fell in love with in the first place. He doesnt deserve you, OP, and he certainly cant have his cake and eat it too, which is what you are offering him if you continue this. Do this for yourself, not for him. All the best.

I am a friend

Op what is it you want here? For people to tell you how to turn blind eye?

Ham Sambo

You are heading for a life of checking his visa card receipts, mobile phone numbers, etc.. will ya cop yourself on and get the hell out of there, this guy is making a complete fool of you and i am sure you deserve a lot better.

Firetrap

+1 to what the others have said. What is worrying is why your self worth is so low that you're prepared to hang on like a barnacle. Is your self identity and life so wrapped up in being with this man that you can't cope with the idea of life without him.

Danniboo

Why would you want to marry and spend your entire life with someone you know is cheating on you? Is the person we marry not supposed to be the "One", that person who is soooo special to you and perfect (in your eyes, as none of us are perfect). This doesn't even sound like a good relationship, he's a cheat. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who worships you and would never consider doing this to you. You shouldn't be trying to fix anything, you shouldn't be letting him near you if he's out sleeping around. How will he change or love or treat you with respect, when your not doing the same for yourself. I'd take this as a wake up call and a lucky escape and be greatful your not married with kids. Get out while its still relatively simple. I get the whole "I can't bare my life with him" but that will pass in time. Many people go through horrific breakups every day and come out the other side stronger and happier. Best of luck OP x;)

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

Is your self identity and life so wrapped up in being with this man that you can't cope with the idea of life without him.

Maybe that makes me pathetic and a horrible person but that is how i feel, I can't cope with the idea of life without him. He is my everything. I can't, don't and wont be without him. He is the only person who understands me, gets me. Everything we have, we have together.

I want to sort this out or at least give it my best shot to fix things. If it still isnt working down the road then I will look at ending it but I want to try my best and I don't think that is such a bad thing.

I have tried to talk to him about this before but he fobbed me off, didn't take it seriously.

I got an email on facebook telling me he is cheating a while back. I don't know if someone did that out of spite. The account disappeared. It had a lot of detail and I won't be surprised if it came from this woman he may be seeing.

My sister saw him in a bar with the woman he works with being far to close. I know it is this woman texting him late at night.

The final straw was back a couple of months ago I was washing his clothes after a work trip away and I found a used condom in his bag and a condom wrapper in his trouser pocket. He also had other condoms with him. I wasn't snooping! He asked me to empty his bag out and wash the clothes. Our sex life has been severely lacking for a long time so they weren't for me.

I did try to talk to him about it but he just said that probably one of the lads from work dropped it in there for a joke. I'm not naive, I found that very hard to believe and it's left me wtih such an uneasy feeling.

He's in high flying business so I can't imagine there are a gang of lads around throwing condoms around, the people I have met he works with are all very posh and wealthy and these are the people he goes on business trips with.

I want to hear from someone who has been through similar and got through it.

I know I'm probably a stupid person for trying but when you make your life with someone you dont want to just walk away after a few hints of possible cheating without any proof.

I am a friend

You can get through it if you both want to get through it but it looks to me like you are a nuisance to him. He is just swatting you away like an annoying bee as he cant even be bothered to answer your questions.

Its obvious he is cheating. It doesnt matter who tells you - he had a used condom in his bag and a wrapper in his trousters - classy....

As well as that, he asked you to clean out the bag so he knows you would find it - this is the height of disdain and disrespect. This guy doesnt want to make it work, I guess he is just biding his time til someone else comes along and, in the meantime, he has you sitting at home to do his bidding....

OP, its NOT going to work unless he has a total metamorphesis and it doesnt sound like he wants to....

Move out and move on... This guy is a total toerag...

Magicmatilda

Nothing changes if nothing changes. What I mean is if you do not change something about the situation it will remain the same. That change could be as small as talking to him or as big as leaving him, that's up to you.

So instead of allowing your life to be controlled by another person, take control and change something.

I would strongly suggest counselling as it might help to talk this out with an impartial party.

Best of luck

Taltos

sad girl anon wrote: »

Maybe that makes me pathetic and a horrible person but that is how i feel, I can't cope with the idea of life without him. He is my everything. I can't, don't and wont be without him. He is the only person who understands me, gets me. Everything we have, we have together.

How you feel is totally normal - you have invested a huge amount of yourself in this relationship.
However the way you describe the above in bold is not all that healthy - maybe speak to someone about this to try to get a more balanced view.
Unfortunately as much you want to believe he is the only one who understands you - well that is crap - as if it was the case he would not be cheating on you....

sad girl anon wrote: »

I want to sort this out or at least give it my best shot to fix things. If it still isnt working down the road then I will look at ending it but I want to try my best and I don't think that is such a bad thing.

I have tried to talk to him about this before but he fobbed me off, didn't take it seriously.

If he got you and cared for you - he would NOT just fob off your fears - he would do everything in his power to help you both as a couple get through this together. The fact he is not is another indictement against him...

sad girl anon wrote: »

I got an email on facebook telling me he is cheating a while back. I don't know if someone did that out of spite. The account disappeared. It had a lot of detail and I won't be surprised if it came from this woman he may be seeing.

My sister saw him in a bar with the woman he works with being far to close. I know it is this woman texting him late at night.

The final straw was back a couple of months ago I was washing his clothes after a work trip away and I found a used condom in his bag and a condom wrapper in his trouser pocket. He also had other condoms with him. I wasn't snooping! He asked me to empty his bag out and wash the clothes. Our sex life has been severely lacking for a long time so they weren't for me.

What proof do you need OP - do you need to physically catch him with someone else? How did he respond when you took each of the above to him and asked for an explanation?

sad girl anon wrote: »

I did try to talk to him about it but he just said that probably one of the lads from work dropped it in there for a joke. I'm not naive, I found that very hard to believe and it's left me wtih such an uneasy feeling.

I don't know him and I don't buy this... If he is highflying he will have his own room. Leaving a used condom in someone elses bag is pure dirt - I doubt it was his colleague - I am fairly certain it was the same person who contacted you on facebook - his bit on the side (who might be his colleague...).

sad girl anon wrote: »

I want to hear from someone who has been through similar and got through it.

I know I'm probably a stupid person for trying but when you make your life with someone you dont want to just walk away after a few hints of possible cheating without any proof.

OP - here are your choices.
1. Leave him. (he is not going to change, having cheated on you he will always find this an easy thing to do now).
2. Stay and turn a blind eye to his cheating. Lie to yourself for the rest of your life and lie to your future kids until they come to despise you for not standing up to him. Bleak but a fairly good chance of what will happen.
3. Try counselling - it might work - but 100% honesty is needed here - does he know what this is?

In terms of walking away after a few hints - there is a scale here OP - what you have received is not small. You can try to work it out - and it can be done - but only if he will be 100% honest with you and from what you have written I doubt he knows how.

Don't look at this as a failure - look at it as an opportunity to meet someone who will care and respect you as much as you deserve...

karen89

Hi, you sound soo sad and confused and while I agree with all that has gone before I think maybe if you confront him with your feelings and ask him straight out whats going on listen to what he has to say and then with your head - not your heart make a decission. I have a eeling it will be an easier decission than you think because it seems he is doing everything he can to make you end it - he is a coward and as others have said he has it all! You dont need this in your life you need the truth and deep down you already know the truth, just take a deep breath and confront him with everything - the texts, the phone calls, the e-mail you got, the condoms dont hold back get it all out! Good luck and remember, you deserve better!!

Ickle Magoo

sad girl anon wrote: »

Maybe that makes me pathetic and a horrible person but that is how i feel, I can't cope with the idea of life without him. He is my everything. I can't, don't and wont be without him. He is the only person who understands me, gets me. Everything we have, we have together.

Tbh I think that kind of uber-dependence is exactly what gives people the confidence to cheat because they are smug in the knowledge that there will be no consequences. There is no motivation to be faithful - and no demands from you that your feelings and wishes are respected. It's actually much healthier to have enough self-respect and self-esteem to acknowledge to both yourself and your partner that your relationship is based on conditional love and their behaviour can make or break your love for them.

sad girl anon wrote: »

He is the only person who understands me, gets me. Everything we have, we have together.

Gets how to cheat on you and lie to you? How to dismiss your fears and concerns? What exactly do you have together if he's cheating and your sex life is abysmal? Seriously, what is the point of a relationship like that?

OP, you really need to have a think about how much worth you put on your own happiness. How much you think you deserve to have a loyal and faithful partner who respects you and doesn't publicly make a mockery of you and your relationship. At the very least I would recommend you get counselling to explore why you value such an unhealthy relationship.

All the very best.

Emme

sad girl anon wrote: »

I got an email on facebook telling me he is cheating a while back. I don't know if someone did that out of spite. The account disappeared. It had a lot of detail and I won't be surprised if it came from this woman he may be seeing.

I'd have dumped him when I got that email.

sad girl anon wrote: »

My sister saw him in a bar with the woman he works with being far to close. I know it is this woman texting him late at night.

Why do you stay with him when you know he's cheating? He's not committed to you. You're all but in an open relationship, no you are in an open relationship because you're letting him have his cake and eat it.

sad girl anon wrote: »

The final straw was back a couple of months ago I was washing his clothes after a work trip away and I found a used condom in his bag and a condom wrapper in his trouser pocket. He also had other condoms with him. I wasn't snooping! He asked me to empty his bag out and wash the clothes. Our sex life has been severely lacking for a long time so they weren't for me.

:eek: Eeeuuwww gross! He showed you the ultimate disrespect. He knows you know he's cheating, he doesn't care because he knows you'll put up with it and wash other people's bodily fluids out of his clothes. Charming.

Are you sure you're not really his maid? Maybe you're not engaged to him at all OP, maybe it's your imagination or wishful thinking. He might have enjoyed shagging the hired help (you :rolleyes:) for a while but got bored and that's why you have no sex life now.

OK, I don't mean to be harsh but that's how the situation appears to me!

sad girl anon wrote: »

I did try to talk to him about it but he just said that probably one of the lads from work dropped it in there for a joke. I'm not naive, I found that very hard to believe and it's left me wtih such an uneasy feeling.

I'd have an uneasy feeling too if I had to take a condom used by other people out of somebody's clothing. Your bf is right about the joke though, the joke is on you!

sad girl anon wrote: »

He's in high flying business so I can't imagine there are a gang of lads around throwing condoms around, the people I have met he works with are all very posh and wealthy and these are the people he goes on business trips with.

Believe me, guys in high flying business get up to all sorts. Throwing condoms around is the least of it. Wealthy does not equate posh by the way. If you give a toe-rag money he or she is likely to behave in the worst way possible. That sounds like your bf's behaviour.

I briefly dated a high-flying businessman but I dumped him once I found out he was cheating on his wife with me. His friends were all married and cheating as well. If you're happy to stay for the money and lifestyle by all means put up with the cheating but remember you haven't got the ring on your finger yet. It's highly unlikely you'll get as far as the altar because if this guy is earning a lot more than you or comes from a more affluent background than you he will be protecting his wealth.

Get out now, get some dignity and independence and find a guy who's willing to be faithful. Or stay on your own because it would be better than what you're putting up with now.

Firetrap

I run the risk of getting an infraction here but I have to say that yes you are somewhat pathetic.

How you can stand by, simpering like that and accepting your fiancée's cheating? What happened to you that you talk about not being able to live without him? If he dumps you before you get married (have ye even set a date) you're going to be in a right pickle, won't you?

You have two choices
1. Continue on as a pathetic deluded shell of a woman too spineless to finish up a relationship with a man who is making a fool of her.

2. Seek professional help. I know you are never going to dump him in your current state of mind.

aidan24326

OP, you don't know for absolute certain that he's cheating but there is more than enough circumstancial evidence that he should have some serious explaining to do. But you let him fob you off with lame, half-hearted excuses*. Why?

(* the one about the workmates being as lame as I've ever heard)

Most girls would throw a wobbler and demand some serious answers and bloody fast if they found the condoms knowing what you already knew (the facebook message etc). It sounds very likely that he is cheating and what's more he's not even making any great effort to conceal it.

I mean what guy puts his used condom into his luggabe bag and leaves the wrapper in his pants??? A guy who's either a complete idiot or a guy that wants you to find it (or at the very least doesn't care if you do) I'm thinking the latter, and you can draw your own conclusions from that. Either way your relationship is doomed unless you stop being a doormat and start demanding some answers.

I am a friend

OP, sidelining a bit here and apologies for that but on a serious note, you might want to have some STI testing done. This is just in case he was seeing people on the side and not using a condom. Am not trying to upset you further here but its for your own good.