Still a virgin??

LegacyUser

I am nearly 21 and still a virgin, there I said it!

I have kissed a load of guys, all random scores with drink taken, with only a couple leading onto dates. With two guys I didn't like them on second meeting sober, but with one I thought he was perfect. So we texted but he ended it. A part of me wonders if he can smell the 'virgin' of me. I really liked him and had emotionally and physically prepared myself for having sex. When he said thanks but no thanks I was gutted, all of that felt like it was for nothing. Since then I have become more open and reachable as the fear of the act is gone.

I do not look like a model but I am let's just say striking to some not a plain jane and get offers when out and about. I am a college student and would be considered smart enough.

I just have a vision of telling a guy and him running away. I would understand I guess. There seems to e two types of men - ones who foam at the mouth at the thoughts of a virgin and the others who can't deal with the pressure/ awkward fumbling. Am I too old? Any advice? Sometimes I would just like to go home with someone and get it over with!

reap-a-rat

I don't have major life experience or anything, but I honestly think that because you're 21 and in college, you assume you are the only person ever not to have had sex, and I can tell you that that's wrong You're still really young, and you shouldn't give up your first time either to lose the title, when the right person comes along he'll understand, he's not going to laugh, and ya know what? If he's a prick about it then he doesn't deserve a bite at the cherry, so to speak :P

Just live your life, date as many guys as it takes to find a suitable one, and don't stress about it! I can only assure you that it WILL happen, don't rush it though because you think you should

Zen65

Stillavirgin?? wrote: »

I am nearly 21 and still a virgin, there I said it!

A large proportion of 21-year-olds are in the same boat. In fact if you narrow it down to 21-year-old college students I'm sure it would be the majority. You should not put too much faith in the popular media representation of teenagers losing their virginity en masse as they pass their 17th birthday.

Be proud of who you are, and what you have accomplished in your life. Strive to make yourself more interesting as a person, and to accomplish all that you can. There is no rush for you to lose your virginity, at the end of the day it is neither a trophy nor a stigma!


Be at peace,

Z

gypsy_rose

OP, I don't mean to be rude or sly here, but at the age of 21, if you meet that special someone or just a guy you really fancy and want to sleep with, trust me, when you tell him you're a virgin the last thing he's going to be is turned off.

Seriously, don't worry about it

Especially since you're at college and all, if you want it to happen it will soon enough

LegacyUser

Seriously, stop worrying!

I really think that you are in the majority, and if not in the majority then in a very large minority! People your age are having a lot less sex than you think.

Just to put it in perspective, I lost my virginity a couple of years ago. I was 31. Yes, that's right, it was a 3, not a 2. 31! Was I worried? No. Did I regret it being so late? No!!

When you lose your virginity it should be something special, not just something to get over and done with.

And if some guy doesn't like the fact that you are a virgin, well he doesn't deserve you. You just need to have more respect for yourself.

By the way, an awful lot of people regret their first time, and the younger you are the more likely you are to regret it.

Contessa Raven

I never understood the pressure of losing ones virginity. The media has a way of blowing it WAY out of proportion by showing teenagers losing it in and around their 16th birthdays.

Honestly, most people I know were 18 or older when it happened for them. For me, I was 20. It's not a big deal to be in your early 20's and still be a virgin. I believe you should let it happen naturally. Don't lose it because you think you should, have sex when you feel ready and want it. Anything else, is just peer pressure or pressure you put on yourself because you think everyone's doing it. They're not.

In my class, I thought I was the only one. It was only in the last couple of years of college did I find out around half of the people in my year were still virgins in first year and around a third still were in second year. People are too scared to admit it because the media has us believe it's not normal. Don't stress about it.

If a guy is put off by it, he ain't worth it. Any decent guy won't bat an eyelid.

kjl

yeah, second some of the sentimants mentioned here. We don't all live in the jersey shore, it's perfectly normal to still be a virgin aged 21.

The right guy won't judge you for it, but will rather be feel honoured that you chose him to lose it with.

LegacyUser

Oh my God, could have virtually written your post myself.
I'm also twenty and a virgin. Not ugly, not lacking in male attention - but it just hasn't happened for me! I just could not stomach the thoughts of a one night stand, and I've never gotten close enough to any guy I was texting/dating/whatever to actually do the deed. Until this summer, when I met a guy I liked, was totally ready to take the plunge with him - and he moved to Spain for work. Still devastated, to be honest.
However, the fact that I did actually meet a guy I liked enough gives me 'hope' that I'll meet another and have sex. You should take comfort from the guy you liked too - I realise he ended it, but there will be others who will feel for you what you feel for them.
Just know that you're not the only 20 y/o virgin out there - and there's got to be more than you and I!

DazMarz

At least you're more sensible than most... me included. I still to this day regret throwing away my virginity at 15, while out of my mind drunk and not even remembering the girl's surname... That is not a memory I'm proud of, and at least you have the opportunity to make your first time something special, with someone special.

Again, as mentioned here, the media distorts things in a negative way and would have you believe that it is 'uncool' or 'not normal' to retain your virginity. This is not the case.

Also, friends and peers can be of little help; they might look down on you and tease you over it, but they're not true friends. At least three of my closest friends (all guys) didn't lose their virginity until they were into their 20's, but I didn't care, and nobody else should as quite frankly it's nobody else's damn business. They confided in me a lot, and that's how I knew, but it didn't change my opinion of them at all. They were my best friends and why should something like that change it???

When you find yourself with a guy who you feel affection and love for, and those feelings are reciprocated, it will be so much easier. You can tell him, and he should not care. In fact, he should (if he's more experienced) make it so that you are relaxed and that he is more considerate and gentle for the first time.

Do not worry about this. Life moves at its own pace and you will be fine.

Overheal

DazMarz wrote: »

At least you're more sensible than most... me included. I still to this day regret throwing away my virginity at 15, while out of my mind drunk and not even remembering the girl's surname...

You remembered her first name at least? Jealous.

OP it's perfectly normal, don't be sucked in by tv culture or anything else telling you it's the norm to have it gone by now. And even when you think about it, a lot of those people who have done it end up pregnant somehow. In the US I know of a few that got the teenage pregnancy deal and the shotgun wedding - and even a few others that have had multiple abortions (and don't feel too right about themselves, either). Not to mention some of the single moms and dads with toddlers that I work with. And I haven't even begun considering the STDs! Don't be concerned that you haven't had sex yet, and don't go out and do something foolish either, which you may end up regretting in some form or another.

Rocket19

Hey, I'm your age and in college too : )

Seriously, its defo not weird that your a virgin! I know a lot of girls have lost it at our age, so I won't lie and say otherwise, but you're certainly not unusual or weird. I honestly don't even think there's even a stigma to a girl being a virgin, its your decision, so please don't feel pressured.

Honestly, when you lose it, you'll realise how much it is NOT a big deal. The only reason you feel this way now is because you haven't done it yet; you prob feel a bit in the dark about sex, like its this alien thing people are always talking about. Really, it comes quite naturally, just like kissing does. In my experience, my first time didn't feel really awkward or anything, it was fine, not mind-blowing sex or anything, but you don't expect that. It hurt a little, but it wasn't that bad. The fear is way,
way worse than the reality of it.

I know when I lost mine, I didn't even tell the guy I was a virgin! I just thought it was really embarassing to tell him that. (even though I was only 18 lol). I was sooo nervous though, I was practically shaking, so he basically asked if it was my first time (cringe). I said yes and he was totally cool about it. He was actually annoyed after that I didn't tell him! (I know of a few girls who didnt't actually tell the guy they were virgins, and after doing it myself, I do not advise it, its silly). Seriously, they don't care! I'm not even talking about creepy guys who would prefer a 'pure' girl, but really, most guys would love the idea of being a girls first.


Also, I'd kind of advise against sleeping with anyone just to "get it over with". Every girl knows how easy it is to get sex at college age, its not like people are gonna think "wow, it must be because no-one wants to sleep with her". You're only 21, that's really not old. Also, its basically your choice, so choose wisely lol.
Whatever you do, have it be with a nice guy, and a guy you know you can trust.

baby and crumble

I know lots of people have been reassuring you, OP, but I just wanted to stick my oar in aswell- I was nearly 22 when I lost my virginity- to my now girlfirend (8 years on!!). I was never one to think "oh, I'll save it" or anything, but I just wasn't into the 1 night stand kinda thing, and tbh including my gf, I've 'only' kissed 4 people. For lots of people, that would be way more embarrassing, but I'm ok with it.

Like others have said, and as hard as it is to believe- loosing your virginity isn't THAT big a deal. I mean, it is, because it's something very very personal, but it's not like your life suddenly changes afterwards. You think it will- you get up the next day thinking people can see a flashing neon sign saying "I HAD SEX" or something floating over your head.

They really can't.

I have no idea what it's like to be someones first, but my gf really likes that she was mine- it became this special thing, and it was perfect- maybe if she didn't know I was a virgin at the time, it would have been a bit different- so I'd advise telling the guy. Like others have said, if the guy freaks out, he's not the right person for you.

af_thefragile

How is this a bad thing?

A large portion of people your age are virgins and many of them are actually glad they didn't lose it earlier in some drunken encounter.

Just wait for the right guy and you'll find him and it'll all happen by itself.

So stop thinking about it too much and just live your life!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of your support people, it has been really appreciated. I suppose I am just envious of people that have kissed and indeed slept with a few frogs so they don't have to worry about that then when they find the right person. I mean isn't attraction to someone partly physical and on the thoughts of what sleeping with them would be like? To find out that I actually no nothing except from the mechanical actions would be a huge turn off I would think!

It's depressing when people my age are turning to online dating, like nothing comes naturally any more so the thoughts of a) having to first meet someone and then b) go through the possibility of rejection when they realise my sexual inexperience is really daunting ...

LegacyUser

How about being 23 as i am, and i am a girl in college too? I know how you feel, but seriously if he is the right guy, it wont matter at all. this is what i tell myself! I am really shy and so i still await the right opportunity..maybe there is never a right time or age, but the right person

IrishEyes19

If everyone's first time was the identical to what we see on tv, OP, boards.ie and various advice forums would be out of business. The point is, its nothing like it. Its so varied that, it can range from a complete disaster to near perfect, it'll never be perfect, but thats nothing to worry about.

As all the other posters have said here, it will happen when it happens, but I really do think you need to put the sex issue out of your mind when you meet a new guy first or you will drive yourself crazy. You need to develop some kind of relationship with a guy mentally first, i really do believe that, and no you arent driving them away because you think they call tell you are a virgin. And if a guy is really that weirded out by something so small, well he wasnt the right guy to begin with. Sex is a big deal, dont think different, of course it is, its your body, the most personal thing you own and you are sharing it with someone who hopefully you will trust and care about. So my advice would be to treat your first time experience like you would treat your own body, with respect and caution.

You cant have any control over how its going to turn out, but you can control when and where. My advice is to slow down, let it happen when its supposed to and ask yourself, when I wake up tomorrow, is this going to affect me positively or negativly. that saying Im not endorsing that you have to be all traditional about it and it has to be someone you love, that is personal choice, but hopefully you will make a choice on what you want and are happy with, rather than what people have bragged about or said they have done.