What would you do?

LegacyUser

Hi,
A friend of mine pointed me here saying I might get some much needed advice from people who are not directly involved.

I am a mother of a 15 year old boy. A little bit of history. I met his dad and had a relationship for 4 years. I got pregnant. We were both thrilled, well so I thought. 2 weeks before I had my son he told me that he met someone else and had started a relationship with her 6 months before. Needless to say it was a shock and alot to deal with.

He left our home and haven't heard sight nor sound from him in 15 years. His mother came to the hospital when my son was born but no more contact since.

I've never stopped him or said he was not to see the child.

At the time it was very very hard going but I got through it with the support of a fantastic family and amazing friends.

Im blessed that i have a good job and have supported my son on my own. We have a lovely home and we dont have to worry much about bills etc.

My son is a brillant kids the light of my life. Im a typical irish mother lol

Anyway went down in my parentst home at the weekend my mother handed me a letter addressed to me, which I thought was very stranger because i've lived in the same house for 12 years.

To my shock it was my sons father.
It was like a letter from a long lost friend. Telling me all about his family, about his parents and how they were and his sister and her family. About his 2 kids. It was like a knife in the gut.

He left his number for me to call im and arrange for him to meet his son.

Now dont get me wrong 15 years is a long time and I hold no ill feeling towards him, im well over that, thank god.

This man has never supported his son in anyway.

My family and friends are far to involved to give me the advice I need. They are angry.

I want to do what is best for my son, but im scared that he rejected him once before and how do know he wont do it again. I dont know this man anymore.

My son is a happy smart kid that has no worries apart from the normal teenage things.

I would be so grateful if you would do if you where in my shoes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this very long post

Stench Blossoms

Have you asked your son if he wants to meet his father? Or has he ever expressed interest in him before?

If he has well then it might not be a bad idea to meet him for lunch or something.

LegacyUser

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Have you asked your son if he wants to meet his father? Or has he ever expressed interest in him before?

If he has well then it might not be a bad idea to meet him for lunch or something.

He knows about his father, his name, where he worked etc what team he supported lol

He has never expressed any interest in contact with him at all.

I've not told him about the letter. I need to get my head around it first.

Thank you for replying to me

beks101

This is a tough one.

I don't have kids so it's difficult to put myself in your situation, but personally I'm pretty sure after fifteen years of silence I would be very wary of letting this man into my child's life. He doesn't exactly have a strong track record with you. I think I'd be wondering, why now? After most of the hard work in raising your child has already been done?

On the other hand, your son has the right to know who his father is.

However, I definitely wouldn't say anything to your son just yet - until you know that his father is worth knowing and is serious and has the right intentions for his son. Remember that although they are father and son, they are also strangers and it's going to be a life-changing event for your son, you need to protect him as best you can.

Would you consider replying to him and asking him to meet you on your own for a coffee? Meeting him face-to-face and getting a feel for him, finding out what kind of man he is now...might give you a better judgement on this. I would promise him nothing at this stage - after all, the only attempt he's made in fifteen years is a letter, hardly a big gesture when it comes down to it. In my eyes he has a lot of proving to do and has to earn the right to have any contact with this wonderful child who he has neglected for fifteen years.

The best of luck to you and your son, I hope everything works out for the best.

I am a friend

What a cad!! I agree with above - meet him and suss him out before you let him near your son. Has your son ever asked a out him?

Fair play to you for rearing him on your own!!

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Would you consider replying to him and asking him to meet you on your own for a coffee? Meeting him face-to-face and getting a feel for him, finding out what kind of man he is now...might give you a better judgement on this. I would promise him nothing at this stage - after all, the only attempt he's made in fifteen years is a letter, hardly a big gesture when it comes down to it. In my eyes he has a lot of proving to do and has to earn the right to have any contact with this wonderful child who he has neglected for fifteen years.

The best of luck to you and your son, I hope everything works out for the best.

Thank you for this advice, this might be good idea. I've not idea at all why now im very confused.

I totally agree that a child should know his/her father. But its a long tme to try and play that role? Is it to long I wonder?

To be honest im so confused about it.

i was left to pick up the pieces before and really dont want that again.

ash23

I think as a 15 year old, it's your sons decision.
He's old enough to make the choice to meet his father or not.
He might decide not to, he might meet him just for curiosity sake and not see him after that, or he might meet him and build a relationship.

I'd say it to him and let him choose.

PS I've an 8 and a half yr old who has never met her father and I think I would let her make the choice should the issue ever arise.

Katgurl

Id meet the dad alone a few times and find out; why now, what level of contact does he want, his feelings on his previous behaviour, does he plan to help now
in anyway ie. Support through university or something.

Then I'd talk to my son and make sure he understood that whatever he wanted to do was fine and there was no rush on a decision.

It's a very tricky one and fair play for not being bitter but I'd be very wary of this man entering my sons life.

greengirl31

OP, You don't seem in any way bitter about this, which I can only see as a good thing in that you wouldn't let your personal feelings for your sons father influence your decision. But you also have to look at the facts of the matter. This is a man who left his pregnant partner and abandon his child - you have to ask yourself, what sort of a person can do this and will your son really benefit from having a man like this in his life ??

I think you've gotten some good advice here so far, Definitely, meet your sons father yourself - a few times - to see what his motives are. Why now ?? What level of contact he wants ?? Does he expect your son to become part of his Family ?? How does his partner feel about your son ?? And how does she feel about you're Ex's new found interest in your son??

Also, and I'm sure you know this already, but you have to gauge your sons opinion too. Does he talk about his father alot or is it something that's ever discussed ?? Has it been in the past ?? Has he ever shown an interest in meeting his Dad ??

Even at 15, your son has a fairly contented life by what you say and I'd be wary of letting this man in to disrupt or upset this. If you think his motives are positive, I'd bring it up with your son and let him decide - Maybe start of with letters for a while before a face to face. But if you feel your ex isn't fully committed then I'd leave it for now ..... He's left it for 15 years, another 2 or 3 won't make any difference to him but it may make a huge difference to the level of maturity of your son and his ability to cope with something like this

Good luck in whatever you decide ...

ash23

greengirl31 wrote: »

But if you feel your ex isn't fully committed then I'd leave it for now ..... He's left it for 15 years, another 2 or 3 won't make any difference to him but it may make a huge difference to the level of maturity of your son and his ability to cope with something like this

Good luck in whatever you decide ...

The other side of that though is how would the son feel if he found out his father tried to see him and his mother stopped him. He mightn't care. Or he could be deeply hurt.

sambuka41

Wow Op thats a really tough situation. i would definitely meet him on your own first a few times. Although you are passed it (which is a good thing) he has a LOT of explaining to do.
If it were me he would have a lot of grovelling to do as well!!!! He should be approaching this situation as someone who messed up badly and needs to say and do whatever to show that he is serious about initiating contact. (well thats just me anyway!!:D) The nonchalant attitude of the letter would worry me a little about whether he realises the upset and heart ache his actions caused.

I would think about it before saying anything to your son. 15 is old enough to know what he wants but he is still a 'child' and you can still make decisions for him as regards who is in his life and who isn't (not that any teenager wants to hear that!!) You know your son and how he would react to this, if you think he is able for it, and his dad is serious then it would be good for them to know each other.

I would say that you also need to think of yourself too. Its been a long time but don't be surprised if this opens a few wounds for you too. You have a right to be upset/angry/sad whatever about the situation. You sound like a good mother who is worried about her son and not so much about herself mammy's have to be looked after too!! Be sure this all fits in with where you are in your life also.

Good luck.

Firetrap

I think meeting your son's father first and sussing him out would be a good idea. It'll hopefully give you a better idea of the lie of the land. Perhaps having two more kids has caused him to stop and think about how he treated you and your son.

LegacyUser

Im so so grateful to all of you for taking the time to reply to me posting.

To answer some of the question if I can.

As to why - no idea
what level of contact he would want - no idea

Actually i've no idea about anything about why this contact has come now.

To one poster said that he is 15 and should make the choice himself, not sure if I agree with this. He is still a minor and of course it is up to him also but with my guidence.

im not bitter about this man, he gave me a great child. I feel sorry for him if anyhing, he has missed out on everything.

Its just i've done all the parenting and I suppose I am being selfsh about letting someone to come swaning in as 'Dad'

If i was sure that this would be a positive thing for my son i'd be all for it.

To be really honest im terified that he will emotional hurt or reject my son, even typing that make me feel ill.

I think a phone call to see what and why this contact came now will do not harm. My family will not support this at all which I kind of understand, they were the ones who helped to pick up the pieces.

There is alot of what if's

greengirl31

ash23 wrote: »

The other side of that though is how would the son feel if he found out his father tried to see him and his mother stopped him. He mightn't care. Or he could be deeply hurt.

I see where you're coming from Ash and I know that's always a risk ... The child could decide that he wants to see his father and given the father's history, he'll let his son down and the rejection could be devastating for him. But they are the extremes ... I think there's a down side to either of those scenarios and none of these cases are black and white .......
I just think the OP knows her son better than anyone ... If she feels after she's sussed the dad out that her son is mature enough to deal with it well then she should tell him but if she doesn't think so then it's better she holds off for now. I know at 15 they're almost all grown up and 15 year olds like to think of themselves as adults but lets face it, most of them aren't. I just think that 15 is a very difficult time for any boy but to have this to deal with too it might be a little overwhelming.

Lollipops23

ash23 wrote: »

I think as a 15 year old, it's your sons decision.
He's old enough to make the choice to meet his father or not.

Hmm, I know where you're coming from on this. However, I think a lot of 15 year olds would consider themselves "mature" enough to deal with something like this (sure didn't we all at that age!!) when they're really not.

OP you have your sons best interests at heart. I think the best and most reasonable course of action would be to meet him and get some answers. If you want to move forward and let him have the option, sit your son down and let him know the score.

Distorted

Hmmn. It reads a bit like he suddenly finds his son interesting now he is nearing adulthood and you have done all the work of bringing him up. Maybe also because he has a guilty conscience. I think the above suggestion is a good one - meet him yourself first to check his intentions, and then give your son the choice whether to meet him or not. Hopefully it is more than curiosity/satisfying a guilty conscience on the part of your ex, you never know, he might want to support your son through college or something and you wouldn't want to deny him that opportunity.

ps I totally agree with the poster who described your ex as a cad - appalling behaviour on his part.

LegacyUser

Im going to give my sons father a call this evening (kinda nervous about that which is just nuts, why should I be.)
I am going to talk very tiny steps and go at my pace for the moment until I decide what is best for my son.

I'll have the conversation all planned in my head (I think im going insane lol)

I've decided to be very blunt and ask him VERY VERY straight questions over the phone and I will see how I feel about it then. After all he did take 15 years so I think im well within my rights to think long and hard about this. (my god that sounds nasty, not meant to be)

Under no circumstance would I take a penny from him towards my son, education or anything. My sons Collage fees are sorted and im sticking to my guns on this one. I've come this far on my own and I suppose its a pride thing but i'll go all the way.

Im so grateful to every single one of you who have relied to my posting.

You never know what tomorrow will bring

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm female and in my late 20s. I met my father for the first time when I was 14. It was a similar story to you- my parents split up due to my fathers behaviour before I was born and then just never spoke again until they met by accident and decided that he should get involved.

I found it terrifying tbh. I was told that I'd be meeting him, with my mother, with very little notice and didn't feel that I had any choice in the matter. I was obviously curious but at that age you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with issues so big and I couldn't begin to explain to anyone how overwhelmed I felt.

It was uncomfortable for a long time- he's not a great conversationalist and I was paralysed with shyness- but now that I'm older I'm obviously very glad he's in my life again and have entirely gotten over the anxiety I used to feel.

My advice would be for you to meet with your ex first and find out his motivations, why he has taken so long to get in touch, where he sees it going etc. Then if you are sure he's genuine I would sit your son down and explain that his father would like to get in touch.

I think you should let your son dictate the pace to some extent. Give him time to take in the news without making any decisions immediately and tell him you can talk again in a day or two when he's had a think. Perhaps he would be more comfortable if your ex communicated with letters initially, or sent photos- anything to make him less of a stranger. Any initial meeting should be low key and relatively short- they've got all the time in the world to talk, there's no need to overwhelm your son. Above all let him ask the awkward questions as and when he's ready- as a 14yr old the thought of my parents having feelings and romantic attachments was a bit cringeworthy so having the whole lot spelled out to me would have been mortifying! But do make sure your son knows that he can ask anything he likes, and that he can slow things down if he feels rushed. In my case I think it would have been a lot more successful at first if I hadn't felt so swept along by a massive change that I couldn't really comprehend and felt like I had more control over events.

LegacyUser

There is no way that I would dream of doing that, My son would have the final decession. If he changed his mind at the last minute if he did decide to meet him that is fine to.

Could I ask you were you angry with your dad?

What kind of relationship do you have with him now? Did he or try to take over at all?

Im sorry for all the question

Thanks for replying to me

username123

Adcice please wrote: »

Im going to give my sons father a call this evening (kinda nervous about that which is just nuts, why should I be.)

You got the letter at the weekend, today is only Monday. Why dont you take some time to think about things before making that call? He has let you wait 15 years, a week or two on your side is not going to harm anyone.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

You got the letter at the weekend, today is only Monday. Why dont you take some time to think about things before making that call? He has let you wait 15 years, a week or two on your side is not going to harm anyone.

I think if I was to wait that long i would drive myself bonkers to be honest.
I am only going to call him on my mobile with my number withheld.

As least I will get one or two answers.

Starokan

i think you are doing the right thing in speaking with him first to determine what his intentions are. In all honesty i would assume he is realising what he has done by not being involved and is intent on making amends.

It would be useful if you could find out whether his family know he is making contact as if they don't it could result in a whole host of drama.

I would make it clear to him that if your son is not ready for contact then there will be none until he is.

Take care of yourself during this and have someone to lean on too as you may find it hurts a bit to see your son suddenly caught up in another persons life.

Also even though you have a good job and support your son completely I would also point out to your ex partner that you have borne the whole financial burden of raising him and if he wants regular access he can begin to contribute. Id say somehow you will get a more accurate idea of his intentions then.

Sound Bite

Hi OP. I don't have children or much experience dealing with 15 year old so can't offer much advise. Think it's all be said above, suss him out first and be satisfied with his reasons for wanting to see his son now and not for the last 15 years. Whatever you decide you know you've given him a reasonable chance and done right by your son.

Really just wanted to reply to say that from your posts, you sound like a fantastic mum and your son is very lucky to have you.

butterfly84

Similar situation too.Bio father left before I was born.Difference being that my mam met and married my dad when i was three.my dad is the one who has always been there for me and i dont consider this other man as part of our lives.now i just think this man was an idiot but im glad it happened as I ended up with a way better dad in my life.Also have two great sisters and a bro.None of us will ever know why this man walked away.

I was told the truth when I was about eight(I grew up calling the other man daddy) and was really upset to think i was the odd one in the family.I never really had much desire to meet this man for some reason.When I was 16 he wanted to meet me,my mam and dad let me know and said the choice was mine.Im late twenties know and have never taken this offer.In a way Im still deciding.But I already have a dad.My one weird feeling is that if he dies without me meeting him I may regret that.

I still cant decide,its a very tough think to decide.I suppose all Im saying is tell your son everything you know and assure him you will support his decision.Its likely he wont even want anything to do with a man who hurt you so much in the past and abandoned him.

LegacyUser

Well I called my sons father last night. I had my questions that I wanted answered written down (I was afraid that if I got nervous or upset that my mind would go blank) There was only 4.

I rang the number and it went to voice mail so I left a message to say I would ring in 3 minutes (I had my number withheld and some people dont answer private numbers)

So I rang again 30 mins later, He said 'would you be able to call back tommorrow Im with someone' It was like I was a phone survey

Sorry but you request for a phone call to met you son after 15 years of no contact and then are to busy.

To be honest I was a little annoyed about this. Ringing him today I have not decided yet.

Thank you all so much for every single post, you all have helped me so much. I have not told my family that I would be contacting him. I dont want them to be upset until I know for sure what I am doing, so coming here has helped so much because I haven't had them to turn to.

Thanks again:)

greengirl31

Hi OP,

The absolute cheek of him – “I’m with someone, can you call back” !!!

I know you’re anxious to speak to him – just so you can stop your head spinning so If I were you, I’d ring him back to put your questions to him and then I’d take my sweet time getting back to him after that … I’m not sure if it’s on your list of questions but I would find out how his current family feel about him getting involved in your son’s life. If he hasn’t told them yet, I think it shows that he’s not fully committed yet …

Other posters have said it too, but look after yourself at this time too. I know your family aren’t fully behind this and I’m sure you can understand why. But you seem like a fairly together woman and I’m sure they’ll understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. At the end of the day, you’re your son’s mother and you want what’s best for him.

Good luck though – Hope it goes well

spinandscribble

Advice please wrote: »

Well I called my sons father last night. I had my questions that I wanted answered written down (I was afraid that if I got nervous or upset that my mind would go blank) There was only 4.

I rang the number and it went to voice mail so I left a message to say I would ring in 3 minutes (I had my number withheld and some people dont answer private numbers)

So I rang again 30 mins later, He said 'would you be able to call back tommorrow Im with someone' It was like I was a phone survey

Sorry but you request for a phone call to met you son after 15 years of no contact and then are to busy.

To be honest I was a little annoyed about this. Ringing him today I have not decided yet.

Thank you all so much for every single post, you all have helped me so much. I have not told my family that I would be contacting him. I dont want them to be upset until I know for sure what I am doing, so coming here has helped so much because I haven't had them to turn to.

Thanks again:)

I'm sorry, he should have called you back himself tha night (thats if it was important where he was) not request you call him... Everything has been on his terms and if I were you I would leave it until he made contact again (maybe thats extreme but it just boils my blood to read that) OR if you must ring him tonight, explain firstly that the decision to meet your son will go through stages, you first, then it might proceed to your son and at no point will you rush the process or bend to his demands.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

I'm sorry, he should have called you back himself tha night (thats if it was important where he was) not request you call him... Everything has been on his terms and if I were you I would leave it until he made contact again (maybe thats extreme but it just boils my blood to read that) OR if you must ring him tonight, explain firstly that the decision to meet your son will go through stages, you first, then it might proceed to your son and at no point will you rush the process or bend to his demands.

He doesn't hve my phone number and I dont want him to have it. Yet anyway.

To Greengirl, thank you so much for your support yes 1 of my qestions is his wife and children aware of this contact.
Maybe you are right I should get it out of the way, im not going to do anything to spite him I think he has spited himself enough for 15 years but my son and me come first.

butterfly84

When the guy wanted to contacted me he handed my mother over his work number.This was prob before everyone had a mobile.It was as if he didnt want us calling him at home.Maybe there is a possibility he has not told his new family about this.If he has a guilty conscience he is probably feeling ashamed and rightly so.

Gannicus

Katgurl wrote: »

Id meet the dad alone a few times and find out; why now, what level of contact does he want, his feelings on his previous behaviour, does he plan to help now
in anyway ie. Support through university or something.

Then I'd talk to my son and make sure he understood that whatever he wanted to do was fine and there was no rush on a decision.

It's a very tricky one and fair play for not being bitter but I'd be very wary of this man entering my sons life.

I agree with Katgurl. Meet him first in a busy but neutral place. See if he's even fit to meet your son. then if you're happy talk to your son and see how he feels about it after all if he wants nothing to do with his "dad" then let him decide.

I know it may sound strange but maybe after having another family he may regret what he did 15 years ago. I'm assuming the 2 of you were young when it happpened?

LegacyUser

Big Steve wrote: »

I agree with Katgurl. Meet him first in a busy but neutral place. See if he's even fit to meet your son. then if you're happy talk to your son and see how he feels about it after all if he wants nothing to do with his "dad" then let him decide.

I know it may sound strange but maybe after having another family he may regret what he did 15 years ago. I'm assuming the 2 of you were young when it happpened?

I was 24 he was 25

Gannicus

So you were young but not that young. I'd stand by my original post to be honest. At the end of the day it's his loss. You and your son comes first. I think you should be weary yes, but still see if he is truly sincere in his intentions.

spinandscribble

If I was you, if the initial meeting with him goes well, before I would ever bring your son along, I would meet his new OH. Two reasons:
One- she will to some degree be involved in your son's life and you need to see she has a positive outlook on things.
two- mostly more importantly, to prove she is AWARE of your circumstances, I wouldn't trust a man like that as far as I could throw him and the fact he couldn't talk as he was "with someone" would put me on edge. He might say she knows but imagine how horrible it would be for your son if it turned out to be untrue and he's still a "secret".

username123

Advice please wrote: »

So I rang again 30 mins later, He said 'would you be able to call back tommorrow Im with someone' It was like I was a phone survey

Sorry but you request for a phone call to met you son after 15 years of no contact and then are to busy.

To be honest I was a little annoyed about this. Ringing him today I have not decided yet.

God I dont blame you being rightly peed off with that response.

The only explanation I can think of is that he was actually taking it as a serious phonecall that he wanted time to be able and sit and talk with you and whoever he was with (family or work or anything) meant that he couldnt speak freely in front of them so it was easiest to treat you like a phone survey - very bad form though. He could have excused himself fo a minute and actually spoken to you as though you were a real person and not a phone survey!!! Even in front of people he could have said 'Im delighted to hear from you, but Im in the middle of something, could we speak later or tomorrow?'.

Id also take it that he probably hasnt told his family whats going on.

Stench Blossoms

I wouldn't contact him again.

Leave it up to him to make contact if it's that important to him.

ash23

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I wouldn't contact him again.

Leave it up to him to make contact if it's that important to him.

He doesn't have her number.

greengirl31

spinandscribble wrote: »

If I was you, if the initial meeting with him goes well, before I would ever bring your son along, I would meet his new OH. Two reasons:
One- she will to some degree be involved in your son's life and you need to see she has a positive outlook on things.
two- mostly more importantly, to prove she is AWARE of your circumstances, I wouldn't trust a man like that as far as I could throw him and the fact he couldn't talk as he was "with someone" would put me on edge. He might say she knows but imagine how horrible it would be for your son if it turned out to be untrue and he's still a "secret".

Op,
I'd agree with this ... The fact he was so dismissive with the "i'm with someone, can you call me later" comment would have me smelling a rat ... Id wonder if his other family even know you and your son exist ...
Now that said, perhaps your ex is genuine and Is wracked by guilt for his behaviour in the past and desperate to make amends but tread carefully. Remember, your son and yourself are your main priorities and you DO NOT have to make allowances for your Ex or his family
Good luck

Sittingpretty

Oh my goodness OP, he has put u in a terrible bind.

I think you have gotten some great advice here. However no one seems to have mentioned his other children, so your son has siblings also that he doesn't know about.

As others have said, I would meet him and get all your questions answered and then if you think his motives are good and he has been honest with everyone involved, I would tell him you will give your son the letter and his number when he turns 18 and as an adult he can make the decision himself.

I think while he may have changed his ways and be genuine I would be very slow to allow such drama into a happy teens life at the moment.

All the best and well done, you sound like a fantastic mum.

Stench Blossoms

ash23 wrote: »

He doesn't have her number.

He managed to contact her already so he can do it again if he really wants to see the child.

ash23

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

He managed to contact her already so he can do it again if he really wants to see the child.

Yeah but by letter. Prolonging the issue even furthur. God, he couldn't take the call. He probably could have handled how he said it better but I think that the OP has decided what she is going to do and there's no point in her backing off the issue just because he wasn't in a position to take the call at the exact moment she rang and asked her to ring back. it's a bit of an over reaction to tell her not to call him again.

LegacyUser

I took the advice to make the phone call sooner then later and called last night, it was the most surreal conversation i've ever had in my life. His answers to my question were replied to with alot of hostility. His tone and attitude was not friendly and I was not comfortable with anything he had to say. He did not give me one direct answer to my questions.

I left the conversation totally wore out. I told him that if he wanted to he could write a letter my son, post it to my parents address, and I would give it to him after his exams (he is doing his junior cert this year) He was not impressed with this.

Thinking about this since what exactly did he expect???? Im an adult and this contact has made me very confussed can you imagine what it would do to a teenager.

Im content with my decision, I feel right or wrong it is what I feel is right for my son at the moment.


Thanks again everyone I really dont know what I would have done without all this advice.

spinandscribble

Advce please wrote: »

I took the advice to make the phone call sooner then later and called last night, it was the most surreal conversation i've ever had in my life. His answers to my question were replied to with alot of hostility. His tone and attitude was not friendly and I was not comfortable with anything he had to say. He did not give me one direct answer to my questions.

I left the conversation totally wore out. I told him that if he wanted to he could write a letter my son, post it to my parents address, and I would give it to him after his exams (he is doing his junior cert this year) He was not impressed with this.

Thinking about this since what exactly did he expect???? Im an adult and this contact has made me very confussed can you imagine what it would do to a teenager.

Im content with my decision, I feel right or wrong it is what I feel is right for my son at the moment.


Thanks again everyone I really dont know what I would have done without all this advice.

I think you've handled this all very well, and its an excellent idea about giving your son the letter next summer for both the father and son.

Don't receive the letter until later this year so the father has time to figure out what he wants to say. Maybe now he can see its not so easy to just pop in and out of his son's life it might give him the time to reflect, one can hope.

Until he treats you/your son, with the calmness and understanding you deserve, do not give him a inch.

ash23

Advce please wrote: »

I took the advice to make the phone call sooner then later and called last night, it was the most surreal conversation i've ever had in my life. His answers to my question were replied to with alot of hostility. His tone and attitude was not friendly and I was not comfortable with anything he had to say. He did not give me one direct answer to my questions.

I left the conversation totally wore out. I told him that if he wanted to he could write a letter my son, post it to my parents address, and I would give it to him after his exams (he is doing his junior cert this year) He was not impressed with this.

Thinking about this since what exactly did he expect???? Im an adult and this contact has made me very confussed can you imagine what it would do to a teenager.

Im content with my decision, I feel right or wrong it is what I feel is right for my son at the moment.


Thanks again everyone I really dont know what I would have done without all this advice.

I think that's a very good way to handle it OP. I know if my daughters dad reappeared I would expect some answers and some explanation as to what his intentions were. I would not expect hostility on his part!!
But as I said earlier, I also don't feel it would be my place to withold the information from my child that the father had been in touch.
I think you have handled it beautifully and while it's more than he deserves, you're in the unfortunate position that while he may be a waste of space, he is still the childs father and as the childs mother, you have to put that first, ahead of personal feelings.

Best of luck OP and I hope your son takes it all well. And that he does well in his exams!

I am a friend

Advce please wrote: »

I took the advice to make the phone call sooner then later and called last night, it was the most surreal conversation i've ever had in my life. His answers to my question were replied to with alot of hostility. His tone and attitude was not friendly and I was not comfortable with anything he had to say. He did not give me one direct answer to my questions.

I left the conversation totally wore out. I told him that if he wanted to he could write a letter my son, post it to my parents address, and I would give it to him after his exams (he is doing his junior cert this year) He was not impressed with this.

Thinking about this since what exactly did he expect???? Im an adult and this contact has made me very confussed can you imagine what it would do to a teenager.

Im content with my decision, I feel right or wrong it is what I feel is right for my son at the moment.


Thanks again everyone I really dont know what I would have done without all this advice.

Well done - you were right to get it over and done with....

Did he explain at all why he suddenly wanted to meet him? If you only had 4 questions then he must have not wanted to explain at all....

You did the right thing. Well done to you and your son is a lucky boy to have you

greengirl31

Advce please wrote: »

I took the advice to make the phone call sooner then later and called last night, it was the most surreal conversation i've ever had in my life. His answers to my question were replied to with alot of hostility. His tone and attitude was not friendly and I was not comfortable with anything he had to say. He did not give me one direct answer to my questions.

I left the conversation totally wore out. I told him that if he wanted to he could write a letter my son, post it to my parents address, and I would give it to him after his exams (he is doing his junior cert this year) He was not impressed with this.

Thinking about this since what exactly did he expect???? Im an adult and this contact has made me very confussed can you imagine what it would do to a teenager.

Im content with my decision, I feel right or wrong it is what I feel is right for my son at the moment.


Thanks again everyone I really dont know what I would have done without all this advice.

OP that's bizarre isn't it ... Like what was he expecting ?? That he'd re-appear after 15 years and that you'd be just thrilled that he'd made the effort and welcome him with open arms back into yours and your son's life ?? But your suggestion of the letter is great - you've handled the whole thing just right - Well done