Girlfriend wants kids years before I'm ready

LegacyUser

I'm in a very happy long term relationship (4.5 years) and I love my girlfriend to bits. We've been having a bit of a disagreement lately about when we should settle down. She wants to try to start a family in 3 or 4 years and I don't think that either of us can support kids until much later.

We were both employed but due to downsizing we lost out full time jobs and both decided to do postgrad courses. She'll be finished in 2 years and mine is thesis based but I'm guessing I should be finished in a year. We both have small part time jobs but they only just cover the bills and rent and we can rarely afford to even go out. Neither of us have jobs lined up after this so I'm worried about our finances.

My girlfriend is 27 and is adament that in order to have 2 kids we need to start in 3 or 4 years as she does not want to be older than 35 as she is worried about the increase in risks for both her and the baby.

She thinks that having kids at the right age is the most important bit for health reasons and the rest will sort itself out but I think that you should be somewhat financially secure first. The thought of not being able to provide for my kids really scares me and the thought of having health problems coz we left it too late really scares her.

Who's right? What should we do?

This is causing tension in an otherwise brilliant relationship.

I am a friend

She is right!!! Look up fertility after 30 and ESP after 35!! You know how to research so research this!!

Can't believe you want to be with her 12 years before starting a family?!?!?!? You will be finished in a year so get more financially secure then but don't play god with her wishes to have children or she will resent you.

LegacyUser

somewhat financially secure first. The thought of not being able to provide for my kids really scares me and the thought of having health problems coz we left it too late really scares her.

Who's right?

She's right. You can't fight nature. Fertility declines sharply after 35, but is not ever guaranteed.

Being financially secure sounds a wee bit of a cop out OP. Having a family is scary, big adult stuff and yes you need money. So get on with it.

I'm afraid biological facts override financial issues. You need to get your finger out and get on board with her if you are serious. Women simply just do not have the luxury of waiting.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters about the fertility and health risks after the females age of 35.

But can you not just stick a pin in it? You know you love her, and you know you want kids with her. Loads can happen in the next few years. You may find you're ready sooner, or you may change your mind on kids altogether. You never know what could happen. There's no use arguing over something that is years away!

Bride2012

You both sound sensible and both have points but as the others said health and fertility beats not being as financially secure as you'd like. Who knows, in 3 or 4 years you could have a few years of a career under your belts. Look at it in terms or which would you regret more, struggling for a bit financially for the first while or not being able to have the two kids or bringing up kids with a disability (chances will increase with age). 35 is a sensible cut off point if you're in the right relationship.

nicechick!

confusedandworried wrote: »

I'm in a very happy long term relationship (4.5 years) and I love my girlfriend to bits. We've been having a bit of a disagreement lately about when we should settle down. She wants to try to start a family in 3 or 4 years and I don't think that either of us can support kids until much later.

We were both employed but due to downsizing we lost out full time jobs and both decided to do postgrad courses. She'll be finished in 2 years and mine is thesis based but I'm guessing I should be finished in a year. We both have small part time jobs but they only just cover the bills and rent and we can rarely afford to even go out. Neither of us have jobs lined up after this so I'm worried about our finances.

My girlfriend is 27 and is adament that in order to have 2 kids we need to start in 3 or 4 years as she does not want to be older than 35 as she is worried about the increase in risks for both her and the baby.

She thinks that having kids at the right age is the most important bit for health reasons and the rest will sort itself out but I think that you should be somewhat financially secure first. The thought of not being able to provide for my kids really scares me and the thought of having health problems coz we left it too late really scares her.

Who's right? What should we do?

This is causing tension in an otherwise brilliant relationship.

I think its a tad bit early to be stressing over this! Ideally I agree I think its important or the ideal would to have a more secure footing when having children but personally even if you started out that way circumstances can change I suppose you can't plan everything.

You have no idea where you'll both be in four years in fact it could be her changing her mind regarding children or that you want children!! I think discuss in future don't let it create tension just yet

I am a friend

I don't agree with the wait and see attitude. It's not that simple and your gf won't see it that simple as she wants a family sooner rather than later. In fairness, she should have borne this in mind and weighted up all possible outcomes before ye went back to study. Money is important but what good is all the money on the planet If ye want kids in 10 years time but can't have them...

Kevin Duffy

I am a friend wrote: »

She is right!!! Look up fertility after 30 and ESP after 35!! You know how to research so research this!!

Can't believe you want to be with her 12 years before starting a family?!?!?!? You will be finished in a year so get more financially secure then but don't play god with her wishes to have children or she will resent you.

Woah, back up the truck! The man doesn't have to have kids at a time when he doesn't feel he is ready! He's not playing God with her wishes, they're working it through, not stalled at his refusal.

I'll bet you wouldn't tell a woman to just get knocked up to suit her bloke, would you? Why should she get to resent his reluctance and he not get to resent her pressure?

OP, you gf is right about the biology and you talk alot of sense about the readiness of your siutuation. Where your compromise lies is for the two of you to work out. Have you actually worked out the specific financial implications of having kids, or is it an instinctive need on your part to feel you've prepared as much as possible?
Is it also possible that you're actually reluctant to have kids at all and the financial issues are an excuse rather than the reason?

I am a friend

The point is he needs, in the very short term figure out what he wants with regard kids and by when. Then he needs to tell his gf and she can make a decision whether to stay with him or not. If it were me and he didn't want kids fir a further 4/5/6 years I would not be willing to take the risk. Been there, done that...

Kevin Duffy

I am a friend wrote: »

The point is he needs, in the very short term figure out what he wants with regard kids and by when. Then he needs to tell his gf and she can make a decision whether to stay with him or not. If it were me and he didn't want kids fir a further 4/5/6 years I would not be willing to take the risk. Been there, done that...

And clearly he is trying to figure it out and it appears they're talking about it.

Comparing to your situation, either you knew and stayed and can take responsibility for that choice, or you didn't know 'cos you didn't ask the questions, which you also have to take responsibility for, or you asked and were misled which doesn't compare to the OP's situation as far as we know. I'm sorry your time was wasted, but hatever your situation, it doesn't appear to be the same.

I am a friend

Our points are the same - neither party should be forced to do what they don't want to do HOWEVER the truth needs to be out for all to see.

strandroad

She does not sound unreasonable at all. She is right about biology, fertility etc. If she was thinking about a 3-4 year frame it is plenty of time to start planning your finances and preparing - after all, you should be finished in a year and she in two. The thing is, to be planning and preparing for a child you both need to be sure you can make a commitment to this thought, even if it is several years away, and then work towards it. The question is, are you yourself ready to make this commitment? If you were, 3-4 years is a reasonable plan. But are you?

I've seen it happen that people who want to have children treat this intention as motivation to secure the finances etc rather than the other way around and they can achieve a lot "working for the baby". She might be of this mindset while you seem to be more "let's be secure first and perhaps then think of having children". Or you may simply be "not sure if I want children at all". Anyway - you need to bring it all in the open.

LegacyUser

All very well being financially secure for your child, but would you be emotionally secure if that child happened to have Downs' Syndrome? Re mums' age: at 30 risk of 1 in 1000, at 35 risk is about 1 in 300....so you effectively double to triple your risk by waiting those extra few years. But if you feel having a bit of extra money at that time would compensate for this...?
Also, what you consider financially secure now, will likely change (increase!) as time goes on....there'll always be demands. My parents have been married 35 years&have never been at a stage where they felt wholly "comfortable"...but us kids have all done well& had a fairly untraumatic childhood regardless.
You're clearly an intelligent man-research the medical facts on late motherhood.
Also, examine your emotional reaction- is the financial thing a smokescreen? In 3-4years time, you'll have been with your girlfriend 7-8 years in total. She'll have given you 7-8 years of her "best" (fertility-wise) years. It's a big sacrifice. Honour it by being honest with yourself and with her, today.

iguana

Another thing to consider is that just because you decide to have a family at a certain time doesn't mean it will happen then. I was 29 when my husband and I started trying for a baby. We were together 6.5 years at the time and married 2, tbh I'd have liked to have tried much, much earlier but we decided to put it off as my husband's career is unstable and if we waited we would get ourselves into a position where I could afford to be a stay at home mother.

3 years ago we had saved a lot of money and were incredibly comfortable financially. I got pregnant first month we tried. So all seemed excellent. Then just as fast I miscarried, we had to wait a couple of cycles before we could try again. By then my husband wasn't well and we couldn't seem to manage to try at the right time each month. It turned out this was because he was actually very unwell and we had to stop try completely. A year later his condition deteriorated significantly and he almost died. For the next year he was in an out of hospital constantly.

Around this time last year he finally started to recover and at the start of 2011 we started trying again. Nothing happened more than 2 suspected chemical pregnancies during the summer, that's when you conceive but the zygote fails to implant or develop past 8 days. In June we went to our doctor and it turns out the medication my husband on is one which interferes with his fertility hormones and possibly was the cause of the chemical pregnancies. So then we had to stop trying until he could wean himself off it. Then this month, finally, over 3 years after we decided to begin trying, we were able to start over. But it on the 2 days a month that we could get pregnant on, my husband had a tummy bug, so that's another month gone. I'm terrified now that it won't happen for us, at best I'll be 33 when I have a first baby and I feel like complete shít about it. And the real kicker is that the last few years have put a pretty big dent in those savings we prioritised all those years ago, and we've changed our priorities so much in that time that the lifestyle we had planned for isn't something we really want anyway. The fact is that the best laid plans go oft awry.

You only get a small window in which to have a baby and you can't really decided when it's going to happen. Women might have a shorter window than men but male fertility decreases fairly drastically as men age too. Sperm volume, quantity, activity and dna stability all decrease quite a bit as you get older. Those 65 year old fathers of newborns are only newsworthy because they aren't the norm. So it's not just your girlfriend who needs to be considering biology.

There is never any "right" time to have a baby. Nobody is ever, ever ready for it, no matter how much they desire it or how hard they work at it. It will still change your life, no matter when you do it. However there is sure as hell a wrong time biologically and putting it off and putting it off can mean that it never happens. If that's a consequence you can live with then you need to work that out and if it is you need to make that clear to your girlfriend so she can then decide what's more important to her.

qwertytlk

Your both right! But from you p.o.v Money is important as kids are very expensive! But in all honesty there really is never a right time to have a baby. There will always be something else happening that will make it seem like the wrong time. Job promotion, debt etc etc. So in my opinion there isnt really much point falling out over something that is years away from potentially happening. If you do actually want kids with this girl at some point why not try and discuss meeting in the middle on this. As in 'i want to have a baby with you, but i want us to be financially secure and do it without putting ourselves in a position where there coud be risks to baby, so lets see where we are all in respects in a few years'. And once you get jobs and finish college, start saving! I mean who knows what could happen between now and then, you could win the lotto for all you know!

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you for all of the replies, great points. My girlfriend wants it all out in the open because I think that it could be a dealbreaker for her.

I do want kids with her but I suppose that the financial situation may be at least partially responsible for putting it on the back burner as I scares me. I always imagined that we'd be financially secure in our early 30s but it's seeming less and less likely now. It's like some kind of inner need to give them the best really but I need to weigh this up against all of her and your points.

LegacyUser

OP back, we both want to get married before trying too so I would like a few quid for the big day but neither of us really want a very BIG day so it could be done I suppose.

Big long talk needed between us and I will do the research on older parents too, thanks again.

LegacyUser

She's right. Although there's never a perfect time, safety is more important than tightening your belt in the short term. You'd regret not being able to have them or problems so much more. If you really can't do it then, tell her now and let her decide her course of action.

In the grand scheme of things a few years earlier than ideal but with the right person is better than leaving it too late.

OP there is never really a perfect time when you're going to feel just financially secure enough. And a wedding does not have to cost more than a reg fee, to be frank.
And it can take years to conceive- just because you've decided to start trying at such an age doesn't mean you're going to succeed.

Neyite

OP,
Myself and my partner had a chat like that a few years ago. Here is how we arrived at our 'time for kids'
We knew that I would have until my late thirties at the most to safely have a child,
We knew we wanted more than 2 - not sure if 3/4 but we wanted to have the time to have 4 if we wanted.
1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage.
It can take healthy couples up to a year to concieve.
It takes 9 months to have a child - combine that with weaning before you get pregnant again /any delays due to miscarriage and you are looking a year to 18 months per child.

I was already 33. So we got started. We had to. Thanks to the recession our lofty aspirations of being married and our house built before kids came along were seriously delayed, so we went ahead with what biology dictated.

I am now 6 weeks pregnant for the first time, all going well, this child will be born after my 37th birthday. Both of us passed all the usual tests in the fertility clinic, yet it still eluded us.

A year of treatment in a fertility clinic and something finally worked, but it took every spare penny and a lot of stress. I have a long way to go before this child is safely in my arms, and we will be lucky to have another one or two before I am too old.

In medical terms, a pregnancy over the age of 35 is sometimes referred to as a "geriatric pregnancy" makes you think, doesnt it?

I hope you both come to a mutual decision that you both are comfortable with.

Bride2012

Lots of food for thought here for you. It can be harder for men sometimes to see 35 as a cut off as in all other situations it's so young these days. Are you the same age as your girlfriend or a bit younger?

LegacyUser

No, I'm not younger. I didn't add my age as I thought that people would instantly take my girlfriend's side if they knew and wanted to see how people viewed the whole situation but as people pointed out, she'd probably right anyway. So here it is, I'm 40.

I am a friend

confusedandworried wrote: »

No, I'm not younger. I didn't add my age as I thought that people would instantly take my girlfriend's side if they knew and wanted to see how people viewed the whole situation but as people pointed out, she'd probably right anyway. So here it is, I'm 40.

Without being patronising, I cannot believe you got to 40 years of age not knowing about age and womens fertility.

You should also know that your own fertility drops over 40 and it may be harder for her to conceive at 30 with 43 years old sperm.... Check this out

http://menshealth.about.com/od/conditions/a/Age_fertility.htm

LegacyUser

If you've kids on your schedule, you'll be pushing 50 years of age, racing after a toddler. You'll be approaching retirement age as they enter college. With all due respect, kids and teenagers are HARD work...the extra few years may make all the difference, energy-wise. Also, wouldn't it be nice to maximise your chances of being around to see your children get married& have kids themselves? Just a thought.

strandroad

confusedandworried wrote: »

No, I'm not younger. I didn't add my age as I thought that people would instantly take my girlfriend's side if they knew and wanted to see how people viewed the whole situation but as people pointed out, she'd probably right anyway. So here it is, I'm 40.

Well then your girlfriend is a saint Honestly not many women would be calmly discussing several years timeframe for children with a 40yo guy who still does not seem to be quite sure. Make up your mind and stick to whatever you decide!

Mighty_Mouse

My girlfriend is 27 and is adament that in order to have 2 kids we need to start in 3 or 4 years

I was going to say............don't worry to much about it by the time you hit your early 30's you'll feel a shift in your own attitude towards kids etc. Stuff that might of scared you in your 20's will feel natural in your 30's......

but.........

So here it is, I'm 40.

Why do you not feel you can afford a kid?

Are you a person that lives for tomorrow?
Is it always a case of the next job, the next increase, the next few grand saved.............etc you'll feel comfortable.
If so, chances are you never will get it together to the point where things feel pitch perfect..............the reason is the goalposts will just keep moving................its just your personality.

as she does not want to be older than 35 as she is worried about the increase in risks for both her and the baby.

She's right, you're wrong.

She thinks that having kids at the right age is the most important bit for health reasons and the rest will sort itself out

Shes right, you're wrong.

The thought of not being able to provide for my kids really scares me

You're 40. You should have a fair idea of where your at income-wise.
Without winning the lotto what dramatic income changes are going to happen to get your life to the point where your minted enough to have kids comfortably?

Eitherways, you have 2 years to do everything necessary to get yourself as financially ready as possible.

Bride2012

I was imagining 25-29 and a bit confused but 40! You must know your own mind by now surely. You're lucky to have such an understanding girlfriend, I know that in that situation I wouldn't be. Make a decision and let her know while she's young enough to have choices.

LegacyUser

I think you're right. You absolutley need to be financially secure before bringing children into the world. Its irresponsible to do otherwise.

Taltos

guest_today wrote: »

I think you're right. You absolutley need to be financially secure before bringing children into the world. Its irresponsible to do otherwise.

But at 40 you have to figure you are about as financially secure as you are going to get.
Maybe it is time to ask yourself the tough question here, you know she wants a kid, but do you?

If you are any way not 100% sure you do then walk. Otherwise if you go through with this and you are not sure then the pressure of a squealing baby could see you walk anyway...

If you do want a kid, the truth is there is rarely if ever a good time, but do you want a good chance of being there for the 21st or the wedding?

LegacyUser

Guesttoday, lets call a spade a spade here. If the OP has reached the age of 40 (ie: a minimum of 15years in the workplace), & still doesn't feel he's financially secure, not much is going to change in the next few years.
Also, the very nature of growing older is that you become less of a risk taker, you weigh up the pros and cons more, and generally tend to be more cautious, worry more. It's a bit confusing that the OP is worrying more about the financial side of things (which can fluctuate& change), versus the health risks to mother and child (something no amount of money can buy). Personally I think his priorities are askew.

Neyite

Wow. You are 40? did not see that one coming.

OP, my dad was in his early forties getting married, I guess like you, he wanted to have a home and a few quid in the bank before kids came along. The difference was his wife to be was in her early twenties so they had that bit of time on her side.

My dad died of old age a few years ago. He wont get to ever hold the grandchild I am carrying, nor will he walk me up the aisle. Same goes for my younger siblings.

Jack B. Badd

Taltos wrote: »

Maybe it is time to ask yourself the tough question here, you know she wants a kid, but do you?

I think this is a pretty pertinent question. Some childfree people are early articulators and figure out that they don't want children at a very early age and are vocal about it. Others just kind of drift, not thinking about it in any depth until it confronts them, for example, when their partner voices their desires.

If you've reached 40 without giving the decision or suitable timing any great thought, I think you should give yourself an opportunity to think about whether you actually want children. I'm not saying that you don't necessarily but you should think about it - it's not a given. Good luck with your choice and your partner and potential future children

LegacyUser

Hey OP - I started a similar thread a few weeks ago. I was in a similar situation to you - but the end result was that our relationship ended over this issue. There were many reasons why I was reluctant to have children; finances were certainly a major consideration. Both of us were in low paid jobs that we were not really happy in and I wanted to be firmly established in a career that I was somewhat happy with before I started raising children. Before I met herself I was very flippant and cavalier in my attitude to children, the prospect of raising children scared me enormously and I just wanted to put it off for as long as possible. As our relationship grew more seriously I was forced to give the issue some very serious thought. Long story short, having children in the next 2/3 years was just a bridge too far for me. I'm 29 and she's 27. For her, children were a logical step. For me it was too daunting a prospect. We split over 3 months ago and it still hurts enormously.

Based on my experiences I'd suggest you have very hard think about these matters:

Be honest with yourself. Is this really a purely financial decision? Are there other things about having children that scare you? Are you reluctant to give up your freedom? Does the thought of re-orienting your life to care for someone else seem daunting? Are you afraid it will change your relationship with your girlfriend? These are all understandable fears; they are quintessentially male fears and for a lot of women they can be hard to comprehend. Whatever about being afraid to voice your true feelings here, do not try to hide them from yourself.

Some of my reasons for being reluctant to have children were purely selfish. I felt that I'd be settling down too early. I'm still a bit of a party animal and I have a very active sense of adventure and getting a house in the 'burbs and spending my weekends wheeling a stroller around a shopping centre was not appealing to me. That was my gut instinct anyway, there are huge questions for me over the wisdom of my current way of life but that's another story. The reason I'm mentioning this is to give you a bit of perspective. You're 40 man. You should consider yourself very lucky to have had so many years behind you and to only be facing into these potential responsibilities now. Of my my male friends my age who have kids, they all love being fathers but they all miss the carefree days an awful lot. All I'm saying is count your blessings.

I think you know yourself that the choice facing you is not simply between having children soon or delaying it. It's between having children soon or ending the relationship. We were faced with this dilemma and the decision we made could still end up haunting me for years to come.

LegacyUser

OP here. It's not a case of if you haven't your finances sorted now you never will with me really. I invested all of my spare cash over the years into a business which failed recently and then I got another job but lost that too so I went back to college to try to start again. I think that you are right though, her time frame or never. Just have to figure out which one.

I am a friend

confusedandworried wrote: »

OP here. It's not a case of if you haven't your finances sorted now you never will with me really. I invested all of my spare cash over the years into a business which failed recently and then I got another job but lost that too so I went back to college to try to start again. I think that you are right though, her time frame or never. Just have to figure out which one.

Sorry to hear about your business...

All is can say to you is think fast as time is not on her side if she has to finish with you and move on to meet someone etc...

Cant understand why couples take 3 or 4 years to start to talk about this stuff.... :eek::eek:

StudentDad

I am a friend wrote: »

confusedandworried wrote: »

OP here. It's not a case of if you haven't your finances sorted now you never will with me really. I invested all of my spare cash over the years into a business which failed recently and then I got another job but lost that too so I went back to college to try to start again. I think that you are right though, her time frame or never. Just have to figure out which one.

Sorry to hear about your business...

All is can say to you is think fast as time is not on her side if she has to finish with you and move on to meet someone etc...

Cant understand why couples take 3 or 4 years to start to talk about this stuff.... :eek::eek:

None is ever really 'ready' for children. They are something that require sacrifices etc. etc. Listen to your partner - she's the one who has to carry the child to term and if she feels waiting isn't a good idea - you should listen.

As someone who has been there bought the t-shirt pregnancy is scary enough when things go perfectly. The last thing ye need is to stack the odds against ye.

SD

PeterIanStaker

OP, be careful she doesn't try and "trap" you by going off her pill, etc.

http://thebritgirl.com/2006/12/02/men-think-youre-not-having-a-baby-think-again/

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,690045,00.html

Ickle Magoo

PeterIanStaker, the OP has posted because their partner is talking to them about their wishes to have a family - there has been no evidence given that his partner is going to try to trap him - linking to other cases is not giving the OP any constructive advice on how to deal with the issue they have actually posted about.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

kylith

OP, I am in pretty much your GF's position. The fact that my reproductive hopes have an expiry date is weighing very heavily on my mind of late, as it is on your girlfriend's, you really do need to understand that the risk to health, or of never conceiving, if left to late cannot be understated.

According to my mother you will never have enough money, enough time, or enough space to have children. If you want them you should have them, and the money will work itself out.

You need to figure out if you actually do want to have children. If you do then set a plan with your partner as to when and start saving for the bigger things you'll need. If you don't then you need to tell your girlfriend and decide if that's it for your relationship. Please do it soon.

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

According to my mother you will never have enough money, enough time, or enough space to have children. If you want them you should have them, and the money will work itself out.

Couldnt disagree more. Saying "the money will work itself" out is irresponisble. You need to be in a concrete position before having children otherwise you're just having them for your own selfish reasons and not thinking about their benefit. A child deserves to be born into a situation where at the very least, its medical, physical, dental, and educational needs are 100% looked after. A child deserves the best and if you cant give that child the best then you need to ask yourself why you're having kids in the first place.

Mighty_Mouse

A child deserves to be born into a situation where at the very least, its medical, physical, dental, and educational needs are 100% looked after.

Madness. So only the rich should conceive?
This country was founded on primary education, crooked teeth & siblings clothing!

iguana

Guest_today wrote: »

A child deserves to be born into a situation where at the very least, its medical, physical, dental, and educational needs are 100% looked after.

All of which are taken care of when necessary, or heavily subsidised the rest of the time by the state in this country, even with the state of the economy.

Ickle Magoo

Okay folks, whether the OP and his partner have sufficient funds for children is a discussion for the OP and their partner - this isn't a general debate on having personal funds prior to having children.

Could posters respond to the OP and the issue they have posted about with constructive advice please.

Many thanks.

hunnybunny

She thinks that having kids at the right age is the most important bit for health reasons and the rest will sort itself out but I think that you should be somewhat financially secure first. The thought of not being able to provide for my kids really scares me and the thought of having health problems coz we left it too late really scares her.

Who's right? What should we do?

This is causing tension in an otherwise brilliant relationship.

Woah OP, I don't know what it is with all bashing you on the head, banging on about biological clocks, being 40 and that. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Better to admit that, than a bring a child into the world that you ll end up resenting or you'll end resenting your partner so much that you break up anyway.

Its all about the time. For some people it may never be right but then do they really want kids? I for example do want children but wouldn t dream of having them in my 20s. There is nothing wrong with having children later in life and you shouldn't feel pressured to do it at a time that isn't right. Is it really fair on the child if you can't give them an emotionaly secure and stable background? As a teacher I have seen too many children damaged by their parents dysfunctional relationships and nasty break ups. Yet I have seen so many brilliant mature parents who ve had to wait to have their children.

It annoys me when people go on about age risks and fertility. I know one lady who gave birth at 55. Her husband was 64 (no kidding). Their daughter is now seven and is the most loved and happiest little girl I have ever seen in my years of teaching. Some people tut but I would defend their choice to the hillls. My mother had her last child at 40 and I couldn't get over some peoples attitudes even going as far to say she was selfish (thank god attitudes have changed). People can and do have chn beyond their 30's and who is anyone to judge them for their decision.

I have seen far too many young mums who can't be bothered to send their kids to school with a healthy meal or even pick them up on time. Who would I choose to be a parent?

Though you may have to accept that your partner will not be able for this. I think you need to decide if you are strong enough to cope with the challenges of having a child. It changes everything and being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do but I should add the most rewarding. OP don't let your age dictate to you but rather your feelings about children and your partner.

I am a friend

A 55 year old giving birth is very much the exception / a miracle and not the norm.

I have very healthy friends in their late 30's who cannot conceive so it's nOt fair to advise him not to think about age.

Everyone hears about the exceptions - the women having kids in their 40's but you don't hear the many, many stories of couples who don't get there

hunnybunny

jklhjk wrote: »

If you've kids on your schedule, you'll be pushing 50 years of age, racing after a toddler. You'll be approaching retirement age as they enter college. With all due respect, kids and teenagers are HARD work...the extra few years may make all the difference, energy-wise. Also, wouldn't it be nice to maximise your chances of being around to see your children get married& have kids themselves? Just a thought.

You could get run over by a car tomorrow. Who is to say anyone is around for that long? Once you are a good,competent parent what does age matter, when there so many incompetent parents who neglect their chn? :rolleyes:
A healthy, safe,secure loving home is all any child needs (and to be honest should be entitled to). I don't think you can put an age restriction on that!

Ickle Magoo

Having kids into your 50's is rather missing the point of the OP - whose girlfriend wants kids in the next few years. Rather than extolling the virtues of older parents, could we stick to giving the OP advice on what they actually posted about.

Many thanks.

hunnybunny

Oops. Just noted that Ickle Magoo.

My point is not about fertility, I know the chances get smaller but at the end of the day the child comes first in any decision, not age. Age doesn't affect you being a good parent.
If the OP isn't ready that could be extremely damaging for the child to either be resented or for the pressure and the effect on their homelife. On the flipside, if this was the OPs girlfriend talking I would tell her if it means that much to her sort it or move on, as I can appreciate someone feeling the desire to have a child soon.
Seeing as its the OP I would tell him only do it if you are ready and don't bring an innocent child into the equation as he could seriously mess up that kids life if he/she isn't wanted by him.

I am a friend

hunnybunny wrote: »

You could get run over by a car tomorrow. Who is to say anyone is around for that long? Once you are a good,competent parent what does age matter, when there so many incompetent parents who neglect their chn? :rolleyes:
A healthy, safe,secure loving home is all any child needs (and to be honest should be entitled to). I don't think you can put an age restriction on that!

Age matters to his girlfriend - she doesn't Wang to be older than early 30's having kids.

Chinafoot

hunnybunny wrote:

Age doesn't affect you being a good parent.

Calling bullshít on that one. You think a 71 year old man is better able to deal with a 7 year old child than someone in their 30s/40s? Nonsense. Selfish in the extreme. As 'I am a friend' said, age might not be a factor for you but it is for the girlfriend in this scenario and that is her right. The girlfriend is putting her prospective children first by wanting them to have young and healthy parents.

OP, I'm confused by your thread title. It says "Girlfriend wants kids years before I'm ready." Your girlfriend is 27 and has said she wants to start at 30/31. You are 40 so that would make you 43/44 when you start trying to conceive. This, to you, is "years before" you are ready??

This isn't about money. You know it isn't about money. If you don't want kids then you need to tell her and you need to let her go so she can find someone who wants the same in life as she does.

Jack B. Badd

Chinafoot wrote: »

This isn't about money. You know it isn't about money. If you don't want kids then you need to tell her and you need to let her go so she can find someone who wants the same in life as she does.

It would be good if the OP were allowed the opportunity to determine for himself whether or not he wants children. He's a potential father, not a sperm donor, so the choice of whether to have children (and when) will have a significant impact on his life, not just his partner's.

It's not a question of "holding his partner's chance of motherhood hostage" (as some posts have alluded to), but she's not the only person who may be adversely affected by the wrong choice - hell, if they have children, it can be argued that the person most affected by the choice will be the child. So it makes sense for both potential parents to consider all aspects and concerns regarding having children.

And I would advise the OP to tell his partner that he's giving consideration to his concerns and choices. Even if he doesn't consider them with her, at least she knows that she shouldn't just assume that he'll follow her life-plan re children. And if she wants to leave because of that, well that's her choice.