How often do your children visit their grandparents?

Ms. Pingui

How often do your children visit their maternal and paternal grandparents?
Are you married/ in a relationship or are you a single parent?
Do you have a good relationship with their grandparents?

I am a single mother of a 15 month old girl and im being constantly harrassed by her paternal grandparents to visit them. Just wanted to know what the general opinion on the topic is. Thanks!

Moonbeam

I try to bring them to both grandparents as much as possible.
They would see my parents at least once a month and his for a few days every 2 months or so.
They are the only grandchildren and the grandparents want to be involved which I think is wonderful and both generations benefit.
We are not married but live together.
I think if they are not a pain in the behind be happy they want to be involved and let them visit and visit them.
The kids should not loose out.
Do they live far away?

yosemite_sam

My girls visit my parents every Saturday, and have done since they were babies.

Ms. Pingui

Moonbeam wrote: »

I try to bring them to both grandparents as much as possible.
They would see my parents at least once a month and his for a few days every 2 months or so.
They are the only grandchildren and the grandparents want to be involved which I think is wonderful and both generations benefit.
We are not married but live together.
I think if they are not a pain in the behind be happy they want to be involved and let them visit and visit them.
The kids should not loose out.
Do they live far away?

They live about 2 hours away from me and as I dont drive visits are a bit of a nightmare! They are'nt very nice people and refuse to travel down here to see my daughter. They insist on long visits and are not flexable about it in the slightest!

Moonbeam

That is different so.
In that case I would tell them that they can visit and give them a choice of times and days eg Every 2nd Saturday at 12.
Does your child see their father?can he not bring them?

Cat Melodeon

My in-laws don't live in Ireland so we try to get over to see them twice a year and they come here twice a year (about a week each time). My own parents are deceased so no visits there, but I do visit one out of my siblings or some of my aunts/uncles about one a month. My family are close and I'm lucky that I get on great with my in-laws. If we lived near my in-laws I imagine we'd be there all the time (my mother-in-law is really lovely and loves taking my lad off places). If it was further away but in the same country, I imagine we'd be there about once a month. Or maybe we get on so well because we don't see too much of each other...

Ms. Pingui

My daughters father is deceased. I would'nt mind making the long akward journey more often if they stopped trying to intimidate me. Im not comfortable around the family at all. Its an issue that stresses me ot a great deal. I don't want to be forced to do things on their terms.

January

My girls see my parents nearly every day, but that's because they live less than a five minute walk away... they see my partners parents every Sunday, we go for dinner in their house.

Moonbeam

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

My daughters father is deceased. I would'nt mind making the long akward journey more often if they stopped trying to intimidate me. Im not comfortable around the family at all. Its an issue that stresses me ot a great deal. I don't want to be forced to do things on their terms.

Sorry to hear that.

You need to set your terms and they need to abide by them.Does he have siblings that could talk to them for you?

Ms. Pingui

Moonbeam wrote: »

Sorry to hear that.

You need to set your terms and they need to abide by them.Does he have siblings that could talk to them for you?

Yes but unfortunatly they are all of the same mindset! You would think that grandparents would be pleasent to the parent in order for things to work out smoothly. They even tried to go over my head about it and arrange a meeting with my parents to make formal plans. I thought that was well out of order! I think im the only one who should make the decisions on it. As I said before though, they intimidate me and pressurise me!

EGAR

What rights do grandparents have in Ireland?

The question never arose for my partner and myself as all save one of my son's grandparents are dead and the remaining one lives 2000 miles away without any contact.

James Jones

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

You would think that grandparents would be pleasent to the parent in order for things to work out smoothly. They even tried to go over my head about it and arrange a meeting with my parents to make formal plans. I thought that was well out of order! I think im the only one who should make the decisions on it. As I said before though, they intimidate me and pressurise me!

OH-oh!
You need to be careful with this bunch. They live two hours away from you and you don't drive but they expect you to bring your child to them even though their own children won't help out? You need to be aware that they have NO RIGHTS AT ALL. They are liked unmarried fathers. However, just like unmarried fathers they can apply to the Courts for rights. If you don't make some sort of compromise and they have already shown a willingness to go above your head they will eventually apply to Court and they will probably get some sort of visitation. Then, the ball is taken firmly out of you court.
Best thing is to try and go down once. Tell them you'll try again as soon as you can. If needs be , make a commitment so you can get out of there and then break it. Make a new arrangement some other time. The main thing in YOUR head is to avoid a scenario where they can have an excuse to bring you to Court.
You will eventually get to a stage where the travel won't be so bad cause your daughter will be older and you will be able to drop your daughter in Grannies and go shopping/get your hair done/ see a movie/have a coffee etc..
Imagine getting away for a few hours to do all of the above? I know you don't hop on a bus/train to go shopping/get your hair done/ see a movie/have a coffee but imagine getting the chance to do them all, once a month/every six weeks?
If your daughter objects to being left, you have the perfect excuse to curtail the visits. You are bringing your daughter to see them, you are not going to see them yourself so make it clear that you are not going to sit around making small talk .

By the way, I don't mean to be hard on them but, if you take them into consideration , they have lost their son and your daughter brings him back for them. That's most likely why they are putting you under so much pressure.
Maybe if you give in a little, the pressure won't be so bad?

By the way, other peoples situation is exactly that- other peoples situation.
You just take care of yourself and your daughter as best you can and don't compare( Don't Compare has to be said in the same tone as the insurance ad!).

Ms. Pingui

James Jones wrote: »

OH-oh!
You need to be careful with this bunch. They live two hours away from you and you don't drive but they expect you to bring your child to them even though their own children won't help out? You need to be aware that they have NO RIGHTS AT ALL. They are liked unmarried fathers. However, just like unmarried fathers they can apply to the Courts for rights. If you don't make some sort of compromise and they have already shown a willingness to go above your head they will eventually apply to Court and they will probably get some sort of visitation. Then, the ball is taken firmly out of you court.
Best thing is to try and go down once. Tell them you'll try again as soon as you can. If needs be , make a commitment so you can get out of there and then break it. Make a new arrangement some other time. The main thing in YOUR head is to avoid a scenario where they can have an excuse to bring you to Court.
You will eventually get to a stage where the travel won't be so bad cause your daughter will be older and you will be able to drop your daughter in Grannies and go shopping/get your hair done/ see a movie/have a coffee etc..
Imagine getting away for a few hours to do all of the above? I know you don't hop on a bus/train to go shopping/get your hair done/ see a movie/have a coffee but imagine getting the chance to do them all, once a month/every six weeks?
If your daughter objects to being left, you have the perfect excuse to curtail the visits. You are bringing your daughter to see them, you are not going to see them yourself so make it clear that you are not going to sit around making small talk .

By the way, I don't mean to be hard on them but, if you take them into consideration , they have lost their son and your daughter brings him back for them. That's most likely why they are putting you under so much pressure.
Maybe if you give in a little, the pressure won't be so bad?

By the way, other peoples situation is exactly that- other peoples situation.
You just take care of yourself and your daughter as best you can and don't compare( Don't Compare has to be said in the same tone as the insurance ad!).

Yes they are exactly the type that would bring me to court. Why be nice to someone so that they would want to visit when yo can force them instead. :rolleyes: When I have visited they will get me a lift up bt give me no way home so that I am stuck there for an unknown amount of days untill I am rescued by a member of my own family who drives up to collect me. Its pretty awful!
They always belittle me and make me feel like a stupid child in the way they treat me. They have been invited down to see my daughter but they refuse to drive down themselves and want me to jump and make the journey whenever I am summoned! I have never liked or got on with these people in all the time I have known them, except now I have nobody to speak up for me and it is a cause of great stress for me. I really feel bullied.

Morag

Don't go.
Why would you go stay somewhere like that were you are not comfortable and you are mistreated. Explain that they are welcome to come and visit but over the winter you will not be going to stay at their house that currently your child need routine and over nights are no longer an option.

Speak to your parents about this as well, explain how you feel, what boundaries you are putting in place and that you want support and not for the other grandparents trying to undermine you.

cynder

I know your daughter is only little but they are her only link to her daddy, they are the only one who can tell her about what her daddy was like when he was little.

BUT, dont let them intimidate you. Give your daughter a chance to know her daddy through his parents. She has every right to know her grandparents, it would be helpful if they could make the journey to you, could you not reach a compromise that if you go down this time that next time they come to you.

As you daughter gets older she will love looking through all the photos that her grandparents have of her daddy and she will love the storeys they tell her of what he got up to as a kid.

Don't cut them off, just find a way through that suits all of you, the most important person in this is your daughter.... not you.....

sorry if the last bit sounds harsh, but its true.......

cynder

Just to add im married my parents are in the uk (well my dad died so my moms in the uk)

My in-laws are a few mile away kids see them whenever they want and grandparents see them whenever they want. My sister in laws all 4 of them also have unrestricted access to my kids, one lives 10 mile away the other 3 live the other end of the country and come down and visit or we go up there. my eldest now 12 loves looking at all the old photos of her dad when he was a kid and the storeys her aunties tell her about him and the storeys her grandparents tell her about him. Her grandfather is going to be her conformation sponsor and that was her choice. She has a great relationship with her dads parents.

Lola92

OP that sounds like a very hard situation. If I were you then I would allow the grandparents to visit on my terms. To expect you to travel so far with a young child and not to have a way of you to get home when you want to is a bit much. I would let them know in no uncertain terms that you won't be jumping on their say so anymore.

Our daughter sees her maternal grandparents every month or so usually for a long weekend ( they live 2 hours away). My partners mam would call in usually twice a week for an hour or two and we go out to their house maybe once every 4/5 weeks for the day also.

However I have recently moved to Dublin to be closer to college so she now sees my parents every day and her other grandparents at the weekend for a short while.

username123

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

Why be nice to someone so that they would want to visit when yo can force them instead. :rolleyes: When I have visited they will get me a lift up bt give me no way home so that I am stuck there for an unknown amount of days untill I am rescued by a member of my own family who drives up to collect me. Its pretty awful!
They always belittle me and make me feel like a stupid child in the way they treat me.

Where do they live? Can you not arrange a set time for a visit and use train/bus to get there and agree a set number of days for the visit and again use train/bus to go home? I agree its a bit of a hassle having to do the public transport thing when they could be driving, but if you made such arrangements YOU would be taking control and not just feeling like youre stuck - it might also help you not to feel like a stupid child as you will have made the arrangements to leave when it suits you.

cynder

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

Yes I agree with what you're saying. I do want my daughter to have a relationship with her dads family. I don't like the fact that they won't compromise no matter how many chances I have given them. They have an arrogent sense of entitlement on all matters of life and think they should be the ones to dictate the who, when and where of all visits.

I know she is their only link to their son but they cannot replace him with her, which is what they are trying to do. Is there any way I can get them to accept the fact that she is my daughter, not theirs and that I have the right to make the decisions?

Since you daughter is so young i take it that its only in the last 2 years that her daddy died, its still very raw for them, (my aunt died at age 24 her parents never got over it, they began to except it only after 20 years, she also was childless).

Is there another in-law that you have contact with that could help his parents be more understanding to your circumstances. If you live so far away they probably dont know you that well, could you meet them on neutral territory, a hotel? or a half way point? have you tried writing a letter to them, a nice warm hearted letter, non confrontational letter inviting them to be part of the child's life but on certain terms a little give n take, as in your willing to go down to them if they are wiling to come up to you, if you can by any chance book them into a hotel near you on a special rate for the weekend (if you have the money) and give it to them as a gift maybe include it in your heartfelt letter. once they make the journey once they might be more willing to do it again.

My inlaws are in their 70s and , if we were living 200 mile away theres not a hope in hell they would visit, as they are not as fit as they used to be. They stopped traveling distances even before i had my daughter 12 years ago, how old are his mom and dad, if they are over 60 i can understand them not being too willing to travel a long distance. unless of course there was a weekend away in it for them (as my above idea).


Just wondering what decisions are you talking about the decision to visit them or not, or are they trying to 'butt in' in other areas?

some inlaws are a pain, just ask cathy moran you think you have it bad... poor cathy.... she might be a good one to ask for advice.....

James Jones

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I tried getting there by bus once. I have no problem with using public transport at all but I had to bring a buggy, a car seat for when we got there and a good bit of luggage to keep the two of us going for the few days. I also had to manage a screaming toddler and all of this by myself! I swear I nearly went grey over it and that was just the way up! I still had to wait for a lift back to the bus station to go home and was guilt tripped about leaving!

What about doing the trip in one day? Then you don't have to bring any luggage OR stay over in the bedroom of your deceased boyfriend.

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I have lost my boyfriend and have been left as a struggling single mother, so its extremely emotional for me too. Its not at all nice visiting my boyfriends house given my circumstances and having to sleep in his old bedroom is horrible.

Your grief is much more important to you than their grief is to you. You must look after yourself and prioritise yourself for the sake of your daughter. Having to sleep in his old room is just cruelty.

cynder

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I have lost my boyfriend and have been left as a struggling single mother, so its extremely emotional for me too. Its not at all nice visiting my boyfriends house given my circumstances and having to sleep in his old bedroom is horrible.

!

That it is.



I think it will be easier to tell them what your feeling and what you want from them/what you dont want from them on neutral ground or in a letter. But do emphasis that you want them to be part of your daughters life but that their has to be a bit of give and take that you cant do all the traveling

*hugs*

cynder

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

Yes maybe a day trip is the way to go! I would jst worry about travelling for that length of time with a toddler. If it was doable I suppose I could give it a go.

The problem' I think is down to a lot of resentment I feel for them and vice versa. I am angry for the way they treated my boyfriend before he died and for causing issues in our relationship which caused us to spilt shortly before his death. I feel as though there is a lot of silent blame flying around (especially from them to me) and it makes the atmosphere extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how I can handle regular visits as for me its a lose/ lose situation. The whole situation makes me feel panicky

Time is a great healer...

13 years ago my husbands parents wanted us to split up, they would pick better girls for him to see, that was until i told them i was pregnant, after our daughter was born everything changed... I get on great with all my in laws.... have done for the last 12 years, i had to put all the resentment behind me, his one sister never spoke to me for the whole of the pregnancy i would say hello if i bumped into her in the store and she would blank me, the day my daughter was born she was my first visitor, i could of told her to get out, but i didn't and we get on great now, we will spend 3 hours at a time chatting. We have even been to concerts together, she is 9 years older than me. I talk and see my husbands family more than he does.

Put the past behind you and look to the future, for the sake of your daughter. If i had handled the above differently we could have been a feuding family, i had every right to deny my sister in law access but i tell you she is a mighty babysitter a fantastic aunt and a good friend.

cynder

Then you really need to set them straight.

Perhaps you should speak with a grief counsellor who would be of a better support to you. I'm sure they would advise you on how to deal with the in laws when they try to put you on a guilt trip or ways of stopping the in laws from blaming you.

Blame is part of the grieving process. My grandparents blamed my dad for his sisters death even though he was in a different country, they needed someone to blame (there was a question over suicide but the coroner gave a verdict of death by misadventure as there was no suicide note and the garage door was open 4 inches, the car had a full tank of petrol and she was drunk after an argument with her flat mate)


I think it maybe worth while talking to a grief counsellor.

Daisy M

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I accept what you're saying and in those circumstances I could see myself being able to put the past behind me. In my case though his family believe it is my fault that their son is dead and make subtle hints at me about this but never say anything straight out. It is in no way my fault and it is very distressing. It feels to me that they are trying to make me feel guilty so they can be pushy about my daughters visits and make me feel that I have to pay them some sort of sick compensation. But because they are so sly about their tactics I cannot say anything about it.

I am so sorry that you have been through something so terrible and that things are still so difficult for you.
I think the way forward is to go through some kind of mediation with your inlaws. They sound difficult and good at making you their scapegoat and thats unfair. If they will not agree to mediation then write them a letter and explain that you find the journey too difficult with a small child but hope that you will still manage it but on a less frequent basis. Give them the option of visiting you let them know dates that would suit and do this on a regular basis. If they choose not to come then you need to accept this but dont't enter into a tit for tat situation, continue to visit on a less frequent scale, perhaps once around christmas and again during the summer. Can you make arrangements with family members to drop you there and collect you?
The travel will get easier as your daughter gets older and less luggage is needed.
Try and leave the guilt behind you, its clouding your judgement and making you feel worse it seres no purpose. This situation is causing you extra grief that you dont need, you need to put you and your daughter first. Would you consider councelling for yourself it may help you get control of your life and enpower you to say no without the guilt or self doubt.
Best of luck op.

username123

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I accept what you're saying and in those circumstances I could see myself being able to put the past behind me. In my case though his family believe it is my fault that their son is dead and make subtle hints at me about this but never say anything straight out. It is in no way my fault and it is very distressing. It feels to me that they are trying to make me feel guilty so they can be pushy about my daughters visits and make me feel that I have to pay them some sort of sick compensation. But because they are so sly about their tactics I cannot say anything about it.

You know the way you find it very distressing, and you feel hurt and angry? They do too. Im not saying that it excuses their behaviour, but just that people can be irrational and unreasonable when they are in that kind of situation, and it may even be that because you feel resentful towards them that you read a bit more than is intended into some things, so you feel they are making subtle hints - but maybe theyre not? I could be way off the mark, but sometimes it can be easy to read too much into peoples words when youre feeling resentful yourself.

Is there any friend you have who drives who would be willing to do a day trip with you? That way, you wouldnt have to use public transport, you wouldnt have to stay in the bedroom, you would be able to pick and choose time to arrive and leave, you would have the buffer of a companion there to keep everyone polite (maybe even one of your own parents?), and they couldnt say you hadnt made the effort of a visit.

Ultimately, they are trying to get you to visit with your child, and I dont think they would be trying to do that just to annoy you, even going as far as trying to involve your parents to arrange a formal visit - they MUST want to see their grandchild. Id really find it hard to believe that they would be trying to make you pay some sort of sick compensation - if they genuinely felt that way about you it would be MUCH easier to just cut you and your daughter out of their lives.

Difficult as it is, and knowing that you dont like them, and feel resentful towards them etc... in your shoes Id be going with the 1 day visit only, public transport or a friend, very infrequently - but with the open offer of them to come visit you at some arranged time/date. That way, you are behaving with dignity and compassion and not playing tit for tat, and if they wish for more than your infrequent visits they are welcome to get off their own tushies and drive to you.

Just on them making you feel like a child - dont forget that you are the one who holds the power on how other people make you feel. If some crazy stranger at a bus stop came alone and began to say nasty things to you or criticise you - you wouldnt think twice about the remarks - they would mean nothing to you - the opinion of a crazy stranger means nothing. Same with your daughters grandparents - if you dont respect them, their opinion should be like water off a ducks back to you - dismiss any nasty comments, dont take them to heart - the comments mean nothing in the scheme of things.

I personally used to find it useful with a family member who was quite nasty to imagine a sign on their forehead saying 'crazy' - sometimes as they spoke at me I would physically draw my two fingers acroos my forehead and think 'crazy' - it actually used to make me smile (and not just inwardly!!) and their conversation would be relegated in my mind to the mindless chant of an idiot - I wouldnt even really hear what they were saying. Strangely enough, once the person realised he couldnt push my buttons anymore, he stopped even trying - so I got to draw on the crazy sign less and less.

Dilbert75

I don't know your financial situation but I'm guessing you're not terribly wealthy. With that in mind, can I suggest something?

Arrange to travel one day, stay the night in a nearby B&B, visit them in the morning of the following day and then travel home that evening - arrange someone to come rescue collect you if necessary. Tell them that they're welcome to visit you both next time and to give you a ring to organise.

If they do, you can have reinforcements / support there / arrive to back you up and eject them when the time comes (you can suggest a local B&B for them to stay in if they want to overnight before making the return journey).

There's no reason why they should be bullying you like they are. There's no reason, other than niceness and trying to do the best for your daughter, why you should feel obliged to be at their beck and call. There's no reason why you should have to stay in your boyfriend's bed, when you're evidently still grieving for him.

They're overloading you and it's not fair. They don't sound like they're going to step back voluntarily but you've been strong enough to get as far as you have so, even if you don't realise it, you're strong enough to tell them to back off.

cbyrd

Could you get one of your parents to go with you... that way you have some back up? Or maybe they could both go with you drop you off and come back in a few hours? You need to explain to them how difficult you find it travelling to them all the time and that they are welcome to visit you..
You often find when you stand up to people they have more respect for you.
good luck

ash23

My daughter sees my parents regularly. Either they come to visit or I go to them. I'm a single parent and her father isn't involved.
I was with someone else for years and his mother still sees my daughter. She lives about an hour away so usually I drop my daughter at her house and she drops her back to mine after a night.
If it's been a while since she saw her she'll come and visit us but I generally try to let them see each other at least once a month or so. usually more often than that.