holiday fling

LegacyUser

Recently went on holidays with a friend who i havent seen in a long time. We've known each other for 8 years. Last time we met we also travelled together and he kissed me. This time, I did have a feeling he might try...didnt know how that would go as we are friends for so many years. He did, I didnt say no..and we had a fantastic time for a couple of weeks.

But...and you know whats coming...I'm now feeling bad - like why did he only want to have a fling with me? if we are friends and he finds me sexually attractive - why not more? But he doesnt..it was very sex related, like we behaved as friends during the days and by night as lovers...was weird to be honest. I'm afraid to talk about it with him because I feel that would be immature - since it was clearly a fling and i knew it would be a fling and nothing more when I kissed him back...so complaining about it now wont help anything. But feel a bit used. By my friend - who I adore! what a bad mess i've gotten myself into.

anybody have any words to help me through this?

beks101

No real advice, just to say that I feel for you and I've been there and I know how much it sucks *hugs*

Personally I think it was out of order for him to try it on with you and in a sense it was disrespectful of the friendship you have - and I find it hard to believe he thought it wouldn't have an impact on your friendship. He obviously finds you attractive and was thinking with his dcik to be quite honest.

Fcuk buddy scenarios are always dangerous territory but IME if you're going to get into a set-up like that, there are rules you need to follow to keep them strictly physical and there are certain people you should never fall into them with, good friends being one of them. With a friend, the personality compatibility is already there so introducing intimacy is just a recipe for disaster when it comes to trying to keep your emotions reigned in.

I would say just learn from this and don't let yourself get into the same situation again, with this friend or any other.

I also think it's important that you talk to your friend about it, because if you don't the awkwardness and 'unspeakability' of the whole scenario could kill the friendship. Also it's going to be really difficult to maintain a platonic friendship with him now that the sexual element has been introduced and you need to make it clear to him that it can't and won't happen again.

That, and maybe just talk to him to hear what he has to say about the whole scenario. From your description of it, it definitely sounds like it was sex-only...but who knows? Without having that conversation you don't know for sure, and I suspect without having that conversation you may continue to harbour feelings for him and hope for something more. You're better off hearing it from him now so you can clear your head a little.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I feel for you because it's not nice feeling like you do, but when the emotions have settled a bit, you will see that there is nothing to feel used about. You had a fantastic (!) time with a friend on a holiday, you say yourself that you knew what it would be about, and that's what it was.

I reckon that your feelings now come from a disappointment that it didn't turn into something more, which means you did harbour some hopes for more, even unbeknownest to yourself maybe? That's where the problem is. As becks said, clarity on this kind of situation is paramount. It's no use going into something with your eyes wide open, and then blaming the guy for using you afterwards. It will only taint your memory of the lovely time that you did have with him, and could also spoil the friendship, completely unnecessarily IMO.

To give you a different perspective on things, I used to have a similar thing going with a very good friend of mine. For a time we were lovers as well as friends, and it worked wonderfully; some of my best memories are tied up with the fun we had together. The reason for this is that it happened when we were already fast friends (for a long time, just like yourselves), and we remained fast friends thereafter; the friendship always came/comes first for both of us, and the naughty stuff was just a lovely bonus which happened when we both needed it. (Consequently, I can't even imagine myself in a f-buddy scenario with anyone but a good friend! )

What do you say? If you have a good, honest friendship with this guy, you can surely tell him anything or almost anything that's on your mind. Talk to him if you need to clear the air; but at the end of the day, as with a lot of things, it is your attitude and your perspective on things that is the key to how you feel. If you regard a situation like this with positivity, you will feel great about it - I know I would! If you regard it as having been used - well, that's your choice too, but it would mean abdicating responsibility for the part you played in it, and would, frankly, be unfair to your friend.

If you feel you can't handle stuff like that any longer, don't go there again. I just feel that, regardless, you should be able to appreciate what you have, in your own time. Or is it the bias of my experience talking? :pac:

LegacyUser

OP here; thanks a million for those responses, helps to know i'm not the only person who's done this! I dont know if i would even want a relationship with this guy...he's not the settled type. Anyway, for now, i'm just going to leave it. We dont see eachother very often so time will make a difference I think. You're right about one thing - we had a really great time together and I should keep those happy memories and continue with friendship as before!

thanks again

seenitall

Glad to know we helped, OP.:) It's onwards and upwards for you, and I hope you soon meet someone who will be fullfilling all your needs at once!

bigjohnny80

Why's everybody blaming the guy here? Sounds like ye both wanted the same thing. And who's to say anyway that he doesn't feel the same way the OP feels now!!

Zen65

seenitall wrote: »

If you regard it as having been used - well, that's your choice too, but it would mean abdicating responsibility for the part you played in it, and would, frankly, be unfair to your friend.

+1 to the above.

Your Op suggests you want to be mature about this, so start by admitting this was a two-way thing and you both enjoyed it. If that's as far as it ever gets then it's not a bad thing really, is it? There have been so many threads here started by people who would have loved to have this experience; be glad for the time you had together.

As for being immature by talking about it, I think that's all wrong. Talking about it in a mature way is mature, complaining about it would be immature. Maybe the two of you should meet up sometime and talk about whether or not there's enough chemistry between you to sustain a relationship?


Be at peace,

Z