Feel betrayed by friend/roomate... any advice??

freeth

So i've been living with a mate from my old work for the last couple of months and it's been going fine except that i suspected she had a drug problem and by that i mean she'd smoke weed every night of the week and if she couldnt get it she'd drink instead. [wow when i actually write it out it sounds awful...anyways]. So even though i guess it kinda bothered me a bit cos she'd never have money for cinema or a night out cos she spent between 100-150 eur a week on weed, I kept my nose out and told myself it was 'not my life'.

Then just under two weeks ago we were just sat watching telly and got to talking. We ended up sitting up until 5am and during this time she admitted to me that she had an addiction, her words, not mine. She said she desperately wants to quit and I told her i'd help her. She called a counselling agency and booked an appointment and I was overwhelmed with relief and pride for her.

The appointment was supposed to be last wednesday [a week ago]. She told me she never went because she didnt have the money, but then almost immediatly after started discussing a week long holiday she was going to take to amsterdam [alone]. I feel really disappointed and let down but don't know where to draw the line between being a mate and sticking my nose in! I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it because they don't know she has a problem.

Sorry this was a bit of a bloody essay - any advice??

paddingghost

This is a difficult one. From my experience, you cannot stop someone from smoking weed. They have to want to do it themselves.

Has she been smoking for long? Is there any reason that you think that she needs to smoke every day, such as stress as work, low self-esteem, personal issues?

It could also be routine for her, but from your estimation, it sounds as if she is smoking a lot of weed as oppossed to having a joint or two a night to unwind.

She has admitted she has a problem, had she been smoking when she admitted she had one, or under the influence or alcohol?

Weed wears you down and you don't realise it at the time until you give it up. It lowers your inhibitions and your confidence and you just feel safe in your little cannabis bubble.

The good thing is she has admitted she has a problem. Maybe she needs someone to go with her for some moral support? The first week without it is going to be the worst. If she could entertain herself during that time, and possibly you could help with this. Suggest some board games, visiting mutual friends, going for a hike, cinema, anything that doesn't involve the opportunity to sit down on the couch and skin up a joint.

It is bloody hard to get out of that routine. I have many friends who would never dream of going an evening without a joint, but I guarantee it is worth it and she will be more financially free, sleep better and be able to think clearly without having her mind wrapped in cotton wool. She just needs some support, which clearly she has in you, and something to take her mind off smoking weed.

One of the best ways I heard from a mate of breaking the habit was taking a week off work and staying with his parents in the country. No opportunity to smoke week and no access to it meant he had to carry on without it, cold turkey and he never went back to smoking at the same level as he was.

Big Bag of Chips

Have a look at this.

http://www.na-ireland.org/

It's essentially the same as AA or Gamblers Anonymous etc. It's free, and would take out the "excuse" she has of not being able to afford it.

Mighty_Mouse

I feel really disappointed and let down but don't know where to draw the line between being a mate and sticking my nose in!

Shared accomodation (1:1) between mates usually works best if both parties have broad similarities in lifestyle. Her lifestyle is completely at odds with yours.
You can't rely on her to participate in your activities in any significant manner. Stoners typically equals little conversation & little activity.

I don't think you should continue to live together. If you do it may be at the cost the friendship.

ps
I don't think you are walking away from a friend in need. You've tried to help.
Tell her its a matter of difference in lifestyle & outlook, that you value the friendship & will help her if she ever wishes to reach out for support in changing her habits. You're not judging, you just don't want to live with it.