Does he like his friend?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, kind of need some extra opinions here about my situation! Having a difficult time here at the moment with my boyfriend, basically I feel that he harbours feelings for his friend and its driving me insane. I have asked him on numerous occasions to stop talking about her but he is incapable, it is just consistent at this point, every day and nearly every time I have a conversation with him. It has gotten worse this week, to the point that I just stopped talking to him because EVERY conversation I have had with him this week has ALWAYS started off with a reference to her.

He was going on the other day about how much weight she’s lost and how she looks so much better as well as talking about how one of his friends thinks she’s hot (this girl is extremely attractive by the way). He just brought this information in randomly, it was literally the first thing he said to me when he rang me. I am on a placement this week for college for which I am very stressed out and have a lot of work to do. He contacts me everyday yet fails to ask me how I got on that day, whether or not I had an inspection. He texted me when I got home the other day and straight away went off on a tangent about how this girl did something the night before (take into account the fact that I have only met this girl twice , 5 mins each time), and proceeded with the details for a good 15 mins. I don’t have any interest in this girl because I don’t know her, nor do I care what she gets up to. I told him last night that I received word that I got a full grant for college this year; his response was “How did YOU get a grant and X didn’t?” I told him how I was extremely insulted by this comment, he claims he never said it and that he brought her up because if she didn't get it, then he mustn’t have got a full grant either (he told me on Wed that he got a full grant?!). Cue a barrage of abuse, got called things like a “paranoid bitch”, “absolute psychopath”, “absolute cnut” and a “jealous bitch”. Now there are 3 people in my family going to college and we all have to commute, this girl has one person going to college (her) and commutes everyday, so I think its perfectly logical that I would get a larger grant over her. He didn't seem to be of the same opinion.

I am just sick of it now at this point, he brings her up in every conversation and I just have to sit there and listen to him going on about her and what she gets up to. Sometimes it stupid little trivial things like “oh X likes that”, “X said the same thing the other day”, it’s as if he finds excuses to bring her up. Am I being paranoid here or does he like the girl? I feel like I’m fighting a lost battle, I have asked him to stop bringing her up , but he literally cannot go a day without mentioning her in some way or form. Either way, this girl is getting a lot more attention than I am from him and I really cannot stay in this relationship if this is going to continue.

LegacyUser

Dump him. He's clearly head over heels with this girl, either a huge crush or in love with her. Don't waste any more time with someone who says such horrible things to you and continually talks about someone else. No woman should have to put up with that.

Firetrap

No, I don't think you're paranoid at all. He does seem to be obsessed with her and doesn't seem to be all that bothered that you're having to hear him going on and on about her. Which makes one wonder where his loyalties lie.

What jumped out at me too, though, was the abuse he gave you. Leaving aside his inability to stop talking about her, how do you feel about being called “paranoid bitch”, “absolute psychopath”, “absolute cnut” and a “jealous bitch”? Do you honestly think that it's Ok to have abuse like that hurled at you?

LegacyUser

You are not being paranoid. He is quite clearly obsessed with her. But that is the least of your worries.

Cue a barrage of abuse, got called things like a “paranoid bitch”, “absolute psychopath”, “absolute cnut” and a “jealous bitch”.

This is emotional abuse. Do you realise that you are in an abusive relationship?

He has not respect for you. Get the hell out of this joke of a relationship. Your 'boyfriend' is a creep.

Chinafoot

tiredofitall wrote: »

Cue a barrage of abuse, got called things like a “paranoid bitch”, “absolute psychopath”, “absolute cnut” and a “jealous bitch”.

Umm, OP has he said stuff like this to you before because you seem completely unfazed by this? He was completely out of order in speaking to you like that. Personally I would never accept that from someone who is supposed to care about me.

You are not being paranoid. It sounds like he is obsessed with this girl and you're right not to put up with it. If it was me I'd walk.

LegacyUser

Lovely to see that others agree with me, everytime I ask him to stop talking about her he goes insane! Stops talking to me and calls me paranoid, I really don't think I'm not. I've had to put up with him talking about her since the very beginning, so over a year now at this point! I have asked him to stop, I don't know the girl so what he says about her doesn't interest me, how could it since I barely know the girl?

Yes I am used to his abuse now at this stage, it happens all the time and everytime we fight. I try to talk calmly, I usually respond with "I am angry because of ___, I am insulted because of _____". I try to be as diplomatic as possible but all I ever get is abuse from him, "bitch", "psycho" etc.

fungun

Male here - yeah i cannot believe how you brush over the total lack of respect he has for you in terms of the name-calling etc., not to mention the lack of interest in you rather than her. Walk away from this right now would be my advice, or you will end up with all sorts of issues.

gargleblaster

How have you not left him already? Why are you putting up with that treatment?

If you've repeatedly tried to deal with him calmly and he does nothing but act out when you do, then I don't really know what choices you have. He expects you just to put up with it.

fungun

just see your response now. I cannot believe that you have asked him to stop this and he continues. I cannot believe his response is abuse. The lack of respect here is unreal.

Its rare these threads make me angry but this one does. Please do yourself a favour and leave him. Even if difficult at first, your life will be the better for it.

Firetrap

tiredofitall wrote: »

Lovely to see that others agree with me, everytime I ask him to stop talking about her he goes insane! Stops talking to me and calls me paranoid, I really don't think I'm not. I've had to put up with him talking about her since the very beginning, so over a year now at this point! I have asked him to stop, I don't know the girl so what he says about her doesn't interest me, how could it since I barely know the girl?

Yes I am used to his abuse now at this stage, it happens all the time and everytime we fight. I try to talk calmly, I usually respond with "I am angry because of ___, I am insulted because of _____". I try to be as diplomatic as possible but all I ever get is abuse from him, "bitch", "psycho" etc.

So tell me, why are you still with him?

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

So tell me, why are you still with him?

To be honest with you, I don't actually know

Distorted

Theres probably nothing in it, but how irritating! You'd have to be a saint to put up with that constant drivel and even then, you probably wouldn't! I think I've met a few people like him - there always seems to be some sad lonely slightly odd chap at the running club or whatever whose only topic of conversation is whatever hot young girl has joined. They will regail you with said girl's merits, latest achievements, etc to such an extent you feel like screaming at them "I'M NOT INTERESTED!". Your boyfriend shows a basic lack of conversational and social skills, he doesn't appreciate you and he seems unable to concentrate on the relationship he has got. I think being involved with him long term would drive you slightly mad. When you dump him, please tell him exactly why, for the furtherance of the education of the human race!

I am a friend

tiredofitall wrote: »

To be honest with you, I don't actually know

Ok and are you happy to stay in an abusive relationship?

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Ok and are you happy to stay in an abusive relationship?

Nope, not at all. I keep thinking the abuse will stop but it never does. I get on really well with him when he's not being abusive but then when we fight he turns into a disgusting person. He has no idea how much he hurts me with his comments, but sure at this point I'm used to it, its become normal for me. He apologised earlier but didn't elaborate, he only apologised because I slated him for it. He rang me there earlier and said the same stuff again, so much for an apology!

Also he says that this girl is "one of his best friends" so he's "not going to apologise for talking about her" and that I'm to "get over it". I also brought up that comment about the grant last night again, he's still claiming he never said it when he did! Does he think I'm stupid or something?! Why does someone feel the need to lie through their teeth when they know they are wrong? The mind boggles!

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Theres probably nothing in it, but how irritating! You'd have to be a saint to put up with that constant drivel and even then, you probably wouldn't! I think I've met a few people like him - there always seems to be some sad lonely slightly odd chap at the running club or whatever whose only topic of conversation is whatever hot young girl has joined. They will regail you with said girl's merits, latest achievements, etc to such an extent you feel like screaming at them "I'M NOT INTERESTED!". Your boyfriend shows a basic lack of conversational and social skills, he doesn't appreciate you and he seems unable to concentrate on the relationship he has got. I think being involved with him long term would drive you slightly mad. When you dump him, please tell him exactly why, for the furtherance of the education of the human race!

Have to disagree with this he probably likes her or else why would he have verbal diarrhoea about her, OP you ve very young and you sound like a sensible person, he sounds immature
If I'm being polite about it. dump him focus on your degree & move to greener pastures and I would like to think if my boyfriend ever called me a cnut I run for the hills.

Firetrap

Look, he's lying through his teeth because he knows he can. He knows he has power over you and that he can do and say pretty much what he likes. So what if you kick up from time to time - he can put you in your place by calling you some ugly names. He doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and this is not going to change. In fact, I can see things getting worse. I see the talk about this friend as being a symptom of the deeper problems you have.

You don't want to do it of course but the only solution to your current problem is to walk. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and he is going to destroy you. Do you have anyone you can confide in? A friend? Your mum? A sibling? You really need to have someone at your side to help you get away from this guy and the hold he has over you.

DrPhilG

Speaking as a man, I can tell you that he does have a notion of this girl, to what extent you don't know.

Doesn't mean he's up to anything with her, he may not even realise that he has an infatuation. On the other hand he may be fooling around.

But all of that is irrelevent. After the way you said he speaks to you, the only reason for you to pause before ditching him and walking away, is to boot him in the nuts first.

Karen8

He's talking about her like he's being obsessed over the year now, he didn't changed, he even stopped apologizing - imo everything got worse. What do you expect in the future? Is this what you really want?

RUN.

DrPhilG

Karen8 wrote: »

RUN.

But don't forget the kick in the balls.

Taltos

DrPhilG

Please familiarise yourself with the PI Charter.
Recommendations of violence are not tolerated.

Taltos

Neyite

Its as clear as day that he fancies the arse off his friend.The reason he is not with her is probably twofold. Firstly, he does not have the balls to ask her out, fearing rejection, and secondly he admires her and respects her because he assumes she would probably not tolerate even a minute of his abusive attitude.

But thats his problem, not yours. Yours is the way that he treats you -which is with cruelty and disdain. Its a form of abuse as well that you hear this constant drip feed about her - he knows it bothers and hurts you, and its a way of controlling your emotions - that gives him the power trip.

He will not change - they never do. In fact, verbal abuse over the years as you become used to it wont work as well for him anymore, so it escalates to physical, such as pushing you, yelling in your face, pinning you down while shouting at you. Give him another few years and it will be more physical. Thats the way these guys are.

Leave. But be prepared for him to tell people that you left over your jealousy of his friend, and not his abuse towards you. Things are never their own fault - its always someone else's.

Zen65

tiredofitall wrote: »

Nope, not at all. I keep thinking the abuse will stop but it never does.

...and it never will.

This is not a relationship, it's a trap and you are sitting in it complaining about the colour of the wallpaper!!!! It does not matter who said what about any grants, the reality that should be screaming in your ears is that this man finds it acceptable to use derogatory, abusive language directed at you when you disagree with him over something, and that 's not normal nor safe behaviour.

I strongly advise that you leave this man now and never make contact with him again. He is showing many of the signs of being an abuser and you don't seem to have the emotional maturity to recognise him for what he is.

Sorry if that seems over-the-top melodramatic, but I would be concerned for your future if you stay in this.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for all the replies everyone

Think I'm going to stay away from him now, I know what you mean about the verbal abuse but I always give him the benefit of the doubt. He still thinks he's jusitified in what he's saying so don't think there's really a future for our relationship. This girl he's friends with doesn't know what he's really like either, I'd love to just send her this thread and show her but that wouldn't be practical! He has said that all of his previous girlfriends treated him like dirt but I'm starting to wonder if it was the other way around?

Thing is, he has no interest in me and obviously doesn't care about me in the slightest. Very fed up of it at this point, I really need attention, don't know if that's bad to say? Sometimes I just feel like a burden to him, once he has someone else to talk to he runs off to them. I remember I was on skype to him once and his face suddenly lit up, this was followed by "Oh X has just started calling me" and he dropped our call and left me there waiting for nearly an hour while he chatted to her! I waited that long because he was abraod at the time and I wanted to hear how he was getting on. He just doesn't realise the hurt I feel as a result of his treatment of me!

Going to try my best and get away from him now, hopefully I'm strong enough
Thanks everyone

miaowmiaow

Ditch the tool. He sounds like he has no tact whatsoever and I think he hasn't the balls to listen to you as an equal out of the fear that he's wrong.
Please don't waste another minute of your life with this guy, for one thing there's the aggressive abuse, then there's his blatant jealousy of your grant (which is total bs, you qualify for the grant for a freaking reason) and on top of that he's obsessed with this other girl? Jeez. He's blowing hot and cold and nobody deserves that sort of abuse.
You've certainly got the moral high ground here... So walk away and don't let him guilt you into staying. Best of luck OP.

Firetrap

OP, I really hope you find the strength to get away from this guy. It worries me that you're saying you think you're going to leave him. That to me implies that you're going to hang in there despite everything.

If this thread has served any purpose, it has hopefully made you realise that what he's doing and saying to you is disturbing. I see the issue with this friend of his as being a mere sideshow, though if it's what makes you leave him, then it will be a blessing in disguise.