I'm used to being useless

LegacyUser

I'm wondering if anyone can relate to how I feel at the moment. Basically I lived my life as the 'fat boy' of my social group. I used to weight 23 stone - I was literally enormous. I had no experience with girls whatsoever and had no confidence at all. About a year ago I had a Damascene conversion and became determined to lose the weight (Won't go into the details of it, but I took a long hard look at my life and was on the verge of committing suicide) I'm now a svelt 12 and a half stone. It was a year of very hard work, determination and motivation. I haven't eaten ANY crisps or chocolate since last christmas! I go to the gym everyday. The best thing is that there is no loose skin either; I'm a complete fitness freak and all the weight I hold now is muscular. Real muscle too, I feel great when I look in the mirror now!

The thing is this... although I get lots of compliments now from friends and family and coworkers about my weight loss (Over 10 stone!) I still am absolutely useless around women. I lost this weight because of a grinding feeling of loneliness. I write awful poetry about how lonely I feel and I think the desperation is showing in my eyes when I talk to women. I'm 24 and never had a girlfriend (Lost the V-reg during the year though thankfully) I want to know what it is to be in love. I really want to know what that feels like.

Anybody ever in this position before? I've lost the weight but I haven't gained the confidence. I was always a sensitive young man, but I think all that girls see is desperation. Any advice appreciated.

LegacyUser

Wow, very well done on your weight loss. Congratulations! What a brilliant achievement.

I'm a woman OP and we are just people too! The same as you with all sorts of flaws and insecurities too.

Don't compare yourself to your friends of the same age because your journey has been different. To repeat a cliche 'you can't hurry love!' Ha- sorry for the terrible song reference.

All you can do is meet as many people as possible and talk and get to know women on a hanging out level. It will happen how it will happen but it will happen. You sound great, i don't think you will be waiting long.

Don't put such massive pressure on yourself.

Taltos

OP - I am going to suggest something counter-intuitive.
Just go out and have fun, talk to people, exchange jokes, just even have a coffee with someone. However - for the moment - try to do all of this with the express intention of just making/improving friendships and NOT to meet a significant other.

Reason is it will take some of the pressure off that you have been putting yourself under. Let's not joke about here - from your post you really have something to be proud of - you have accomplished a feat few of us can match. As a chocoholic my weight has somehow managed to stay the same'ish for the last four years - still overweight but the same Focus on that a little - when you start to doubt yourself - please just hold in your head for a second that you did this all on your own...

In terms of expanding your friendship base - have you looked into joining some different groups / taking up new activities to make full benefit of your new physique? Just get out there - find something you enjoy doing and lose yourself in that and the friends you meet there. Now - the next time you lose yourself in a joke or a comment about this activity - that laugh - that smile - that is your confidence breaking through - it has to be there mate - otherwise no way in hell you could have done what you did.

Don't give up - someday you will believe in yourself - and when you do - others will naturally follow

gargleblaster

+1 to Taltos' post.

conflicted and confused wrote: »

I was always a sensitive young man, but I think all that girls see is desperation. Any advice appreciated.

I don't know about this. It might be true that women might be getting a vibe of neediness due to your being lonely, but your sensitivity is not the same thing. As a woman who finds sensitivity an incredibly attractive trait in a man, I would encourage you not to worry about that at all.

girlonfire

Agree with Talto!
Some great advice in there. Congrats on the weight loss. That's fantastic and I can't imagine it was an easy thing to do but you did it!
Like @Clints Wife said, we too are just people. We have all sorts of hangups and insecurities. The most important thing I'd say is to Be Yourself! That is more attractive than anything else in my book.
Good luck OP. You sound like a nice, decent guy. Enjoy yourself!

Neyite

OP, Congratulations on such a great achievement! Seriously, if you look at that, it shows determination, courage, hard work, and dedication. All very admirable traits in anyone. You also come across as thoughtful, sensitive, and all-round-nice guy.(and a killer body to boot? - trust me, you are a catch )

But, when out on the pull, and alcohol is involved, its easy for the quiet shy guy to be overlooked in favour of the loud cheeky bloke, so you might not have much succes at pulling. however, away from the pub/club arena, say in a daytime setting (say a regular surfing crowd) is where your personality will shine through.

I have a theory that we instinctively attract people based on our frame of mind at the time - when I was at my most insecure and unhappy, I attracted insecure and unhappy guys. When I was happy and confident, I attracted a happy and confident man (still with him). Maybe now that you take pride in your hard work and new-found energy, that any potential girlfriend would need to share your enthusiam for working hard on her physique. The girl you would have found a common ground with this time last year is not the one for you now.

Taltos has the right idea - so, for now, concentrate on becoming happy and confident, and the rest will fall into place. Enlarge your circle - getting involved in running groups in your area, take up surfing, or any other activity where you will meet people who are active and sporty. But, make friends, in turn, you will get to know their friends and somewhere along the line, you will meet someone special. You can still be lonely with a girlfriend in your life, but you wont if you have great friends.