dating websites do not work

LegacyUser

I've been on a dating web site for over 4 months now.

I've met about 12 guys and have chatted to dozen others. I have never felt a connection with any guy I met in person (and some didn't feel a connection with me) and the vast majority of them were looking for nsa, although they did not make that clear beforehand.

I think most guys (not all) are on these sites for casual fun and have no intentions for anything more.

I've put a lot of effort into meeting these guys and I feel I've really put myself out there and to be honest I'm getting really tired of it.

I've no problem meeting guys when out socialising but because a lot of that can be drink fuelled I thought I would try online dating. I work in a very male dominated sector so I'm use to make companionship.

I'm a good looking girl, good personality, well educated, good job etc and wanted to meet someone similar, I met plenty of good looking, well educated guys but they were all looking for nsa.

I know I will get the usual advise.... you'll meet someone when you least expect it etc but I'd love to know if there are any guys that are genuinely looking for someone special.

Also meeting someone from a dating site doesn't seem "natural" it feel contrived, staged, has anyone met a partner from a dating site, or should I just give up on it and do it the old fashioned way?

Obviously we all love, enjoy sex but I'm looking for more than that.


i'd really appreciate your comments on this.

By the way, if the above sounds anti men, I really didn't intend it to.

Justask

If its not for you why do it? You have given it a go and it very obvious its not your thing. If you go into online dating not looking for something seriou then you wont be disappointed when/if its doesnt happen.

Online dating is not as bad as you make out in you post, it doesn't always have to be 'Partner' seeking. With all those guys you met surely you have made friends from some them


Maybe join a social club of something you are interested in

sharper

datingwebsitesdonotwork wrote: »

I think most guys (not all) are on these sites for casual fun and have no intentions for anything more.

The interesting thing I've noticed is that women tend to complain about guys being only after sex on dating website while guys (that are not looking for just sex) tend to complain about not getting any response/interest. For whatever reason the guys looking for sex somehow end up looking more appealing - possibly they seem more forward, more confident, more willing to meet.

Lon Dubh

Hi, I am inclined to agree with you that meeting people through dating sites can feel contrived. But on the other issue, there are guys out there who are looking for relationships, the problem is trying to weed out the ones looking for NSA, and ones who are married/in relationships but pretending not to be etc.

I met one person off a dating site who was definitely looking for a relationship. I decided he was not right for me so that didn't work out for either of us, but it did show me that there were guys out there who were interested in relationships.

There is a chance that some sites might be better than others if you are looking for a relationship. Unfortuntately you can get dishonest idiots on any of them (I don't mind that people are looking for NSA so long as they are upfront about it).

There is a (very long!) thread in The Gentlemen's Forum here on Internet dating (it is in the Soc section of this site). I have picked up a lot from it, and it also makes me feel better when things don't work out for me.

Justask

Lon Dubh wrote: »

There is a chance that some sites might be better than others if you are looking for a relationship. Unfortuntately you can get dishonest idiots on any of them (I don't mind that people are looking for NSA so long as they are upfront about it).

Is that not the same in every walk of life?

There are dishonest people everywhere

betapax

Well, I can tell for my own experience that dating website works...yes, it might take a while until you find the right one, but even in public places is like that, and in my opinion, especially considering the irish entertainment style (that its resume in Pubs:D) its much more difficult to meet someone looking for start a serious relationship.
Im from Brazil and i´ve been living in Ireland for 3 years so far. I have never been in a dating site before but because i was so far from my family and friends, internet became my guide. At first, i registered myself in a relationship site cause i tought would be really helpful for my english , but of course i was considering meet someone whose i could get involved with. And i have to say that was one of the most funny and interesting experience in my life...I had countless dates in a short period of time. There were weekends that i met maybe 2 in a day and 2 in the other :P. Most of them had a crash on me, but i didnt, some other was the opposite. Some of them were completely different from my expectation...Anyway, from all those dates i started to seeing one guy that i really like it, i felt we had a great synergy, but when we start to getting really close, i had a big surprise...i didnt feel the chemistry between us. It was so frustrated, cause i was really happy to going out with him.
So, after that i kind of gave a break and stop to take so serious the "dating" idea, cause i found myself very addicted by meeting guys until I find my " charming prince ":D.
Suddenly, when i least expected, someone that was interested in my profile post me, and we changed some emails, and we´ve met for a coffee, and...tcharaaaa, we are almost 1 year togheter.
I found the man that I love in a website, YES... my irish boyfriend that is going to Brazil with me for good on December:)

If you really want to find a special person to share moments with you, dont give up, even if the means to achieve that it is by website.

One Tip: for the first meeting or date(whatever you prefer to call), choose a place that you can really talk and know better each other, such a coffee shop, a restaurant or so. Beleive me, if you go for a first date, in a pub or a nightclub, having a lots of drink togheter, you cant blame the guy afterwards about he is being just interest in having an affair :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

OP, I use a dating website and I can tell you now that I am very eager to get into a meaningful relationship. I wouldn't have sex before at least the fifth date! Not all men are rutting chimpanzee's! I want an emotional connection with a future partner. Try looking beyond looks and focus on personality. To be honest you will not get it all your own way; if you deliberately seek attractiveness over character, or their CV over their soul, you will be disappointed, and rightfully so. I'm a man BTW.

Justask

betapax wrote: »

Well, I can tell for my own experience that dating website works...yes, it might take a while until you find the right one, but even in public places is like that, and in my opinion, especially considering the irish entertainment style (that its resume in Pubs:D) its much more difficult to meet someone looking for start a serious relationship.
Im from Brazil and i´ve been living in Ireland for 3 years so far. I have never been in a dating site before but because i was so far from my family and friends, internet became my guide. At first, i registered myself in a relationship site cause i tought would be really helpful for my english , but of course i was considering meet someone whose i could get involved with. And i have to say that was one of the most funny and interesting experience in my life...I had countless dates in a short period of time. There were weekends that i met maybe 2 in a day and 2 in the other :P. Most of them had a crash on me, but i didnt, some other was the opposite. Some of them were completely different from my expectation...Anyway, from all those dates i started to seeing one guy that i really like it, i felt we had a great synergy, but when we start to getting really close, i had a big surprise...i didnt feel the chemistry between us. It was so frustrated, cause i was really happy to going out with him.
So, after that i kind of gave a break and stop to take so serious the "dating" idea, cause i found myself very addicted by meeting guys until I find my " charming prince ":D.
Suddenly, when i least expected, someone that was interested in my profile post me, and we changed some emails, and we´ve met for a coffee, and...tcharaaaa, we are almost 1 year togheter.
I found the man that I love in a website, YES... my irish boyfriend that is going to Brazil with me for good on December:)

If you really want to find a special person to share moments with you, dont give up, even if the means to achieve that it is by website.

One Tip: for the first meeting or date(whatever you prefer to call), choose a place that you can really talk and know better each other, such a coffee shop, a restaurant or so. Beleive me, if you go for a first date, in a pub or a nightclub, having a lots of drink togheter, you cant blame the guy afterwards about he is being just interest in having an affair :rolleyes:

What a fab story and I wish you both many years together. And my god your Englsh is fantasic.

betapax

Justask wrote: »

What a fab story and I wish you both many years together. And my god your Englsh is fantasic.

THANKS:), you´re really kind

hunnybunny

Also meeting someone from a dating site doesn't seem "natural" it feel contrived, staged, has anyone met a partner from a dating site, or should I just give up on it and do it the old fashioned way?

I am inclined to agree. It doesn't work for me either or at least to date.

I've been in relationships mainly met through mutual friends. I had a rather narrow minded view of online dating in that I thought there must be something wrong with the men if they are online. I know now that was juvenile and silly. The older you get, the more it seems everyone is coupled up and sorted whilst you are the odd one out (Im only in my mid twenties but it seems like the whole world is coupled up except you) Though I don't think I am imagining that the pool of single men (without baggage) gets fewer and fewer.

Anyways I met a woman who met her husband on a Christian dating website. Her husband is lovely and they are so happy together. They are exactly what I would like to be part of. So I thought what is the harm.

I joined both a christian and one of the mainstream sites. So far it hasn't worked for me. I got loads of messages and I didn't even feel flattered by them. It just didn't seem real. The first guy I met had a child despite his profile saying no kids. That is majorly off putting for me and I just said I wasnt interested.

I met up with another bloke. He was nice but it was like an interview. It just felt so unnatural and even though we chatted loads I just kept thinking I would much rather be with people I know and have a laugh with them instead.
Then I met up with another guy and the exact same thing. It felt artificial and unnatural and I just longed for people I knew.
Then by the time I was going to meet another bloke I suggested meeting him for half an hour before I go out with my friends. He suggested another time as he said"if its worth doing its worth meeting properly". I got what he was saying but it just rang home to me how this just simply does NOT work (for me anyway).

I don't feel excited before dates or when they text because it doesn't seem real. I don't even get flattered by compliments either because they are people I just don't know. I just keep thinking of the magic of my previous dates and relationships and how my heart fluttered when I got the texts and just that initial wave of happiness and excitment. To me there is no comparison between online dating and meeting someone the natural way (ie by pure chance). I am definitely cancelling my subscription. And yes I know its difficult to meet someone by chance but I think I don't feel the enthusiasm and there is absolutely no magic compared to meeting someone the natural way.
I have got two admirers who I met the natural way even though I am not at all interested, their compliments mean more to me than the blokes I have met online.

Maybe it does for other people who are perhaps more open minded and serious about finding someone. Granted maybe I am a bit casual and I am not exactly searching for my soulmate. And there are nice men online, I have learnt that at least but its simply just not for me.

Cutie18Ireland

I met my OH on match.com

I saw his profile and we winked at each other, contact after that you had to pay for. So I turned detective and tracked him down on facebook.

We met up, moved in together 2 weeks later, on our 3 month anniversary got engaged.

A year on and I couldn't be happier.

I had tried other daing sites before and found people only wanted a one night stand but I kept looking and eventually hit the jackpot.

I think you should maybe try some other sites to the ones you have tried.

Lon Dubh

Justask wrote: »

Is that not the same in every walk of life?

There are dishonest people everywhere

Yes, sorry what I meant was that even though some of the sites might be better than others, you couldn't trust any not to have dishonest people on them.

I do think though that the internet makes being dishonest easier for some, and it is easier to do it on a grander scale. In real life as well, you might know a bit about them already, or if not sometimes you can get a feel very quickly that someone is a "chancer", or you might know quickly they just want NSA, but they might string you along over the internet for a while (one reason it is good to try to meet up pretty soon with people) .

Hunnybunny if you are used to meeting people via friends, hobbies, and the like, where you know something about them already, or you have met them already, internet dating or any sort of blind dating is probably going to feel very different. I think it could take a while before you would feel very connected to them and excited about meeting them etc. Admitedly one problem with internet dating is possibly meeting a lot of people you would never click with, but you don't know until you have put in a bit of effort getting to know them online, and then meeting them.

hunnybunny

Hunnybunny if you are used to meeting people via friends, hobbies, and the like, where you know something about them already, or you have met them already, internet dating or any sort of blind dating is probably going to feel very different. I think it could take a while before you would feel very connected to them and excited about meeting them etc. Admitedly one problem with internet dating is possibly meeting a lot of people you would never click with, but you don't know until you have put in a bit of effort getting to know them online, and then meeting them.

I do try to email, text and even talk on the phone before meeting. I just really dread the meeting up part and don't even feel excited about having a date. Its just always been awkward and artificial. Also any time I have met a bloke before dating him it was in a relaxed environment with friends I was chilled out. For me online its just so staged.

I can talk til the cows come home with anyone but its like having a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop. I don't know anything about them and it just doesn't feel like a date as it isn't exciting and magical. When I have had dates the other way I am spending ages getting ready, feeling a bit nervous a bit excited and when I compare this to the online dating experience there is no comparison.

I just think for some people online can't work, and I am probably one of them. I think you have to believe it can work and I honestly can't see how it possibly can for me.

Lon Dubh

hunnybunny wrote: »

I do try to email, text and even talk on the phone before meeting. I just really dread the meeting up part and don't even feel excited about having a date. Its just always been awkward and artificial. Also any time I have met a bloke before dating him it was in a relaxed environment with friends I was chilled out. For me online its just so staged.

I can talk til the cows come home with anyone but its like having a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop. I don't know anything about them and it just doesn't feel like a date as it isn't exciting and magical. When I have had dates the other way I am spending ages getting ready, feeling a bit nervous a bit excited and when I compare this to the online dating experience there is no comparison.

Yes to be honest I feel somewhat similarly, though I have not beeng doing the online dating thing very long. I feel that talking to a stranger at a bus site would usually be easier :P

I was messaging someone recently and I realised how difficult it was to know what to write and how, as I don't know this person. Then even if we end up progressing to phone calls and meeting up it will probably be even more awkward for a bit, unless we really hit it off.

I keep telling myself this artificial feeling and awkwardness is only because I have not met the right person yet but it could just be because it is not for me.

Wompa1

I tried it over 2 months but gave up. I got a good bit of interest but most turned out to be time wasters. A week after I quit the site, I met a girl in a bar. It's a lot easier when it's a more organic dynamic being built up..Internet is send a message and wait for a reply and over thinking what you send. It's not true..

CyberJuice

The trick with the online dating is to get in contact with the guy and then keep it strictly online for at least 4 months, chat with him 2 or 3 times a week

within this amount of time you can find out alot about him,his true nature will also come out,if hes a horndog after no strings sex then it will come out in your online chats,his talks with you will become more sexual ect.. you can get an idea of what kind of person he is

Dont be in such a rush to engage in a face to face meeting.you can have 4 or 5 guys on your msn and chat with them all on various nights over a 4 or 5 month period and then chose the one you get on most with and meet up with him


this approcah is alot better then if you had met the 5 guys after a week or 2 of contact with them and then you realise you dont have much in common..


Alot of good guys that want a relationship have long ago given up on dating websites, you message many girls and none respond,it can get you down,make you doubt yourself,your pics ect.so most the guys that bother with such sites are just in it for the off chance they might get the leg over.

remember dating sites are a totally different experience for guys,its hard.you will write long essays to women trying to sound exciting and get a reply and you dont get any.so after a couple months you tend to just write to a girl saying shirt stuff like "Hi i like your pics write me back if you like mine" or something stupid like this. where as girls have many guys messaging them on a daily basis,you dont even need to go lookin for guys,they come to you.just join another site mayb youll find better guys there,mayb take your pics off your profile,see wil lthis get you a better type of guy whos not interested in ur flesh but ur brains

tiny_penguin

hunnybunny wrote: »

I do try to email, text and even talk on the phone before meeting. I just really dread the meeting up part and don't even feel excited about having a date. Its just always been awkward and artificial. Also any time I have met a bloke before dating him it was in a relaxed environment with friends I was chilled out. For me online its just so staged.

I can talk til the cows come home with anyone but its like having a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop. I don't know anything about them and it just doesn't feel like a date as it isn't exciting and magical. When I have had dates the other way I am spending ages getting ready, feeling a bit nervous a bit excited and when I compare this to the online dating experience there is no comparison.

I just think for some people online can't work, and I am probably one of them. I think you have to believe it can work and I honestly can't see how it possibly can for me.

I personally found it the opposite meeting up with guys I met online - I found I knew them better because I had spent a few weeks getting to know them online first. Admittedly, you cant always tell everything from an email and there were a lot of times where there was just no chemistry when we met in person - but i 100% prefer meeting up with the people i met online over the people i met when out and drunk in a nightclub. While they weren't always successful the dates were much less awkward.

I met my current bf online - it was at a point that I was just about ti give up on it. I had decided to stop going out looking for a boyfriend and I was sure i would find one eventually. I had been mailing him anyway and when he asked decided to go on one more date. It was the best date I have ever had. We stayed out until we got kicked out of the bar without even realising the time. Im usually quite shy when I meet people first but with him I just clicked straight away. 6 months later I couldnt be happier - and im nearly sure that i would never have met him in any other circumstances.

Online dating isnt for everyone - but it does work for some people! Its just about knowing what works for you and going for it!

hunnybunny

but i 100% prefer meeting up with the people i met online over the people i met when out and drunk in a nightclub. While they weren't always successful the dates were much less awkward.

Oh no I completely agree with you, I would never dream of going to a bar to look for someone. Any men I have met in bars have been wash outs. Even though I am not exactly a fan, I would rather online dating than going to a bar to look for someone by comparison.

The places I have met men through have predominantly through friends parties or going out sessions. The problem with that is the list of single men (with no baggage) becomes smaller and smaller the older you get.
I have also found work to be a place (one relationship anyway) but there are no men in my line of work. Then I met one boyfriends on airplane (sounds romantic). I meet them on holidays but the problem there is it would probably be long distance. So those are my four main ways of getting men so far. I may have to become more creative.....:D

Oh and I do get whistles from men in cars or compliments from men in the streets but I am pretty darn certain thats not the best way to meet a man. Just where are all the great, nice single men? Its like the riddle of the Sphinx! I know so many beautiful lovely single women who find it so difficult to find someone.

John Mason

why dont you go to a boards beers?

this year, there will be 4 boards weddings, all from one forum!!!!!

its all about being in the right place a the right time, whether that is online or in in real life

G-Money

CyberJuice wrote: »

The trick with the online dating is to get in contact with the guy and then keep it strictly online for at least 4 months, chat with him 2 or 3 times a week

within this amount of time you can find out alot about him,his true nature will also come out,if hes a horndog after no strings sex then it will come out in your online chats,his talks with you will become more sexual ect.. you can get an idea of what kind of person he is

Dont be in such a rush to engage in a face to face meeting.you can have 4 or 5 guys on your msn and chat with them all on various nights over a 4 or 5 month period and then chose the one you get on most with and meet up with him


this approcah is alot better then if you had met the 5 guys after a week or 2 of contact with them and then you realise you dont have much in common..


Alot of good guys that want a relationship have long ago given up on dating websites, you message many girls and none respond,it can get you down,make you doubt yourself,your pics ect.so most the guys that bother with such sites are just in it for the off chance they might get the leg over.

remember dating sites are a totally different experience for guys,its hard.you will write long essays to women trying to sound exciting and get a reply and you dont get any.so after a couple months you tend to just write to a girl saying shirt stuff like "Hi i like your pics write me back if you like mine" or something stupid like this. where as girls have many guys messaging them on a daily basis,you dont even need to go lookin for guys,they come to you.just join another site mayb youll find better guys there,mayb take your pics off your profile,see wil lthis get you a better type of guy whos not interested in ur flesh but ur brains

4 months? I'd be well bored of a girl by then, especially if I wanted a relationship. If she was stalling that long I'd assume she either had something to hide or was messing with my head.

solovely

CyberJuice wrote: »

The trick with the online dating is to get in contact with the guy and then keep it strictly online for at least 4 months, chat with him 2 or 3 times a week

within this amount of time you can find out alot about him,his true nature will also come out,if hes a horndog after no strings sex then it will come out in your online chats,his talks with you will become more sexual ect.. you can get an idea of what kind of person he is

Dont be in such a rush to engage in a face to face meeting.you can have 4 or 5 guys on your msn and chat with them all on various nights over a 4 or 5 month period and then chose the one you get on most with and meet up with him


this approcah is alot better then if you had met the 5 guys after a week or 2 of contact with them and then you realise you dont have much in common..

No offence Cyberjuice but it's experiences that you describe above that completely put me off online dating....I went online to MEET people, not to have online conversations with them. So many guys seemed to have no interest in real life dating, and what is the point in that. When I did do it, if a guy hadn't asked me out on a real date within a week, I gave up. No point!! I would be the same in the real world, if a guy takes my number and all he seems to want to do afterwards is text/ email, it's bye bye. These are dating sites, no online chat sites, there's plenty of other sites for that!!

musicinyou

As a guy, I have to say im just about ready to give up on the online dating! I gave it a go because like everybody else im tired of meeting girls on nights out that are after one nights of fun im passed that to be honest and id be one looking for a relationship, its weird cause I consider myself a good looking guy, good body good personality and very honest, sometimes Im too honest for my own good maybe and im starting to believe il never find someone of the same level, honesty is the hardest thing to find! I send out messages and I just get no response, im not creepy in messages because im not a creepy person, I would tend to message girls I would have something in common with but I never get any responses, its like maybe they look at me and say im looking for one thing only and that’s simply not true! So online dating! I was on parship, nothing, and that’s a paid for site(guys do not waste your money on this site!) and POF

d1975

Hi OP I know what your going through, I'm on a well known website and while I've met couple girls and went out with one for just over a year it's hard to find right person,


I'm not the best looking person in the world but I do feel judged on there is someone for everyone out there, just gotta look harder

Ickle Magoo

This is an advice forum rather than a discussion forum - and each thread is specific to the person that posted it, anyone else wishing advice should post their own thread and anyone wishing to chat or make an off-topic comment to another poster should do so via PM.

For anyone's interest there are long threads on dating site/usage in The Ladies Lounge and The Gentleman's Club but as the OP hasn't returned to this thread, I'm locking it.