Girl at Work

LegacyUser

Regular poster on boards, going anonymous. I've been working in the same company for over ten years and love my job, we took on a new member of staff who is working in my department. She's 24 and absolutely gorgeous. We get on very well. We have spent a fair bit of time together at meetings. I'm mad about her to be honest. While we work in the same department I'm not in charge of her training but if I ask her out things at work could become very awkward. She is new in the job, graduate so I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way. I'm in my late 30's possibly to old for her.
My question is should I ask her out or keep things professional?

evry1sm8

Hi Op,
I would recommend keeping things professional unfortunately...
Working with someone you are dating is always a tricky situation.
What if something went wrong, or you had a few dates and she decided you werent for her?
Wouldnt it be awkward then afterwards?
Plus you'd be distracted in work if you were working with your girlfriend.
Any story Ive heard of office romance has always had a bad ending im afraid
thats just my view on it anyway.
Plus, she's only 24 and youre late 30's, dont you think you should look for a woman a bit older?
You might scare her off if you make any advances, being that much older!!
Just thinking from my point of view, when I was 24 if a guy I worked with that was in his late 30's hit on me id feel a tad intimidated, but maybe thats just me

Zen65

anonymousOP wrote: »

My question is should I ask her out or keep things professional?

I would strongly advise against asking her out; it would end badly.

Be at peace,


Z

Starokan

if you like the woman that much then ask her out. If she says yes happy days, if she says no then thats ok. Just dont take it personally if she says no, she may not want to mix her personal and professional life.

txt_mess

Keep it professional you don't want to impact your job but if you run into her outside of work talk to her then but don't be pushy as your don't want a bad feeling in work.

karaokeman

I think I remember you posting here before OP.

Again just do whatever you feel is right.

If you want to ask her out by all means do it, if not then don't worry.

If she says no that's her problem, don't let it ruin your life.

camroc76

OP, I was in a similar situation to you and started something, only for it to end, we barely talk now and having to see that person in work on a daily basis is hard going. I would advise to think very carefully about this.

curlzy

She's 24 and you're late 30s. Sexual harrassment springs to mind, I know that's not the case but if it springs to my mind that fast how quick will it take the rest of your colleagues to see you as a bit of a perv? Stay away would be my advice. Also the chances of her wanting a late 30s guy are slim so I'd say you'd be risking your rep for nothing.

Emme

OP keep it professional for her sake. If it's her first job imagine how it would be for her if ye got together, it didn't work out, things got awkward and one of ye had to change job. You've been in the company 10 years so she would most likely be the one who would have to leave and it would be hard for her to find another job in this climate no matter how good she is at her work.

She might be intimidated if you asked her out, if not then more than likely very surprised. I know when I was 24 if somebody in my workplace who was 15 years older than me asked me out first I would have been gobsmacked and second I wouldn't have dated them because it has always been my policy to keep work and personal life separate. I would have been aware that dating a colleague who was much older (and by default, more senior) would be tantamount to sleeping my way to the top.

So keep things professional and don't make things difficult for her.

swordofislam

Tell her how you feel be upfront and make it clear that there will be no negative consequences if she says no.

Check your work practices manual first though.

Miss Fluff

anonymousOP wrote: »

She is new in the job, graduate so I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way.

You are guaranteed to make her uncomfortable if you do ask her, trust me. It will make things terribly awkward and it will make her:

a. dread facing you in work every day
b. potentially think you're a bit of a perv who hits on all "fresh meat"
c. she will probably end up avoiding you so any friendship or banter you enjoy at present will be stopped.

Don't make any advances, get to know her better and enjoy her company.

If either of you move company for any reason then by all means ask her out but other than that I wouldn't, it's really not a wise move.

Emme

swordofislam wrote: »

Tell her how you feel be upfront and make it clear that there will be no negative consequences if she says no.

Check your work practices manual first though.

I don't think this is a good idea. Firstly it will make the girl uncomfortable and secondly workplaces are rife with gossip and even if she says she won't tell somehow word will get out and the OP might not look good as a result.

OP, it's normal for men in their late 30s to have crushes on women in their early to mid 20s but in large workplaces where there are a lot of people in their 20s and there's a fairly even gender mix the 20 something girls will more than likely get together with the 20 something guys. This girl is in her mid 20s, just out of college and probably does the whole drinks after work thing with her colleagues and is enjoying the buzz of it all.

If you really like her and think the age gap won't be an issue from her side wait a few months before thinking again about asking her out. And when I say wait, I mean wait until AFTER the Christmas party or other celebrations where there's a risk of drink skewing people's judgements.

evry1sm8

Emme wrote: »

I know when I was 24 if somebody in my workplace who was 15 years older than me asked me out first I would have been gobsmacked

+ 1 million!

evry1sm8

swordofislam wrote: »

Check your work practices manual first though.

LOL

LegacyUser

evry1sm8 wrote: »

LOL

OP here. Thanks very much for the replies. I've thought about it seriously I love my job and have close friends working there and a good working relationship with this girl. I discussed it with a female colleague who advised me to keep it professional, the last thing I want is to make things at work difficult for either of us so I'm going to keep it professional. thanks again

Nolanger

You're a sad tosser if you ask her out. It's not normal for men in their late 30s to have crushes on women in their early to mid 20s in the same office. That's just creepy.

LegacyUser

I was asked out by a guy in work, I declined. His office is beside mine and oh my god the awkwardness whenever we meet in the corridor. I cringe almost everyday. Read the signs very carefully!

Taltos

Nolanger please take a rest for 10 days.
As per our charter keep comment civil and don't insult other posters.

Please familiarise yourself with the PI Charter
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/faq.php?faq=bie_faq#faq_bie_faq_guidelines

Taltos

Neyite

OP, I dont see a problem with the age difference, I have seen many relationships with 15 -20 years in the difference that was true love.

I dont see a problem with going out with former colleagues - but then I woudnt, I met my partner through work, though we never got it on while we worked together.

Going out with a current colleague, especially if you are significantly senior to her within the organisation, is not a good idea.

However, if she does move on at some stage to another firm you could ask her out then.

Soul Stretcher

Been there OP !

Age is not the issue at all in my mind. Late 30s man with early 20s girl is absolutely fine - and vice versa - older women with younger man. The idea that 20 year olds should pair off with other 20 year olds and 30 year olds with other 30 year olds is so simplistic and completely ignorant of differing personalities and tastes that are independent of age.

I think you did the right thing in deciding to keep it professional. I asked a girl at work out though a Facebook message (to avoid putting her on the spot at work) and she politely declined at work the next day. We actually become closer afterwards as she started telling me all about the fella's she was meeting while out and flirting/texting with etc. It was as if once I accepted the knock-back, then I effectively became like a girlfriend. This is not where you want to end up OP.

I'm not saying it's impossible for you two to hook up but I would definitely wait for her to step up the tone re flirting etc. If she does dig you, she will let you know. However the danger with work colleagues is that she could be like that with everyone. She might feel safer being flirty at work because work is different from non-work situations in that at work everyone (particularly men) is more restrained.

Personally I found that I had to focus more on my life outside work and meeting girls there. If the only attractive girls you meet work with you of course you are going to focus on them. If you'd be in a coma if you didn't. The key is to meet girls like her outside of work then you're free to ask her out to your heart's content !!

I feel for you though - because I've got to know some very attractive girls through work and you do get to like (love in a weak sense) them much more than the hot girl at the bus-stop cos you grow to like their personalities too. They feel safer letting you in at work because of work-place behavioral expectations than if you met them in the pub.

Again though, the key is to meet girls like her outside work !!

At least it is good to see you are open to meeting someone which is very important. And again, you are perfectly fine dating a 23/24 year old if that is what tingles your fancy (and hers of course).

Good Luck !

Distorted

I think you are right OP. This is one situation you would want to tread extremely carefully in. You risk too much to hinge losing it on a crush on a much younger woman, who, even if she did reciprocate to some extent, might not take it so seriously as you.

The main risk as I see it is that you stand to be seen as taking advantage of her because she is young, female and new to the company. Take away two of those factors and even then you risk huge embarassment if she turns you down and worse, and even if a relationship did develop, if its someone in your direct department at work and you split up, it could make things very awkward.

I think you should only ask her out on a date once she is established in the company, and if she is obviously interested in you and giving you loads of signals.

Theres nothing worse for your career and indeed your love life than being seen as a predatory older man. The older man younger woman thing seems quite often to be a fantasy in many men's eyes or a bit of an old fashioned thing, since women don't generally need an older man to look after them financially any more.

evry1sm8

Soul Stretcher wrote: »

However the danger with work colleagues is that she could be like that with everyone. She might feel safer being flirty at work because work is different from non-work situations in that at work everyone (particularly men) is more restrained.

Personally I found that I had to focus more on my life outside work and meeting girls there. If the only attractive girls you meet work with you of course you are going to focus on them. If you'd be in a coma if you didn't. The key is to meet girls like her outside of work then you're free to ask her out to your heart's content !!

I feel for you though - because I've got to know some very attractive girls through work and you do get to like (love in a weak sense) them much more than the hot girl at the bus-stop cos you grow to like their personalities too. They feel safer letting you in at work because of work-place behavioral expectations than if you met them in the pub.

I'm sorry but I feel compelled to write a response again...

I dont think the advice given above is very helpful at all.
I personally think its shockingly shallow, esp the second bit!!!

You get to like them more then the hot girl at the bus stop because you actually get to know their personalities. Gee, you dont say?
God, but there is more to women then how they LOOK, why do so many guys not get this??!!!

NO girl will go for you if you are this shallow OP.
This is why I would run (as I previously said) if an older guy asked me out in work if I dont really know him first.
Im thinking - Why is he asking me out?
Because I'm young and attractive?
Because, we are not really in the same age bracket and so dont really have that much in common, and he barely knows me!
Thats what Im thinking.

If you want a relationship with any girl, ever, let them know you respect them for who they are as well. Get to know them first. LOOKS are only skin deep, and a girl will know if you are only after her for her looks, which will sream "CREEP" to her. Girls do not want this. They want respect.

Get closer to this girl if you do genuinely really like her and its not just a case of you thinking she's "hot".
Get to know her better, and then see where things go.
Do NOT under any circumstances just ask her out based on a few work-related encounters because she will probably find it freaky and think you are just a perv.

Kimia

evry1sm8 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I feel compelled to write a response again...

I dont think the advice given above is very helpful at all.
I personally think its shockingly shallow, esp the second bit!!!

You get to like them more then the hot girl at the bus stop because you actually get to know their personalities. Gee, you dont say?
God, but there is more to women then how they LOOK, why do so many guys not get this??!!!

NO girl will go for you if you are this shallow OP.

Em... read his post again - that's exactly his point. He said that you're more likely to fall for a girl you know better because you get to know their personality.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know how long she is working with you, but maybe if she's "new" you should wait a while.

I know you have replied and said you won't be asking her out, but don't rule it out completely.. just don't jump in head first too early on. I'd be suggesting waiting a good while (year or 2 maybe!) As the saying goes: what's meant for you, won't pass you by.

And for the poster who said they never heard of an office romance that didn't end in disaster, here's your first happy ending... I married mine!

ash23

I agree with big bag of chips. I don't think the age gap is an issue. And I think after some time spent getting to know each other there's no real harm in asking her out (depending on your workplace policy of course) but I know loads of people who met at work and it's worked out well.

Elle Collins

I would feel a man 15 yrs my senior asking me out at work was presenting as a sleazebag. That's the vibe I'd get out of that situation. I'm not saying that fits all situations and I'm not saying that wouldn't be a little judgemental of me, but that's the way I'd feel, and that's not the way you want a female co-worker feeling (or talking!) about you OP.

Distorted

Elle Collins wrote: »

I would feel a man 15 yrs my senior asking me out at work was presenting as a sleazebag. That's the vibe I'd get out of that situation. I'm not saying that fits all situations and I'm not saying that wouldn't be a little judgemental of me, but that's the way I'd feel, and that's not the way you want a female co-worker feeling (or talking!) about you OP.

Echo this. Especially if I'd just started in a new workplace. I would feel really quite intimidated, and I'd be worried about my reputation in a new place. Equally, I'd be worried about repercussions if I turned him down. The workplace isn't a dating site or a nightclub and there are other considerations that take precedence over whether or not you want to ask out a new employee.

Anyway, the OP has said he isn't going to ask her out now anyway - I must say I failed to see the great hurry.

Soul Stretcher

Good point about the girl being new in the job. I think ideally OP should let her get her grounding first and find her feet so she would feel comfortable/safe from repercussion if she did decide to turn him down.

A year or two as Bag of Chips suggested. I'm presuming the OP is mature enough not to seek "revenge" on the girl should she knock him back - which I'm sure he is.

In my case, the girl I asked out is in the company longer than me - although she is 3 years younger so that wasn't an issue.

Must say though, as a 32 year old, I'm a bit perturbed about the focus on OP's age - that he would come across as a sleaze-bag for asking someone 15 yrs younger out. What is sleazy about asking someone out ? Nothing ! Sleazy is groping her at the Xmas party or making suggestive inappropriate comments. Give him, and the rest of us men, a break !! We're not all morans !!

Tis even a small bit sexist in my opinion. I mean if a 47 old coworker of mine asked me out and I started calling her a sleazy cougar, I'm sure I'd get blasted here - and rightly so.

What has age got to do with it as long as everyone is treating each other with respect ? OP is not saying he's looking to marry this girl, just date her.

I was just cringing reading the OP. I would stay WELL away from this girl at work. It's not so much the age which is creepy, but the power balance between a new grad and an employee who's been there a while. And it's also just really, really awkward. Turning someone down is always awkward, and doing it at work, where you see the person every single day is terrible. A guy asked me out when I was an intern - I declined, as I have a longterm boyfriend (he didn't even talk to me for long enough to find out) and wasn't interested anyway, but I really resented him for it as it marred the whole experience for me. I think asking this girl out would be really selfish. She probably just wants to get on with her new job. If she's truly interested, she'll make it obvious in the future, plans will be made outside work as friends, etc. Do not ask her out at work.