Boyfriend still hung up on ex?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

So the situation is me and my boyfriend have been together now for a while and for the most part we're really happy and he's the best guy I've ever been with, except for one thing: We were honest with each other from the start about our pasts and ex's etc. And it came to light that he had gone trough a bad time with his most recent ex. Basically the story was that he was madly in love with her, completely devoted to her and was convinced that she was the one, but she was manipulative and a liar and talked a lot about, and to, her ex and after a year or so he just couldn't trust her anymore and it was tearing him apart so he ended it, which sent him into a depression for a couple of months. He was with a few girls since that relationship but nothing serious until he met me. But although he told me all about the ex from the start, that didn't stop him bringing her up a lot when we got drunk and re-telling me how much he loved her and how much she hurt him. Now I can sympathize with him, because most people have had at least one bad heartbreak in their life and I wouldn't hold that against him. But also from the start he brings her up in conversation, never by name, but always mentions her somehow. For example in a normal everyday conversation I would mention something about his hair and he would say "Yeah my ex used to like it when I styled it this way" or on seeing some terrible chick flick movie advertised on tv and scoffing at it he would chime in with " Thats exactly the kind of thing my ex would make me go see", so he's been bringing her into the conversation when theres absolutely no need for it. I did ask him to stop bringing her up because it makes me feel insecure and he said his reason for it was that his ex used to do it to him so it became a habit for him to do it back, and he hadn't realised that he was doing it to me, yet he's still doing it these days.
And I think the part that has gotten me most worked up and feeling incredibly insecure recently stems from a night he got very drunk on vodka (which affects him badly) and out of nowhere randomly said "I loved her so much, and I just can't love you like I loved her, and its so unfair because you deserve it more". I didn't take him on that night because I knew it would be useless, but I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart. I raised the issue with him the next day and he didn't remember saying it but got so mad at himself and told me that he didn't mean it like it had sounded and he meant that he couldn't let his guard down as much as he had with her because he had been so badly hurt (which I suppose is reasonable) and went on to tell me that I'm so much better than she ever was, that he loves me more and whatnot. Which I really wanted to believe and did try to convince myself, but I think the damage is already done. I can't stop feeling like I'm living in the ex's shadow, that I constantly have to live up to her and be better than her, and I'm so insecure that I feel like I can't compete with this awesome ex and its making me resent him and lash out at him because I don't know how to talk to him about it because I know he'll just get annoyed if I bring up that I feel inadequate to her again.
So really what I'm asking you lovely people, is that from the facts am I just paranoid or do I have good reason to feel insecure, because I really don't know anymore. And is there anything I can do to resolve this.

Thanks in advance guys, any advice is greatly appreciated!

LegacyUser

Hi OP

what a horrible situation to be in! there is no way you deserve to feel this way.

fact of the matter is, that he still isn't over her. he may love you, but she is the one on his mind. and it may be horrible to hear this, but often people's true feelings come out when they are drunk- so you are right to be upset about what he said.

He needs to see that you will not put up with this- from what i hear, you deserve someone who just loves you and doesn't have someone-else in his heart.

Breakups are really hard, but you get over them- he needs to understand that he is being really unfair to you by acting like this. I dont know the ins + outs of your relationship, but I would talk to him about it and make it clear that if he doesnt get his act together, you will move on. And if he doesn't, actually move on! Otherwise he will continue to act this way.

Neyite

Time to get tough, methinks.

He does not have the monopoly on heartbreak, everyone has an <insert swearword of choice> Ex that screwed us over. If he needs to get his ex out of his system, thats a counsellors job, not yours.

As Princess Di famously said "there were three of us in the relationship, and it was a bit crowded" and you have the spectre of an his Ex in yours. How long do you have to pay for her relationship sins?

He can talk about the past without ever mentioning her. Its an unnecessary detail. For example "yeah, I've been told my hair looks good like this" as opposed to "yeah, Mary told me my hair looks good like this, she found it sexy"

And to say that he does it because its retaliation for her doing it is quite childish - after all look how well that relationship turned out. OP is it possible that he is deliberatly saying it to keep you a bit unsettled or unsure?

I would be especially wary that when he is drunk he proclaims undying love for her and tells you that he will never love you that way. In that event, I would give him serious space and be clear that its not you, its him.

G-Money

Sorry to hear about this OP, it sounds tough. For what it's worth, I don't think your bf is a bad guy, but it does sound like he's still hung up on this ex. As someone else said, we've all had at least one ex who f****d our heads up and it does take a long time to get past it.

I can see where you are coming from with the way he keeps bringing her up in conversations unnecessarily. That is one of my biggest gripes is when people do that. I know one girl who constantly feels the need to talk about her dating life even though she's single and people don't bring the subject up. It's almost like she's trying to make herself feel cool and popular but I just find it irritating. But I digress.

I think I'd give this guy some space OP however I'm not really sure I'm the best one to advise you on this. I often pull the rip cord pretty quickly as I don't like hanging around waiting on women to decide whether they are interested in me or not. I guess the downside is my impatience may possibly mean I miss out on something special, however I think if you give something a fair chance and the other person is unwilling or unable to give it a chance too, then sooner or later you have to move on.

Hope things take a turn for the better soon.

LegacyUser

Thanks you all for your understanding and advice, it makes me feel a lot better just knowing other people agree that I'm not blowing this out of proportion.

It really is beginning to affect our relationship to the point where I can't really be myself around him and I'm constantly wondering if he's thinking about her when he's with me.

Neyite - it has crossed my mind that he could be subconsciously doing this to me because, from what I can gather, his ex did much the same thing to him and it drove him mad, and isn't there a saying or something that you'll repeat the hurt thats been done to you on someone else or something like that. So yes, maybe a part of him is doing it on purpose.

It's gotten to the point that I think I really do need to broach the subject with him because its making me bitter and distant towards him which I hate because I really do love him and want this to work.

Has anyone got any advice on how I could bring it up to him and have him take me seriously, because when I play out the conversation in my head I think I come across sounding like I'm jealous and paranoid about his ex and it makes me look a bit mad. Because really, other than what I outlined in my original post, I just have a very strong gut feeling that he's not over her to go on, and that doesn't really stand for much.

Really what I think it is is that he has tried to convince himself that he's over her, yet I can see it coming out subconsciously all over the place, but he refuses to see it or admit to it, and that makes it hard to try to reason with him about it and how it makes me feel, if you see what I mean.

Thanks again for all of your advice, its really good to have somewhere to voice this at and have people understand.

qwerty13

Oh god, I really feel for you OP. On the one hand, I'm thinking that he has not remotely moved past her, and that you should get out; but on the other hand, I'm thinking that he is a bit obsessed by how hurt he was, and the walls are up and he is not allowing himself to just go for it with you.

I know what you mean about not coming across as the crazy lady - I can't even think how I'd articulate your very real concerns without coming across as defensive/jealous/paranoid.

If you feel that he is worth fighting for, then I think I'd do it - but not in a confrontational way that makes him feel like he has defend 'his hurt', and not after the fact. Do you think it is possible to very calmly pull him up on it, the next time he says 'oh that's what ex used to think/say/do' ... I don't know, maybe say 'I know she was part of your life, and I know she hurt you, but it makes me feel very hurt that you keep bringing up comparisons with her'. Maybe there's a chance that it might click with him that he is hurting you in somewhat the same way as he was hurt? And I'd do this every time he says stuff like that. Maybe it's semantics, but I think it is important to say how it makes you feel -v- you are doing this, and it drives me bonkers and it is clear that you aren't over her! The latter he can bluster about and deny - he can't tell you that you are wrong about the effect on YOU though.

It does sound like he wants it to work with you, but his behaviour (whilst kinda understandable) really isn't on.

Kadongy

There's a lot of people like his ex. I've been with two. I know how much impact they can have.

He's still trying to bend his head around the fact she didn't care the teeniest bit about him and ditched him as soon as he was no longer convenient. He's picked up some of her nasty habits. He's wary of getting to the same depth of feeling with you. His ex would have manipulated him into believing a lot and caring a lot. You probably don't do this and actually suffer in comparison.

He realises what she was like. He realises you arent the same type. He is still fncked up from it. I strongly doubt he still wants to be with her. He never did love her at all. He loved an illusion she created to exploit him. He never even knew her until she had stabbed him in the back a few times. Her behaviour is inhuman to normal people, even though there are loads like her. It is a seriously seriously hard thing to really digest. That's what he's doing now - getting his head around it. Realise that and show him the care he never ever got from her. In the end he'll value you more for knowing how valuable that is.

Suggest to him that he reads up on narcissistic personality disorder tbh.

Magicmatilda

You don't just have a strong gut feeling though. He told you straight out while drunk (in my opinion the truth comes out when we are drunk) that he loved her and could never love you as much. That's pretty clear. Also the fact that he keeps going on about her. I really don't think i could accpet being somebodies second best in that way.

Kadongy

Magicmatilda wrote: »

You don't just have a strong gut feeling though. He told you straight out while drunk (in my opinion the truth comes out when we are drunk) that he loved her and could never love you as much. That's pretty clear. Also the fact that he keeps going on about her. I really don't think i could accpet being somebodies second best in that way.

He said it in the past tense; not the present.
He doesn't love the ex now. He is just still reeling from how she treated him and confused about it.

seenitall

Kadongy wrote: »

He said it in the past tense; not the present.
He doesn't love the ex now. He is just still reeling from how she treated him and confused about it.

Whatever about "love", I don't think it is in human nature to be able to have respect for a partner who hangs about in the face of being told they are second best, may they be ever so much "more deserving", etc. And where there is no respect and equality of feelings toward each other, there is no equal or satisfying relationship.

I know that every relationship is different and usually I would advise people to be realistic in similar circumstances, but this case of mentionitis etc. sounds pretty extreme and soul-destroying. In Vino Veritas.

The impact on your self-esteem of all this emotional messiness could be very painful and very detrimental to you, OP. I wouldn't be exposing myself to be hurt like that; life's too short to be paying for other people's past misdeeds. The best thing for you would be to walk and leave him to it. I know it is easier said than done; sorry.

Best wishes.

Kadongy

seenitall wrote: »

Whatever about "love", I don't think it is in human nature to be able to have respect for a partner who hangs about in the face of being told they are second best, may they be ever so much "more deserving", etc. And where there is no respect and equality of feelings toward each other, there is no equal or satisfying relationship.

I know that every relationship is different and usually I would advise people to be realistic in similar circumstances, but this case of mentionitis etc. sounds pretty extreme and soul-destroying. In Vino Veritas.

The impact on your self-esteem of all this emotional messiness could be very painful and very detrimental to you, OP. I wouldn't be exposing myself to be hurt like that; life's too short to be paying for other people's past misdeeds. The best thing for you would be to walk and leave him to it. I know it is easier said than done; sorry.

Best wishes.

He's not saying she's second best though.

He fell in love with an illusion of his perfect woman who thought everything about him was amazing. She manipulated him in all sorts of ways to make him care and focus on on her more. I know how these people work. The fact is that he was taken in by it and taken advantage of. He was in love with an illusion created specifically to make him fall in love.

Real actual people are not tailor-made to make a specific person love them. Someone who falls for the illusion is not going to love an actual person so strongly so fast. Especially when they've been badly hurt by loving so much the first time.

She's not second best. The girl he loved so much never existed. He was tricked. Now he's trying to get his head around that.

OP: I suppose really it comes down to whether he can get his head around that fully. He sounds like he is getting his head around it and it sounds like communication is very good between you two. If he does he'll appreciate genuine love even more. If he doesn't then yeah you'd be suffering from someone else's misdeeds, and he probably isn't emotionally ready for a relationship.

LegacyUser

OP it is very noble of you to take on your boyfriend's issues like this and to bear the brunt of them. However they are his issues and if he had any consideration for you, he wouldn't make them your problem in the first place. Forget him, you sound a lot more worthwhile than he is

seenitall

Kadongy wrote: »

He's not saying she's second best though.

He fell in love with an illusion of his perfect woman who thought everything about him was amazing. She manipulated him in all sorts of ways to make him care and focus on on her more. I know how these people work. The fact is that he was taken in by it and taken advantage of. He was in love with an illusion created specifically to make him fall in love.

Real actual people are not tailor-made to make a specific person love them. Someone who falls for the illusion is not going to love an actual person so strongly so fast. Especially when they've been badly hurt by loving so much the first time.

She's not second best. The girl he loved so much never existed. He was tricked. Now he's trying to get his head around that.

OP: I suppose really it comes down to whether he can get his head around that fully. He sounds like he is getting his head around it and it sounds like communication is very good between you two. If he does he'll appreciate genuine love even more. If he doesn't then yeah you'd be suffering from someone else's misdeeds, and he probably isn't emotionally ready for a relationship.

I would argue that if "these people" are deluded enough to have idealised someone who badly mistreated them, and are not mature enough to appreciate a good thing that they have in their lives (except on a purely rhetorical level, of course) they are certainly not ready for a good, caring relationship at this point in time.

You seem to be looking at this issue from this guy's POV, and I'm sure he has it very tough etc, but I would be way more concerned about how all this emotional to-ing and fro-ing of his is affecting the OP; there is simply NO excuse for this level of headwreck in a supposedly loving and equal relationship. Communication is very important, yes, but feeling like one can't and never will be able to live up to an idealised woman from the past is a recipe for personal and relationship disaster. I have seen examples of this type of behaviour too, and it NEVER ended in happily-ever-after. There is far too much delusion and unresolved self-esteem issues going on.

I would be more inclined to cut the guy some slack if he at least acknowledged the problem and the impact his headwreck is having on his girlfriend, but his selfish delusion that he is over the ex and refusal to admit to the plain truth when sober, make me all the more convinced he is not worth all the effort or the love, that is going unappreciated and ultimately unreturned.

In other words, "these people" need to grow the hell up before it could be in any way safe for one's emotional well-being to form attachments to them.

Kadongy

seenitall wrote: »

I would argue that if "these people" are deluded enough to have idealised someone who badly mistreated them, and are not mature enough to appreciate a good thing that they have in their lives (except on a purely rhetorical level, of course) they are certainly not ready for a good, caring relationship at this point in time.

You seem to be looking at this issue from this guy's POV, and I'm sure he has it very tough etc, but I would be way more concerned about how all this emotional to-ing and fro-ing of his is affecting the OP; there is simply NO excuse for this level of headwreck in a supposedly loving and equal relationship. Communication is very important, yes, but feeling like one can't and never will be able to live up to an idealised woman from the past is a recipe for personal and relationship disaster. I have seen examples of this type of behaviour too, and it NEVER ended in happily-ever-after. There is far too much delusion and unresolved self-esteem issues going on.

I would be more inclined to cut the guy some slack if he at least acknowledged the problem and the impact his headwreck is having on his girlfriend, but his selfish delusion that he is over the ex and refusal to admit to the plain truth when sober, make me all the more convinced he is not worth all the effort or the love, that is going unappreciated and ultimately unreturned.

In other words, "these people" need to grow the hell up before it could be in any way safe for one's emotional well-being to form attachments to them.

By "these people" I meant types like the ex who wrecked his head - not the OP's bf himself.

You're right I'm looking at it from his point of view. I was aware of that while posting. I've been that guy. Twice. I might seem unsympathetic to the OP's side of things. I'm not. I just think I can provide some insight into what is actually going on with the guy.

I disagree with you about the guy. I don't think he idealised the ex. I think he was misled by her very badly. He doesn't seem deluded to me. He seems like he's strugglng to come to terms with the fact he was duped.

Kadongy

nekjvnf wrote: »

OP it is very noble of you to take on your boyfriend's issues like this and to bear the brunt of them. However they are his issues and if he had any consideration for you, he wouldn't make them your problem in the first place. Forget him, you sound a lot more worthwhile than he is

Yeah I agree he needs to take responsibility for them himself. That's very important. You might find he took on responsibilities an awful lot for his ex tbh, at the expense of taking responsibilities for himself.

LegacyUser

Kadongy wrote: »

Yeah I agree he needs to take responsibility for them himself. That's very important. You might find he took on responsibilities an awful lot for his ex tbh, at the expense of taking responsibilities for himself.

Still not his current gfs fault though. He needs to man up and quit having her suffer his sh1t

seenitall

Kadongy wrote: »

I think he was misled by her very badly. He doesn't seem deluded to me.

Oh c'mon now I appreciate you went through similar, but the very first thing anyone in his situation needs to do is face up to the fact that it is not all the harridan ex's fault. A relationship is made out of two people. He has got to take responsibility for letting himself be duped and misled and above all badly treated, otherwise he will never be able to heal, and will keep externalising his pain in a warped way, like he is doing, and punishing and alienating girlfriends.

This problem of his is his problem with himself, and all "the care that he never ever got from her" will not be enough to sort him out. Because it is obvious it hasn't been so far, and why should it when he seems happy enough not to ackowledge that he has a problem at all, and happy enough to watch his girlfrind hurt on account of his issues. As I said, not only deluded, but selfishly deluded. He is effectively gaslighting his girlfriend. (Talk about NPD, eh? )

Kadongy

seenitall wrote: »

Oh c'mon now I appreciate you went through similar, but the very first thing anyone in his situation needs to do is face up to the fact that it is not all the harridan ex's fault. A relationship is made out of two people. He has got to take responsibility for letting himself be duped and misled and above all badly treated, otherwise he will never be able to heal, and will keep externalising his pain in a warped way, like he is doing, and punishing and alienating girlfriends.

This problem of his is his problem with himself, and all "the care that he never ever got from her" will not be enough to sort him out. Because it is obvious it hasn't been so far, and why should it when he seems happy enough not to ackowledge that he has a problem at all, and happy enough to watch his girlfrind hurt on account of his issues. As I said, not only deluded, but selfishly deluded. He is effectively gaslighting his girlfriend. (Talk about NPD, eh? )

Yes I agree entirely with you regarding his responsibility. In fact I said in my following post he needs to take responsibility himself.

As regards you saying he does not acknowledge his own part, well that's not how I read it. But when all you have to go on is a few paragraphs of text, it's very much open to interpretation. I get the impression he has realised the way things were, and is in shock a bit at having been so foolish. You get the impression he hasn't acknowledged that, or the fact he was part of what happened himself. I think either interpretation is valid. I think the OP would be well off to consider which one is closer to the truth.

LegacyUser

Kadongy wrote: »

As regards you saying he does not acknowledge his own part, well that's not how I read it. But when all you have to go on is a few paragraphs of text, it's very much open to interpretation

Thats just an excuse, the girl is still getting crapped on, no matter what way you 'interpret' it.

Kadongy wrote: »

I think either interpretation is valid. I think the OP would be well off to consider which one is closer to the truth.

Either interpretation is irrelevant because the end result is still the same, with this guys poor gf getting crapped on from a height. The reasons behind it dont change the way she's being treated. All she needs to consider is if shes willing to stay with someone where her needs are always secondary to his

seenitall

SecondBest wrote: »

Really what I think it is is that he has tried to convince himself that he's over her, yet I can see it coming out subconsciously all over the place, but he refuses to see it or admit to it, and that makes it hard to try to reason with him about it and how it makes me feel, if you see what I mean.

Very unhealthy and draining dynamic to the relationship. It can't last without more and more hurt being inflicted upon the OP, and I wish she were strong enough to spare herself that. Because the next thing on the line will be her self-respect.

I am a friend

If he is still badly damaged from the last relationship he should not be in a new one.

Op, make this about you - can you ever be happy with him after this?

Ickle Magoo

Kadongy wrote: »

Suggest to him that he reads up on narcissistic personality disorder tbh.

Please stop pushing NPD.

As per the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL], please do not attempt to make an internet diagnosis - be aware that doing so can earn you a forum ban.

Many thanks.