Friends that Aren't/Weren't Ever Real 'friends'???...

LegacyUser

I don't want this to sound dramatic or depressing. Generally, that's not the sort I am.

Over the last two years I've gotten close to a girl. Before that I was always single, not for want of choice - I just never really clicked with anyone.

One thing that always got to me while single was my friends. I always thought that they took the mick out of me behind my back. I knew they talked about me, for instance, at college I walked up behind one of the group only to hear her discussing me with strangers. And, to be honest, maybe I gave them reason to too. But, as I was single, I let these things go as it meant having people to be around (including some good people that didn't take mick too).

When I brought my new girlfriend out one night I noticed that the talking continued, maybe maliciously so, to a point where a stranger approached me and knew my name and a couple of other things and insulted my girlfriend. At that point, I cut ties with that group of friends.

Problem is this. Other friends associated with that bunch that I thought I wouldn't lose because I had known them so long(before the group ever really formed) and considered them good friends I have lost. I don't get invites, talked to on FB or even a txt to see how I am anymore etc. etc. A couple of years ago after a family member of a 'close' friend died his girlfriend told me I was his best friend. It was very flattering to be told that and I believed it - I had known him a long time. But even he doesn't take any interest in me now, even after I invite him out, talk to him on FB & text him too. It's one sided to say the least. I find it very confusing.

My confidence is starting to suffer a little I think. I'm always questioning myself, my social skills and how I am around people. I fear that I'll get awkward and somewhat isolated as a result. I'm doing a distance course so I don't get to interact much. It's getting to a stressful point (exams) where I don't have time really to get out to clubs/activities to make new friends. I think it gets to me 'cause I've always been happy to be around people and listen to people especially. I love hearing peoples' opinions and experiences. I just wonder is it something about me that repulses people. Do I do something to get to them. I really hope not... The biggest thing that gets to me is when my gf goes out with her friends I get angry 'cause I haven't the same options. It eats me up a little.

Anybody else have experience of this and what did/would you do? Part of me just wants to move and press 'restart'...

Daisy M

I doubt that there is something about you that repulses people. I think the problem stems from a lack of self confidence. You allowed people to take the mick out of you and generally behave in a not very plesant manner towards you. Its not nice or fair that you were treated like this but is proably down more to this particular groups immaturity than you. While you were the scapegoat of the groups jokes it meant that each one of themwere not!
It will take time but you can and will make new friends. Dont ever allow yourself to be put down noone is better than you and you deserve to be treated with respect. Forget about people who are not making the effort to remain in touch. In the long term you are better off having one or two real friends than a load of aquaintainces who treat you like dirt.
Be yourself when you are socialising dont act completely different to fit in, go out when you can and try not to over think your behaviour. Best of luck!

Nulty

Someone in another thread here mentioned the possibility that people tend to get immersed in a group of friends and lose their individuality. I'm not suggesting that you are one of those people but just that it is possible.

I always thought that people who were born into families that were moved around, say because of work commitments of the parents were unlucky. I now realise that those people are far more advanced, mature and independent than myself. It's somethinig to consider. Maybe thses circumstances are to your long term benefit?

To answer your post directly, I understand it must be hard right now thinking your quite alone but I urge you to take strength from your situation and see it as a new beginning. You will get the opportunity to make new, better and more suitable friends in time but for now you need to concentrate on your exams, etc. Once you get the vital things out of the way you can concentrate on your social life. I know social interactivity is important but maybe you can harness that desire to push you on to better yourself, give you more confidence in your own achievements and who knows, you might even start to think that other people are lucky to be your friends rather than the other way around?

/Ramblings

thefeatheredcat

OP you need to value yourself more and staying friends with people you described shows that you don't value yourself as much as you should because you deserve to have friends that don't take the mick out of you behind your back, or even in front of you to what you described.

You were right to cut ties with them, imo. As for the rest though, do you really want to be friends with people who associate with those that behave as your previous friends did? I think you deserve better than that OP! Friendship, like communication is a two way street. If you have made your effort to contact/meet up and have initiated it then perhaps it is best to realise that you do really deserve better than that.

Collectively, all their behaviour is a reflection of themselves as people, of their behaviour and not a reflection of you as a person or your social skills.

I've been a bit down that road OP and tbh at some point you have to draw a line on it all and realise you deserve better.

What would worry me is your confidence suffering that is causing you to doubt yourself. Don't let it.

Right now I would just focus on your exams and concentrate on that and put everything about your friends aside and if your confidence regarding your exams is being effected by it getting you down, then look for positive things and positive people to help you focus into a more happy frame of mind.

After that though, I think you are best going with making new friends altogether and you will find plenty of positive people who won't treat you like your previous friends did, who will value you more than that. In the meantime, don't worry about maybe feeling a bit lonely or envious of your girlfriend's friendships - trust in yourself and have confidence in yourself that you will meet great positive people who will value you as a friend, and keep your focus on your exams.

LegacyUser

"Someone in another thread here mentioned the possibility that people tend to get immersed in a group of friends and lose their individuality."

Yeah, I can see and understand that. I think I always had opinions and my style of doing things and I think that was what set me apart and why they took the mick to be honest.

One regret I have and I think this is what makes me angry somewhat is that I never confronted them about things they were saying. Why was I happy to let it lie? Maybe, that just shows that I've grown a bit and developed since. You live and you learn. Maybe had I stood up and been counted I wouldn't find myself in a situation where I now don't have anyone to invite out for a round...

I will try to make positive out of it and accept it and build on it. I think the feelings of anger and regret will take a while to fizzle out. Thanks for your advice! It gave me good perspective.