Sexless relationship

LegacyUser

My boyfriend wont have sex with me and it's driving me mad. We are both in our twenties and have been together six months. For a while he said he wasn't ready and I was fine with that but the more we talk about the more sad I feel. As it transpires he has never felt comfortable having full intercourse. It's not so much a question of being unready, but rather that full sex makes him feel uncomfortable and always has done. He dated a girl for two years and felt the same with her. He/we do everything else available on the sexual menu, but (and sorry to be crass) actually putting "it" in never happens. Our sessions range from very romantic to downright dirty but neither seems to make him want to go the full way. It's like actual penetration is an enormous barrier rather than being a natural progession. His reasons for this are very vague. He feels "uncomfortable" with it. He says he's always been like this. That other sexual contact was never a big deal and he's enjoyed his fair share of it, but that actual sex was always a much bigger deal. We are incredibly comfortable around each other naked and in every other sexual way but this is starting to bother me as I feel not only sexually shut out but somewhat emotionally too. He says it'll happen when he's ready but if he has never felt comfortable having full sex, even in a previous commited relationship, then I don't think it's a question of being ready.

He's not cheating. He's not gay. He loves me very much as I do him and breaking up with him is out of the question. Every other aspect of the relationship is near perfect, he's an incredible person and boyfriend but this is really starting to get to me, and I feel guilty that it's becoming such an issue.

I'm just wondering what do I do?

Ickle Magoo

"Uncomfortable" is a bit vague...do you mean physically? Religiously? Emotionally?

Bit hard to offer advice on the best angle of approach without knowing what the actual issue IS.

Mike Strutter

LadyBumbleBee wrote: »

My boyfriend wont have sex with me and it's driving me mad. We are both in our twenties and have been together six months. For a while he said he wasn't ready and I was fine with that but the more we talk about the more sad I feel. As it transpires he has never felt comfortable having full intercourse. It's not so much a question of being unready, but rather that full sex makes him feel uncomfortable and always has done. He dated a girl for two years and felt the same with her. He/we do everything else available on the sexual menu, but (and sorry to be crass) actually putting "it" in never happens. Our sessions range from very romantic to downright dirty but neither seems to make him want to go the full way. It's like actual penetration is an enormous barrier rather than being a natural progession. His reasons for this are very vague. He feels "uncomfortable" with it. He says he's always been like this. That other sexual contact was never a big deal and he's enjoyed his fair share of it, but that actual sex was always a much bigger deal. We are incredibly comfortable around each other naked and in every other sexual way but this is starting to bother me as I feel not only sexually shut out but somewhat emotionally too. He says it'll happen when he's ready but if he has never felt comfortable having full sex, even in a previous commited relationship, then I don't think it's a question of being ready.

He's not cheating. He's not gay. He loves me very much as I do him and breaking up with him is out of the question. Every other aspect of the relationship is near perfect, he's an incredible person and boyfriend but this is really starting to get to me, and I feel guilty that it's becoming such an issue.

I'm just wondering what do I do?

If I were u I'd kick him to the kerb or find a fcuk buddy to scratch your itch with nsa.

LegacyUser

Op here.

@Ickle, I know...and I've already tried to find out exactly what "uncomfortable" means and in all the times we've talked about it he says that he can't explaining it any better than that. That he doesn't know himself, hence why I'm finding it so difficult.

@Mike. I've already said breaking up with him is out of the question. Read the post before responding with unhelpful comments like that.

nagolina

Do you see yourself living without a full sexually fulfilling relationship years down the line if this issue isn't resolved? Would you be happy to go without penetration indefinitely?

IME, if one person isn't happy with the physical side of things and the other partner refuses to try and resolve things then the resentment just grows and grows.

Would he go to counselling? If he's not prepared to seek help for something which sounds psycosexual (sp?) then he's being totally selfish.

It's not going to sort itself out unless something changes and that ain't going to happen without some effort on his part.

Ickle Magoo

LadyBumbleBee1 wrote: »

Op here.

@Ickle, I know...and I've already tried to find out exactly what "uncomfortable" means and in all the times we've talked about it he says that he can't explaining it any better than that. That he doesn't know himself, hence why I'm finding it so difficult.

Well, I think first of all you need to have a serious discussion - outside the bedroom - about this and the problems it is causing - lay all your cards on the table and ask that he do likewise. I think you need to establish what "uncomfortable" is because that is going to determine when/if this issue is going to be resolved to your satisfaction. First and foremost though, you have to stress this matter is really affecting you and your relationship and palming the issue off with "uncomfortable" vagaries is not going to help matters.

All the best you. :cool:

Mike Strutter

LadyBumbleBee1 wrote: »

Op here.

@Ickle, I know...and I've already tried to find out exactly what "uncomfortable" means and in all the times we've talked about it he says that he can't explaining it any better than that. That he doesn't know himself, hence why I'm finding it so difficult.

@Mike. I've already said breaking up with him is out of the question. Read the post before responding with unhelpful comments like that.

Get a fcuk buddy so!

He doesnt needn't know

Miss Fluff

I am assuming he is a virgin and this "uncomfortableness" he speaks of is a mixture of embarrassment and fear that he has let it go on this long - it's probably like he's almost reached the point of no return now and has made "doing the deed" into this massive issue when it shouldn't be.

Has he admitted to you that he is a V-Reg?

dudara

Mike Strutter Please stick to the topic - don't post if you've nothing helpful or constructive to add

LegacyUser

Op here. He isn't a virgin. He's slept with four people including his ex (sexual) for nearly two years. He's just never been comfortable with penetration. He keeps saying give him time, but how will that work if he didnt even feel comfortable doing it with ex-girlfriend for almost two years?

LegacyUser

You really have to sit down and have a open chat. Sounds like he needs to see a professional.

Miss Fluff

LadyBumbleBee2 wrote: »

Op here. He isn't a virgin. He's slept with four people including his ex (sexual) for nearly two years. He's just never been comfortable with penetration. He keeps saying give him time, but how will that work if he didnt even feel comfortable doing it with ex-girlfriend for almost two years?

OK now I'm confused. Sorry if I seem pedantic here, just trying to understand. While you say he's had sexual relationships with four people has he actually had penetrative sex with those four people or have their relationships been sexual in nature but just that he didn't have penetrative sex?

LegacyUser

Op here. Sorry if I haven't been clear enough. Ok so he has had penetrative sex with four people. Once when he was pissed, I don't know who 2 people are (I think he did it because he was 'supposed' to), and then with his ex girlfriend.

He was with her for 6 months before they had sex and even then he said he didn't feel ready and it took him a while to feel comfortable with it. He says he needs more time until he's comfortable with me and that he doesn't want to start having sex until he's entirely ok with it because he's afraid that his uneasiness will show through if we do. He wants to enjoy it with me, not just get to a stage where he's ok with it, but get to a stage where he really wants it.

I guess I feel about rejected. I know that every relationship is different and I fell if he had sex with his ex after 6 months then he should want sex with me after 6months. But I know even when he did sleep with her he wasnt ready

trio

OP, sexual incompatibility problems do not fix themselves, unfortunately.

If you are thinking long term about this guy, then certainly it looks at the moment like you are heading into a relationship without any penetrative sex.

Because he may have had penetrative sex with his exes, but I guarantee it was only once in a blue moon. I very much doubt he was all that different with them, and even if he apparently got over this mental hurdle with them, he had admitted he was never comfortable doing it with them either.

Let me say this another way - do you think the ex didn't have the exact same feelings as you? The exact same frustrations and worry? And perhaps that's the reason why the relationship didn't work out.

If he's not a virgin, then it's a psychological issue. Perhaps he was abused as a child, or perhaps he just subconsciously formed bad associations around penetration. Both require therapy to reconcile.

But it doesn't sound like he's that worried about it? Does it distress him? Because if not, then he is basically saying to you "This is the only level I want to operate on - take it or leave it".

And he's within his rights to have his preference. But so are you.

You basically have to decide what you want. If you want penetration, then tell him that in no uncertain terms - that it's something you both have to start working towards with every sexual encounter, and that waiting around for some vague date in the future when the planets align and suddenly he feels "ready" out of the blue is wrecking your head.

OR you could just go with the flow and have no penetration for maybe years to come.

Sleepy

TBH, OP, I'd reckon it's one of a few possible things:

1. He's lost his erection during penetration in the past and was so emasculated by, and embarrassed about, that he's afraid to try again.

2. He's got a serious phobia about getting you pregnant.

3. He couldn't bring his ex to climax via penetration (very common, plenty of women who don't climax via intercourse without some clitoral stimulation etc.) and the 'uncomfortable' feeling is one of inadequacy due to ignorance of the part of this sentence that's in brackets or perhaps due to "cumming too soon" once he was inside her.

Miss Fluff

LadyBumbleBee3 wrote: »

Op here. Sorry if I haven't been clear enough. Ok so he has had penetrative sex with four people. Once when he was pissed, I don't know who 2 people are (I think he did it because he was 'supposed' to), and then with his ex girlfriend.

He was with her for 6 months before they had sex and even then he said he didn't feel ready and it took him a while to feel comfortable with it. He says he needs more time until he's comfortable with me and that he doesn't want to start having sex until he's entirely ok with it because he's afraid that his uneasiness will show through if we do. He wants to enjoy it with me, not just get to a stage where he's ok with it, but get to a stage where he really wants it.

I guess I feel about rejected. I know that every relationship is different and I fell if he had sex with his ex after 6 months then he should want sex with me after 6months. But I know even when he did sleep with her he wasnt ready

I'm afraid all this talk of feeling "ready" just doesn't cut it. How long exactly are you meant to wait? You obviously love him and have been very accommodating and patient and understanding but a vague promise of getting to the stage where HE really wants it is not acceptable. Not given his track record either. He evidently needs to see a GP and/or psychosexual therapist. There is something else at play here and I think he needs professional intervention if you are to make this relationship work.

Stench Blossoms

Put it this way OP: would you be happy to go without sex for the rest of your life with him?

If it's bothering you at 6 months it will bother you at 12months, 18months, 24months etc.

If you want a sexual relationship and he doensn't well then I can't see it working out.

(Unless as someone else said that he's ok with you having a fcuk buddy)

musicinyou

Hi OP,

i know you have stated that he isnt gay! however! i had a friend who was pretty much the same, its almost like its her writing this post, though shes with someone a couple of years now, so here goes, and please take no offence from this k, my friend went through the very same, she was sure he wasnt gay because he assured her!! fast forward a yr he's caught in bed with another guy, fast forward 6 more months he admits his sexuality and that he was gay but just wouldnt admit it to himeself because he didnt beleive it or want it! in the end he admitted he was repulsed by vaginas, and therefor when he said he wasnt ready, he was never going to be!

OP i hope your situation isnt the same as my pals, but its just like a mirror for everything she went through!

danslevent

OP not to put a sinister edge to this but do you think he could have had a terrible experience with intercourse before and maybe that affected him? Or maybe he can't climax from sex? I can relate to this in the sense that I'm not a massive fan of sex myself because I can't come from it.

I know this may seem a little crass but maybe ask him sometime he is drunk? It really seems like he has difficulty talking about it and this would relax him!

fungun

Done leave the problem languish any longer, whatever you do.

This needs to be resolved. You need to talk to him about this and without 'threatening' make him realise how important it is to you and that you need him to do some counselling. If he will not at least attempt to sort it, then you do need to consider your future together.