My Stalker

bamboozling

I've recently had some stalking issues. I met a girl one night in a club one night and one thing led to another and we had sex.

We began, what would be called a relationship of convenience at best, whereby if we happened to be out we'd meet up or if I hadn't pulled at the end of the night I might ring her and get her to come over to my place.

Anyway one night she refused to have sex so the next day I broke it off and a few days later I met someone better.

For whatever reason she has totally flipped out, she keeps following and harassing me and has turned psycho. The other day she broke the wing mirrors in my car and has began yesterday came into my workplace and started abusing me. The boss obviously wasn't happy so this has got to stop. What should I do guys?

Morag

Go do the police, report the damage to the car and ask what your options are to press charges.

LegacyUser

There are consequences when you screw people around like that. Sure, she is obviously nutty, but maybe you'll be a little more wary next time you're willing to play havoc with someone's emotions.

Chinafoot

Sharrow wrote: »

Go do the police, report the damage to the car and ask what your options are to press charges.

This.

Also, perhaps in future it would be best to make sure both parties are fully aware of where they stand so that when you "break it off" because they won't put out you won't encounter this drama.

LegacyUser

bamboozling wrote: »

I've recently had some stalking issues. I met a girl one night in a club one night and one thing led to another and we had sex.

We began, what would be called a relationship of convenience at best, whereby if we happened to be out we'd meet up or if I hadn't pulled at the end of the night I might ring her and get her to come over to my place.

Anyway one night she refused to have sex so the next day I broke it off and a few days later I met someone better.

For whatever reason she has totally flipped out, she keeps following and harassing me and has turned psycho. The other day she broke the wing mirrors in my car and has began yesterday came into my workplace and started abusing me. The boss obviously wasn't happy so this has got to stop. What should I do guys?

Was she aware from the beginning that she was nothing but a booty call that you'd discard as soon as she said no?

If not, the reason for her flipping out seems pretty clear to me.

Gannicus

I agree with sharrow. maybe see where you stand with getting a barring order.

jimmycrackcorm

Chinafoot wrote: »

Also, perhaps in future it would be best to make sure both parties are fully aware of where they stand so that when you "break it off" because they won't put out you won't encounter this drama.

That's wrong advice. You should not have to expect that someone would end up damaging your car out of rejection. Plainly wrong on their part.

blackbird98

mmmmm.......... let me see now, you meet a girl, screw her whenever it suits you, treat her like a piece of meat, until something better comes along, and now you're upset because she's pissed at you????.........while I wouldn't condone damaging somebody's property, I can understand why she is pissed off.

Have you tried talking to the girl, instead of bitching about her here???

Lollipops23

blackbird98 wrote: »

mmmmm.......... let me see now, you meet a girl, screw her whenever it suits you, treat her like a piece of meat, until something better comes along, and now you're upset because she's pissed at you???

It in no way excuses her behaviour, particularly turning up at his place of work and shouting the odds.

OP I would make a report to the police about this. I would also echo other posters sentiments about having clearer communication regarding the nature of your relationships in future. But as I said, getting screwed over doesn't excuse her.

Miss Fluff

blackbird98 wrote: »

mmmmm.......... let me see now, you meet a girl, screw her whenever it suits you, treat her like a piece of meat, until something better comes along, and now you're upset because she's pissed at you????.........while I wouldn't condone damaging somebody's property, I can understand why she is pissed off.

Have you tried talking to the girl, instead of bitching about her here???

Oh ffs, nobody is that naive. He used to call her in the wee hours when nothing better had come along, she was evidently a fcuk buddy and if she misinterpreted the situation as a 21st centuery version of Heathcliff and Cathy then it's her own lookout :rolleyes:

She allowed herself to be like this. Women like this give the rest of us a bad name. She met you randomly in a club one night, gave it up to you on a plate and then the foolish cow tried to shift the goalposts by refusing sex with you. Why? To make you fall in love with her or something? Gawd.....

And now she's behaving like a woman scorned. You owe her nothing. So why then she would go harrassing you and causing criminal damage is beyond me. She's obviously chicken oriental.

Lodge a complaint with the guards.

Firetrap

I don't think a woman who has damaged someone's car and shown up at his workplace is someone to be reasoned with.

Magicmatilda

Only the OP knows whether he lead her on in terms of what the relationship meant. I'm pretty sure he didn't lay it out to her in the terms he has done here. He hardly said "your grand but if something better comes along your history". I have my own views on the lack of respect for women he shows in his post. That said this is not a moral issue but a criminal one and criminal damage has been done.

I would suggest you meet her once and explain to her that you do not want a relationship and that her behaviour is way out of order. Tell her if she contacts you, damages your property or turns up in your workplace again you will go to the police and press charges for harrassment. The OP doesn't OWE her this, he doesn't OWE her anything but it a little bit of compassion might go a long way. The OP knows whether he treated this girl with the humanity and respect she deserved, if he did and she is just a nutter and he fears for his safety then go straight to the police. If not I would do the above instead.

Miss Fluff

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I would suggest you meet her once and explain to her that you do not want a relationship and that her behaviour is way out of order.

Sorry Matilda but this would be a case of a red rag to a bull. You could have a reasonable chat if she was a reasonable person. She is clearly and angry nutjob and I think all meeting up with her would do is encourage her crazy antics further! :eek:

Distorted

Its the risk you take if you get intimate with people you don't know from clubs - one of them might just be a nutter.

I don't think either of you come out of this particularly well. I'm guessing that you didn't see her breaking the wing mirrors on your car, so this is guesswork on your part. It could have been someone else. I've had a wing mirror broken on my car, probably by teenagers. It would have been tempting to say it was my slightly strange ex boyfriend, but a neighbour saw the teenagers doing it!

The coming into your work thing on the face of it sounds bad but if it was just a one off, could it be that she was desperate to contact you and had no other way, so thought she would drop by at lunchtime?

I might be wrong, but you seem to almost revel in the callousness with which you treated her "Anyway one night she refused to have sex so the next day I broke it off and a few days later I met someone better". Is it not unreasonable to wonder whether you would get further entertainment out of revelling in this person getting upset and making it out to seem worse than it is, for your own vanity?

And surely if you were that bothered about it, bearing in mind if she came round to your work and you have vandalism to your car to point to, would you not have gone to the police already, rather than venting about it on the internet?

You say this person is a psycho, but theres more than a few worrying psychological traits that show up in your initial post.

Anyway, if you really are worried and want the alleged crime investigated, go to the police.

@rti-shm@rti

Okay that level of angry behaviour is totally unacceptable BUT I have to say that unless you were totally open about what type of 'relationship' you had with her i.e. she was nothing more than a fcuk buddy, you have treated her like crap.

Fcuk buddy situations always end up with one person being taken advantage of unless the cards are all laid out on the table at the get go. Having said that, her behaviour is extreme and I would certainly be ringing the guards.

Bear in mind in the future though that if you want to have these types of casual relationships make sure that both parties are aware from the outset that there is nothing more going to develop.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

She allowed herself to be like this. Women like this give the rest of us a bad name. She met you randomly in a club one night, gave it up to you on a plate and then the foolish cow tried to shift the goalposts by refusing sex with you. Why? To make you fall in love with her or something? Gawd.....

Miss Fluff I wouldn't agree at all that she should have known the position from his behaviour alone. Not everyone might be as strong and self aware as you! For all we know he may have kept up a bit of contact at normal times as well. Even if he didn't you have to admit that people can be insecure, I say people because girls can hurt boys doing this too. All it takes is for someone to be a bit insecure and read too much into a situation and bam! Someone's been hurt. Okay not the OP's problem that this particular one is a nut job but you have to take other people's feelings into consideration and in future - it takes nothing to be honest!!!!

Janet1986

Op you're just going to have to tell her face to face that you met someone and that maybe you're going to start a relationship with this new girl??

Stalkers are a scary thing, i wrote a post in about my sister a couple of months ago who had a fling with a married man, 5 months on and he is still harassing her. Sending letters etc....

Miss Fluff

@rti-shm@rti wrote: »

Miss Fluff I wouldn't agree at all that she should have known the position from his behaviour alone. Not everyone might be as strong and self aware as you! For all we know he may have kept up a bit of contact at normal times as well. Even if he didn't you have to admit that people can be insecure, I say people because girls can hurt boys doing this too. All it takes is for someone to be a bit insecure and read too much into a situation and bam! Someone's been hurt. Okay not the OP's problem that this particular one is a nut job but you have to take other people's feelings into consideration and in future - it takes nothing to be honest!!!!

OK fair point. I still don't get why birds put out so easily and then turn around the "but he used me for sex" card - shock horror :eek::eek::eek: Eh, you offered it love. And personally if a guy wasn't asking me out on dates and only calling me after the pub then it would be pretty obvious exactly what the dynamic was.

Still, I get that she may have been naive enough to interpret it as something it wasn't. And I'm in agreement that the OP does come across as a pretty rude and tactless egomaniac so she might not be entirely at fault.....

Distorted

Miss Fluff wrote: »

OK fair point. I still don't get why birds put out so easily and then turn around the "but he used me for sex" card - shock horror :eek::eek::eek: Eh, you offered it love. And personally if a guy wasn't asking me out on dates and only calling me after the pub then it would be pretty obvious exactly what the dynamic was.

Some people are very good at picking out the vulnerable, naive, lacking in self esteem, very young, gullible, troubled, etc. Or indeed implying the promise of something else entirely but then disappearing when they get what they want.

Not diminishing the seriousness of stalking. In this case though, the behaviour seems to have been quite short lived in duration so far and hopefully it will die out of its own accord.

bamboozling

Thanks for the advice guys. I really don't want to go to the police because one of my friends in college knows her well and he said that she's a really nice girl so hopefully this is just a woman scorned.

Hopefully she can just forget about this and have the maturity to move on.

wildlifeman

if i was you i would meet up with her again prefereably in her gaff and tell her you want to get back together. when she inevitably lets you shag her again..just after you are finished in the sack. get up and get dressed. throw some of her stuff around her room and break afew things. then tell her that now she knows how you feel and if she ever contacts you again you will have the cops on her. rough justice but revenge will be sweet.

@rti-shm@rti

Miss Fluff wrote: »

OK fair point. I still don't get why birds put out so easily and then turn around the "but he used me for sex" card - shock horror :eek::eek::eek: Eh, you offered it love. And personally if a guy wasn't asking me out on dates and only calling me after the pub then it would be pretty obvious exactly what the dynamic was.

Totally agree but I have (unfortunately) been in situations where I look back now and I'm like 'How could you have been so fecking stupid!!??' All very easy when you're looking back/looking in from the outside but I know all too well myself that dangerous wan on my shoulder going 'but he wouldn't keep texting me if he didn't like me blah blah blah....' (would love to murder her! usually comes out when I'm drunk ) so if OP wasn't fully honest it's possible that girl had convinced herself he really liked her/things might develop.

Some girls are v good at picking out the commitment phobic players and those lads are good at picking out the vulnerable girls who will fall for them so basically.........good idea to be honest in the beginning to save everyone's feelings....trouble is the players rarely are! And so continues the cycle

Be handy if we could all wear badges! 'Commitment phobe' 'Insecure mentaller' that type of thing....would make life so much less complicated!
I would go to the police if she does anything further OP. Nice girl or no nice girl - coming into your place of work is just not on!

Chinafoot

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

That's wrong advice. You should not have to expect that someone would end up damaging your car out of rejection. Plainly wrong on their part.

:rolleyes:

Had he been up front with her from the very beginning either her nutty tendencies may have surfaced on a less dramatic scale giving him a chance to remove himself from the situation, or she might not have got so wrapped up in him thinking that there was more to the "relationship" than her being used.

I'm not condoning her behaviour at all, merely suggesting that perhaps the OP should be a bit more honest in future.

Ickle Magoo

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum and as per the forum charter; advocating violent behaviour as any kind of problem solver will result in an instant ban.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

IrishEyes19

I dont excuse what she did to your car, it wasnt the right way to handle it

But you should correct your word usage. you broke it off and found someone better????

I think you mean convienient. :rolleyes: any person in my opinion who stands their ground against someone who only wants sex in the first place is obviously better than you.

Regarding your car, and possibly other property. Insurance is the key, because if you treat all the women you meet like that, you're going to have a lot of broken stuff. :rolleyes:

IrishEyes19

Miss Fluff wrote: »

OK fair point. I still don't get why birds put out so easily and then turn around the "but he used me for sex" card - shock horror :eek::eek::eek: Eh, you offered it love. And personally if a guy wasn't asking me out on dates and only calling me after the pub then it would be pretty obvious exactly what the dynamic was.

Still, I get that she may have been naive enough to interpret it as something it wasn't. And I'm in agreement that the OP does come across as a pretty rude and tactless egomaniac so she might not be entirely at fault.....

eh, she refused sex once and he dumped her saying he could get someone better. doesnt matter what the relationship status is, that would burn anyones ego. Fair enough if two people enter into a no strings sex arrangement but jesus no girl/guy deserves that.
Op, sorry, I dont know you so I'll try not to judge. but try subtleness next time maybe, it doesnt hurt to be decent at the end of the day and no one even though it starts out as sex wants to be discarded in such a nasty manner.

and to be honest, your own wording of finding "someone better" is horrible. If your idea of someone refusing sex is someone less than you, then you need re-evaluate what you consider to be "better" because that makes you sound like a assh**e.

sad about your car, and she shouldnt have done it at all. But it'll teach you to at least be tactful.

LegacyUser

bamboozling wrote: »

Anyway one night she refused to have sex so the next day I broke it off and a few days later I met someone better.

For whatever reason she has totally flipped out, she keeps following and harassing me and has turned psycho. The other day she broke the wing mirrors in my car and has began yesterday came into my workplace and started abusing me. The boss obviously wasn't happy so this has got to stop. What should I do guys?

Aside from going to the police or trying to reason with her, the only thing you can do is deal with mess you created.

You basically used her for sex and dumped her when she copped on. Now I do not condone what she did as she has come across as unhinged from this, but at the same time none of this would of happened if you had not used her.

Take this as feedback on how you act and cop on!

bamboozling

kolop wrote: »

Aside from going to the police or trying to reason with her, the only thing you can do is deal with mess you created.

You basically used her for sex and dumped her when she copped on. Now I do not condone what she did as she has come across as unhinged from this, but at the same time none of this would of happened if you had not used her.

Take this as feedback on how you act and cop on!

In fairness now, that's not particularly fair. Whatever mistakes I made have made it doesn't excuse here outrageous behavior.

LegacyUser

bamboozling wrote: »

In fairness now, that's not particularly fair. Whatever mistakes I made have made it doesn't excuse here outrageous behavior.

Firstly I did say that "Now I do not condone what she did as she has come across as unhinged from this" and secondly I am not making excuses for what this girl did but pointing out a chance for your own personal growth.

There are consequences for every action you make, some good, some bad. In this case you treated this girl as less than human and you used her as a tool for your own sexual gratification.

From doing this she reacted in a way which although quite out of order and unlawful, was potentially something that was going to happen when you treated another human being as less than that.

You see human beings don't like being used, they don't like when people treat them less than human in anyway shape or form. By "using her for sex" because there "was no one better" you treated her in way which demeaned and shammed her.

Now I am not being rude to you in saying the above or saying she is not to blame, I just think you REALLY need to look at your own actions to see where the root of the problem was.

Take it as someone who knows, sometimes you need to ask "how could of I avoided this".

Lanaier

Miss Fluff wrote: »

She's obviously chicken oriental.

I totally agree with your post but what does this phrase mean?

{EDIT: NVM, Urban dictionaried it " cockney rhyming slang for mental"}

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Only the OP knows whether he lead her on in terms of what the relationship meant. I'm pretty sure he didn't lay it out to her in the terms he has done here. He hardly said "your grand but if something better comes along your history".

He picked her up in a club and calls her in the middle of the night for sex....how much clearer could it possibly be?

OP, if you don't mind me asking how old are you and the lady in question?
It's possible she is just young and naive.

Magicmatilda

Lanaier wrote: »

He picked her up in a club and calls her in the middle of the night for sex....how much clearer could it possibly be?

QUOTE]

Well he could say - Listen I'm not interested in a relationship with you, I just want a friends with benefits type set up - That would be quite a good bit clearer in my opinion.

Also we have no idea what he said to her when he was calling her, for all we know he was telling her she was the most beautiful creature in the world and that he loved her and saw a future for them. I don't think its fair to say that she should know from his behaviour what he wanted, why should she have to second guess his behaviour. Also the fact that he uses the term broke it off would indicate there was something to break off so quite possibly she was under the impression that she was in a monogomous, committed relationship.

Lanaier

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Well he could say - Listen I'm not interested in a relationship with you, I just want a friends with benefits type set up - That would be quite a good bit clearer in my opinion.

He could, if he was in a movie with Owen Wilson...but realistically that could be a massive turn off in the heat of the moment - even if she was of similar mind.

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Also we have no idea what he said to her when he was calling her, for all we know he was telling her she was the most beautiful creature in the world and that he loved her and saw a future for them. I don't think its fair to say that she should know from his behaviour what he wanted, why should she have to second guess his behaviour. Also the fact that he uses the term broke it off would indicate there was something to break off so quite possibly she was under the impression that she was in a monogomous, committed relationship.

Indeed we don't, so it's not fair to assume anything either way.

From my perspective the behaviour communicates quite alot actually so I'll have to strongly disagree with you there.

Ickle Magoo

As per the previous warning - this is an advice forum, not a discussion forum. Going forward, please direct your advice towards the OP.

Many thanks.

Lanaier

Well as for advice the only option is of course to notify the police before things get out of hand.

You can't be sure where this will lead.
I had an ex turn stalker and threaten to "hurt herself" if I didn't take her back.
It evolved in to threatening to cry rape which is when I broke off all contact.

Luckily in my case both were just pleas for attention.

I am a friend

Lanaier wrote: »

He could, if he was in a movie with Owen Wilson...but realistically that could be a massive turn off in the heat of the moment

Yeah there would be no pi forum if guy and gals told the other sex the truth of the situation e.g. You are a nice girl but just f/buddy material.

That level of honesty would save a lot of heartache but is seldom provided.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, my advice to you is mature a bit.

The way you describe the whole situation comes across as quite immature, and because of that, I have difficulty believing your version of events, as you posted here, is entirely factual!

(Edit: I don't doubt YOU believe it all to be true, however. I just think there's more.. or possibly less, to it.)

Are you certain it was her who damaged your mirrors? Did you see her do it, or did she tell you she did it? If not, then your ego is telling you it was her. If you KNOW it was her, report it.

If your friend in college tells you she is a nice girl, maybe YOU are making more out of her perceived stalker like behaviour than is actually there.

When she didn't have sex with you that one time and you dumped her for "someone better".. is there a chance she wasn't available? Wasn't in the mood? Was already asleep and not bothered about getting up for you?

When she arrived at your workplace to "abuse" you, was it possibly to point out to you how unreasonable and egotistical you were being to expect her to always be waiting for you, and the one night she wasn't, you "dumped her for someone better"?

You DO seem to have a high opinion of yourself. Nothing wrong with that of course. So long as your high opinion of yourself doesn't lead you to assume the worst in everyone else, and see things that may not be actually there.

Rocket19

Jeez will people stop defending the "poor girl". It doesn't sound like this guy gave her any impression she was more than just a 'sex toy' for when he was bored.
Sure, he 'dumped' her after she didn't want to have sex, but he's not her boyfriend. Sex was the extent of their relationship. The sex ended, so too did the 'relationship'.

Unless the OP has somehow neglected to include his malevolent act of trickery where he convinced the girl they were somehow in a relationship, her consequent actions were not justified in any way. They were not even "understandable"!

If you engage in one-night-stands, you've got to accept that a relationship is not guaranteed (or even likely) to come of it. Just because he wants round two, doesn't mean he wants to know "you" as a person. Seriously? What the OP did seems cold, but no-one forced the girl into a ONS, they're certainly not for everyone. If a guy likes you, he won't just call you at 3am.

Report her, cut contact, and be careful who you mess with in future, not everyone is sane!

Big Bag of Chips

People aren't necessarily "defending the poor girl", but rather giving the OP a very plausible alternative to his version of events.

Nobody knows the exact circumstances. People are just commenting on their impression of the OP's version...

MY impression, he has high notions about himself. And from what I read it is very likely the "nice girl" (as he says himself) isn't really all that cut up about him "dumping" her.

I may be totally wrong.. but then again so may you, and the OP!

gargleblaster

Distorted wrote: »

Its the risk you take if you get intimate with people you don't know from clubs - one of them might just be a nutter.

I don't think either of you come out of this particularly well. I'm guessing that you didn't see her breaking the wing mirrors on your car, so this is guesswork on your part. It could have been someone else. I've had a wing mirror broken on my car, probably by teenagers. It would have been tempting to say it was my slightly strange ex boyfriend, but a neighbour saw the teenagers doing it!

The coming into your work thing on the face of it sounds bad but if it was just a one off, could it be that she was desperate to contact you and had no other way, so thought she would drop by at lunchtime?

I might be wrong, but you seem to almost revel in the callousness with which you treated her "Anyway one night she refused to have sex so the next day I broke it off and a few days later I met someone better". Is it not unreasonable to wonder whether you would get further entertainment out of revelling in this person getting upset and making it out to seem worse than it is, for your own vanity?

And surely if you were that bothered about it, bearing in mind if she came round to your work and you have vandalism to your car to point to, would you not have gone to the police already, rather than venting about it on the internet?

You say this person is a psycho, but theres more than a few worrying psychological traits that show up in your initial post.

Anyway, if you really are worried and want the alleged crime investigated, go to the police.

ALL of this, but especially the bit in bold.

IMO it is hard to even take the OP seriously, given the self-important nature of it, along with how unbelievably obvious the answer is.

What should you do about vandalism and harassment? Um, perhaps go to the police?

Marina-anseo

"she refused to have sex so the next day I broke it off and a few days later I met someone better"

She might have taken it too far but you're obviously a p****.
Take it as a life lesson and be nicer to this new girl or you'll continue to have girls refusing to have sex with you.

Ickle Magoo

Marina-anseo infracted for personal abuse.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Firetrap

Wonder is this woman still bothering the OP or have things calmed down? I think if I had been in his shoes, I'd warn her that I was going to go to the guards if she did anything else. Just the threat of it might have brought her to her senses.