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Cant get on with boyfriends mother...

  • 31-08-2011 4:01pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi folks,

    Hoping someone can help or have similar experiences that they can advise on.

    My boyfriends mother is completely overbearing, manipulative, needy, always plays the victim and is completely jealous of me because I am with her darling son!

    I have tried to get on with her and I really want to as she is a big part of my bfs life and I can see how important that is for him, I hate putting him in the middle but it has happened on numerous occassions.

    We are not kids anymore we are 27!! Have been together for 5 years and yet she still is always trying to get in our business and is so oppinionated about everything I do. Its got to the point were I really cant stand to be around her and this has a knock on affect with my bf as family is very important to her.

    Now I by no means what to be best friends with this woman but would like to have a normal relationship with her as one day she will probably be the grandmother to my kids!!

    I dont know what to do?!?! How can I make myself like someone?! She will never change so its up to me to make changes!!

    I need to do this for my bf I just dont know how!!

    Ahhh am so fustrated!

    Thanks for reading!


Comments

  • #2
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    You are right - you can't change her - but should you change?

    Why not just have as little to do with her as possible. Be upfront to your BF - tell him why she upsets you, let him know you are not asking him to get in the middle but for your own peace of mind the best route for you is to just get on with things with as little to do with her as possible.


  • #3
    lace
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 400 ✭✭lace


    It's going to be difficult to have as little to do with her as possible if you intend on having children with this man. They're going to need to see their grandparents.

    Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to change her view and get her to like you. Has your boyfriend ever tried having a word with her? If he stands his ground and tells her how important you are to him and how much he wants the two of ye to get along she might back down a little (at least in front of him). Once she realizes you're not going anywhere and that continuing to treat you badly could affect her relationship with her son it might be enough to get her to tone it down.


  • #4
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,913 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    lace wrote: »
    It's going to be difficult to have as little to do with her as possible if you intend on having children with this man. They're going to need to see their grandparents.


    And they would have a father who seems to have a good relationship with his mother who would be capable of bringing his kids to see her without needing his partner with him!

    OP it is possible for him (and your potential kids!) to have a relationship with her without you being too involved.

    She's never going to change. You'll never be able to have a chat with her and explain your problems.. she is what she is, and unfortunately you just have to accept her for what she is.

    You can however, limit your contact with her. If he goes to visit her, you don't have to. If there are family functions that you are expected to attend, avoid her as mnuch as possible.

    If you have kids, let him bring them to visit her!


  • #5
    Starokan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    i would say the only way it will become better is if your boyfriend intervenes himself without any prompting from you. If a situation arises where you have to put him in the middle its pretty difficult for anyone to resolve it amicably. Ideally he would see whats happening and stop it.

    Could i ask does your boyfriend understand the difficulties, does he see the problems you are having with his mother or are you having to point it out to him all the time.

    Also do you have any idea of what your boyfriend would say about you to his mother in private, for example if you both have a disagreement about something is he likely to complain to her about you. Im not saying this is happening but sometimes in laws perceptions are based solely on what they are told and if his mother is hearing negatives instead of positives it could have an effect.

    Of course there is also the possibilty that she is just plain nasty as unfortunately a lot of people can be and if thats the case then i would say cut your contact with her to the minimum and explain to your partner why you are doing it.

    good luck


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