Boyfriend doesnt love me anymore

LegacyUser

Myself and my partner are going out for three years now, after many more of being the best of friends. He had chased me for years before we got together, and since we’ve gone out I have fallen just more and more in love with him every day.

We recently moved in together, which was really more my idea than his (I realise now). He has grown more and more distant from me and the other day when I pressed him as to what was on, he told me he just doesn’t love me as much as he did, and that it feels like something is missing.

He says he wants to work on things and doesn’t want to break up but I am heartbroken. I just don’t know what to think, does this spell the end for us? In which case should I end things before I get more hurt? I can’t think of any reason that he feel like this and he says he doesn’t know why.

I would love to get some advice but I can’t talk to my friends and family because this is just too upsetting and private.

analucija

"Doesn't love me as much" isn't the same as "doesn't love me". A lot of couples have to work through a crisis. I don't think it's the end and I would certainly try some counseling or at least talk it through properly with him before ending the whole thing.

Sunshine and lollipops

You poor thing, but the last poster is right, he is not saying he's not in love with you anymore, maybe things like this happen so that the two of you can put more effort in and realise how important you are too eachother. Chin up  he would have left if he wasn't happy, sit down together and talk about the earlier days and what used to make you both happy. Good Luckx

LegacyUser

Part of my thinks it just that we're over that "cant spend a minute" apart stage like when we first went out. To me the love I feel for him now is stronger-but I dont know how someone can turn it off like that.

I am so hurt but I just want to make it better-and at the same time I dont know how. He is a total closed book too, so makes it even more difficult to get him to talk about his feelings.

Sunshine and lollipops

Most men are closed books believe me, trying to get my boyfriend to open up is ridiculous!anyway I think give him a little space but spend sone 'quality' time together. Organise a date night, a weekend away ...something out of the day to day routine, things can get stale and if it can be saved, that spark will come back and I think by the sounds of your story it will. X

lace

Hi OP! Maybe your boyfriend is confused (men often are :P). Maybe what you see as a more mature, different kind of love he's seeing as a "loss" of love. The feeling couples get once they're past the initial "can't-be-without-each-other" crazy chemistry kind of love isn't as constantly intense so perhaps he just misses that feeling of infatuation. As the above poster has said - something out of the ordinary like a weekend away or a date night could be a good idea. Living together, couples can often fall into a routine and things can feel a little stagnant. Remind him of why you two got together in the first place and show him you two are still a hot couple!

Miss Fluff

sad_and_advice_needed wrote: »

We recently moved in together, which was really more my idea than his (I realise now). He has grown more and more distant from me and the other day when I pressed him as to what was on, he told me he just doesn’t love me as much as he did, and that it feels like something is missing

I think saying he doesn't love you as much as he did is a pretty bold statement tbh. If you want my honest opinion I don't think it bodes well. It would be a different matter if he said that he was having difficulty acclimatising to co-habiting or he felt he was spending too much time with you (all natural enough when you move in with someone) but not loving you as much equates to falling out of love which happens when you're going to break up with someone.

Why do you feel he was reluctant to move in with you?

I don't think you should end things "before getting hurt" but you do need to find out exactly what he means. Regardless of him being a "closed book" you deserve to know where you stand in the relationship and if his heart isn't really in it anymore.

sbsquarepants

Hi OP,

I've read through the responses here and without meaning to insult anyone, they're mostly typical female bollox, men aren't stupid creatures who don't really know how they feel and need to be guided and moulded and all that nonsense. The simple fact is that living with someone is entirely different to just going out with them, it could be that he is still settling in and is just a bit out of sorts or it could be that it's just not going to work out, which is sad but it does happen. But to be perfectly honest it doesn't sound too good.

Distorted

For some reason, the men and women who do the most chasing and who are the most full on in relationships from the outset, also seem to be the ones that lose interest most quickly. It could be that the reality of a relationship and living with the faults of a person that simply make them human is less than his idealised wish for what a relationship could be. Or it could be that he just doesn't like you enough to continue the relationship. But you are being very passive and letting him take control over the future of this relationship. Why are you not saying that maybe, just maybe, a person who complains of disinterest after just three years is not that great long term material for YOU?

I wonder what would happen if you lose interest in him because of this. Would he start to chase you again? I find it interesting that you mention that he did chase you for years, could be that the chase is more interesting to him than the long term reality, in which case I'd steer well clear of being involved in that sort of drama personally.

All just speculation OP!

King of Kings

lace wrote: »

Hi OP! Maybe your boyfriend is confused (men often are :P). Maybe what you see as a more mature, different kind of love he's seeing as a "loss" of love. The feeling couples get once they're past the initial "can't-be-without-each-other" crazy chemistry kind of love isn't as constantly intense so perhaps he just misses that feeling of infatuation. As the above poster has said - something out of the ordinary like a weekend away or a date night could be a good idea. Living together, couples can often fall into a routine and things can feel a little stagnant. Remind him of why you two got together in the first place and show him you two are still a hot couple!

I think this is the best advice. I don't know a guy this hasn't happened too to some degree - myself included.
Relatiinships take effort and its actually harder to feel that chemistry when you are living together as you get stuck in routine and see the other person in daily life where before it would have been dates, parties, fun time etc....

Also moving is usually always a shock to the system. He probably needs re-adjustment as you've only recently moved in together

Taltos

sad_and_advice_needed wrote: »

We recently moved in together, which was really more my idea than his (I realise now). He has grown more and more distant from me and the other day when I pressed him as to what was on, he told me he just doesn’t love me as much as he did, and that it feels like something is missing.

OP - just wondering - since you moved in - are you both still getting time alone to do things with your friends or just to chill?
It could be as simple as that you know - if he is never alone or never has a chance to just chill it might just all be stress related.

sbsquarepants

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, actually it was insulting and you haven't said anything really that different to the 'female bollox' posted before you.

Ok. I could have phrased that a lot better, i'm sorry.

Personally i think that if someone sits down and tells their partner that they don't love them like they used to, then the writing is on the wall for that relationship. That's my opinion and although i did say it's possible he's just out of sorts, that is kind of sugar coating it, it's possible but it's not probable.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - just wondering - since you moved in - are you both still getting time alone to do things with your friends or just to chill?
It could be as simple as that you know - if he is never alone or never has a chance to just chill it might just all be stress related.

Actually there's more to it.... in the last month he also got a new job which means his commute is quite long now and he gets less time to chill out. The time he has free on the weekends he wants to spend with his friends because he doesn't see them all week. This is how the whole issue came up. I thought it was unfair that we no longer did fun things together on the weekends-even thou I like to see him get time with his pals too.

When people are saying the prognosis is not good, do they mean it looks like he is planning to break up with me? No point sugar coating it for me. I find it hard to be objective because I care about him so much.

Zen65

King of Kings wrote: »

Relatiinships take effort and its actually harder to feel that chemistry when you are living together as you get stuck in routine and see the other person in daily life where before it would have been dates, parties, fun time etc....

The King is spot-on with this advice.

There's no way of living life together and preserving the kind of fun that you had as a "dating" couple unless it's a very big house!! Spending every night together requires a change in the relationship dynamics, and it can seem to either partner that the euphoria is dwindling from the relationship.

Both of you need to work at getting back those feelings from the early days together, while acknowledging that it won't be that way every day.

Weekend breaks (both separately and together), exploring individual interests (hobbies, books, film, nights out, etc) as well as joint interests, and most importantly..... taking the time in every day to acknowledge the feelings you have for each other are all important elements in creating a warm, fulfilling and fun relationship. Obviously maintaining an active, healthy sex life together is also critical. Be sure that you don't fall into the trap of thinking "well we may as well have sex now". Certainly sexual relationships can stagnate a little from time to time, but both persons have to consciously commit to making sex as exciting and rewarding as possible for you both. Explore new sex games together (I'm not going to advise on this, you can read any amount of literature on the inter-web) as a way of keeping it "new".

In time, relationships settle into something comfortable and possibly less exciting. Three years is too soon, and if you don't / can't rejuvenate it now, then the long-term prospects are not good.


Be at peace,

Z