feeling betrayed by a close friend

LegacyUser

I had confided in my closest friend for 3 years that I was concerned about a new family moving into the area. I knew her family and friends from where we used to live and had gotten the impression she might be a snob. I could tell when the family moved in this new girl was wondering what my husband and I thought of them. Well this new family immediately befriended our closest friends and apparently they do things all the time together. My friend still tried to be friends with me but has kept both friendships completely separate and has avoided discussing anything or really talking about how good of friends they have become this summer. To add to the irritation I run into this new girl when we take our sons to preschool. I have tried to be friendly but have noticed a weird vibe from the her end. Kind of like she would like to avoid me. I decided to call up my friend today and ask her if there was any reason this girl (her new bff) might have an issue or had said anything. Apparently this new girl asked my friend if we had said anything about them. My close friend told her that I said I had heard that their family had a reputation for being snobs/snooty but I hadn't said anything bad.. OK so isn't that wrong? Shouldn't she had said "no she knew your friends and family but didn't know you personally." shouldn't loyalty for a 3 year friendship take priority over a 2 month one???

MitchKoobski

You pegged this new family as "snobs" without meeting the woman. You're annoyed that your friend is friends with her now. Your friend is trying her best to keep both friendships without issue, and doesnt talk to you about the woman because you clearly don't like her. Your friend is going out of her way to be nice to you by not talking about her.
You're irritated that you see this woman dropping your kids to school. Come on ffs.Your friend told her that you heard a rumour, but never said anything bad.Your friend did nothing wrong, if anything she's been going out of her way to be nice to both sides.

LegacyUser

Op, your post reeks of being jealous or having a major chip on your shoulder. Perhaps try and get to know this person before taking the idle gossip of a shower of busy bodies as gospel.

Your friend has behaved very well keeping both sides separate I think, and only said you'd heard a rumour

Chinafoot

justmy2cents wrote: »

I had confided in my closest friend for 3 years that I was concerned about a new family moving into the area. I knew her family and friends from where we used to live and had gotten the impression she might be a snob. I could tell when the family moved in this new girl was wondering what my husband and I thought of them.

She might be a snob? So you basically had absolutely no idea what this woman was like at all but decided she was a snob. Based on what exactly?

justmy2cents wrote: »

Well this new family immediately befriended our closest friends and apparently they do things all the time together.

Whats wrong with that? Are your closest friends not allowed have other friends? Or only ones you approve of?

justmy2cents wrote: »

My friend still tried to be friends with me but has kept both friendships completely separate and has avoided discussing anything or really talking about how good of friends they have become this summer.

Why should she? It sounds like you made your feelings about this woman very clear to your friend so it sounds like your friend is doing the sensible thing in keeping you out of it. If she was talking about how nice this woman is and how much fun they have together would that not irritate you more?

justmy2cents wrote: »

To add to the irritation I run into this new girl when we take our sons to preschool. I have tried to be friendly but have noticed a weird vibe from the her end. Kind of like she would like to avoid me.

If you come across even a fraction in person as you do in this post then I can't say I blame her for wanting to avoid you. You sound utterly resentful of this woman and it seems to be completely baseless. People can be quite good at picking up on bad feeling from others. Perhaps you're not hiding your disdain very well when you see her.

justmy2cents wrote: »

I decided to call up my friend today and ask her if there was any reason this girl (her new bff) might have an issue or had said anything. Apparently this new girl asked my friend if we had said anything about them. My close friend told her that I said I had heard that their family had a reputation for being snobs/snooty but I hadn't said anything bad.. OK so isn't that wrong? Shouldn't she had said "no she knew your friends and family but didn't know you personally." shouldn't loyalty for a 3 year friendship take priority over a 2 month one???

Wow.

I don't see how your friend did anything wrong to be honest. She said you didn't say anything bad and she has kept her friendship with this other woman entirely separate from yours.

If you are completely honest with yourself this is a very basic case of the green-eyed monster. You come across as incredibly jealous. You have a problem with this woman from the start, then you expect your friend to dislike her because you do and now that your friend has looked beyond your nasty gossip and got to know this woman you can't handle it.

I'm assuming you left the playground a long time ago OP. Perhaps you should leave that mentality there too.

LegacyUser

Fair enough there is definitely some jealousy. Been working to get over that. The one person I expressed my feelings too was my closest friend before this person even arrived. Did not tell anyone else and there were plenty of other friends I could have. Once this woman arrived I have been very friendly and trying to give the benefit of the doubt. It just would have been nice for my friend to say "hey so what do you think? She seems really nice give her a shot." I had even told my friend when she moved in that she was really friendly and I wasn't so worried anymore. For some reason this new woman thinks my husband dislikes her husband as well which is unfounded. They think her husbands job and mine are competing. All this new womans words and this never came from us. My friend and I used to talk about everything and have all the same mutual friends so if we did things with other people it was never intentional with a purpose to it. Now I feel like a wedge has been created. Just not sure how to handle it all. It wasn't all just idle gossip that I heard. knew her family personally and everyone she ran with. To be completely honest there have been several snotty comments she has made about others she knew etc.. since arriving but I have still been open to getting to know her on a personal level. We share all the same friends now so I don't want awkwardness.

Chinafoot

justmy2cents wrote: »

It just would have been nice for my friend to say "hey so what do you think? She seems really nice give her a shot." I had even told my friend when she moved in that she was really friendly and I wasn't so worried anymore.

Firstly, I'm baffled at why you were "worried" at all. You don't have to have anything to do with this woman.

Secondly, why should your friend have to cajole you into being nice to this person? You're an adult. You decided that this woman was a snob and you told your friend that was how you felt. Your friend decided to give her a chance and she likes her.

justmy2cents wrote: »

For some reason this new woman thinks my husband dislikes her husband as well which is unfounded. They think her husbands job and mine are competing. All this new womans words and this never came from us.

This is just pettiness on all sides. Why don't all parties start acting like adults and have an actual conversation?

justmy2cents wrote: »

My friend and I used to talk about everything and have all the same mutual friends so if we did things with other people it was never intentional with a purpose to it.

Well sometimes people expand their social circles. I have lots of friends that don't know each other, I'd imagine most people are the same. There's nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean I think less of some friends and more of others.

justmy2cents wrote: »

Now I feel like a wedge has been created. Just not sure how to handle it all. It wasn't all just idle gossip that I heard. knew her family personally and everyone she ran with.

But you didn't know her. You made a judgement based on other people without giving her a chance.

justmy2cents wrote: »

To be completely honest there have been several snotty comments she has made about others she knew etc.. since arriving but I have still been open to getting to know her on a personal level. We share all the same friends now so I don't want awkwardness.

How open have you been? Have you spoken to this woman at all? Maybe suggested going for coffee? Have you even told your close friend that you are open to getting to know her and that perhaps you should go out for the lunch, the three of you? Why don't you invite her and her husband around for a few "welcome to the area" drinks?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies even the harsh ones. The reason I was worried is because a while ago this new woman's sister in law who I was kind of friends with used to talk about her a lot and be annoyed with her. She was also friends with a bunch of girls in a clique that I knew personally before I left. The kind of girls that were nice to your face and pretended to be friends but were very passive aggressive and just fake to people's faces. So you know the saying "birds of a feather flock together." Having been burned by living there in that environment I am just more careful with who I go out of my way to befriend and associate with. Apparently this new couple was wondering and maybe worried what we thought of them the whole time too. I guess I was just waiting to see if something naturally developed and if I thought she liked us before trying to get closer to them. I like the advice though that is something to definitely think about and I have been trying to bridge the gap myself but have been letting my insecurities get the best of myself.

King of Kings

sunflower27 wrote: »

Your friend had nothing to gain from telling this woman you said she was a snob. What a bitchy thing to do. Of course this new woman is going to be a bit peeved with you.

It sounds as if she said it so that she could keep this 'snob' to herself as her new friend and the fact she has not really included you and tried to keep you separate confirms that.

Two of my friends fell out recently - they were friends well before I met either of them - and I have done my damdest to get them back on talking terms (which they now are).

OP, it sounds like your friend is enjoying this rift on some level as it keeps her as the 'popular' one. Pathetic.

Why not say something to this new woman about what you said. You can apologise and see how things go. Perhaps that is all she wants to hear?

I'm surprised that anybody came to a different conclusion than sunflower27 - it doesn't matter what you said about the new family - your friend (so called friend to be frank) had no business repeating what you said to her.
It was a nasty thing to do.