Lack of sex in relationship

LegacyUser

Hi

I am currently in a relationship with an amazing woman for about the past 4 months, we are both in our early 20s. The first time we had sex was about a month and a half ago, it was our first time together, she is not on the pill or any other contraceptive and never has been, I do not have a problem with this. On this event we had an accident and she had to get the MAP. I mentioned the pill to her as I said it would be better than dosing herself up on the MAP again, I cant imagine that's good for you. She considered it, but now flat out refuses to go on any form of contraceptive or discuss the issue, I don't have a problem with this its her choice, but my problem is she also refuses to have sex in case anything happens again. I like my sex, as do most people and besides actual sex she is well looked after in the mean time but she does not go near me, I find the lack of sex frustrating, I do not want to bring up the issue too much and make her feel she has to have sex with me, but I don't know what to do, it is important to me. Any help would be appreciated on the matter.

Neyite

Why does she have to go on any contraceptive? Why cant you use condoms?

If she is going to make a decision that changes the goalposts in a relationship she should explain why. If sex is permanently off the table irrespective of contraception then she needs to say so.

You both need to talk to each other.

LegacyUser

I have no problem with condoms, but she is refusing to have sex because she is afraid it will happen again and she could end up pregnant, but yet she wont go on any form of contraceptive to put her mind at ease and wont have sex, so I'm at a loss as to what to do. She hasn't said its totally off the table, but refuses it when it gets to that stage. She wont talk much about the issue either

Miss Fluff

Agree with Neyite. Why are you leaving contraception entirely up to her? If you want to have sex with her then you both need to agree on the kind of contraception you use and if you're expecting her to use hormonal contraception then you should at least give some consideration to using condoms if she is so against the pill.

That's if she even wants to have sex with you in the first place. What exactly is she expecting to happen if she won't discuss this? You need to sort this out asap. Making do with a sexless relationship makes you nothing more than friends really.

LegacyUser

Sorry I think my OP may have been misunderstood. I have no problem using condoms, but she is now afraid of them and I thought the pill or similar would put her mind at ease as it would be an extra barrier, but she is refusing to have sex as we are or to go on the pill or anything else. I have no problem with condoms and I would use them in conjunction with the pill, I like to be as safe as possible. I am not forcing her to do anything, but I feel if she was on the pill she would feel safe if something happened and we could continue our sex life, this is my only reason I am happy without the pill if she was willing to continue having sex. I was just looking to know how I should approach this as it is really starting to get to me and it will probably start to show eventually.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

I like my sex, as do most people and besides actual sex she is well looked after in the mean time but she does not go near me

I'm taking that to mean you bring her to orgasm and yet she won't even go near you? Not orally or by hand even?

If that's the case I'd be withdrawing ALL lovin' and making an appointment TOGETHER asap at your nearest family planning clinic where they can go through an extensive list of options with you.

I'm not one for ultimatums normally but if she won't do this then it means she is not willing to have a sexual relationship with you which is unfair and unreasonable. Nobody in a healthy loving relationship should have to go without sex.

LegacyUser

male perspective here....she has every right to make decisions about her own body, decide whether she wants to take an oral contraceptive or not, risk pregnancy or not and refuse sex in order to prevent pregnancy.
You have every right to decide who you want to date and who you are compatible with. It sounds like you two have a BIG issue to discuss and rather than staying quiet and putting up with this you'll need to address it with her even if it becomes a deal breaker and you separate. My advice here is don't persuade her to engage in sex without proper contraceptives because it's obvious your girlfriend has a fear of pregnancy and after 4 months into a relationship it doesn't sound as if you come anywhere near the stage where you'd be willing to support her and a child if the worst case scenario happened.

aidan24326

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Agree with Neyite. Why are you leaving contraception entirely up to her?

Neyite wrote: »

Why does she have to go on any contraceptive? Why cant you use condoms?

captain_torskini_of_albania_i_presume wrote: »

male perspective here....she has every right to make decisions about her own body.

Didn't any of you actually read the Op's posts????
He said quite clearly that he respected her decision not to go on the pill and has no problem with using condoms.


Since she won't have sex at all even with a condom, the logical solution would have been her to go on some form of contraceptive (pill or whatever) to put her own mind at ease, and remove the anxiety.
If she won't do this, and won't trust condoms either, then she can't expect to be in a sexual relationship, and maybe isn't ready for one either.

SheFiend

captain_torskini_of_albania_i_presume wrote: »

male perspective here....she has every right to make decisions about her own body, You have every right to decide who you want to date and who you are compatible with.

I totally agree with this. You best bring up this subject with her again, and explain how you feel. Perhaps she will come around, and decide to use contraception. Then again she may not, in which case it's your decision to either stay in the relationship, whereby you accept the no-sex rule, or you move on.

All the best!

LegacyUser

OP, it is possible that there's more to this ie, pills haven't agreed with her in the past, she could have some female problems going on etc and might not want to discuss it as your only together 4 months. The pill can wreak pure havoc with your body, hormones, emotions etc, amazes me the way people seem to forget this. What if it makes her pile on weight, will you be starting another one of those "My gfs got fat" threads that crop up here the whole time. Ease off on the pressure, just tell her if she'd like to look into other methods, aswell as condoms, you'd be interested in that.

Neyite

aidan24326 wrote: »

Didn't any of you actually read the Op's posts????
He said quite clearly that he respected her decision not to go on the pill and has no problem with using condoms.

Look at the order of the posts please - I replied to his first post and nowhere does it mention him using contraception, only her - the pill and the Morning After Pill.

Then the OP clarified his position and I thanked his post indicating that I read it. It also means that my first sentence was clarified and really only my second paragraph remains applicable.

dearg lady

You'll need to talk to her, I know you say she's refusing, but you'll have to insist on it. Don't bring up the conversation in bed, do it on neutral ground.
There's a couple of issues at play here, first your sex life, you need to know will she consider sex ever, you both need to go through all the contraception options and decide together what suits both of you. She needs to feel reassured but a decision to never have sex with you is quite extreme.

Secondly, you say she won't return the favour even when you're fooling around, this would really bother me, I've had difficulty with sex in the past but always made sure I satisfied my man in other ways. Usually both partners want to please each other, and enjoy it. I wouldn't normally suggest this, but yes, I would stop pleasuring her for the moment and again, insist on talking about the issue and find out for definite where she stands.

Tbh, if there's no sexual activity between you guys at all, it is just s friendship.

baby and crumble

aidan24326 wrote: »

If she won't do this, and won't trust condoms either, then she can't expect to be in a sexual relationship, and maybe isn't ready for one either.

This. If she's so freaked out about sex and simply refuses to engage in sex, or to look into ways around her issue then the relationship is doomed.

There is the possibility that she's freaked out about something other than getting pregnant, but either way you need to have a frank adult conversation. No one should be forced or co-erced into having sex, but neither should someone else be forced not to have sex, and then be brandished a bastard for not being happy about it. There's 2 people in every relationship, both of whom have the right to feel safe and loved and desired. The woman in this scenario seems very selfish tbh.

trio

To be clear, you have only had sex once?

And she is telling you she will never have sex with you again? Or is she saying "for the moment"? Or what?

Just want to get my head around this.

Certainly if she is proposing a sexless relationship, then you have every right to propose she goes and finds someone who also wants a sexless relationship.

To be honest, it sounds distinctly like she's using the MAP as an excuse to avoid penetrative sex. I'm sure she was freaked out when she had to use have the MAP (I've had to get it a couple of times in the past, and believe me, it ain't fun waiting until your period arrives - very stressful experience) BUT her proposal to close the door on sex entirely is extremely unusual, and is ringing alarm bells for me.

Red flags all over the place, tbh. And after just 4 months? Serious red flags.

Pearlring

I'm going to answer this from the kinda been there wore the tshirt side - as in i didnt want to take any form of contraception.

I had the whole accident thing aswell a good few years back when i was with my first boyfriend. We'd been together a while [4months] before we had sex and to be honest with you i was absolutely terrified when he told me the condom split. I went straight for the morning after pill. and while there i got the lovely Black and White Guide to Contraception off the doctor. went home read it on my own looked up stuff online and read sssooooooo many off putting things about pills and coils and the lot. I was convienced id get all the side effects i.e. headaches, mood swings, weight gain [biggest fear! as im big enough as it is] and then the lovely part where no contraceptive is 100% effective!
Long story short after a long chat with himself and another apt with my doctor - while dragging himself along - and learning more about it i began on the pill - took a long time to get the right one but TG all is going grand with the pill now.

Sit down and talk to her, you dont know what is bothering her about it so just be open and say your worried.

Wompa1

I'll be the only one to say this I bet, but you are young is what I'm guessing form these posts. Maybe you should cut your losses with her and move on? I spent 2 years in a relationship with close to no sex. I wasted 2 years of the prime of my sexual life for somebody who definitely wasn't worth it. Just a thought

lace

Hi OP!

It sounds like your girlfriend isn't ready for a sexual relationship. The fact that she's flat out refusing to discuss the issue would be raising red flags for me.

It's only four months into the relationship so if she's particularly young or inexperienced maybe she just needs some more time and support. If she's refusing to have sex and isn't interested in you at all (in a sexual sense) then how long are you prepared to wait?

You really need to get her to talk about it. I know this can be difficult but explain to her that you feel it's important that you two at least discuss all the options.

Pregnancy is a really terrifying prospect for many women so try to be as understanding as you can when approaching the subject. It could be that she is completely paranoid and extremely anxious about the whole issue. If this is the case then refusing to talk about the issue may be her way of avoiding the crushing anxiety and panic some women experience when they worry about pregnancy. Try to get her to open up and be as gentle and subtle as possible.

No matter how irrational it may seem to you she may have convinced herself that no form of contraception is going to work and that abstainance is the only way to go. If this is the case then pushing facts on her won't work as the fear of being in the teeeeeeeny tiiiiiny minority of people for whom contraception fails will override any statistics you produce.

Try to talk explain to her that although you want to do as much as you can to prevent a pregnancy you're not prepared to be in a relationship where abstainance is the only option. If the failure rate is her only issue then she could (in theory) go on a hormonal contraceptive, use a diaphragm and spermicidal lubricant and a condom and also monitor her fertility (though ovulation wouldn't happen on a hormonal contraceptive) and abstain on fertile days. Very extreme, very expensive and not really very plausible though :P

If anxiety or fear relating to the whole issue of sex and pregnancy is the problem then suggest she speaks to her GP or another professional. If you feel she's not making any effort to get your sex life together on track then maybe consider moving on and finding someone with whom you can have a fulfilling sexual relationship.