Weird feelings

LegacyUser

Hi

So this isnt that big of an issue, but its a bit of a confusing time for me. I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend after I discovered he had cheated on me. It has been about 6 or 7 months and I recently met someone new. I have been on a few dates with this new man and he's saying and doing everything right. I'm attracted to him, he's a sweetheart, he is showing interest without being too clingy. But I keep finding myself stressing out about it, wondering what the point is and basically looking for reasons to walk away from him.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in this situation before. I know being cheated on can throw up a lot of issues with trust and self-esteem and I'm just wondering if this may be what is affecting me at the moment. I feel ready to date and I feel over my ex at this point. Am I just scared of getting hurt again and therefore trying to sabotage things before they even begin? And if thats the case, what can I do to not be like that. Please don't tell me to relax, I'm trying to do that but I can't seem to shake this feeling of apprehension...?

Any advice would be appreciated.

SheFiend

alilperspectiveplease wrote: »

I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend after I discovered he had cheated on me. It has been about 6 or 7 months and I recently met someone new......

Am I just scared of getting hurt again and therefore trying to sabotage things before they even begin? And if thats the case, what can I do to not be like that.

How long was the long-term relationship? Perhaps you are so fresh from a long relationship that you may be viewing the new guy as a potential long-term relationship candidate, when in fact you should try to see him for what he is: be it a guy you like to spend time with, date occasionally, etc.
Of course I am guessing, going on what strikes me from reading your post.
What really stand out is your own opinion on what may be the cause; scared of getting hurt and trying to sabotage. Well you know your mind better than anyone, so I'd bet this is true. What you can change is how you view this new relationship. Assure yourself that you will take it slow, and also give yourself plenty of free time to do things by yourself, or with friends. Don't tie yourself down or commit straight away. Enjoy being free, and enjoy the new guy's company too, when it suits you.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years a year ago because he cheated on me. It was only once, and (don't shoot me here please, I know him as well as I know myself) but he honestly was a really, really good guy apart from that one mistake. I think that made it all the more difficult - if I couldn't trust this absolutely amazing guy, clearly I couldn't trust anyone.

The next guy I dated was really lovely aswell, but I was literally on edge the whole three months just almost <i>waiting</i> for him to cheat on me. In the end I was stressing out to much and broke it off with him. I explained myself, and in fairness to him he completely understood.

Just take some time to sort your head out. At the end of the day, there's nothing you can do to stop yourself worrying that you might get hurt again - honestly, you just have to take a chance.

LegacyUser

Kind of hard to answer this one without lapsing into "not all guys are like that"-style platitudes, which I'm sure aren't what you're looking for, OP.

I think you've just got to set boundaries, really. Be clear in your mind (and to your partner) that you're still vulnerable from what happened before, and that you don't want to build up your relationship with this new man just yet. Does the guy you're dating know about the past relationship? Assuming he does, I'm sure he'll understand how undermining it can be to be cheated on.

Keep at it, though, if it makes you happy. There are so many women who take cheating very personally; it destroys their self-esteem, and makes them cynical about all relationships. You deserve credit for seeing past that and taking a chance on someone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Shefiend it was a 4 year relationship, and my first serious relationship really. Yeah I guess I may be putting too much pressure on myself at the moment. I'm not sure I'm looking for another serious relationship, in fact I don't think I am. But I'm scared this guy will turn out to be a player or something. I keep finding myself pushing him away so maybe I'm not ready to date?

unreg1234 my situation sounds very similar to yours, my ex was also a great guy who I believe didnt do it more than once, unfortunately once was enough to wreck it. I just don't know how I'm going to let my guard down like that again. Is it somethin I need to work at or is it just a matter of time?