Feel torn and no one to talk to

LegacyUser

I never post her but I feel like i have no one to talk to today and i just need to get a few things off my chest.
I started going out with someone only about 2 months ago. He told me after about a week that some his older brothers had been in trouble years ago, wil drugs, with the guards, fairly major, but that he was never involved. He doesn't talk to his brothers or associate with them at all now but he has been tarnished with the same bad name where he is from. I don't judge people and like him for who is so we kept seeing each other.
My mum only found out over the weekend about his family through relations of mine who are from the same town as him. She spoke to me yesterday about how worried she is about me. She doesn't want me to be mixed up in any way with his family. Mainly because she's worried that some time down the line if his brothers are in trouble with drug gangs that I could get involved by being so closely linked to the family.
I understand this but at the same time I have met someone who I care for really deeply and I don't see how I can walk away now. I have been years wondering if I would ever find someone i could connect so well with as we do. I have spoke to him but obviously that horrible, its saying my family judge him even though they've barely met him. I don't want to talk to my friends about it, there's no reason why they should know either his family problems or mine. If we do manage to work it out I would prefer if they didn't know incase they judged him too. I would like to think they wouldn't but I can't say for definite that they won't.
I know I have 2 choices... stay with him and try turn my family. However I know that that worry will never leave my mam as long as he is from such a family and it is breaking my heart knowing that I am the cause of that, and I am the only one who could make it go away by ending the relationship.
The other is the one I want to make... stay with him, I care for him so much and I can't remember the last time I was as happy as he has made me over the last couple of months. But i don't want to choose him over my family, or my family over him.... I want to have both and I would only have both if they are happy....
Is there any other choice....anyone been in a similar situation, any advice?

Sorry for such a long post!!

gmac102

very sad today wrote: »

I never post her but I feel like i have no one to talk to today and i just need to get a few things off my chest.
I started going out with someone only about 2 months ago. He told me after about a week that some his older brothers had been in trouble years ago, wil drugs, with the guards, fairly major, but that he was never involved. He doesn't talk to his brothers or associate with them at all now but he has been tarnished with the same bad name where he is from. I don't judge people and like him for who is so we kept seeing each other.
My mum only found out over the weekend about his family through relations of mine who are from the same town as him. She spoke to me yesterday about how worried she is about me. She doesn't want me to be mixed up in any way with his family. Mainly because she's worried that some time down the line if his brothers are in trouble with drug gangs that I could get involved by being so closely linked to the family.
I understand this but at the same time I have met someone who I care for really deeply and I don't see how I can walk away now. I have been years wondering if I would ever find someone i could connect so well with as we do. I have spoke to him but obviously that horrible, its saying my family judge him even though they've barely met him. I don't want to talk to my friends about it, there's no reason why they should know either his family problems or mine. If we do manage to work it out I would prefer if they didn't know incase they judged him too. I would like to think they wouldn't but I can't say for definite that they won't.
I know I have 2 choices... stay with him and try turn my family. However I know that that worry will never leave my mam as long as he is from such a family and it is breaking my heart knowing that I am the cause of that, and I am the only one who could make it go away by ending the relationship.
The other is the one I want to make... stay with him, I care for him so much and I can't remember the last time I was as happy as he has made me over the last couple of months. But i don't want to choose him over my family, or my family over him.... I want to have both and I would only have both if they are happy....
Is there any other choice....anyone been in a similar situation, any advice?

Sorry for such a long post!!

i married a man whos family disliked me and i them, same with my family didnt like him and he didnt like them... we are getting a divorce, im not saying that is the reason but it doesnt help! i would suggest you walk away from him because family is more important, im just basing my opinion on my experience. go with your gut

I am a friend

Well I am the opposite, I would alwaay take on board what my family say because they have my best interests at heart and also are not looking at him / the situation through rose coloured glasses.

Will you really have any peace if you are constantly battling between the two parties?

Miss Fluff

very sad today wrote: »

I understand this but at the same time I have met someone who I care for really deeply and I don't see how I can walk away now.

I think this would have more resonance if you'd been together a bit longer but at two months it is still very early days and you can still walk away. Yes it will be very painful but you can still do it.

I feel really sorry for you because I think you're in a terrible old predicament. Your BF is not involved in any of this (you presume) and yet by his blood-ties he won't ever really be able to extricate himself either.

Personally, I'm from a very loving and tight-knit family so I'd find it so difficult if they didn't approve of my OH, it would leave me in a terrible position. As I am a Friend says, they do have your very best interests at heart so you do need to take that on board.

Also, the fact you can't discuss this with your friends may be a taste of what is to come if you stay with this man. What if his brothers end up charged with a gangland murder for example, what lengths will you go to to cover it up out of embarrassment at being involved (albeit vicariously) with such a family? Doesn't it already speak volumes that you're already not in a position to discuss it with your friends?

I think however if you do really feel that you're on to a good thing and that it could potentially go the distance then in order for it to be a success you may have to leave the country entirely and make a fresh start. That may sound dramatic but if you don't want to be involved with this family in any fashion then that's your only option. That would also mean loving away from your family.

It's a tough one to call hon. At the two-months stage you are still very much infatuated and have the rose-tinted glasses on full so I'm not so sure you're in a position to make a very sensible decision. More often than not Mum does know best, whether we like to admit it or not....

curlzy

Hey OP,

What a conundrum! First of all, not all parents have their kids best interests at heart, in fact I found surprisingly few do, most have their own interests at heart i.e. the family name etc. But I do believe you that you think your mum would worry. If I were you I would talk about it to my bf. Tell him what's going on and would he consider coming and getting to know your family so that they can see he's a good man. I really would not put your families feelings above your own. Love is rare, if you've come across someone that is special it's worth it to give it a go. I have a friend who gave up the love of her life for her family who felt he "wasn't good enough for her". He's now happily married to someone else and she's married to a total wanker that is having affairs left, right and centre, but that's ok because he has an excellent job, car :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:. So yeah while it's good to consider your family's feelings don't put them above your own!

Best of luck.

SheFiend

OP, I can see you have a crush on this guy, you must do to say that you would sacrifice your relationship with friends and family to have a relationship with someone you've been seing for only two months.
But how happy will you be if you cannot be honest with your friends about him?
At only two months in, if I was unhappy enough to be posting here looking for advice, that would be my signal to end it already.
But then if this is your first love, it will be harder for you to do.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I am the same as your boyfriend. My family are bad, the name I have is tarnished because of my brother. I was judged by teachers, who thought I would amount to nothing like my brother and family. Friends parents would blame me for their children being out of control, and would ban their kids from associating with me. Boyf's parents would look down at me and feel sorry for me mostly. Throughout my teens I would be judged by so many people that it just made me more determined to make something of myself. I didnt distance myself from my family, because despite everything, they are my family, but I made sure that I did the best I could do for myself. People still make judgments, but I take that as ignorance, and brush it off.

When I met my boyfriend, I was afraid to tell him about my family and he was afraid to meet them. He comes from a wonderful family that are well respected and admired in the community. I didnt know this at the time of meeting my boyf, but I could tell straight away that he must have been brought up right. He told his family that he had met a girl and he couldn't wait to introduce me to them. He left out the fact of who I was, and when I met them they judged me on me and not who my family were. Im sure they had their doubts about me when they found out, but I was open and honest to them and if they wanted to know something I would tell them (obviously I didnt need to do this, because its none of their business really) but I wanted to prove that my family are their own people, we should not be judged as a whole.

When my boyfriend met my family, he spent 10 mins with them before being completely freaked out. My family like him and think he's great for me. But my mum worries that he might leave me for someone better, and tells me often. Its been 9 years but she still worries that Im going to fk it up and end up with a guy more on their level.

All I'm trying to say here is that familys worry, about all different things. But if he is treating you right and makes you feel great and happy then it should not matter who or where he comes from. If they are worried that he will get you mixed up in things or he will get himself mixed up, then you and your boyfriend will need to keep the communication open and make sure that this does not happen. If he does get involved, you then need to walk away.

But you cant live your life in fear of things that may or may not happen along the way. You could be going out with a guy from a well respected family, your parents not worry, and then he could turn out to be a complete loony bin. You just never know what is going to happen.

I cant change where Im from and I dont like having to defend myself to people who think they have a right to say something about my family, or me, and I do feel terrible that my boyfriend has to put up with comments, and I'm not sure if his family do, but if they do, then I hate that I'm the cause of it. And I'm glad that his family have accepted me and made it alot easier for my boyfriend and I. Because I know loads of friends who's family were the cause of their break ups with perfect guys and wishing that they had just told their family to butt out.

LegacyUser

The Op here.
I would just like to thank you all for your opinions and thoughts. I have spoke both to my parents and to my boyfriend and I am going to give it a go, its lovely to be happy with someone, no matter what their background.
My parents have accepted that I am going to continue to make my own decisions as I always have done and go with what makes me happiest. My boyfriend tells me although he is hurt it is not the first time the happens and like the last poster, he just wants to prove to my parents that he will treat me right and show them that he is the person I want to be with in spite of the possible difficulties with his family ties.

So thanks again, It is good to get different perspectives to help me look at the situation without the rose tinted glasses!