What would you do?

LegacyUser

Ok to make a very long story short so as not to bore everyone!

I have a very close friend, she's always been very into guys she's one of those people who's happiness is based on whether she has a guy after her or not. She's very pretty so she gets a lot of guys attention. She's always been like this but in the past couple of years she has been getting worse and worse. She has a different guy on the go every few weeks or more than one at the same time usually just texting or kissing them. It's been annoying me for ages but when I tell her she has to change and is getting a name for herself she swears she will then doesn't.

Recently she's started having sex (sometimes unprotected) with a lot of guys. When she had sex with people it was usually with really inappropriate guys but it was fairly spaced out. In the last few weeks she's had sex with a stupid number of guys while texting and meeting up with other guys at the same time. It's not really my business so I just try and advise her that she is being very silly and try and convince her to cool it off with lads but she doesn't listen.

Recently I found out she had sex with another close friend of mines ex boyfriend who had only just ended. I'd known she'd stayed in his house but she swore blind they only kissed once and she had stayed as they had bumped into each other when out etc etc basically made up a really good story of how and why she ended up there. I knew she thought this guy was good looking so I originally did not believe her saying nothing happened but she was so convincing and promised the sun moon and stars that she didn't. I eventually believed her and defended her to everyone who was saying she did including the girl who's ex it was. That was all last week and it had just blown over that she kissed him. Then I find out from a friend of the guy that her whole story was a lie and they did have sex.

I tried to call her to confront her but she realised that I knew and is now ignoring me. I just can't believe she would lie to me in so much detail let alone have sex with him. She even had the nerve to get annoyed at the ex girlfriend because "it was only a kiss".

What do I do now? I hate fighting with people. I just feel so stupid. What would you do if a very close friend had no problem lying straight to your face with such detail and knowing you were defending them but still didn't even tell you the truth.

I'm not even sure how much sense the above makes! Sorry for the rant.

Taltos

Can I ask - why bother being friends with her?
Sounds like she has no good attributes and brings nothing to the friendship but a tarnished name and a wake of destruction behind her.

Monife

I once had a friend like this OP.

The last straw was when she seduced a very good friend (and a very good friend of hers) boyfriend, while said friend was in hospital.

I had one major blow out with her and then cut all ties completely. It was a very hard thing to do as we were very close and usually I very easily forgive and forget, and let people back in. But I stood my ground on this one and 3 years on, I still do not talk to her.

You have to decide is this a friend worth having? Are you the only one bringing anything to the friendship? You could give her an ultimatum and say that you are not happy with the way she is hurting people and lying to you. If this doesnt work, then I think your only option is to cut the cord.

LegacyUser

She does seem like she'll do anything for attention she's just one of those people.

I've had several people ask me why we are friends but we have been friends for so long it's hard to just stop. When we are together we have a great laugh and until recently this cancelled everything else out.

She's always had boyfriends and I never used to. I am in my first actual serious relationship and all she does is give out that now I don't see her enough. I tried to explain it's not him that makes me not want to see her as much it's the way she's been acting but in her head she is never in the wrong.

I still can't get over how deeply she lied to me. Do I just sit back now and wait for her to contact me and apologise?

Thanks for the advise guys.

Neyite

She wont apologise. Anyone who lies that convincingly to everyone has also convinced themselves that their version is what took place. I wouldnt wait around for that apology if I were you.

Its insecurity and low self esteem on her part, it would be different if she is comfortable and content in her sexuality but really it smacks of someone who is using sex to obtain the affection they crave. She gets a boost at the attention men give her, but her actions will take her further and further away from what she really wants -to be loved and to be respected. I dont think that you can change a person like this, counselling would help.

Mighty_Mouse

Why is it anybodys business who she sleeps with?

analucija

sunflower27 wrote: »

It isn't. The OP is worrried about her getting a reputation and having unprotectd sex.

The unprotected sex is a problem but everything else isn't. She slept with someone else's ex. I think she had a good reason to keep it away from her and I think that's why she lied. Try to be a bit less judgmental. If you don't like her lifestyle, then stay away from her but not everybody wants committed relationship with one person. I would tell her to cop on regarding unprotected sex though. That's just plain stupid.

LegacyUser

It's not that I want to tell her who she can and can't sleep with. It's that she didn't just lie and say no we didn't. She made up this big complicated story and lied straight to my face.
I would have forgiven her if she'd told the truth. Even though the guy had literally just broke up with our mutual friend and she was still upset about it I still wouldn't have made too big of a deal out of it because it's between her, the guy and the mutual friend.

Then when I take her up on her lies, she doesn't even have the decency to get back to me. She's probably sitting at home feeling sorry for herself because she was caught.

Should I contact her again and just forget about all this?

thefeatheredcat

HI OP,

Is this the first time she has lied to you overall during your friendship, or have you caught her out before at lying?

You've been an incredibly loyal friend to this girl.... You need to put yourself as priority number 1 here.

For you, the sexual behaviour there's nothing you can do, so separate that from the equation altogether. If you stay friends with her, and if you think she is in serious danger to herself then by all means point her in the direction of help if she asks for it, if she should realise she's unhappy with her behaviour. The only real risk to you is through association and by being loyal to her as a friend and standing up for her to others that your reputation might get tarnished along the way and that you will lose friendships that may not be easily regained. She will eventually have to face up to taking responsibility for her actions and behaviour.

The trouble with people who lie is that eventually it erodes whatever trust there is to the point you second guess whether they are telling the truth or not, or if they lie enough it would be taken for granted that everything they say is a lie. I've experienced that with a close sibling, and I've seen how it hurts others... tolerable to a degree within family, but friendships imo for me I wouldn't tolerate.

What would I do? If this is the first time you have caught her on a lie/or has lied to you, bring it all out into the open as to why she lied, talk it over in person and work from there, talk about your friendship, but not before you have a think on it. I'd take into consideration whether or not I'd want a friend who would blatantly lie to me in the face and I'd be quick enough to see the light in realising I deserve better than that in friendships...

If not the first time, well, I would value myself as a person and myself as a friend even more to deserve to have honesty in a friendship, if they can't be honest, well, then I would end the friendship tbh.

If she won't talk with you, then there's little you can do... except put yourself first as the main priority in your life.

LegacyUser

Maybe she didn't lie about that situation. So you heard from a friend of the guy that her and that guy had slept together, you didn't actually hear it from the guy himself, and your friend swears that she didn't sleep with him.

If she has such a reputation already built, has it occurred to you that the guy might have lied to his friend bragging that he got the ride when he actually didn't? Some lads (and girls) do sometimes lie about their sexual conquests to show off, and if your friend already has a reputation, it would be an easy and believable lie to make to his friends.

Maybe she's ignoring you because she's hurt that you don't believe her version over this guy's friend.

On the other hand she might have, but is just too embarrassed or scared to tell the truth for fear of everybody falling out with her over it.
If this is the case then maybe give her one last chance, or else end the friendship if you feel that you just can't trust her again.

Mighty_Mouse

It isn't. The OP is worrried about her getting a reputation and having unprotectd sex.

Surely thats a contradiction of some sort?
I can't understand ever giving a flying f of how often mates are getting laid.
I can't imagine anyone I know taking to kindly to been told how they should run their sex life?
Surely its a matter of a quite word of advice on the std front & sin é?
If she ends up with burney pee or a rash then at least ya get to say "told ya so"! What more can you do?

Then I find out from a friend of the guy that her whole story was a lie and they did have sex.

What guys say happened in private can be bs.
Are you certain she slept with him.

If so she clearly knows she made an error & is trying to keep it quite.

Unless you suspect she's in emotional trouble of some sort then stay well out of it.

LegacyUser

I am absolutely 100 percent sure she did sleep with him. I didn't believe it originally then I heard it from the guy who I know pretty well, then he showed me proof on his phone in a text she sent that it happened as I kept saying it couldn't be true as I didn't think she'd lie that much.

I'm not telling her who to sleep with, this guy was extremely off limits but as I said before thats between her and those involved with that situation.

No, it's not the first time she has lied to me. However, she lies to me a lot less than other people or so I thought. She lies to people all the time. Her mother doesn't trust her as she's caught her out umpteen times. I've heard her own mother tell her that she can't even look at her because of the way she has been acting but I have always stood by her through her causing drama with everyone else.

Again, thanks for all the replies.

LegacyUser

And she did not try to deny it after I said it to her, I didn't even say it in an annoyed way I was trying to hear her side then she decides to just not reply.

And Mighty Mouse, I do not try and run her sex life. She tells me about every single one of her escapades then moans about how she wants to change but she can't etc etc and how I have to help her change because she doesn't care enough to do it herself.

Anyway, i'm not really concentrating on the sex bit, her doing that doesn't suprise me. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore as I will never trust her again. When she had sex with this last guy (the ex bf) she was about 80 percent sure she was pregnant with someone else and I even went with her to do a pregnancy test a few days later obviously before I knew she had been lying to me.

It felt good to get this out anyway, thanks. I suppose I'll just wait and see if she contacts me and sees what she has to say. I'm so tempted to text her or something again as it's been hanging over me but I think I should probably wait for her. She knows she is in the wrong so the ball is in her court.

Taltos

I may be going on a limb here - but if she is already jealous of the attention you now give your boyfriend instead of her I would be watching her very closely.
People like her feel like they have nothing left to lose but everything to gain by proving they can get whatever person they want and to hell with the fallout.

Not sure why I feel this way about what you have said, just do. Either way - you can't force her to change - you can though let her know that her behaviour is in your eyes self-destructive and you cannot be around her anymore as you care too much to see her do that to herself.

analucija

sofedup wrote: »

And she did not try to deny it after I said it to her, I didn't even say it in an annoyed way I was trying to hear her side then she decides to just not reply.

And Mighty Mouse, I do not try and run her sex life. She tells me about every single one of her escapades then moans about how she wants to change but she can't etc etc and how I have to help her change because she doesn't care enough to do it herself.

Anyway, i'm not really concentrating on the sex bit, her doing that doesn't suprise me. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore as I will never trust her again. When she had sex with this last guy (the ex bf) she was about 80 percent sure she was pregnant with someone else and I even went with her to do a pregnancy test a few days later obviously before I knew she had been lying to me.

It felt good to get this out anyway, thanks. I suppose I'll just wait and see if she contacts me and sees what she has to say. I'm so tempted to text her or something again as it's been hanging over me but I think I should probably wait for her. She knows she is in the wrong so the ball is in her court.

That girl loves drama and seems very high maintenance. However you might want to decide if you like her otherwise. One of my best friends lied that he slept with another friend. It's long story but I knew he was lying and after she confronted him everybody in our group found out. We all thought that what he has done was wrong but we also knew that he had some serious insecurities. So we forgave and forgot about it very quickly because otherwise we valued him as a friend.

I think you will have to decide how much your friendship means to you. If you still like the girl then it maybe worth telling her not to treat you as a complete idiot and let it be. But it seems to me that you are getting sick of her drama queen moments anyway. Maybe it might be just better to keep a distance for a while, maybe ignore a phone call or txt (she is ignoring yours) and just see where it takes you.

thefeatheredcat

sofedup wrote: »

No, it's not the first time she has lied to me. However, she lies to me a lot less than other people or so I thought. She lies to people all the time. Her mother doesn't trust her as she's caught her out umpteen times. I've heard her own mother tell her that she can't even look at her because of the way she has been acting but I have always stood by her through her causing drama with everyone else.

sofedup wrote: »

And she did not try to deny it after I said it to her, I didn't even say it in an annoyed way I was trying to hear her side then she decides to just not reply.

And Mighty Mouse, I do not try and run her sex life. She tells me about every single one of her escapades then moans about how she wants to change but she can't etc etc and how I have to help her change because she doesn't care enough to do it herself.

Anyway, i'm not really concentrating on the sex bit, her doing that doesn't suprise me. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore as I will never trust her again. When she had sex with this last guy (the ex bf) she was about 80 percent sure she was pregnant with someone else and I even went with her to do a pregnancy test a few days later obviously before I knew she had been lying to me.

It felt good to get this out anyway, thanks. I suppose I'll just wait and see if she contacts me and sees what she has to say. I'm so tempted to text her or something again as it's been hanging over me but I think I should probably wait for her. She knows she is in the wrong so the ball is in her court.

OP I think you have give yourself your answer.... It sounds more like you have been her crutch and the only person who has stood by her/defended her. It's fantastic of you to stand by her, but if she's the one creating the drama, why are you dealing with it and not letting her deal with it herself? You may be loyal to her but eventually some of the mess she's making is going to be stuck on you...

I think realistically you need to draw a line somewhere on this friendship. You can only support and defend someone for so long, until you feel you cannot. Given that she is in the wrong and that she blatantly lied to you, I think that's a new low for her in relation to you.... and I think an opportunity for you to consider ending the friendship and see it what it is and what your role is. She needs to wake up and realise that she is destroying things around her and needs to care about that. You're not responsible for her life or her actions, she is, and she has to start to see that.

I think the best for you is put a lot of distance between ye - a big blow up will just fuel the drama side of it all and is probably expecting a blow up with you. Get on with having a happy peaceful life for yourself with your boyfriend and friends and enjoy it, rather than getting caught up in the drama of her life that she creates and makes you a part of. Put yourself first.

LegacyUser

I'm really glad I posted this tread, I'm getting such good advice and it's great to get a point of view from people who don't know the person or the situation. My other friends are basically saying f**k her, don't ever talk to her again oh but before you do that go mad at her and have a big fight. Which I don't want to do.

Taltos- are you saying she might go for my boyfriend next? Hmmm..I don't know. She's worked her way through his group of friends who are all pretty bemused by her attention seeking and flirting with all of them. My boyfriend himself has never been her biggest fan but doesn't say much as she's my friend. I don't think he is her type anyway!

thefeatheredcat- out of all the brilliant advice I have been given yours stands out to me the most. Her drama does affect me and I am sick of us eventually laughing it off. I may be using some of your points if the two of us do end up having it out! However, your exactly right about causing loads of drama by having a blow up. That is what she thinks it going to happen, big dramatic texts messages etc. It's what she is used to. I've decided thats not going to happen this time, I'm going to keep my distance and I'm refusing to have a big argument about this. My other friends will want me to, you know what girls are like with drama! But I'm just gonna enjoy my life, not waste my time arguing with her when I know she'll just feed off the attention.

I'm done with drama thanks

Taltos

sofedup wrote: »

Taltos- are you saying she might go for my boyfriend next? Hmmm..I don't know. She's worked her way through his group of friends who are all pretty bemused by her attention seeking and flirting with all of them. My boyfriend himself has never been her biggest fan but doesn't say much as she's my friend. I don't think he is her type anyway!

I've known people like this - out of spite they prove they can have any man and almost seem to thrive off the destroyed relationships they leave behind them.

Seems like you have made up your mind though - best of luck.

LegacyUser

Yeah that seems to sum her up in a nutshell.

Actions speak louder than words so I just hope I can put the distance thing into practice and not go texting her to try sort things out coz that's what she wants.