friends behaviour acceptable?

LegacyUser

hi,

I write here to get some opinions as I'm not sure how to react to a situation.

a very good friend of mine moved to australia this year in february. it was always my plan to move to oz as well and I'm now planning to fly over in october or november to visit her and actually checking out the situation, if it's possible to find work...
I wrote this to my friend a few days ago and heard nothing back til now...
It's just really annoying. Before I got mails from her, kind of whiny, she obviously has some problems to settle, telling me: good friends are missing, she's missing going out with me and another good friend, there are some nice people around but it's not the same as with old friends..
so now I decided to visit and I hear nothing.
I know her quite well, she became kind of unflexible the last time. and she's telling stuff (like she would like to have visitors) but if it's becoming reality she feels under pressure or whatever...
But she can at least tell me, that I can't stay at her place if it's what she's dreading. I'll find somewhere else to stay. But not answering at all is just not very nice.
So I don't really know how to react on this, it's very disappointing and it makes me angry.

I don't want to fall out with her, but I'm kind of afraid it might happen.
anybody any thoughts how to deal with it? thanks!

Taltos

Simply send one simple mail - no blame in it.

Hey - just wrapping up my travel details. Since I have not heard back am not sure if you are in the area anymore so I have made alternate plans. Hope to catch up soon when you are back in Ireland.

Hugs...


Who knows - maybe your friend just cannot cope with people staying with her and just avoids instead of deals with issues - making them worse of course...

ted1

How long ago was it, maybe she hasn't checked her mails.

Ickle Magoo

If you have a gmail or yahoo a/c some e-mail filters automatically chuck them in junk mail and so she might not have even seen it...do you have a telephone number or address?

John Mason

as some one who has been in oz, you are being really unfair.

she was probably homesick when she went there first, but has now settled in and made friends, so she isnt thinking of home anymore.

aus is a completely different reality, ireland does not exist in aus.

you should be happy that your friend has settled in and isnt sending any whiny emails everyday.

also, maybe she hasnt got to an internet cafe, they are usually something you do once a week, to let your parents know you are alive. they are chour that everyone hates doing.

if you are going, go, email your friend and say i am going to be here on such and such date, if you are in the area give me a shout.

LegacyUser

Have you just assumed you're going to be staying with her?
Never assume you are staying with someone until you are invited.
She probably thinks you are going to land in on top of her. Unwanted guests can be pretty draining.

If you are going over find your own accommodation.

LegacyUser

I second some of the advice above.

You are being a little unfair.

I moved to America a few years back. Now, I still keep in touch with friends at home and love comng home to visit.

But when I moved first I found it hard. I found it hard to get into things. I'd come home from work and be used to talking to family and friends but with the time difference, they would not be awake or only. Facebook even was dead when I got home, nobody online.
I used to follow all the sports at home still and it meant getting up at crazy hours in the morning to watch games online and stuff.

The thing is, it drove me nuts, I felt so alone and tried to follow all the ongoings of home but was not there and couldnt really talk to anyone in real time.
Trying to stay in line with Irish life and go to work on American time meant my body clock was totally out of whack.

In the end I had to adjust. I had to accept that I was now living here and had to adapt to life here, get new friends, live according to my timezone and work schedule.

I don't loose touch or ignore anyone at home but its more difficult to stay totally in touch in real time with Irish life and as strange as it sounds it makes you feel very alone and out of touch with the place you are living me.

I would think at first your friend was the same. She was thinking a lot of home but gradually began to adapt to life where she is and maybe got some new friends or activities and might be busy with work and has acclimatized to the timezone.

I know you want a response right away but please try to understand that trying to live your Irish life when abroad becomes very difficult and creates a lot of loneliness. You need to adjust and start your new life and stop pining for home and yes, that can mean sometimes you arent in touch with people as often and you stop staying up until all hours for skype sessions and might not email, text and phone as quickly but it doesnt mean she doesnt still regard you as her friend, you just need to accept and respect she DOES have a new life to content with too now.

iguana

Is the problem really that your friend hasn't replied to your email within a few days? And you are asking if that is acceptable behaviour?

Of course it's "acceptable." She isn't at your beck and call, she has her own life. She may not have even read your email yet and if she has she might have other things on her mind or to do before she replies to you. However getting upset to the point of thinking you will fall out with her because she hasn't replied to one email within a few days is very unacceptable.

Calm down and giver her a chance to actually get around to it. If a month or so goes by and she hasn't emailed you back and you've tried getting in contact a few times and she's still not in contact, then you might have cause to be this upset. But not after a few days.

LegacyUser

op here.

right, some explanation needed otherwise the threadtitle is probably a bit misleading.

sure, nobody has to reply immediately.
but in this case I know she's on the internet most of her free-time, she doesn't has to go into an internet cafe. so I know 100% she's avoiding it, as one poster said. it actually was the most accurate analysis from the situation, this here:

Who knows - maybe your friend just cannot cope with people staying with her and just avoids instead of deals with issues - making them worse of course...

this is it, mainly. do people really think here it's a great and acceptable attitude, especially towards friends?

I explain my point again: she's whining to me, she feels alone, and it's not that it changed in a few days and she has so much going on.
actually, I don't really know how to explain it, either people get it or not. it's about friendship, honesty and respect. what I mean is, she can honestly tell me, that she would prefer not staying me in her apartment, no problem at all, I can decide then and look where to stay. but not saying anything is just weird and for sure I will not wait for her response and plan the trip without her.
but I would expect, as respect to me, a clear response. don't know what's so difficult to do it. Think I'm so annoyed cause she's done something like that before and she's this kind of avoider and I don't like that behaviour. It's disrespectful.

I supported her before, she always has problems in her life and obviously I'm the one she can rely on and whine, so the least I would expect from her is some straightforwardness in telling me what's going on if I ask to visit.
Really weird, think I cut contact as well.
sorry, but getting really angry now...

Taltos

tessali73 wrote: »

she's done something like that before and she's this kind of avoider and I don't like that behaviour.

Well - there's your answer OP - this is just the way she is and she is not going to change.
If you cannot handle someone like this around you then yes, maybe cutting contact is the right thing. If though you can see past this and learn not to take her avoidance personally there is no reason why your friendship cannot continue - just it will not be a two-way friendship if you know where I am coming from... Trying to be nice here about her