Hurt. Work relationship: colleagues found out and he dumped me

LegacyUser

I am out of a LTR for about a month now. I've been seeing a guy at work (work in an office) for coffee and dinner dates for the past while. I'm 24 he's 30 but he holds the exact same position as I do and we're paid the same. I told two of my close colleagues about us seeing one another, just in passing conversation. I trusted that neither of them would tell others as I asked them not to, and they didn't , as far as I know.

This has been going on for a month and we hadn't moved past kissing because i'm not ready for anything physical. He said ok, and that he would wait until I was ready. So on Friday he jokingly said to me in text message "will we get a hotel on saturday night or will we go to my place instead?" and i said "You move pretty fast don't you! we'll go for dinner instead, I want to find out more about you!" No reply.

On Saturday I started getting ready to go out because we had arranged to be going anyway, so I wanted to be close to ready for when he called. The call never came, so at 9pm I texted asking "did you forget about something?!" to which he rang back half an hour later and said "3 people in the office asked me about whether we were together, I'm very annoyed at you. That office is a breeding ground for gossip, this is your fault". And I said "I apologise, I don't think it was my friends who said it cause you and I are always out in the smoking area together but ok, I'm sorry, we'll leave it there then, you won't hear from me again". And he was in the middle of saying "I wish you the best" but I was in the middle of hanging up the phone.

I feel so terrible.I have to face him on Monday morning/the rest of my career in this place and I don't know how to act... I feel hurt and I don't want to show that

MsHolloway

Hi op,

Look I completely understand that some people can be very private about these things in work situations, and dont want to be the subject of office gossip.
Like I said I completely understand this, but part of me does wonder what was the big deal is though? So people found out, they only figured out the truth! You dont embark on seeing a co - worker if you're that worried about office gossip, because sooner or later people will find out. I think its neither here nor there how people found out, whether it was a case of the office gossips putting 2 and 2 together (in which cause they only correctly figured out what was going on, and its not fair putting the blame on you) or just saying it in passing to friends (are you supposed to lie to them?). The truth is the two of you HAD been seeing each other for a while, and it wasn't like you had been shouting all about it all over the office.

From your post, i took it that it was a case of him basically trying to stand you up? If thats the case then fook him! He could have just told you what was going on, instead of letting you get ready and waiting for him. This is incredibly immature behaviour, I understand hes annoyed but jesus theres no need to stand someone up.

Op, if this is how hes going to behave then I think it might not be so bad that you are shut of him. On monday, hold your head up high. You're not at fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You tried something and it didn't work out. If you have to deal with him, be as professional as possible.

Chin up hun! You'll get through it

Edit: Could be completely wrong here but I can't help but wonder if his excuse was a bit of a smokescreen. Joking or not, I think his text on friday was testing the waters to see if things were going to go further on saturday. It just seems a bit coincidental that he ended things the next day. Perhaps you were trusting your gut, not to sleep with him until you were ready, I hope that wasn't all he was after.
I know this isnt part of your PI, but you mentioned you're out of a LTR a month. It might be good for you to just take a break for a while and focus on you Its just I remember when I was out of a LTR when I was in my early - mid twenties, and I might have jumped into other relationships to get over it. Not a good idea, it can be a case of hurt on top of hurt.

LegacyUser

Hi MsHolloway,

Thanks so much for the message. Yes we were not talking loudly nor taking lunch together. The only time I see him in office hours is at the smoking area , where we have the occasional chat but it's literally very brief.

He brought me back chocolate and a scarf from his weekend away two weeks ago. I've since re-packaged these things and am going to put them in his drawer in the morning (or I might just walk up and give them to him). Not because I want to start a fight or anything but I don't want his presents after how he spoke to me.

I feel really hurt. But yes, you're right, I tried something, it didn't work out...

Thanks again

I am a friend

Throw his presents in the bin or give them to a charity shop.

Do not give them back to him in work, even via a drawer as it's bringing the 'relationship' back into the work place.

MsHolloway

Hi op,

No worries at all, thats why this forum is here afterall

Just to add I completely agree with I am a friend, just throw the gifts away.
Like you mentioned you have the rest of your career in that place, so dont bring the personal issues into work. Its just not worth it! Hes not worth it!

WANTStoWORK

Sounds like you are well rid, sounds like a real toss pot to be honest, you had a lucky escape. anyway why should you be worried about facing him on Monday morning, you did nothing wrong. oh by the way never never tell another woman a secret that you don't want broadcasted!! Best of luck.

@rti-shm@rti

Hi OP,

It sounds like this guy is very immature and that you are well rid of him. He sounds like the last type of person you need to get involved with directly out of a relationship.

Firstly you have done nothing at all wrong. It sounds either like a gross overreaction on his part or a way of ending things without actually saying he's not that into you anymore or doesn't want to wait any longer. Either way he dealt with it in a very immature fashion. He should have called you and explained that he didn't want to see you anymore Friday night as opposed to standing you up Sat night. Were you supposed to telepathically guess the reason that he never showed up?

It sounds like he's not really ready to be in an adult relationship if this is the way he behaves. Personally, if I was seeing someone and they wanted to keep things quiet at work I'd say okay.....understandable because office gossip can sometimes make a situation more intense. With a reaction like that though my attitude would be that maybe he has more to hide?? and also whatever guy I'm with should be happy to shouting from the rooftops to be honest. I'm sure you're a catch. He should be delighted that he's seeing you and not be so worried that people have found out.

Distorted

He seems to be selfish, manipulative and cowardly. Loads of people meet through work, I doubt your friends would have commented - more likely he has been discussing it with his friends, realised he isn't getting a shag ultra quick and decided to move onto his next victim. The excuse about people at work finding out is pathetic, as is standing you up and waiting for you to call to find out what had happened. The only reason I can think of for such an objection to anyone finding out (perhaps you had been seen together?) is that he was only after one thing and didn't want work colleagues to think he had treated you badly when he dumped you after he had got it.

Keep that text message about the hotel room suggestion from him, just in case he gives you any trouble in future. Do not put the presents in his drawer at work.

Wolfe Tone

Reads more to me like the guy felt that the relationship was not going anywhere.

Of course he is angry about the gossip, seen as she is only just out of a relationship shackling up with him makes it look like he may have been the reason the relationship had ended, easy to see how it can look that way, of course he doesnt want that.

In all honestly it seems to me that you are not over your relationship and tbh I think he is better off without you at this time.

LegacyUser

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

Reads more to me like the guy felt that the relationship was not going anywhere.

Of course he is angry about the gossip, seen as she is only just out of a relationship shackling up with him makes it look like he may have been the reason the relationship had ended, easy to see how it can look that way, of course he doesnt want that.

In all honestly it seems to me that you are not over your relationship and tbh I think he is better off without you at this time.

I don't agree. He didn't seem too worried about what people thought when he started going out with her.

OP, you are better off without him. He wasn't getting what he wanted and he used the excuse of you talking to your friends (of which he had no proof until he asked you) to end the relationship. Men in their thirties are usually snapped up. You have to wonder why he's not.

LegacyUser

thanks all for the messages. I didn't give him back the presents. He came opposite my desk to ask the girl in front of me for her stapler (like, the ten people before him couldn't have given it to him..) and I didn't look at him.

He spent a good portion of the morning sauntering around acting really happy and laughing with everyone (he's usually very quiet). So I found that a bit weird but anyway.

I'm going to continue to ignore him unless I have to actually talk to him which probably won't be for a while as we're working on separate things right now.

I still feel really bad about all this but anyway.

Regarding my LTR I am taking the space I need to get over it fully. And am not looking out for anyone else. I'm joining a gym and starting dance classes with a friend of mine.

And just in case anyone thought he'd be embarrassed to be around me i'm not that bad looking so it wasn't a case of him being embarrassed for that (not that it was relevant to mention but just putting it out there!)..

So it'll just be a case of ignoring him completely. That's the only way I can see out of this. Thanks to those who told me I did nothing wrong... It's better when it's said to you by others and not when you're just thinking it yourself.

ash23

I think he may have been annoyed that ye hadn't even gotten passed the kissing stage because you weren't ready but you were also telling people that ye were an item?
If I was seeing someone who wouldn't even kiss me because they weren't ready for a relationship, and then found out they'd been telling people about our "relationship" I'd be mighty annoyed. Not about the gossiping, but about the mixed messages.

Neyite

OP, you are handling it with dignity , but I wouldnt ignore him. Rather I would be civil, and polite and cool with him. If you ignore him he knows that he hurt you.

I agree with Sunflower, he is acting incredibly juvenile. Better you find that out now than a couple of months down the line. If its obvious to you, it will also be obvious to your workmates as well.

Some years ago, an aquaintance of my ex tried it on immediatly after we had split - he made a point of telling me about my ex and his new girlfriend, upsetting me greatly, while pretending to be sympathetic and comforting and in hindsight I think he expected that I would be so mad at my ex I would shag him as a sort of revenge. It seemed predatory somehow. Luckily, I bolted, but I often think about what a manipulative creep he was.

Maybe your guy thought you would be vunerable and needy after coming out of your LTR, or maybe he just freaked out at others knowing. Either way, better off without him.

LegacyUser

cheers again. Ash23 we were kissing, we were basically kissing, holding hands etc and doing the things you do at the start of something except I wasn't going to be sleeping with him until I felt more comfortable with him. That's not a crime. And I'm glad I didn't because of how he's carrying on.

I have still not spoken to him. I was on a half day today because of an appointment. I think he's happy enough for us not to be talking to one another.

And there was no news of us "being an item" or "having a relationship". I told my two colleagues he and I were seeing each other but there was no talking of a relationship etc. This was all light hearted until he started on about people finding out.

I think at this stage i'm just frustrated. Glad it's over but sad at the same time. And upset that I opened up to him about things and trusted him. That was my mistake but I wasn't to know this would happen.

funloving

Sorry for being harsh but I am going to post what I think, maybe it can help you looking at the thing from a different angle.

All this seems a bit childish to me as if the OP is not ready and over the LTR should not date a new guy negleting his desire and passion and pretending he's ok with it while saying to co workers they are dating.

if the OP wants to take things slow, well this should apply to everything and not only when suits her better.

I personally would hate a guy saying around he's seeing me if we only started to go out together as I tend to keep my things personal in work and it should be mutallly accepted.

my opinion on this

Distorted

funloving wrote: »

All this seems a bit childish to me as if the OP is not ready and over the LTR should not date a new guy negleting his desire and passion and pretending he's ok with it while saying to co workers they are dating.

if the OP wants to take things slow, well this should apply to everything and not only when suits her better.

The OP has been dating the guy for less than a month! If making him wait less than a month for sex is neglecting him, then the poor soul isn't very patient! Honestly OP, don't feel guilty in any way about this. I don't see that this is anything to do with you coming out of a LTR as anyone might want to wait this long, rather than jumping into bed with a new guy after a few dates.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the attraction to this guy was that the OP was just out of a LTR and therefore quite vulnerable...

The OP also says that she didn't tell two of her co-workers that they were dating, but that they had been on a couple of dates. I don't see the reason to keep this secret or some great mystery if its simply the truth and she also says that she very much doubts that they passed it on.