Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,

I'm just a bit confused and looking for advice and perspective!

To start I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years and it ended very badly, we don't really speak anymore. I moved on pretty fast and starting seeing my current boyfriend 3 months later. So we're now together 6 months and I felt like I was never happier until recently. A few days ago my boyfriend and I were talking and he admitted that while we were at the texting stage (But he had asked me out on a date) he went out that weekend and ended up in bed with another girl, he didn't sleep with her (because they didn't have a condom) and she did email him the next day but he ignored it. He then came home and text me saying he was going to ask me to go out last night but he thought I'd be too tired after work. Two days later we had our first date.

I was really really hurt because he always made out like he was mad about me from the beginning. We also talked about "numbers", bad idea. As I was so young when I met my ex I've only ever been with two people, but my boyfriend never had a proper girlfriend so has been with 8 girls before me. And I don't really know why but since we've talked about everything I just don't look at him the same way!

I want to stay with him and love him, but because his excuse for the girl he went off with just before me was that he was drunk and stupid I worry he'll do it again. He does tend to get quite drunk when he's out.

I'm also starting to feel like maybe I missed out. I'm only 24, I don't feel like I'm done having fun yet and I definitely don't want to settle down!! Whereas my boyfriend tells me all the time that he never wants to lose me and he wants to be with me forever.

I'm so confused right now I feel like I'm actually going mad! Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading

AnnyHallsal

jellybeany wrote: »

I moved on pretty fast and starting seeing my current boyfriend 3 months later. So we're now together 6 months and I felt like I was never happier until recently. A few days ago my boyfriend and I were talking and he admitted that while we were at the texting stage (But he had asked me out on a date) he went out that weekend and ended up in bed with another girl, he didn't sleep with her (because they didn't have a condom) and she did email him the next day but he ignored it. He then came home and text me saying he was going to ask me to go out last night but he thought I'd be too tired after work. Two days later we had our first date.

I was really really hurt because he always made out like he was mad about me from the beginning. We also talked about "numbers", bad idea. As I was so young when I met my ex I've only ever been with two people, but my boyfriend never had a proper girlfriend so has been with 8 girls before me. And I don't really know why but since we've talked about everything I just don't look at him the same way!

I want to stay with him and love him, but because his excuse for the girl he went off with just before me was that he was drunk and stupid I worry he'll do it again. He does tend to get quite drunk when he's out.

I'm also starting to feel like maybe I missed out. I'm only 24, I don't feel like I'm done having fun yet and I definitely don't want to settle down!! Whereas my boyfriend tells me all the time that he never wants to lose me and he wants to be with me forever.

I'm so confused right now I feel like I'm actually going mad! Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading

I think these two are in conflict: Do you want to be with him or do you want to be single? Until you resolve this everything else is immaterial.

LegacyUser

Regarding the girl he had a ons with, you should let it go. He wasnt you bf at the time and did nothing wrong. I know it's hurtful as you had already met but your relationship hadn't started.

So he slept with 8 people? It's possible your number would be the same if you hadn't been in a long term. He probably feels just as threatened by your long term as you are by his singleness.

It sounds like he is committed to you now, the question is really about whether you want to be in a serious relationship or whether you want to sow your wild oats while you're still young which, believe me, is not as much fun as it can appear to be from the outside.

LegacyUser

I agree with the above poster. No commitment had been made between the two of you when he was with the other girl and the fact that he ignored her email shows he had no interest in her. No one really like to think about the person they care for being intimate with someone else. He didnt cheat though so its just part of his past, forget it.

It stands to reason that he's slept with more people than you since he was single and you were with someone. Think about it though, his "number" might be higher but your probably the more experienced of the two of you, in that you've probably had alot more sex in your LTR than he had with a handful of flings and one night stands, so it evens out.

Rather than worrying about his past, figure out if you want to be in a relationship with him or not. If your enjoying it, great. Him "wanting to be with you forever" is a bit OTT for a 6 month relationship, but he's never been in one before so Id take it with a pinch of salt.

curlzy

Hey OP,

What he did before he got with you is none of your business and you have zero right to be annoyed about that. I don't think that that's what's turning you off him though. You say you're having all these doubts about him / being in a relationship and I'd say that's whats turning you off, but instead of being responsible for your own happiness you're turning it around and making out YOUR feelings are HIS fault. It's not his fault you want to sow your wild oats so starting problems based on his sexlife previous to your relationship is just sad. It is also very nasty and underhanded. I would suggest you sit down and have a good think about what you want. If you want to be single then have the balls to break it off with him and be honest with him, don't tell him that it was because he slept with people before you, that would be cowardly and pathetic and make you look a bit insane tbh. So yeah figure out what you want and then get it with some dignity and respect for your bf as well as yourself. I won't go into how wrong the whole "well he had a sex life before we got together so he might cheat on me" train of thought is, other than to tell you to cop on.

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

It's totally unreasonable of you on both counts to a. hold a ONS before you were even dating against him and b. to find it unacceptable that he had a past.

To my mind this is all a smokescreen anyway. Sounds like you're having doubts about being with this guy and you're making these into issues as a way of getting out of it. Don't manifest problems where there are none just so you can break up with the guy. If you want to be footloose and fancy free then do so but don't give the poor chap a hard time because you haven't the balls to break up with him fairly.

gargleblaster

It sounds like you might be just getting cold feet about getting more serious. Your trust took a blow and so you're doubting that happiness you first felt. You're right to think hard about whether or not to let yourself get into a serious relationship, it's not good to be reckless with other people's hearts.

Take some time and weigh your level of trust against that sense of happiness you had. If your feelings for him are deep enough then I would think they will win out over your insecurity, which is probably just temporary considering that it seems mostly due to finding out about him being with another women while you were texting, but not yet going out. Since you weren't even a couple at that point, I think it's probably just a case of you getting the jitters and being afraid of getting hurt. It doesn't make good sense to me to throw something away because of something that may or may not happen, and it also doesn't seem to be fair to your OH.