help!

LegacyUser

just need some advise on my life as a whole... big ask i know!

i have 2 kids, 1 is almost a teenager and the other is preschool age. number one was a total stupid teenage mistake. i know that sounds terrible but im telling it like it is. we struggled for everything but we got to a place where we were both happy eventually. he was too young to realise the things i went through to make sure he never went without and he defintely doesnt remember how hard i struggled on my own. but somewhere i found the strength to work, put myself through college, get better jobs and eventually i bought a house and we were happy and settled. no more moving and everything that went along with all that.

then i met someone. thought he was the one. in one nite i realised he wasnt. i was stupid and after a few months of no contact we were back together. the biggest mistake of my life. he promised me everything i ever wanted. he never did any of it but in the mean time persuaded me that having a baby was a good idea. hence numero 2! low and behold what do ya know after #2 was born things were bad. i ran him. i had to. i left not only the town but the county. i left my house that i worked so hard for. that was 4 years ago.

I am too old to be playing the field at this stage, 30. i want to be with someone.

how do i even do this when i cant get out of my house because i cant afford a sitter? when i can get out noone i know wants to go out as they all have there own relationships cos thats what people my age do! im so lost as to how im ever going to meet anyone again. it was so different having just the 1 child and living in my home town where i had a wealth of support. i have none where i am now. how are things ever going to get any better for me? i just want a normal life like everyone else

Karen8

Hi OP, firstly, let me tell you how nice you are
Few days ago I got an email in my inbox, offering me... abortion with unplanned pregnancy. I was shocked that nowdays companies r advertising such things easily as it was a new pair of shoes. Even abortion is no longer tabu or no-no thing for millions of women all other the world. They put studies, career, house, wedding and many other things into first place. I don't think it was easy for you to cope with it, especially u were a teenager with ur 1st, but you decided to refuse ur egoism, not the kids. IMO it's so feminine and sweet, what else a men could wish for
Getting back to ur problem I think it is bigger in your head than in reality. Is there anyone who could help you, staying with ur kids while u r out? Parents? sisters? friends? If u don't have anyone who can help you, u can even try skill swap threads on this forum - maybe u will meet another mum, and can help each other.
Another thing, that u can find your true love practically anywhere. You might be wrong telling 'how do i even do this when i cant get out of my house' - one day Mr Right might knock into ur house to fix the leak u can meet him on online dating websites or even here on boards.ie
Children grows fast, soon the little one will go to school too and you will have more 'me' time. You've got so much, don't forget about it, many women would do anything to have their own child and you even have 2 don't call it a problem and enjoy being a mum, head up Mr Right is on his way, just be patient. All good things come to those who wait All the best

Mighty_Mouse

Few days ago I got an email in my inbox, offering me... abortion with unplanned pregnancy. I was shocked that nowdays companies r advertising such things easily as it was a new pair of shoes. Even abortion is no longer tabu or no-no thing for millions of women all other the world. They put studies, career, house, wedding and many other things into first place. I don't think it was easy for you to cope with it, especially u were a teenager with ur 1st, but you decided to refuse ur egoism

She's not look for congrats from a pro-lifer for not aborting her baby.
If a man posted the same problem, would the natural response be to congratulate him on not having his tubes tied?

OP, 30 is really really young.
Would it be possible to return to your home town where you would have a support network. This would allow you to broaden your social circle immediately and maybe find some personal time for hobbies and classes. Basically IMO you need to find a way of living a more rounded life. This may or may not lead to a successful relationship but getting "out there" would be a positive first step.

Kimia

Karen8 wrote: »

Hi OP, firstly, let me tell you how nice you are
Few days ago I got an email in my inbox, offering me... abortion with unplanned pregnancy. I was shocked that nowdays companies r advertising such things easily as it was a new pair of shoes. Even abortion is no longer tabu or no-no thing for millions of women all other the world. They put studies, career, house, wedding and many other things into first place. I don't think it was easy for you to cope with it, especially u were a teenager with ur 1st, but you decided to refuse ur egoism, not the kids.

Bizzare - I don't think the OP (or anyone) wants to hear how great she was for not having an abortion.

IMO it's so feminine and sweet, what else a men could wish for

It's so feminine and sweet that she didn't have an abortion? What a strange post.

OP you seem to find it hard to accept that this is what your life is, and that it is of your making. It's not very fair of you to give out about your son not understanding how much you've sacrificed for him - it was at the end of the day your choice to have him so there's no point in moaning about it. I really hope he doesn't sense or hear this from you either because it can easily give children a massive complex.

I don't understand why you had to leave your hometown and your wealth of support. Is there any way you can move back?

You have to take responsibility and say that you and you alone made this choices which resulted in you being in this conundrum. Happily it's also your choice that can get you out. I'd investigate moving home to where you were most happiest.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

OP you seem to find it hard to accept that this is what your life is, and that it is of your making. It's not very fair of you to give out about your son not understanding how much you've sacrificed for him - it was at the end of the day your choice to have him so there's no point in moaning about it. I really hope he doesn't sense or hear this from you either because it can easily give children a massive complex.

I don't understand why you had to leave your hometown and your wealth of support. Is there any way you can move back?

You have to take responsibility and say that you and you alone made this choices which resulted in you being in this conundrum. Happily it's also your choice that can get you out. I'd investigate moving home to where you were most happiest.

firstly you may want to reread my post as i was in no way moaning about having my son or giving out about him in any way. i have done everything for him so he didnt have to see how much i struggled. he had a very happy childhood with no worries because i made sure he never knew how hard things were. id never give out about my son he made me the woman i am today.

secondly of course you dont understand why i left my hometown because i never said why i did. I left to go to college. so no there is no way i can go home as i no longer have a home there and my life is here now. so you may want to get off your high horse and if you dont have anything positive to say keep your thoughts to yourself. life is hard enough without your negative attitude.

mighty mouse & karen8 - thank you both.
karen8 i never heard of swap skill threads! maybe will look into that! and i hear ya when you say true love could be anywhere now to find that leak

mighty mouse - i go home as much as i can but i find it interrupts family life here and eventually you do get fed up of travelling and the washing when we get back!! as my son is starting secondary school i dont have the option to move again as i dont want pulling him out of secondary school and moving him to a different one. its a very important time in his life and its hard enough to get through school without having to make new friends!

Kimia

I read your post and I was responding to the fact that you called him a 'total stupid teenage mistake'.

I'm not on any high horse OP - you put it out there and I'm giving you my opinion. You shouldn't post if you don't want to get honest replies.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

I read your post and I was responding to the fact that you called him a 'total stupid teenage mistake'.

he wasnt the mistake. i made a mistake when i was no more than a child myself. hope this clarifies that one line for you.

I'm not on any high horse OP - you put it out there and I'm giving you my opinion. You shouldn't post if you don't want to get honest replies.

your opinion has nothing to do with my post as a whole. why bother replying if you have nothing in any way helpful to say? if you have any suggestions as to how i may be able to help myself out of this wee rut i find myself in at this minute in time i will gladly listen.

MsHolloway

dispair maybe wrote: »

I am too old to be playing the field at this stage, 30.

I nearly spat out my tea when I read this line. Op you are in no way too old. 30 is very young! I get that you had to grow up very quickly at a young age but please remember you're only 30!

Fair play for putting yourself through college. You come across as a very strong individual so don't forget this!

As for lovelife stuff, dont dispair! theres many ways to meet people besides trying to organise nights out. You should check out if theres any activities or clubs in your area in things you find interesting. Something like meetup.com perhaps? maybe something on during the day while your kids are at school.
Maybe you could take up a new hobby?

WANTStoWORK

Too old at 30???, You have a life time lived which is more than i can say for a lot of people in this country, I have to admire you for what you have achieved so far so don't be knocking yourself, I agree with one of the other posters when they said that love can be found in the most unusal places and you will most probably find it when you are not looking for it (if that makes sence!), F**k the begrudgers!!!! best of luck to you and your family for the future.

LegacyUser

MsHolloway wrote: »

I nearly spat out my tea when I read this line. Op you are in no way too old. 30 is very young! I get that you had to grow up very quickly at a young age but please remember you're only 30!

Fair play for putting yourself through college. You come across as a very strong individual so don't forget this!

As for lovelife stuff, dont dispair! theres many ways to meet people besides trying to organise nights out. You should check out if theres any activities or clubs in your area in things you find interesting. Something like meetup.com perhaps? maybe something on during the day while your kids are at school.
Maybe you could take up a new hobby?

apologies for losing your tea!

when i said too old for playing the field i meant that i dont want wasting my time on meaningless encounters at this stage in my life i want to settle down. theres nothing i would like more than to have someone to wake up to in the mornings. well someone that doesnt jump on me and make me play with trucks in bed that is

I never found it hard to meet guys when i had 1 child and now that i have 2 i feel like people (men) judge me more and i dont even know if they do its just what i think. And i feel more reluctant to try and get to know them as im afraid once i tell them ive 2 kids i might scare them off! and i cant lie about it as its just not in me to conceal something that is such a big part of my life and something that has defined me as the person i am today.

Id love to try out new clubs or hobbies but at the minute money is a HUGE obsticle! so i suppose im going to have to bide my time until things improve a bit and then hopefully ill be able to get out and about a bit more. and thanks x

Mighty_Mouse

i dont want wasting my time on meaningless encounters at this stage in my life i want to settle down. theres nothing i would like more than to have someone to wake up to in the mornings

Whilst its perfectly reasonable to have ambitions in terms of the type of relationship you want..............you're obviously going to have to take a chance on some short-term affairs not working out?

I never found it hard to meet guys when i had 1 child and now that i have 2 i feel like people (men) judge me more

That's your own insecurities talking.
Obviously there will be a sginificant amount of men unwilling to take on board 2 kids but I reckon they probably wouldn't of considered 1kid anyways.
Its the same type of man who's willing to date woman with kids. 1 extra doesn't really matter.

Id love to try out new clubs or hobbies but at the minute money is a HUGE obsticle

You're going to have to use your imagination but there's plenty of societys an community activites happening in your local area for free.

as my son is starting secondary school i dont have the option to move again as i dont want pulling him out of secondary school and moving him to a different one. its a very important time

There will never be a perfect time, ever. Life is not ideal.
He's 5-6 years from the LC.
If relocating would increase your standard of living, then seriously consider it.

BattleCorp

Getting out and about seems to be the biggest obstacle that you face.

You certainly won't find that everyone out there is "taken" when you do start socialising again. You are only 30 for God's sake. I was at my school reunion a few years ago and nearly half of the people there were unattached (with kids). There are plenty of people your age available, or "back on the market" as one of the girls said to me.

Not every guy nowadays runs a mile from a woman with kids either. It's a modern world we are living in now, and quite often people of our age do have kids, do have messy relationships, and do have break-ups. If the guy fancies you, and you fancy him, you are in with a shot. If you have kids and he isn't interested because of that, he wasn't right for you in the first place.

Money is an issue for pretty much all of us nowadays. But you have to be inventive. You don't have to go on the lash (expensive) to meet people. In my opinion, it's not the best way to meet people anyway. You have to be inventive, think of things to do in your area that don't cost much money. Even getting out for a walk, anything to get out of the house. I met my other half in the bank. We got chatting, went for coffee - and four years later we are still together :-)

Have you any friends in the area that could babysit for you? You could do them a favour and babysit for them some time in return - thus no money needs to change hands.

There are plenty of free internet sites that can help you meet people so maybe you could try something like that. I think a good way for you to meet someone is to be introduced to them through a friend. Let a few of your close friends know that you would like to meet somebody and maybe they would know somebody who might suit you.

It's a mad world, anything could happen. You just have to give it a try.

You have options, you just have to find a way to make it happen.