So much anger towards him

LegacyUser

I won't go into two much detail but basically I got very fooked over by a man. In brief, this man stalked me and obsessed about me and sent me emails declaring his love for five years until I cracked and left my long term partner at a time of stress. The other man's love didn't last. He broke up with me, very violently and left me with nothing at a very important time in my life. In fact, he even accused me of sleeping around, as his get out clause, which caused me a lot of confusion and hurt. There is other stuff as well, which I won't go into here. He told me over and over to trust him, but he was completely irresponsible with my life and so spiteful about the break up. I would never have treated him (or anyone) that way.
That was two years ago and I've been dealing with wreckage of my life. The man moved onto to someone else within months (weeks?).
In the past month I've seen him three times on nights out in town and I'm dealing with the most horrible rage. I keep running over stuff I want to say to him in my head - over and over. I feel like I'm now the one obsessed. I'm so angry. What can I do? I feel tempted to send him a nasty text message (don't worry I won't). I had counselling two years ago and thought I was getting better/over this, but it's all come back only worse. Please help.

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps you might get some benefit from discussing the rage you are feeling with a counsellor?

I think first of all you have to look at taking some personal responsibility for what happened - and that in turn will help alter the disproportionate amount of blame you are assigning to this guy as the sole bearer of all your misfortunes. You said he stalked and obsessed yet you alone made the decision to leave your partner and go to this man - what he did after that is a separate matter and of course you have a right to be angry at being hurt or treated cruelly...first off though, I think you have to acknowledge that ultimately there is only one person in charge of your life and over the longer-term what happens in it - and that's you.

All the best

Neyite

I can understand the rage inside when someone thunders through your life leaving nothing but wreckage for you to pick up - it happened to me, but someone told me at the time "the best revenge is your own happiness", and it took me a while to absorb and fully understand the meaning of it, but when I did, it enabled me to move on and start rebuilding my life.

I reasoned that, it was a massive tough learning curve for me - I learned what I will never do again, and gave me a greater appreciation of the role I play in future relationships, and the responsibility to treat them with dignity and respect. But I did have accept that I chose to be with this man, just as you did, and forgive myself for that. I suspect some of your rage is that you are annoyed that you let yourself be taken in, work on that and let yourself off the hook.

I have only seen mine once or twice in about 9 years. I know he is still single and pushing 40, but I also know that he always craved the kind of relationship I now have with someone else- one he is incapable of maintaining,he would just destroy it.

I know that deep down, he is aware that he is not a nice person, and hates that. I know that he is insecure, and uses cruelty towards others to make himself feel better.

I know that he relied on the fact that he was very good looking and women would overlook some of his behaviour because of how gorgeous he was. Now he is getting the odd wrinkle or two, and his pride and joy - his hair - is seriously receding (That especially gives me a happy!) Me? I look the same as I always did - better in fact, because I am not tense and strained the way I was then.

I am proud that my life is happy - the f**ker would hate that. That makes me smug.

LegacyUser

Thanks people. Regarding personal responsibility for my actions... I've certainly been over that in my mind and with the counsellor. I'm very angry with myself too.
This man is forty six now with a new relationship and twin babies on the way (I hear). Part of the complications in this is that I'm late thirties with fertility problems. At the time I told this man that if I stayed with my long term partner we would have had fertility treatment and maybe a family now. We were trying for a family. This other man wanted a family too. He assured me that 'children didn't matter if we had each other' but I suspect I may have been dumped when he realised that my fertility issues were real. He lost patience before we got as far as treatment. Of course, he never really discussed why he was leaving me, just shouted nonsense about all the things I was supposed to have done wrong.
Part of my anger is that he was instrumental in taking away my chance for a family with my ex, didn't stick around long enough to give me and him that chance - and still he gets his wonderful second chance at a late stage in life. No justice?
I'm also angry with my self for spending months after the break up trying to contact him/trying to make it right again/prove myself innocent of the things he accused me of, when all I got in response from him was spite. Of course I knew better but I kept hoping.
He also pressured me into selling home with ex partner sooner than I would have chosen to (I know, my bad decision as well, but he assured me that me and him would get married and buy together). I didn't end up with much out of the sale due to timing/property bubble, and also gave my ex partner a very good deal on things because of my guilt (which I still don't regret) but I miss that house, and our dog (very much). Now I'm back renting for the foreseeable future. Only possessions but it's hard to build again. As I'm writing, I'm actually crying my eyes out thinking how much I miss our dog! My step-dad also died unexpectedly shortly after the break up, at a time when I'd lost a lot of my support network due to what happened - My exes sister was my best friend since childhood. It's been tough and it just doesn't seem to be getting easier.
I'm finding childlessness hard to accept as well. I've only been on about three dates in the past two years. I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
All I ever wanted was a secure family. I've no doubt 'happiness is the best revenge', I'm just struggling to find my happiness.
Sunflower, I'm fantasizing about that time when I don't have this is my mind all the time. That will be my prayers answered. I actually thought I was getting there until he started showing up everywhere again.

I am a friend

I don't think he was instrumental in you not having kids with your ex - you did that by having an affair / flirtation with him.

I don't really get why you are so annoyed with him other than he has what you want?

What treatments have you looked at with regard having a kid on your own.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

I don't think he was instrumental in you not having kids with your ex - you did that by having an affair / flirtation with him.

I don't really get why you are so annoyed with him other than he has what you want?

What treatments have you looked at with regard having a kid on your own.

Well I told him that I had fertility problems. I told him having a family with me might be a long and hard road and that there might not be children at the end of it. I told him that my ex was ok with not having children, but was also prepared to do treatments. I said that if he wasn't committed and in it for the long haul then I would stay with my ex. I meant it. (I didn't leave my ex easily. I was very confused about who to be with. You could say I loved both.. and it would be true).
I told this man that there was a lot at state and if he wasn't committed then he should leave me to get on with the life path I was on. He swore blind that he never loved anyone like me, wanted to get married, would do the fertility journey and 'whatever it took' and that he'd still want me if we didn't have kids. He swore he knew his own mind. I was prepared to stay and work on things with my ex if this man didn't want the same things or wasn't in it for the long haul.
I didn't go looking for an affair. Although we had dated before, this man was in a circle that I've had contact with over years and he repeated his feelings to me in a number of ways over several years and I didn't take him up on it. I responded to this man at a time of weakness and the situation escalated very fast - yes, my choices, but I believe I would be with my ex now if I hadn't listened to him, so 'instrumental' was exactly what he was.

I realize I broke up my long term relationship. But I based my very difficult decision on what I believed he was offering. I'm angry with him because he knew what was at stake in my life. I feel like he played with my life for his short term gratification and I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. There were no consequences for him.

I'm a grown-up. I understand that relationships don't always work, but after all the big talk, knowing what was at stake, I'm angry that he didn't try to work things through. He didn't even TALK things through. He literally blew up in my face one day accusing me of all sorts, which I think was his way of side-stepping any responsibility.

As for having a baby on my own. I respect anyone who chooses to do that, but I would find it hard to not be able to tell a child about their father. Maybe if I could just get pregnant I might just do it, but facing into fertility treatments on my own is a lonely road. I know how hard it was trying with a partner. I haven't felt strong enough I suppose and the father issue is very big for me.

Janet1986

You need to stop going to the same place he drinks at otherwise you will be constantly reminded of him and what happened.

LegacyUser

Janet1986 wrote: »

You need to stop going to the same place he drinks at otherwise you will be constantly reminded of him and what happened.

Have avoided his places like the plague and avoided the circle I used to meet him in so think it was just random bad luck! Hadn't seen him in nearly two years til this last month and could do without seeing him ever! Grrrrrr!

I am a friend

Where is it getting you being this angry with him? My ex told me he wanted kids and wasted 1.5 years til the truth came out so I do understand some of your issues HOWEVER it's getting you no where.

you want kids but not enough to do it alone... That's fine but then it's nor his fault you may not have kids as there are other options which you won't entertain...

Truth is the only one you are upsetting with this is yourself so why ate you giving him that power as well? The best thing about dumping a loser ex is that they no longer have any power over you - why are you giving him any airtime? He is someone elses problem now.

On another point, I don't like your logic with regard having kids with your ex. Tbh it sounds like you were using both just to have kids and ex no2 looked like a better deal... You can't use people like that and when you play fakes like that you seldom win... Sorry

I am a friend

I mean play games like that!!!

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Where is it getting you being this angry with him? My ex told me he wanted kids and wasted 1.5 years til the truth came out so I do understand some of your issues HOWEVER it's getting you no where.

you want kids but not enough to do it alone... That's fine but then it's nor his fault you may not have kids as there are other options which you won't entertain...

Truth is the only one you are upsetting with this is yourself so why ate you giving him that power as well? The best thing about dumping a loser ex is that they no longer have any power over you - why are you giving him any airtime? He is someone elses problem now.

On another point, I don't like your logic with regard having kids with your ex. Tbh it sounds like you were using both just to have kids and ex no2 looked like a better deal... You can't use people like that and when you play fakes like that you seldom win... Sorry

I agree that he's a waste of head space. I'm just having a hard time getting him out of my head.

I wasn't using anyone for kids. I loved both these men. Most people want a family with their partner and I wasn't any different. If I making a clinical decision based solely around having kids and security I would've stayed with the ex.

I haven't ruled out having a baby alone. I just haven't found the strength to face fertility treatment alone. And having a baby with a sperm donor is not an easy option in any way.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

OP, can you not see that the only one that is hurting is YOU.

You can't turn back the clock and change what happened.

You did make the decision to split with your long-term partner and there are no guarantees in life. It didn't work out with the new guy, he changed his mind, he probably could have ended things better but hell, the outcome would have been the same.

I think you are more angry at yourself than him, but there is no need for it. How were you to know how things would turn out?

I really sympathise re the fertility issue and I think that is the real crux here. You feel as though this guy robbed you from what you could of had with your ex and yet he broke his promise to give you the same.

I heard once the only person in life we can really rely on 100% is ourselves. Anyone in a relationship knows that any morning their partner could turn around and say 'I want out'.

You really have to try and get rid of the anger (at yourself and him) and if that means a bit of counselling, then you should go for it.

I think you're right Sunflower, the infertility is the crux of it... and the sense that he was a **** but he still gets a great second chance. I was a **** too but there's no second chance on the horizon, even though I'm so much younger than him. Also sadly I still have some love for him... and I'm furious with myself. Also knowing I've failed to build a family is breaking my heart.

I will give counselling another shot. I just want this obsession and anger to stop.

I am a friend

Op I went through the hate for my ex for a while as well and suddenly realised that the stress and anger and hate I was feeling was only making me sick. Stress makes you sick. You HAVE TO let go cos it's getting you nowhere.

You can go to all the counsellors you want but they can't do it for you. It's down to you and this hatred is probably stopping you meeting someone else if the truth be known. Stop the self destruct and move on and live

Moomoo1

the moral of the story is, if you want a family do not leave your long-term partner for something that may well not work out. This sort of story repeats itself again and again.

you are making it sound almost as he charmed you away from your LTR, but in reality it is you who walked away. Sure, he lied to you and that's bad, but surely in your late 30's you'd know better than to trust the promises of a guy who is trying to get into bed with you?

I am a friend

It's clear neither of them were right for her yet she hates the guy for tempting her away from her first ex.

LegacyUser

Hi ,

I have just read your message and all the replies. Firstly i believe you are still grieving.Nobody knows what happens in a relationship except the two people who are in it. Of course your angry you feel like he's stole from you, you probably feel he's stole your future but he hasn't he's stole you past.You need to get control of your situation now.Its going to be hard, I think you should go back to counselling and talk to a professional. They will guide you in the correct way. There are plenty of amateur psychologists out there ( friends, family etc) but you need a professional. You need to go and meet new people( harder than it seems) but everything you are going to do for the next few months is going to be hard. Try join a club that you have an interest it, do a night course, try reconnect with old friends.

Just because you have fertlity problems doesnt mean life is over. When you have reached a secure place in your head who's to say you can't foster or adopt on your own. If this was an option for you turn it into your goal.

Take each day as it comes. A very good friend once said to me the only man than will make you happy is your equal. That is my motto and it stops me from entering ito relationships with a******s.

Best of luck to you, stay strong. The dark clouds will pass x