The importance of your mother

CaliforniaDream

I wanted to get other peoples views and opinions on your mother during your adult life.
How important was/is it for you to have her around? Are you generally closer to her? Do you view her in a different light now that you can relate to her more?

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers when I was 17. She hasn't known me for years now and pretty much all of my adult life has been without her.
I often wonder how different I'd be as a person if she didn't get ill. Would she be the first person I'd call when I was having relationships problems, or when I got offered a new job?
Would her opinion matter to me over anyone else's?
Or would we have the type of relationship where we'd talk on the phone every now and then and where I'd tell her things when I spoke to her but didn't rush to make sure she knew first?
Would I be any different as an adult or was I 'defined' already?

How do you think your mother has had an affect on your adult life?

Acoshla

I speak to my mother about 3-5 times a day, have set up a business based on a life long hobby she has had so we work together a bit and I'm always calling for advice. It's her attitude to money that has given me my attitude to it, I have no debt and am generally pretty good with it so that's down to her. I always call her before I go to bed, I call her the second any problem happens in my life, I actually called her recently when something went wrong, and even mid way through the phone ringing her I knew there was no point calling her because there was nothing she could do but I just had to tell her asap! As for major life decisions, she doesn't like to have too much of a say in them as she figures everyone needs to make their own mistakes, her mother was quite controlling so she tries not to be. But if I was going to make a particularly bad decision she would intervene, luckily I don't seem to have! When I moved abroad and stuff she was very supportive, and any time I've quit the endless jobs I've quit she said nothing, what good would it do to give out when I'd already quit.

I lived with just her from 6 upwards, my Dad is around but tbh even when he lived with us he was just pretty useless as a Dad, so it's always been me and her. Every boyfriend I've had has had to know and accept that we come as a package, I will be calling her everyday, I will be taking her advice over theirs (if I think she's right which she normally is), and in fairness no guy has ever had a problem with it, a lot of them (and friends) have said how nice it is and how lucky I am. By the time my mother was my age (26) she had an 18 month old baby and her mother had died suddenly 18.5 months ago, so I just count myself lucky that I've had her this long and try not to take her for granted, I hope she's around at 105 still annoying me which she does every so often We tend to clash sometimes but I always feel enormously bad after it, because if I've gotten mad at her I instantly want to take it back and tell her I love her....but I don't, because I'm stubborn like her

EverEvolving

My bf often asks 'is your mum ok?' if a day goes by that she hasn't called! We are quite close and I go to her for advise for a lot of things, but definitely not everything, I have learned from the past that if you ask for my mums advise, you had better to be prepared to take it! She is quite an opinionated woman which is one of the things I both love and loathe about her.

I think she prepared me well for standing on my own two feet but still gave me support whenever I needed it, and I know if I ever need it in the future I can rely on her.

I'm the oldest and I've had issues with mum still treating me as a child rather than an adult. Her view on this is 'you'll always be my child' but I have to remind her at times that I am no longer a child.

Besides all the mother/daughter stuff she is good company and very fun loving and I enjoy spending time with her.

seenitall

I grew up with a mentally abusive and domineering mother. Life was comparable to stewing in a pressure-cooker, just waiting for that steam to blow, while growing up and in my teenage years, and my emotional development has definitely been distorted because of this.

Looking back, a long time after leaving home I was a nervous wreck, completely wound up under even a slightest pressure or stress, and I still have some unhealthy responses to dealing with any crisis situation, which I am trying to sort out.

I remember I used to envy people who had non-abusive mothers (which were most of them), and I even found myself envying a friend who lost her mother in childbirth, and lived with her father and brother.

My mother and the (s)mothering I grew up with has had an enormous effect on my adult life, more than anyone or anything else. Trust me, it is better to feel someone's absence in your life than to feel like you were a huge nuisance to them and that they hated your guts but had to live with you, essentially.

My friend who grew up without her mother turned out fine, has a nice family now and seems happy enough, while I have drifted my way around different, mostly highly unsuitable men, all my life. A certain amount of them have been mentally abusive, highly controlling, dishonest or just plain nuts. Food for thought.

I understand where you are coming from, though, OP; just giving you a different perspective (since you asked).

Nowadays it's all ancient history, swept under the carpet, it never happened, because she is in denial about everything, of course. I go along with everything seeming fine, because it is easier to do that than rock the boat for other family members as well as for myself. But inside me, there is a place of indifference toward my mother where there would have been love in different circumstances. Indifference and faint disgust.

Now that I think of it, I do miss a mother I never had; so I was probably wrong to envy that girl... Neither of us had mothers, only in different ways.

My mother grew up poor, so when she had me and my sister, she made sure we always had clean clothes, a clean house, breakfast in the morning and dinner each night. Technically, she was a perfect mother, but she never did the emotional stuff, never asked if I was ok, never talked to me about how things were going. I grew up with depression from a pretty early age and when I finally got the courage to tell her, she didn't believe me. It wasn't until I was 14 and I had a medical check up that I asked the doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist, who put me on anti-depressants. At which point she spent the next few years going about everything in the wrong way. Of course, if I wanted an easy life I had to never call her up on it, not even contradict her when she says I was always a happy child. Act like I love her and treat her with respect, although I haven't ever said I love you since I was under 10, and I only ever hug her at Christmas or her birthday.

I've treated her like we're close for so long that we are close now, we do lots of stuff together and she knows most of my business, but I'll never forgive her.

So I'm glad I have my mum, and if she died tomorrow I'd be absolutely distraught, but it's certainly not a "do everything together, call every day, braid each other's hair" sort of relationship.

baby and crumble

My Mum was my best friend, cheesy as it sounds. I loved talking to her, hanging out with her, texting her, cooking with her, everything. She wasn't without her faults, obviously, no-one is. But I knew I was lucky, having a Mum like her.

When she got sick, I didn't really know what to do. It was like a massive rug was taken out from under me. It was weird. When she died, 9 months later, it was a hell of a shock, even though I knew she would die. We all did. I always thought she was the glue that held the family together, but as it turns out, she had just taught us really well to be our own glue, so we're probably closer now as a family than we were before- you can't help but get closer when you spend 2 weeks on round the clock watch in the hospital.

My Mum definitely made me into the woman I am today. She pushed me to be successful at what I wanted to do, but I knew it'd be ok if I wasn't. She accepted me when I came out, embraced who I was, and made sure my Dad did too! She was the person I called if I needed to feel better, and now that that's gone I still, 2 years later, feel a bit lost sometimes.

I get so incredibly angry when I hear or see women my age and older whinging about how they 'have to' spend time with their Mum, or who simply ignore her. People just don't know it could be gone tomorrow.

So, in answer, OP, my Mum was hugely important to me, and still is. But all that groundwork of making me who I am was done 20-30 years ago. Yes, I'd love to be able to talk to her and hear her reply, but you can't dwell on it too much. Everyone is different.

Having someone with Alzhemiers in the family, is rough, OP. Just make sure you look after yourself.

Das Kitty

My relationship with my mother is very important to me. We had a few years in the wilderness where we weren't as close. Most of my twenties I suppose. We were both concentrating on our relationships and separate lives. That's not to say we weren't close either.

Since I became a mother myself I feel like I need her more than I ever have before. Not that I need help or anything, I just want to have her around as much as possible. It's the strangest thing. I'm so glad to have been able to have her close to me throughout the various times of my life.

ceez

seenitall wrote: »

I grew up with a mentally abusive and domineering mother. Life was comparable to stewing in a pressure-cooker, just waiting for that steam to blow, while growing up and in my teenage years, and my emotional development has definitely been distorted because of this.

Looking back, a long time after leaving home I was a nervous wreck, completely wound up under even a slightest pressure or stress, and I still have some unhealthy responses to dealing with any crisis situation, which I am trying to sort out.

I remember I used to envy people who had non-abusive mothers (which were most of them), and I even found myself envying a friend who lost her mother in childbirth, and lived with her father and brother.

My mother and the (s)mothering I grew up with has had an enormous effect on my adult life, more than anyone or anything else. Trust me, it is better to feel someone's absence in your life than to feel like you were a huge nuisance to them and that they hated your guts but had to live with you, essentially.

My friend who grew up without her mother turned out fine, has a nice family now and seems happy enough, while I have drifted my way around different, mostly highly unsuitable men, all my life. A certain amount of them have been mentally abusive, highly controlling, dishonest or just plain nuts. Food for thought.

I understand where you are coming from, though, OP; just giving you a different perspective (since you asked).

Nowadays it's all ancient history, swept under the carpet, it never happened, because she is in denial about everything, of course. I go along with everything seeming fine, because it is easier to do that than rock the boat for other family members as well as for myself. But inside me, there is a place of indifference toward my mother where there would have been love in different circumstances. Indifference and faint disgust.

Now that I think of it, I do miss a mother I never had; so I was probably wrong to envy that girl... Neither of us had mothers, only in different ways.

I can relate to this. My mother had a girl when she was 17, and was from an extreme hypocritical catholic orientated family. She was sent away to have it, and got it taken away from her immediately. She has never told me this, or has never got the opportunity to meet her other daughter - only my dad has told me. She has been so brainwashed in paying for her sin, that she believes everything must be given to her mother and sisters for their forgiveness. We live on a farm, she gives them everything and goes out of her way to help them out. Which has bogged us in even greater debt than we should be in She even missed my graduation day, to look after on of her niece. I have two brothers, which she is fine with but when it comes to me its like she's afraid to be a mother as she feels guilty about her other daughter.

My own life has been drastically shaped by her - she does her best to make me feel worthless and stupid. I got bullied when I was younger and she brings it up all the time in front of people and laughs about it. I couldn't find a job this summer and she thinks I'm the only one unemployed in the country and I'm too lazy. Doesn't matter how many CV's she sees me sending - she thinks I'm not doing enough. I spend too much time in my room - she bursts the door in expecting I'm going to be doing something inappropriate. I'm 21 years old - I need my space. She gave every single piece of clothing I had one weekend I wasn't home from college to her nieces. On birthdays she'll snatch any money I get and give it to my brothers. She's always on about how I look and my weight. Its like she's punishing me for the daughter she lost. If she falls out with her mother or her sisters she takes it out on me! But she denies it then when I talk about it to my dad and puts it in away that I caused it by making up stuff.

College has been such a relief to me that I never ever want to move back home or be in so much as the same area as her. This summer is my final summer living with her - once I'm back at my Masters, thats it, I shall never spend as so much as week under her thumb.

Ickle Magoo

I was always closer to my dad than my mum - and my sister has always been my best friend but my mother and I were/are like night and day. I left home on my 16th birthday because our relationship was so toxic I just couldn't function healthily in that environment - living hundreds of miles away our relationship improved exponentially and has slowly improved ever since. We still don't see eye to eye on most things and we have very little in common as people but as I've successfully studied, married and become a mother myself, she's had to concede that her way perhaps wasn't the only way. :pac: I think we slowly built up a mutual respect for each other as successful adults rather than enjoy a parental/child relationship.

She was diagnosed with cancer last year and since fighting that she's mellowed out a lot - I think it gave her a real fright along with a lot of time to reflect and since then her renewed efforts are obvious and we're well on the way to rebuilding more of a traditional mother/daughter relationship. :cool:

WesternNight

It really is different for everyone. For some people their mother is the most important person in their life, and for others their mother is the the most toxic person to be around. And there's loads of in-betweens. I do think, though that, either way, mothers are an enormous influence on children even when they're all grown up.

I'm relatively close to my mother, although we definitely have our moments. Now that I'm an adult (and have lived away from home for a few years, though am back home again) it's less of a parent/child relationship and more of an adult/adult relationship. I'm an only child, and I honestly can't handle the thought of her not being here anymore (hopefully won't have to deal with that for a loooong time!) because I'd essentially be on my own. She's really been the only constant I've ever had, so I'd feel a bit very much at sea without her.

beks101

My mum is the most important person in my life. She's definitely had the biggest influence and I know for sure I wouldn't hold the world views, attitude towards life or success I've had professionally/academically if it wasn't for her.

As cheesy as it sounds, she's sort of my heroine. She's held down a highly respected full-time professional job for the past 30 years and yet the job she did as our mother we second to nothing. Our pain is her pain and she never made any secret of that. She sacrificed any kind of a social life for most of my upbringing so she could bring us to our evening classes, drive us halfway across the country to follow our dreams, and she regularly does without so we can have the best of anything/everything.

But mainly she's my heroine because she's so human. I've seen her breakdown in front of me on the 30th anniversary of her own mother's death, I've heard her rush out the back of the house to let her cheerful demeanour slip so she could have a private cry when my sister got sick, I've seen her having a bad day and lashing out at us, only to apologise profusely thirty seconds later and I've watched the pride on her face at my and my sister's personal achievements. I've never been in any doubt about her strength and although she's one of the strongest women in my life, she taught me that it's ok to be vulnerable, it's OK to be honest about your feelings and it's always right to apologise if you're in the wrong.

Ah I love my mammy!

LegacyUser

I grew up with an alcoholic mother with a host of other mental issues. Like the above poster I was treated to extensive emotional abuse from a young age. When my father passed away my tiny shield from her and her toxic behaviour and the only normal parental unit I had was taken from me. From that point on I bore the full brunt of her warped sense of logic and reasoning and also her physical abuse as she lashed out violently when drunk which was of course a regular occurence.

I moved out as soon as was financially and feasibly possible. However for months, years even I still carried around the damage and it definitely showed in how I dealt with personal relationships. Eventually I got some counselling which helped but my main obstacle now is my extended family of enablers who just pander to her and then scold me for never visiting, never calling or basically having anything to do with her. I want them to stop guilt tripping me and just leave me in peace with my decisions.

They don't seem to understand that I am now a grown adult and wish to live my own life, far from her emotional abuse.

I wish I had a normal family, I have no idea what it's like to have a mother who supports you, who is proud of you and wants nothing but happiness for you.

CathyMoran

My late mother was physically and mentally violent against me. I miss the idea of her and the person that I wish that she had been. She is important to me as an anti-rollmodel. If I did everything that she wanted occasionally she would not hit me, that is not enough. She was disappointed with me because I was academic. I still can not understand why she was abusive - I have children and would never hit them.

I do have a good relationship with my daddy though.

CaliforniaDream

Just like to try and clarify my original post. (Although I still may not get the wording right for what I want to say!)

I'm trying to figure out the importance or influence your mother has/had on you. Not necessarily if she's important in your life. Does that make sense?

Obviously from reading here it's clear not everyone has a great relationship with their mother. But the relationship they did have has had an influence on their life. I've seen my own cousin go through hell with her mother and how it's affected her now. She's just had a baby so it will be interesting to see how different she is as a mother.

My own relationship with my mother wasn't perfect. But I doubt it was any different to others. My only issue was that the last few years she wasn't ill (and one or two where she was), I was a typical teenager. Rude, told lies, blamed her for stupid stuff etc. I never got the chance to grow up and tell her I was sorry for the way I acted. Never got the chance to 'make it right'.

I'm definitely grateful for having her for as long as I did and I was extremely lucky compared to some stories here.
But part of me always wonders what it would be like with her around. I'd love to tell her if I got engaged or have her help pick out a wedding dress. Or to tell her I'll miss her when I moved country. Or give out to her about my boyfriend. :rolleyes:

I wonder are the traits I have as an adult because of her or not. Was I similar to her as a young adult? It's one of those questions that can never be answered but getting others peoples opinions and hearing their stories gives me some insight.

Ickle Magoo

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

Would I be any different as an adult or was I 'defined' already?

How do you think your mother has had an affect on your adult life?

Well, I think the answer to the above in inextricably linked to the kind of relationship women have had with their mothers, hence why one has kind of meandered into the other on the thread...outside of the obvious maternal influence in the formative years and the nature/nurture debate, any influence a mother would hold in terms of their adult children is dictated by the esteem their children hold them in.

So, if you were very close to your mother and took her views and opinions on board then you may have allowed her to influence you, your life and your life path in your adult life - if you weren't, then you'd be more likely to form your own views and make your own decisions...but even then it's hard to get away from the familial influences that helped shape us and our default behaviours, so in a way our parents always affect our adult lives.

rainshowers82

I love my mam and she has been hugely influential in my life .... we have our ups and downs ... she isnt very touchy feely or is she one for showing her emotions but she has instilled values in me that i carry and will carry with me forever .... Im getting married in two years time and she has been great at helping me and giving advice .... Her own mother has Cancer at the moment and i can really see her as a daughter now .

daenerysstormborn3

I don't have a real relationship with my mum or my dad or my brother or sister for that matter. My family are cracked. It's just easier this way.

When I was younger I used to think we would be so close forever but as soon as I started making decisions for myself she just gradually pushed me away and made it so difficult for me to be around her, it was like she thought it was all or nothing, I could either spend my whole life 100% dedicated to her or not have her at all if I wanted a life of my own.

Pretty much the same story goes for my dad and my siblings.

Boxtyeater

What a wonderful thread and so encompassing of what mothers are..
Granted, there are a few sad stories but the overall appreciation of mothers as seen here is a sight for sore eyes.....

My late father will be 7 years dead in about 4 hours, now there was a man, loved by wife, daughter-in-law and grandchildren..

But he couldn't cook like Granny (my mother)...

Well done to all for their expressions ..

LegacyUser

I had an abusive mother too but it's comforting to know there are others here who know what that's like. I responded on a similar topic not too long ago and I've been angry about it since. I hadn't felt so angry in such a long time it started to grind me down. I realise it affects almost every aspect of my adult life and I'm not even sure how to go about doing something about it.
Like previous posters, I'm not very trusting of people and tended to develop unhealthy relationship dynamics, I genuinely didn't believe I could even be permitted to be loved by another human being for a long time, low self esteem and years of depression were the norm. My mother also conveniently can selectively forget the bad times and even though I would have protected her "honour" with my life for all those years it's only been in the last few that I have started to resent her for it. I was beaten regularly and told I was hated for most of my childhood but I spent years excusing it and justifying her actions because she was my mother and I loved her.
I have a child of my own and I'm completely unable to raise a hand to her or tell her that she is anything but appreciated.

fatmammycat

It has taken me years to outgrow the damage my mother caused me personally. How important is she to me now? Not very at all.

lil'bug

I have no relationship with my mother, I left home 9 years ago and have never returned. I was always a disappointment, not as smart as my sister because I had bad handwriting, sickly because I had asthma she said i had it any way I never saw a doctor, not to be trusted because I was silly.
She wanted me to fail my leaving cert so I couldn't leave school, always nitpicking and nagging and putting me down, there is only so much a person can take.
I decided I did not want to become a bitter old woman like her so I left and never looked back

Eviledna

My mam is one of the most important people in my life. I talk to her every day, she's the first person I turn to when I need advice, and I'm really lucky that my sister, my mam and me are all really close. We treat eachother well, we rarely if never fight and we tend to agree on most things.

My mam has had a huge influence on who I am. She has thought me to be proud to be a feminist, to go for as much as I can in life, to believe in hard work paying off. She has supported me at times that no one else did, and always has my best interests at heart. She has taught me to be kind and forgiving to others, and she's a great role model in that way.

I owe her so much. She lost her own Mam a few years ago who was just as important to her as she is to me. I don't know if I'd cope without her, and I really admire how strong the people above are that have lost their Mams so young.

musthavemusic

My Mum has totally shaped the type of person that I am - in a good way! she gave me all my values and morals, and was always happy to answer my wide variety of silly questions on any topic, from school issues to sex. She's my best friend, and that hasn't changed even though I'm an adult now!

Aidric

I'm a bloke and I can say without hesitation that my mother is the most important person in my life. She has shaped me in to the person I have become, well grounded, well mannered and appreciative of others. She also instilled a love of reading in me from an early age, something for which I am eternally grateful.

She is the first person I will go to when I need advice in my life and has pulled me out of many crappy situations. She was my shoulder to cry on when my relationships failed, the person who looked after me when I had any illness and the words of encouragement when they were needed. She did all this in the most selfless way possible. She even gave up a great career in banking to raise me, my brother and sister.

I remember when she was diagnosed with breast cancer at the start of this decade. I was in the hospital the morning she was having surgery to remove one of her breasts and as she was being wheeled away I broke down like never before because I was so scared. I was completely helpless to the person who had helped me all my life. Thankfully she is doing great now and for that I am thankful.

Since moving abroad last year we don't now speak every day but when I was in Ireland we spoke every day. The conversation was never forced or contrived, just like two friends yapping on. She is the greatest friend I'll ever have and I love her completely.

Eve_Dublin

My mother died when I was 10 (I'm now 31) so I suppose all I can really talk about with any kind of confidence is the effect a lack of mother had one me but that's not the topic of the thread.

From what I remember, my mother instilled manners in me and I was a very well behaved child and have constinued to be respectful and mannerly in my life. She never spoiled me, except for love. People say I was her favourite as I was the youngest and I suppose I always felt that. My home was mental growing up but she gave me a good base in spite of all this. I felt looked after and cared for always. She was worried sick about all of us and I saw her cry a few times over us. I suppose that's made me a worrier and has given me empathy. I remember trying to cheer my mam up one day when I found her crying at the kitchen table and I still always keep an eye out for someone who looks sad and try to do what I can. Even a stranger in public.

She was part of the Tidy Towns Committee in my town and had us all out picking up rubbish from a young age. I'm a little obsessive about rubbish disposal ever since.

But she worried about her weight and she was predisposed to worrying constantly about every little thing and that made me an anxioous child. I found it distressing to see my mam so worried so much and it's continued on into my adulthood. Were all worriers in my family.

Still, she did a great job raising 5 kids. We've all turned out grand in the end. I only wish she looked after herself a bit more instead of worrying about us constantly and she might have been around today. Her death had a bigger impact on my life than anything since and I feel it more now as a woman than ever before.

icescreamqueen

I only lost my Mum one month ago yesterday. I'm weeping every day about it. She was such a beautiful soul. I'd do anything to hear her soft voice, to touch her beautiful skin, to see her lovely smile, to feel her warm embrace, to eat her beautiful dinners, to share in her wit. I just want my Mum back in my life. Everyday I see mothers and their daughters doing those simple but special everyday things together. I'm just so jealous of them. I had that bond with my Mum. I'll appreciate it for the rest of my life. Please don't ever take your Mother (good or bad) for granted. You never know when they'll be gone.

IrishEyes19

My Mam is everything to me. In simple words, she knows when something is wrong, she doesnt get everything right, no one does, but she's never far off, she's made loads of sacrifices for me and my siblings. She's surprised me when I was too embarassed to talk about personal things, only to have the comforting words to make it seem better and experience to boot. She's fun and caring, and I feel 100 percent safe with her.

I'm not a little girl anymore, I'm a young woman in my twenties, but the relationship is only growing. Love her too bits. And feel blessed.

IrishEyes19

icescreamqueen wrote: »

I only lost my Mum one month ago yesterday. I'm weeping every day about it. She was such a beautiful soul. I'd do anything to hear her soft voice, to touch her beautiful skin, to see her lovely smile, to feel her warm embrace, to eat her beautiful dinners, to share in her wit. I just want my Mum back in my life. Everyday I see mothers and their daughters doing those simple but special everyday things together. I'm just so jealous of them. I had that bond with my Mum. I'll appreciate it for the rest of my life. Please don't ever take your Mother (good or bad) for granted. You never know when they'll be gone.[/QUOTE

Im sorry to hear that, it probably doesnt feel like it now, but the pain will subside gradually and you'll look back not without it entirely but smile at the memories you did have. your post most certainly is a beautiful reminder to everyone to appreciate what we often dont. Wishing you all the best!!!

Maple

My mother and I have always had a very tempestuous relationship, I didn't understand her methods of mothering, it was always martyred and selfish, she was short-tempered and we got into trouble for the least thing. Life was always very fraught and a lot of time was spent trying not to upset her and walking on eggshells. Our relationship disintegrated when my parents split up. I couldn't reconcile her behaviour and I never will.

Now that I am older and no longer under her roof and trying to cope with her on a daily basis, I've mellowed a lot and have accepted the past for what it is, instead of letting it screw me up inside. I've let go of my expectations of her because they were damaging me and now we can rub along pretty easily. In fact I've spoken to her every day the past week which for the two of us is unheard of. She still drives me mad, she still makes me want to kill her and she still acts the martyr which drives me batty, but she's a good woman at heart and she loves all her children and is very proud of us all, even though her behaviour would make you wonder half the time.

In terms of our relationship shaping me, yes my relationship with my mother, or lack thereof has helped make me the woman I am today. I am the most motherly non-mother, it's like I took every motherly characteristic that I felt she was lacking/missing and developed into that person. Sure a lot of it is to do with the fact that when my folks split up, it was a role foisted upon me and a role that I resented for a very long time but I love to take care of the people in my life, I love to love them, listen to them, support and encourage them, help them sort out their problems. I stand up for the people in my life, I hate bullying and am well able to speak for myself in all aspects of my life. I hate confrontation but I can handle it, and I'm also very diplomatic when necessary.

I'm also very upfront with my emotions, if I'm happy I say so, if I'm cross I say why, I cannot abide cold wars, I would much rather resolve the issue as immediately as possible and move on. I'm very direct and to the point, I find it so beyond frustrating when people are not the same and hedge around issues or leave me to join the dots of a situation rather than just coming straight out and saying what's on their mind. Emotional uncertainty is a bug bear of mine, I bear too many scars from it from my youth so rightly or wrongly, what you see with me is what you get.

I am a constant, I don't know if that makes sense because it's not a specific constant X characteristic, but because of the uncertainty of my youth and feeling that I couldn't rely on my mother for support, I am now a constant everything for the people I love in my life, I am just constant.

UpCork

What a great thread. My Mother is everything to me and reading this thread has brought tears to my eyes.

My Mam is my best friend. A lady at work once said she thought it was silly that your Mam could be your best friend. I disagree. She was and always still be Mam which means I respect her as my Mother and we will always have a Mother daughter relationship, but I am lucky enough that I can chat to her like I would chat to one of my friends. I don't tell her every single iota that happens, but I tell her practically everything.

We sometimes go on holidays together and we enjoy each other's company. We are very similar. I know her better than she knows herself, but by the same token, she knows me better than I know myself. We are both as stubborn as each other and, if we think we are right about something, we are not for turning. We also, at times, irritate each other due to how similar we are,but it is only ever short lived.

Mam was a working Mother (she still is) and she always felt bad about that, but it was a necessity for her. I never felt though, that I was lacking anything because she was as working Mother. She showed me how things don't come easy you need to work for them. I never realised it when I was a child, but Mam gave up so much, so that I could have everything I needed. She always taught me the value of money, hardwork and dedication.

She was so dedicated to her own Mother and I saw the heartbreak she endured when Granny passed away. Apart from Granny's death affecting me in the normal way, it also had a huge impact on me in relation to how I saw my Mam. I had never before really thought of her as mortal until Granny died ( was almost 20 at the time) and suddenly I realised that I, too would one day endure what Mam had to endure and that really affected me.

I have to say I wake up every day and thank God for the Mother he gave me. I am so lucky and blessed to have her.

I am not an overly emotional person, but even the mere thought of ever loosing her makes me an emotional wreck.

Pythia

I haven't talked to my mother in almost 2 years and it's been 2.5 since I've seen her. It's difficult to explain but it's to do with her having a long running affair and her behaviour to me throughout that and my parents' subsequent separation. If I explain it quickly I make myself look like the crazy or horrible one so I won't bother. It's a pity because we used to be so close. She's dead to me now though, in that I never really remember she even exists. I don't think about her unless prompted and have grown used to not having her around.

I do feel however that when we were close before, she was jealous of me for being able to do things she never did or could do. For being thinner than her, doing better in school, going to college, having a fulfilling job, being happy in a relationship. I don't think she enjoyed being a mother a lot of the time, she blames it somewhat for not achieving much in life.

I am very close to my dad however. We are very similar and what happened with my mother brought us closer together.

My grandmother is particularly horrible and likes to spend her time talking to me putting me down when it's absolutely not warranted.

hollypink

I have what I consider a good relationship with my mother but I speak to her maybe once every week or couple of weeks and some might consider that a bit distant. I come from a large family and some of my siblings contact her if there is the smallest upset in their lives, but I prefer a little bit of distance.

She had a short temper when I was growing up and I've realised that some of my own issues stem from the fear of her temper. But I read somewhere that 'with understanding comes forgiveness' and I do understand that life was very difficult for her having a large family in the 80s when there was no money. I know her to be a good and loving person and my siblings and I try to treat her (and my dad) whenever we can.

Among the things I love about her is that she isn't nosy and doesn't pry into my life but takes me as I come, and she is good craic and generous. I'm lucky to have her in my life

ironwalk

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. Basically from the outside we all play happy families but she has never been 'the wind beneath my wings' that I hear other people talk about. When I was younger I was given to believe that it was my fault- I was/am 'difficult' 'too sensitive' 'why cant you be nice?'. But I have come to realise that she can only smother me with over-attention or be autocratic. Its sad. The only way that I can spend any time with her is to hold her at arms length so that I have room to breathe and stand up for myself. I envy you if you can discuss your day-to-day life with your mother.

CaliforniaDream

To the people who don't have a good relationship with their mother, do you find it's something you miss? Or do you get what you need from other relationships? I feel awful for thinking fondly of my mother when I know there are people out there who just do not get along with theirs.
I hope it's a case of you being able to look at other areas and realising that maybe you do have enough.

daenerysstormborn3

You can't miss something you've never had. I don't feel like i'm missing out on anything though

ironwalk

'I feel awful for thinking fondly of my mother when I know there are people out there who just do not get along with theirs.'
That is absolutely not my intention- I dont get along with mine; I envy people who do; but I choose to get on with it and hope to have a better relationship with my own daughter.
Just like I envy someone wo is 5'10'' and has a size 10 figure. I dont have that but I am happy with my lot. Hope thats clear- wasn't trying to rain on your parade.

Malari

I get on great with my mom, but I don't think it's a typical Irish mother and daughter relationship. I don't call her every day and I wouldn't describe her as my best friend, but I love and respect her and I think she is one of the most kind-hearted, dignified women I know. In some ways I'm like her in that I'm patient with people I love and listen more than talk.

As a teenager, looking back, she wasn't the best in dealing with her eldest teenage daughter! I mean, I depended on my friends for beauty tips and information on periods, etc!

But along with my dad, she gave up a lot for her children. Now that I'm in a position to do things for her, I love taking her for nice lunches, and treating her. She deserves all I can give her.

slippersRheels

Mothers have a profound influence on a child's life. Its sad that you cannot have a relationship with your mom at this stage in your life but remember that when you were a small child she was there for you through all the colds, sore knees and tears as well as encouraging, supporting and loving you through school, sports or friendships.

You may not think it now but your mom has had a huge influence and role in your life to date. Shaping and moulding you to the person you are today and this will continue to in the future no matter what that holds. You may find like me, after years of searching for the right answer to this question, that it just jumps up out of the blue and you realize that you have your moms hands or you look back at photographs of yourself and see your mom smiling.

I dont think the end result would be any different if you could pick up the phone, go for a coffee etc with your mom. The end result would still be the same you are who you are because of you mom.

I hope you can find peace with your inner search. It may take a while but you will find the answers your looking for.

fatmammycat

slippersRheels wrote: »

Mothers have a profound influence on a child's life. Its sad that you cannot have a relationship with your mom at this stage in your life but remember that when you were a small child she was there for you through all the colds, sore knees and tears as well as encouraging, supporting and loving you through school, sports or friendships.

You may not think it now but your mom has had a huge influence and role in your life to date. Shaping and moulding you to the person you are today and this will continue to in the future no matter what that holds. You may find like me, after years of searching for the right answer to this question, that it just jumps up out of the blue and you realize that you have your moms hands or you look back at photographs of yourself and see your mom smiling.

I dont think the end result would be any different if you could pick up the phone, go for a coffee etc with your mom. The end result would still be the same you are who you are because of you mom.

I hope you can find peace with your inner search. It may take a while but you will find the answers your looking for.

This is irritating and simplistic. I am who I am DESPITE my mother, not because of her. Biology aside, if we were not related I would not even like her as a person. I think it's terrific that so many people here have good relationships with their mothers and long may they continue with them, but many of us don't and are not searching for any kind of 'inner peace' either.

daenerysstormborn3

I don't get on with my mum. I think it's great that so many posters have great relationships with their mum but that's not something i'll ever have.

Nobody here was posting looking for a deeper meaning, sometimes things just work out like this.

It irritates me when people say you only have one mother, one sister, one whatever, there is only one of each person in the world, that's humanity for you. Regardless it's not a collect one of each scenario. If something doesn't fit and it doesn't enrich your life then why force it just to please others.

Lia_lia

I have a great relationship with my Mother. As lame as it sounds, we are like sisters really. We share clothes, go out together, even go to music festivals together! She is not like a typical Mom at all. It's just Mom, my brother and I at home since we moved to Ireland after my Dad left her for someone else (:rolleyes:). She went through hell with my Dad. They don't really talk anymore. I get on great (for the most part) with my Dad. Only see him once a year though

Anyway, I really appreciate all she has done for us. When we moved here she had very little money and worked 3 jobs to bring up my brother and I. I don't tell her everything though. Although she knows pretty much everything about me there are some parts of my life that I like to keep to myself The only fights we really have are about how she lets my younger brother get away with everything and won't make him cop on and grow up a bit. But I guess the youngest always gets treated like that...eep.

Wantobe

My mother died almost 10 years ago and I still miss her. We were very close. She was pretty special, patient, sweet, kind and very loving. She lived for her family and always put us first. She died before I had my children but I still think about how she was with us as guidance for how to be with my children. I genuinely don't ever remember her having a cross word for us and god knows we were not the quietest bunch- six kids in the family! She was an amazing woman.

icescreamqueen

Wantobe wrote: »

My mother died almost 10 years ago and I still miss her. We were very close. She was pretty special, patient, sweet, kind and very loving. She lived for her family and always put us first. She died before I had my children but I still think about how she was with us as guidance for how to be with my children. I genuinely don't ever remember her having a cross word for us and god knows we were not the quietest bunch- six kids in the family! She was an amazing woman.

This pretty much sums up the sentiments I have for my own mother. She left a fantastic legacy and I hope I can live my life by it. She was first and foremost a mother. She was so kind and selfless, so aware of others and their feelings. Mum had such a cool temperment and never raised her voice to us. Like yourself I don't have any children yet so she never got to meet any of her grandchildren and this is what really upsets me. Her passing has just left a great hole in my heart that never be filled by anyone else.

jos28

I was a thundering wagon towards my Mother when I was a teenager. We did not get on at all. I hated when anyone told me I was like my Mother. I had a fantastic relationship with my Dad. When I got older a and wiser I truly appreciated my Mam and realised what an amazing woman she was. She was a huge support when I had my own children and I really valued her advice. She was diagnosed with Parkinsons when she was 67 and during her illness I was so lucky to be given the chance to care for her and make up for all the sh1t I gave her. We became extremely close during this period. She was a remarkable woman with endless energy. She achieved so much in her life and always put us first. She left school after primary and yet went on to start a successful business in her fifties. She died last year and I miss her so much. So many things have happened in the past year that I really needed her advice about and she was not there. Now when people say I am like my Mam, I am delighted and feel proud to be hers. If I was half the woman she was I'd be happy. Miss you Mam xxx

itac

I'm lucky in that I still have my Mum, and I've always felt loved and encouraged by her in my life.

We've never had that "call/text/go out together/BFF" type relationship, but she's someone who I know I can always count on if I'm upset, or in trouble, she'll always do the best she can to help. She's taught me love and compassion, and to always try to help and look out for others. That no matter how small the deed, be it even just a smile, it can help someone. I don't think I'd do the things I do for people; friends/family/randomers, were it not for her.

So in that respect, I would say she's had a huge influence on me. But OP, the one thing I'd say is that relationships change so much from that age-when I was 17, I hated my Dad-he's 44yrs older than me, and there was such a generation gap between us. Fast forward a decade and a bit, and we get on great-we text now and again, have a cuppa together when I'm home, and I really appreciate him now.

I have to mention my much-missed Gran though, because she's been just as a big an influence as my Mum. She used to write a lot, and I've read so much of her reflections on life, and have adapted them to my own life. So, certainly in my case , the influence of my Mum in my life, and her Mum in her life, it's been all about love, compassion, and encouragement over the years. The older I get & the more life throws crap at me, the luckier I feel to have had my Gran & to still have my Mum in my life. I also appreciate that not everyone has that relationship-some have closer relationships, some have distant relationships, and some have nothing at all.

I think people will always influence your life if you let them though, whether it's someone related to you, or whether it's someone you only spend half an hour of your life with...

Contessa Raven

I barely have a relationship with my mother. She wasn't there for me when I was a child. I was pawned off on my granny and my dad so she could go out drinking. She isn't there for me now. When I studied abroad, she didn't visit me. She barely even called me.
These days, I probably talk to her once or twice a week on the phone and I see her once every two weeks (even though we live very close to each other).

It really angered me when I was a teenager and my aunts and uncles would say "Ahhh... Be nice to your mammy! You only have one!" I always said back to them "She only has one child. Me. When she's nice to me, I'll be nice to her." Usually shut them up.

I can't even really put down in words how she has affected me in my life but it's definitely in a negative way. If she wasn't related to me, I'd hate her. As it stands, I don't like her and I don't go out of my way to spend time with her.

My dad is the best person in the world. He was always there for me when I was a child and he's still here for me now. He's my best friend and he's always done everything in his power to support me. I'll never be able to thank him for everything he's done for me. His mum, my granny, took care of me when my parents were working and I did all my mammy-daughter bonding things with her. I always think of her as my mother. She was amazing to me.

I do envy people who have great relationships with their mum's. It's something I grew up craving. Hoping one day it would change. The one good thing that has come out of the bad relationship with my mum is that I know that when I have my own children, I will do EVERYTHING I can to treat them with the love and attention they deserve.

vicecreamsundae

I have a good relationship with my mom, but certainly wouldn't call her 'like a best friend' or 'the biggest influence on my life' or anything.

When I was young I adooored my mom. I loved dolls, and she had loved dolls as a girl too, and was great for telling made up stories about how they come alive and all this kind of thing. And I was the youngest, so I guess I was kind of her pet. Would only drink water if mom, not dad, gave it to me etc (a brat, i know).
Then I hit my teens and even though I was a good teen (no drinking, no sneaking out etc) we had such a rough time. So many arguments, a couple of them so horrible that they really changed things. I think it made me lose trust in her or something, like to know she could turn and be so nasty to me for no reason.

And it sucks, because now, even though I'm in my twenties (and living at home for a brief stint) and I get on well with her and only very rarely have arguments now, i still feel this gap between us. It actually makes me feel really guilty, because I know one day she'll be gone and i'm going to be so angry at myself for feeling this way but I can't help it.

But we do get along well. When I don't live at home, we speak once or twice a week. How much personal stuff I tell her depends on my mood.. I might talk about my friends but I don't mention my lovelife unless it's serious.
Sometimes I also feel bad because my older sister and her are SO close. my sister calls her almost every day and they can talk for hours about things, but when I talk to her about anything serious for more than ten minutes, she annoys me. So I generally don't.

It's weird. My parents are great really, and I know they really care, but yeah there's just this weird gap I feel, that my sister doesn't seem to.
(this thread's got me a bit upset actually!)

G86

I don't have a 'mother'. Sure, maybe biologically I do, but that's all she'll ever amount to in my book - a fact I wish was fiction. If I said I hated her, that would mean I care; and I'm afraid I no longer do.

It's affected me more than I care to admit, but I've slowly mended the holes she left in my heart, and filled them with the love of my amazing friends and the rest of my family.

So no, I don't have a 'mother', but I do however have an Aunty who I love with all my heart, and I count myself lucky to have her. She raised me, she helped me to become the person I am, and given the choice I'd call her my mother anyday.

LegacyUser

My mother would have been of great importance when I was younger and influenced me in a great deal that has shaped me in some way of what I am and what I have become and how I am as an adult. I love her but I have found it harder to love her in the past few years as i’ve got older. There was a time she was my best friend but now I am not so sure. We wouldn’t be best friends in anyway. We tell each other things but we don’t tell each other everything, there are things I don’t know about her and there are things she don’t know about me but we know most things about each other. She knows me but often think she doesn’t know the real me and I have closer friends than her that I would call the nearest to best friends.

She took great pride in educating me and getting me educated, looking after me and my health. I do thank her how well I have turned out in some aspects of myself and my life.
The only thing I feel is this that she may have emotionally controlled and influenced me in a bad way from that point of view but not necessarily harshly in a teasing way but said things by blinding me from the truth. Mollycoddling, being overbearing, interfering, over protective, negative and just not saying things and asking things as what she should. I ask her something but she only half tell me the truth or not at all makes up a story or lies. She say something and be all nice but talk about me behind my back and complain about me. Manipulated me in following her way of thinking. Was like in a bubble really and had narrow view of life until I left home a few years back to study and work for a few years. I feel my self esteem, social skills and confidence has a lot to answer for and blame my mam for that. She would be a quiet, reserved, lacks confidence, be negative and find she puts all that on me sometimes and just find if I am happy she don’t like it and vice versa.

Since being back at home I have looked back over my childhood and realised my mother stopped me from doing things like growing up and so on and holding me back, contradicted and criticised things and not take consideration of what I wanted to do with my life it had to be her way or the highway. She was a bit smothering really nit picks on things. Since I have started to make own mind and make decisions and grown up a bit she tries to step in but its hard to get her to back off and stop interfering but then she start acting as if she doesn’t care its gets weird. She might have done a lot and scarified a lot for me but still don’t know if I love as much as I used to, we used to be very close but not as much now.

I tell her most things but she has got into a very bad habit of not telling me much unless it happen to crop up in conversation. If I go somewhere she may or may not say have a nice day enjoy it or good luck or what ever. She would normally praise and encourage me but find she just nags or acts like a selfish person doesn‘t care about anyone but herself. Maybe its her age, since she is aging. I get sensitive easily but she could d say or do something or how she says something could upset me.

We get on for the most part but we don’t always see eye to eye we have differences of opinion we don’t agree on everything. Its been tough moving back in with her I find it easier to get on with her when I don’t live with her. I get annoyed going by her terms when it comes to some things that if I plan things I have to work it around her schedule, if the shoe was on the other foot she give me a hard time. Sharing a place together and living in each others pockets isn’t great when its nearly day in day out. l thank God for college and work otherwise I couldn’t stick it. I be lost without her but there are time she wrecks and does my head in. She probably is annoyed with me a lot of the time. We use to talk about most things but now not much as there isn’t much to talk about she gets ratty over the smallest things and nags but I try not too unless she offends and upsets me someway.

I often wonder do we understand each other at all but I could still read her like a book sometimes but she seems to think the same but she doesn’t she doesn’t understand me a lot of the time which bugs me. I feel we at two different opposing ends of the spectrum.
She established good values in me but think it was too the extreme, meant that I didn’t make some decisions for myself and she ended up doing that for me or speak for me which is just mad.

I am a grown woman in my 20’s I have a life of my own, I like my own space independence and like my own company but she gets annoyed if I don’t talk much to her, how can I if I haven’t much to say. I am at home with her most days unless I’ve gone out of the house I have no routine I cannot help if I am unemployed which makes it ten times harder when i’m neither studying or working. She taught me the value of money and most of the time have had my own money to pay for most things now since I was working a few years back. I suppose you can’t live with them can’t live without them!

A great quote I have heard of recently:
“Cherish Your Child As and Who They Are Not Who You Want Them To Be”

Tayla

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

To the people who don't have a good relationship with their mother, do you find it's something you miss? Or do you get what you need from other relationships? I feel awful for thinking fondly of my mother when I know there are people out there who just do not get along with theirs.
I hope it's a case of you being able to look at other areas and realising that maybe you do have enough.

I don't have a great relationship with my mother, we can get on but we don't really have conversations and there is no love or affection.

It did affect me to an extent but I feel like i'm pretty much over it now, I have my own kids now and that's my family, I do however think that if I were single and childless now that I probably would struggle with the lack of a 'real family'.

Azureus

I love my mother, and Id see us a close enough, even if we dont speak/see eachother all the time.
I was always closer to my father wen I was growing up but he died when I was a young teenager, and for a few years my mam and I just floated along and did our own thing-rarely communicating and when we did itd be screaming matches. After a few years, the grief and tension passed and I respect how much she did for me during those years even though she was going through so much-even though at the time I resented her detachement, as an adult I fully understand how much she tried.

Now I speak to her anything frmo 1-3 times a week, and see her probably once a month, maybe once every 2 months if Im really bust at work (quite awkward to get to hers from mine when you dont drive). We are very open with eachother and I will always value the realationship that we have because my mother and her own mother dont give eachother the time of day-I never want that to happen to us. We might not have the conventional family set-up but we are still family and I wouldnt be where I am today if it wasnt for her.